yeh, but how i am supposed to know??

Hey guys

Firstly massive thanks for joining my facebook group, and for all the lovely comments on my last few posts. I'm not about on the internet much at the mo-such an inconvienince when all the wirless networks arround you are secured against pikey theft haha, but should have my own working again by the weekend.

Yesterday was an amazingly crappy day. I havnt slept properly for a few days now, so thats making me feel super stressed anyway, and im having a real hard time with food right now. So, over the weekend, i had a really good talk with someone from the home treatment team i see a lot, and he really helped me figure a few things out. The thing is, people were supposed to follow it up while he was off work for a few days, and obviously, this didnt happen. See, i feel like i figure out things that will help me with a few members of the team, but when i see someone different, it gets a ll screwed up again, and they keep trying to take me out to eat cake for fuck sake. I worked out at the weekend that i would let them help me call the police liason officer to agree to give evidence at the trial. and they were going to be there after when i enevitably lost the plot a little. so i had it all worked out that i would do this yesterday. which would have been fine if Home treatment had actually bothered to get in touch with me! So i called th police liason as soon as they started work in the morn, to get it other and done with. And it was quite possibly one of the most horrible things i have ever had to do.yknow, it takes the piss really, that i tried to talk about it years ago when noone gave a shit, but now, when im trying to get over it, they all want me to talk now.grrrr.

so, i was sitting there freaking out, and when htt hadnt called by lunchtime, i tried to phone them, but didnt get through, and then i got into a bit of a mess with si-i know, i know, so had to go to the docs to get that fixed, and still htt didnt call, i spent hours trying to get hold of them

then they finally called at 7pm, after my friend had called them and read them the riot act for leaving me up shit creek on the day i really needed them, and they called me. And their excuse-they lost my phone number....errr, would that be the one ur phoning me on now???they were super rude to my friend, and didnt even give her a chance to give them my number, so i know they didnt get it from her...how did they lose it, when they all have it and its written on my file, and on the comp, and they CALLED ME ON IT IN THE EVE!!!!

by which time id fallen to pieces, was in the horrible hiccupy sobbing stage of crying and they told me to calm down and have a cup of tea and stopthinking about it.oh FUCK OFF!!!

so, how do you know when you've actually got to the end of your (very frayed) tether...cos she kept going on and on about 'if ic ould cope'-er no, im not really sure anymore, and now my heads spinning, im crying again in the flipping library and i just want something, someone , anything to make this feel a little bit better, cos im so sick of being stuk in thison my own.And now i cant even trust them to help me, so i really cant talk to them now-whats the point??? Im so sick of being let down by mental health services, it isnt fair, i just want some help to deal with the way i feel, and its just like they are taking the royal piss out of me.

i dont feel like i can cope anymore.but recognising that i could do with some help, menas that i CAN, apparantly.cutting gets me nowhere new.but it helps, even for a moment, and nothing else is.so i explain that, and they dont get it, and tell me to call them when im struggling-what like i did yesterday, and the day and night before when noone got back to me at all?!

yeh ok then.

fuck this.

xxxxx