Then and Now

'let me be weightless and airy and light, and maybe i'll find peace tonight'

 well, i might have lost weight, but i sure havnt found peace. I'm not happy with the way i look-and thats no big secret really. But I've been thinking a lot about mum, and her anorexia, and how everything-literally everything-was linked to what she weighed-what she did, how she felt, how she treated us. And early on in my life i always had the idea that being thin equated to happiness. Well in anycase, it made mum happy, and that was pretty hard to do.

I think a lot of the reason that i mainly have problems with bingeing/purging, rather than restrictive behaviours, is that is that, basically-i spent a lot of my childhood being unbearably hungry. So id binge away from the house, then feel disgusting and terrified of the consequences of any weight gain that id purge, and that was like this big realease of pressure-literally and mentally, and yknow, maybe why its so damn hard to stop now.Its like taking the lid off a pressure cooker. Because now its so much more about the purging than the bingeing, if that makes sense. I throw up pretty much everything i eat-and this has got a lot worse over the last couple of days. what seems really messed up to think about now is this-when your a kid-your growing-your supposed to gain weight. Mum used to check our weight a lot as kids, i remember having this grwoth spurt when i was about 10 or so, and it really pissed her off. I'd grown a couple of inches, and unsurprisingly, gained a few kgs too. Anyways, i got home from school a couple of days later, and mum had thrown all my clothes away-like i mean everything.she rekoned i should be wearing a smaller size, and that i should be ashamed of how big my clothes were. It was february, freezing cold, and all i had left to wear was a pair of shorts and a tshirt from when i was about 8. so that was fun. When 'dad' got back from sea (in the navy) he went mental about it, but then he went off at me too-told me to stop winding mum up and he hit the shit out of me. so then i was walking around in fucking shorts and tshirt covered in bruises.cos that doesnt look dodgy! maybe thats why im such a clothes junkie now, and so into fashion, and pretty dresses and stuff. Cos these 'clearouts' happened fairly frequently, if mum was in a bad mood or something-shed just throw everything away. She threw away my favourite doll, id had forever in a fit of temper once and i was proper heartbroken about it. So i wasnt that bothered about posessions when i was younger, which might also explain why im such a horder now.

the thing is-well, from the outside i literally had the 'perfect childhood'. when i was 11 a gorl at school said i was the lckiest person in the world, because i had my own ponies. that really struck me-and after that-well who the heck was i to be upset if i didnt get fed, or if mum was throwing a hissy, or screaming at dad, or in hospital.I had all the trappings, yknow, and maybe thats all you see at that age. I went to 'good' schools, then boarding school (until i got kicked out for being 'the bulimic girl'), had horses, competed lots, had a coach, we had money...but all of that stuff...well its pretty pointless yknow.And this is what makesme feel bad now-plenty of people had it soo much worse than me, who the fuck am i to be all self righteous now? why am i sitting here writing this when my mum is dying, and why am i so angry with her i cant see past it.its fucked up.

i know what ist like to have an Ed.so why cant i see that in mum-just see that she is ill. but i get caught up in the things from my last post and it makes me confused.it is about choice, it is about knowing what you can fix, and what you cant. she's ill becasue her mum was ill.she was bought up with it, same as i was.i think maybe im pissed that she didnt see it like me-'well fuck, living like this is shit, i want to get better, i want this to change cos i dont want MY kids to grow up like this'

why cant mum see that?ok, im not blaming my mum for all my probs here.yeh i was bought up pretty much by ed, as it were, but im theone who's 25 and still has the same problems.

i think im going around in circles here. see i love my mum, and i understand what happened.I cant nderstand how she didnt want to accept help-but i do see how massive a part of her whole life her ED was.it held her up, and gave her reasons-wrong or not.

i just dont think i like her very much.

i dont think i like me very much either

xxx