ever been impatient?need advice on what i can/cant take in...please help!

So, im going on to the ED ward on monday, and im trying to pack some stuff up. I need to pack everything i need for the whole time in there-5-6 weeks, because there isnt anyone else who would be able to get into my room at halls to get anything i might need. And inbetween all this, i have to sort out getting my stuff magically moved to my new flat.

So clothes and so forth. well i was thinking this was an excellent opportunity to spend a lot of time wearing pj type things, just nice comfy stuff. BUT from the time when i was stuck on that ward for hours, sitting in the medical room waiting for the assessment that ended in a setion (yeh, that night!) i gathered a couple of things. these girls dress to impress. no, really. but, like who? i mean, i understand not walking around looking like shit so you feel even more crap, but these are chicks with standards. I dont think a hello moomin tshirt and cutoffs is gonna cut it. The other thing is, like the elephant in the room.hahahaha. good joke. cos im obviously going to be the heavist there-i am-and i know thats cos my ed isnt based around restriction in the same way as anorexia. but its gonna hurt. Even when i was just waiting there, loads of people were looking at me like i was a total freakshow.

anyway my point is-what do i take in?
any 'no-go' type stuff thats gonna be taken off me, apart from the obvious like razor to shave etc. do i have to be hairy for the next 6 weeks?

i was gonna take some books, magazines, schoolwork to do. and i want to take my knitting, and a current sewing project, cos good distraction stuff. but i have a feeling that they wont like that, cos of needles being sharp and all, and sewing scissors etc...?

hair straighteners? any point trying to negotiate that one?like they just give them to me when i need them?

radio?(i get my own room)

i want to take some photos woth me, but take them out of the frame(cos of the glass?)

gaaaaaaaaah

its hard!

am i even gonna have any free time when im not eating/waiting after ive eaten etc etc?

turns out all i needed to do was ask (again)

On monday im going into an inpatient ED unit for the 6 weeks between now and starting at the day unit mid september.

According to NHS and NICE guidlines, you have to really A)properly crazy, or B) totally suicidal for them to consider inpatient treatment for Bulimia, so i guess erm, thats me!

this is something i asked about months ago, but was told it wasnt suitable, as my depression was outweighing my ED. Which is crap anyway, cos the worse the ED gets, the more depressed you get. My care coordinator has been trying to convince me to stay on a general mental health ward for the last month or so, after that fun time i got sectioned and made to do so. I wouldnt agree, because having been inpatient in that setting before-it just makes things worse. Ad they dont have real knowledge or understanding of ED's, you get away with everything-which is exactly what i do, because ed behaviour is the only thing making a scary situation like that seem safe. And, like, i dont have psychosis, so why stick me on a ward with staff who have only been trained in psychotic disorders?makes no sense.

Anyhow, my care cordinator sat me down, and told me i had to start talking fast about what i thought might help me, cos they were seriously thinking about a mental health assessment-which was gonna end with a really long section-to make me stay in, cos they all thought i was planning to do myself in. So i got really brave, and told her the only thing i would agree to was something that would actually help me-rather than just make me feel worse afterward-and said if they wanted me inpatient-fine, but it would have to be on the ED ward. because if i could eat, i might start feeling a little more saner. Actually she agreed this didnt sound unreasonable, and said she would talk to the ed team, but that things prob wouldnt happen in a hurry.

so i nearly died of shock when my lovely psycotherapist called today to ask me to come in for my appointment half an hour earlier, so we could meet with the ward consultant. and only 2 days later!!!shockingly fast!they must be worried lol.i think my care coordinator just wants me in somewhere, so i guess they thought it for the best or something. They said they had talked with the ward, and i could go in, could have gone tomorow, but we decided it would be better to wait til mon-less rushed, and more time to sort things out. so we had a bit of a chat about how all the other patients are recovering from anorexia, and would that make me feel weird, and a bit about how i would totally hate it (no kidding) but i would have to try and stick it out. im going in voluntarily, but they said if i tried to leave, and they doubted i could keep myself safe, they would consider making me stay. funtimes lol. so in essence, there goes my summer!

but at least someone finally got a clue and did something helpful!

sleepy days=brain shutdown

I think my head has finally decided it has had enough, and has thus decided to shut itself off from life. This means i get to sleep, lots.and then some more.

I'm so exhausted, bone tired through and through. Thinking makes it worse, so i just end up asleep again.

maybe its a self preservation thing-i cant hurt myself anymore if im asleep, so maybe its me trying to save myself, some stupid instinct thing. If it is, its very annoying, and id like it to leave me alone, to finish what i started.

anyway, my head says its time to go back to sleep now.

more maths problems...

so, my doctor has finally been brilliant/stupid enough to give me some useful drugs. this makes me happy, as they were exactly what i needed. i feel so much better now knowing that i actually have the means to overdose properly.

i have just spent the evening calculating drug doses. who knew all the crap they teach you at school would actually be useful someday.

i think i get a little bit more fucked up everyday. does anyone else feel like that? its not that im intending to TAKE them...its just it makes me feel a calmer knowing i have them.

i cannot remember the last time i felt normal. this is BAD.

Eating disorder maths...

 ED + not eating=eventual death

ED+ Eating=mental death

solve that...

blog-ness

i think i might jump ship from this blog. i'm kind of ashamed to be associated with it-all the thoughts, things and feelings written down like that. says a lot about me-and none of it good.

its making me feel icky. what to do?

my advice...

get a guinea pig.

they are cute, 'talk' to you non stop in various squeeks, are something to hold when all you can think of is cutting, someone to tell whats wrong who doesnt care if you are mad, as long as you keep stroking them, a reason to get out of bed at least once a day to change bedding, feed and water, and makes me feel better when i realise i have, like no friends.

Love my little charlie. he is sitting next to my laptop on my desk, which is one of his favourite places. sometimes he tries to help me type, and anyone that reads my blog regularly knows that i can neither spell nor type, so this is no bad thing, him doing a better job than me!

reasons why crying and being a girl work....

hahahaha

seems i finally drove the council mad yesterday by being a constant fixture in the housing centre and crying LOTS-cos they offered me a flat this morning!!!

its in a bit of a scary area, but the nicer part of it, if that makes sense. its totally unfurnished-no cooker, fridge, furniture, nothing, which is now a huge problem, but at least it will be mine. and once in a council property, well, it means im in the system, can apply for transfers etc.

proper update later

reasons why cmht's are completely fucking useless

and no, im not apologising for swearing.

they knew in FEBRUARY that i needed help with housing. by the 1st JULY. its now the 13th JULY and they are still doing JACK SHIT to help me. And this is def their problem-since they recomended that i cannot continue with my degree course until i hve had ED treatment, they lost me my student accomodation. and accepted that it was then their problem and priority to house me. so why the fuck are they not doing anything about this! they even have access to housing, they just cnt seem to realise they just cant seem to realise that when you say 'i have to have left by the first', you actually mean the 1st and not when they get round to it in the next 10 years or so.

i really wish i had the balls to kill myself.

ooops

i think, on reflection, that i need to stop talking to H, my therapist, and everyone else. getting threatened with sections is getting a little tiresome.

shit day

so, turns out i cant even get a place in a fucking hostel. hello cardboard box.

i also think my stomach might be disintegrating, having spent most if the day curled up in pain, in between crying about how shit everything else is.

i just want a flat/bedsit/studio/anything. i want my own space, but im not fussy-i dont care if its manky, i just need somewhere i can make feel like my own safe space. i really dont see how thats to much to ask.

not well

i feel really ill right now. I guess its just a pile up of lovely ED side effects-but my throat is soo sore i could cry (scrap that, im crying anyway), i think ive got a new tear in my stomach lining (yum) cos its very sore and theres been quite a lot of blood when ive purged-i hate that word, but i cant think of an alternative that equally doesnt make me cringe. I'm really allergic to summer too-i get horrible hayfever, my eyes are a swollen mess from it, and add to the fact that ive been crying pretty much continuously for days doesnt help. my whole head feels blocked up with gunk (pleasant image, hey) and my ears hurt. i dont know why my ears had to start hurting on top of everything else, but great, thanks dumbass body for that. i think it might be cos my wisdom teeth are nearly through, maybe its a weird pressure type thing.but anyway, they really hurt, im so irritatable and fed up right now.

i swear i just feel so beyond pissed off with everything right now.i just fail to see why i keep pulling myself out of these funks when they just keep getting worse each time. ive had it. and im totally sick of people telling me that it will get better, and that theres nothing bad enough to warrant wanting to die. Cos you dont really KNOW. you cant judge how much stress another person can tolerate, and i think ive had over and above the share i think its reasonable to deal with. ad now it has got to the unbearable point, and i dont want to bear it any longer.

yes i do think not having someplace that i feel safe to live is enough to cause me to fall over the edge. its something i need, having lacked it for years and years, and i cant go through all that again. so it is reason enough to make me feel that way-i would rather be dead than homeless, or be in a skanky hostel full of smackheads. i fucking hate druggies. yeh, ok, il make exceptions for people that have had shitty times, but fuck all sympathy for people who have flashbacks as results of drug use-i deal with that daily, pretty much-or more acuratly, nightly. and its horrific-and why would you do that to yourself?! so judge me all you want on that, but thats how i feel.

hmn, well this is an interesting new habit!

mondays, are clearly the new funday.

once again found myself waiting about after my psychotherapy session to be assessed by a doc and a psyc. well this is a new nasty monday habit which must be nipped in the bud.

no mans land

im tired-actaully more like exhausted-in both kinds of ways, scared and feel really on my own. i dont know what to do, cos really, i dotn know how i want this to be any more. ive just had enough.