got me thinking

So, I've actually had this blog for about 4 years now, and in that time have been in a huge cycle of recovery - relapse - recovery and, that, in itself, is really bloody depressing.

The one thing I have managed to move on from - and am really pleased I have, is the cutting. Its been a really long time now - a year and a half, i think - and thats a long time for me. It makes me realise that i guess i've been hellish lucky as well, because i have had some really dicey moments with self harm, with one near fatal incident. Even when I am really struggling with the eating disorder and low mood, cutting feels very low on the 'options list' which is a huge change.

If i could just shift the heaviness of the depression, i think my eating disorder would give me a lot more space to breath. Lately ive been thinking, that maybe i am actually just majorly depressed by nature-and always will be, so should set myself some new happiness baselines. But i know there have been huge chunks of time when its not been like this. its really difficult. My main depressive symptoms are around extreme tiredness and fatigue -hypersomnia. which i have a hard time in ED terms with, because it just makes me feel really lazy. But sometimes i just end up in tears because i am soo tired.

The further I get in therapy, the more I realise I have to come, in terms of recovery from this. The one good thing now though, is that recovery feels harder to give up on.

putting it all back together

im thinking about applying to my PCT for funding for private inpatient treatment over the summer. my local service - which is a national centre also no longer treats those with bulimia as an inpatient. This makes me so ANGRY, because once again, anorexia takes priority over those with other ED's. other ED's which are just as dangerous, just as devastating and just as difficult to recover from.

Anyway.

Earlier in the year, around christmas time, I fractured my ribs. This has been really difficult to manage, because ive always been having a real struggle with vomiting again. and each time im sick, i yank them again, and they just wont heal properly. So i need some proper rest, but im really struggling with this. The trouble is, Uni helps me realise that there is a reason to recover, and its taken so long to get to a point where i have friends, and social stuff going on, and then theirs the horses...and if i stop and try to just inforce rest at home, everything else goes to pot.

Im a hell of a lot better than i was. but i hate the way that the vomiting had snuck up on me again. I guess i need to pull things back, but its so hard. It took so long to make friends at Uni and i dont want to have to explain why i need a break, or anything else. and the horses are a huge part of how i manage my depression. and i cant deal with losing that.

its so difficult.

i wish i could move on...

I look at other peoples blogs, and pictures i see on facebook, and hearing news of others.

it seems like everyone moved on a whole lot. Babies, new boyfriends, or married. Or graduated, or decent careers, and all that goes with it - houses, cars, holidays and stuff.

and im still HERE.

I want to be better - and im a lot better than i was. I just wish i could sort the rest of it out now. Im so fed up of being left behind.