Potential new therapy model

I really really love the sea. I love it in summer to play and splash about in. I love building sandcastles on the beach and eating squashed picnics with sandy sandwiches. I love the cool evening walks and watching the waves crash about in winter.

When I was little I used to wonder how all the people sat on benches just looking out to sea weren't bored. And now I understand, because I could watch it forever.

The NHS should really think about beach therapy.

Re-connecting

Means lots of things in lots of different and difficult ways.

Because you cant move forward without looking back at things, try as i might for all this time. Re -  connecting with the old is scary and new, when you starved, purged and cut away your memories of the past, of how things were.

But it also means thinking about how things could be, and taking the odd leap of faith that everything will turn out ok in the end...and even if its not what you planned for, its not the end of the world, you just need to take a deep breath and let things that will be BE.

Being ill for so long meant that i missed out on a lot of things, and its only through working to get better that i realise just how much i lost. Its not just that i missed birthdays, and nights out, and boyfriends and parties, uni and fun-i lost friends, family, ambition and interests. I lost my spark, my personality and all the things that could have made me who i could be. Being ill literally ransacked my life. I feel like im grieving for the friends that i made and lost, or didnt even get the chance to meet. I got so wrapped up in 'ill' that i couldnt see anything else, got needy, or couldnt keep up contact, or just got so self absorbed and inverted. It hurts now so bad, all the things ive lost, makes me ache and cry for it all.

Just so you know, if you ever happen to read this, or are someone i used to talk with a lot on here- I love you, and i do care. there are so many people that helped me feel connected when i needed it the most, in so many different ways. I just got shit at managing to do anything, or be there for anyone when it all really hit the fan here. but im sorry and i do care.

I want to re connect with things to put them right or lay them to rest. i guess the hardest thing is accepting that it isnt always possible.

A post for shizzle my nizzle

Shizza

I love you innit boi

you know who you are girl! xxxxxxx

Life lesson

Actually, sometimes life is just plain boring. The thing about recovery is that you tend to think it comes with all sorts of glittery excitement. Which is certainly true in a lot of respects- it defiantly offers opportunity. But one think I'm finding a hard lesson to learn is that actually, life IS just mundane and boring and same old sometimes. But that's ok. It doesn't mean I'M boring, or rubbish. Just that life just chugs along doing nothing in particular sometimes. I get so caught up in not feeling I'm interesting enough, or that I don't do all the things over people do with their weekends and spare time. I got so busy comparing myself to all this that I forgot that everyone has tones where really, nothing is going on at all. That other people get bored or fed up, and sit and watch telly in the eve without feeling ' boring'.

So this weekend I am going to do nothing. Like really nothing. I'm not feeling very well so I'm gonna to spend weekend on sofa with a hot water bottle, some DVDs and a book or 2. And I'm going to be ok with not having been anywhere or done anything noteworthy. Because trying to define myself by " doing interesting things " is not far off from trying to define myself by my weight. And h am defiantly more than that.