Life choices

now theres a conundrum id rather not solve

have a life, or not have a life. its that simple.but its not.

when it comes down to it-i just plain dont want be here anymore

the next assignment!

'Design a leaflet aimed at teenagers to illustrate a healthy, balanced diet'

Healthy balanced diet=nothing my brain thinks is ok for me to eat
unbalanced diet=nothing my brain thinks is ok to eat

therefore, by default,  a balanced diet must contain nothing, as it becomes unhealthy the minute you eat anything.

so, erm, do you think this covers it!btw, im totally going to hand in yesterdays effort! i had to write a reference list for it- so here it is
reference list-
'my so called life'

(disclaimer-im taking the micky out of myself here.clearly, if you stumble across this, you shouldnt believe everything you read!)

xxx

A Question

Does anyone else think this is a major piss take?

this is my current assignment-

'create a powerpoint presentation that explains the effects on the body of the following conditions-
1.Anorexia Nervosa
2.Obesity

The presentation Must focus on the physical implications of both conditions, and fully explain the effects of malnutrition'

heres what ive written so far-

Anorexia = A long drawn out death.
Obesity= not suffering from anorexia

im doing well, right?

FUCK THIS

so um yeh.i seem to be writing here again. i just got back from A and E, cos apparantly, i really like being held together by bits of blue string.And the wound from when i cut into my bowel has all flared up again, so now im swollen to fuck, just to make it a bit better. Heck, dont get me wrong.I know that this is my fault. I'm jst being all angry and bitter right now.sue me or something. Cos i just feel like-well everything is just really screwed up.and it always has been. and i miss my mum.but thats the thing that really gets me-i dont miss her, i miss the idea of having a mum, someone who is supposed to really care about you. I guess i just want someone to make this all feel better.I always had to look out for myself.I had to do pretty much everything, grow up overnight as a kid.I think i was 16 from the day i was born lol. But i just really want someone to hold me tight and tell me thats its going to be ok. or, failing that, id someone could hit me hard enought to cause a significant head injury, then i could just like, forget everything. Which would be peachy.

thanks for the kind comments on my last post
xxx

i really miss this blog.

i dont know how much longer i can deal with feeling like this.

i am not ok right now

so-this is where i leave my story (an anti fairytale)

so-it went a bit like that

and this is where im going to leave it. I thought a lot about whether to delete this blog in its entireity, but then thougth that woud be a bit like deleting my life. And then i thought id just make it a private journal-but-everyone has a story to tell. and i rekon there are a lot of people that dont know where to begin. So, im going to leave it here, and hope that anyone that stumbles across it realises that the hard bit is starting to talk. And that keeping everything inside only really hurts you more. So this blog is for anyone that has noone to listen-I thought i didnt either, but i found that if you can talk, then there is always someone, somewere that is willing to help.And if that seems to hard to believe-well just look at all the support i got here on my blog.

Ed will never be your friend, and self harm will get never get you anywhere new. something else i ultimately learnt-

when you have nothing left to lose, then surely all you can do is gain.

 If your wondering-this is what happened next-

the jobcentre still suck, and still havent grasped the fairly fundamental flaw in sending someone a letter to ask then to confirm their correct address. I saw my doctor and cpn yesterday, and have been refered to Home treatment team AGAIN. so no doubt i'm in for more playdough. The manager at the CMHT finally read my complaint letter-and ive been put on the waiting list for therapy with the ED service. I have absolute faith in the fact that my first appointment will coincide with me moving to London! Oh yeh, London. watch out cos im coming Baaaaaack!St Georges here i come!well, if i ever finish my coursework. I'm going for a scan later, to check that my bowel is healing up properly, and that the infection is getting better. im no longer held together by bits of blue string! and just in case your interested, im listening to the backstreet boys, whilst wearing a skirt that looks like it probably belonged to someones granny.and a bow.of course a bow. ooh, and i have a date with the lovely boy i mentioned before i lost the plot bigstyle lol. The courtcase is coming up really soon, and im pretty scared. But itl be ok-cos this time, being there, im the one in control. and he's the one that doesnt know whats coming. Oh, and my golfish keep getting it on. and that just about sums me up!

Read the blogs in my blogrole, cos these people rocked my life. Especially Loubie, jessie, katie, sarah, jennifer, ellie, sarah, nicole, elk and cass.

if you found this, and need someone to listen, my email is pinkpixie-dust@hotmail.co.uk

love vics xxx
ps-everyone needs a bow in their life.
pps-never mention the name of your college on your blog!

i dont know (last post continued)

ok, so i lasted a really long time without posting.

i kinda felt like i was cutting my arm off or something by not having my blog anymore. cos, really its the only support and outlet i have. But maybe i need to start being a little less dependent on it, if that makes sense.im not sure. Thing is, writing posts does let me think, and get it out, but the problem is, that i cant then get it out of my head,and its REALLY fuelling my SI cycle at the moment. And i cant read posts cos i feel sone shaky and anxious about everything, i dont actually know what might trigger me.which is stupid, but there you go. i just thought id try and explain my logic a little-for myself more than anything. its weird, cos im about to go to bed, and thats when i normally post, and i really felt weird for a minute.talk about blog dependency!

and i think writing about how crappy and mushy i feel might actually be making me dwell on it more.is that denial?

could well be. But i think i need to see for a while. im going to the docs tomorow, and im actually going to beg him to A) give me some decent painkillers, B) get me on a drip to get rid of this nasty infection before i like die or something (or shoot myself.cos itd be less painfull.excuse the very bad humour) and C)GET ME SOME HELP NOW. and im not budging until he does all three.

anyhow, please stay in touch my lovlies.email me anytime, and im always on facebook avoiding my coursework.cos i really think its YOU guys im missing here!and not my blog.dunno.

anyway, love you all, and i feel better now ive made this decision a little more rationally

so i might be around, or i might not be. I just dodnt want anyone to worry, considering what ive been up to of late.cos id hate to do that.

love to everyone
xxxxxxxx

not writing

I cant keep writing this right now.its really hurting me. I need to keep things inside for a bit until i know where im going. its just confusing me more. cos writing about how crappy i feel is just making me feel even crappier.

just so you all know

love you all

xxx

everything just feels wrong.

I've heard of having a lump in your throat, buti feel like i have one in my tummy. No, really. I dont want to eat anything because i already feel full. its always there, and anything i do eat just comes back up again, like reflex. i feel in a right pickle. I cry all the time, about nothing and everything all at once. i feel horrible.

the long and short of it

dyou know what really sucks-

the fact that even the excruciating pain im in from cutting my bowel isnt enough to stop me from wanting to do it again.

and the real pisstake-ive put on soo much weight.i dont even know how-i didnt eat the whoke time i was in hospital, and ive been pretty 'normal' for me since.which is an absolute pisstake.even my sodding face looks fat.i look shit in all of my clothes, nothing fits and i cant deal.i look like shit, and i feel like shit.

its nice to know ive got my priorities sorted. cos apparantly the weight thing, in my mind is taking precidence to my mum, and the really soon court case.good to know ive got that sorted.

i fucking hate myself so much

note to self

NEVER cut deep enough to perforate your bowel again. because it really bloody hurts. :(

I feel like im going off my head cos it all hurts so muc, with post op infection and stuff. someone shoot me PLEASE. itl be less painful, im sure.

xxx

champagne bubble of a girl (might be TRIGGERING, WARNING).

 This post should also probably come with a 'gobbledygook warning' And a 'this is long and pointless warning'.

'im just this champagne bubble of a girl about town' is from the book 'Bergdorf blondes' by Plum Sykes. A couple of years back, i loved this book.its airy nonsense, granted, but im not ashamed-sometimes i like to read rubbish 'girl' books about clothes, shopping and boys. lets call it my guilty little secret (erm, or maybe add it to the list or something).Anyways Just before i moved to cornwall, i had a friend called Nicky. we met eachother when life was, basically complete shit. we were both working in this scabby 'old mans pub' in this weird old place called New Malden, which would like to pretend its n london, but really, its not. where it should be, is in the dustbin. anyways, i digress. One day me and Nics were 'working' (a term i use very losely) and we were reading this book. and the champagbe bubble thing became a bit of a catch phrase. and we certainly put our backs into it! we used to get dressed up and dance all night, then rock up for work the next day (and i was still also working at the riding centre at this point, so was mucking out at 6.30am everyday.often still in my party clothes). if there was a party, we were there. I had perfect hair, and probably owned half of topshop(thanks to some really good tips i git from competeing peoples horses). Nic was THAT girl, and i was 'the girl that was always with her'. The other staff at the riding centre used to laugh at me, listen to the tales of my exploits, and make me feel like i was really living it up. Apart form Alex, a really good friend there, who caught me puking one too many times.but we wont go in to that.

Truth?im not a party girl. I like a dance, but im shy as hell.im not into the loud party scene. I like to go out, yeh, but like for a night wth my girls. see what i was doing, was oh so desperatly trying to be 'the champagne bubble about town'. Becasue what i really was, what was really going on inside my head, well there wasnt, isnt words. id just got back from uni, been kicked out of the house by my mum, and was really form being abused, and my subsequent termination. so i was desperatly trying to be something, anything but me.I guess i thought if i could change everything about me that completly, then my insides would change to match too.

i'll tell you something for nothing.It doesnt work.Not in the slightest, And its amazing what you can block out and ignore for a little while.Before leaving uni, after the termination, i took a massive overdose. i took everything under the sun, and the washed it down with vodka for good measure. I think i was going to slit my wrists, but apparantly i passed out first.and when i cam too, i had a one way ticket to a psych ward.  I dont think of ever talked about this before. No one in my family ever knew. I was there for about two weeks, and i lied my way out of there, saying it was a mistake blah blah, reaction to circumstance, impulse, every bollocks lie you can think of. I got discharged, went back to halls, packed a bag with some bits and bobs, and left everything else there. I dont think the hall ttor realised when she offered to store it for me it would take me 4 years to go back for it all. then i rocked up home, lasted a day before i was a heaving sobbing mess, and stupidly thought telling mum about the rape, and the termination, would be a good idea.not so much. she didnt beleive me, thought id judt been sleeping about and got into trouble.thanks mum.then she kicked me out. and my mum is dead.and i am still so bitter about this.what does it matter, she dies for christ sake.i should be over it.so why do i find myself so angry with her, no matter what im thinking about.

anyway, what i wanted to say is this. you can look ok on the outside, and be falling apart on the inside.

Im scared.i feel like im counting down until all the shit hits the fan. I get up, i have a shower, i eat breakfast, i do my coursework, i write cheery blogposts and tell my friends im fine.

how long can you put up a front before it comes crashing down? I hurt so badly right now.but i dont know what to with that hurt. I guess what im trying to say-is that im not ok.nt in the slightest.

but hey.im a champage bubble of a girl about town, right?

xxx

feeling grumpy

ugh.

I really would quite like to be a normal person today.

and another thing. there are only so many times you can study the same topics befroe the subject become totally soul destroying. I have an A level in biology, and studied it at degree level at Liverpool as part of the vet course. I have vet nurse and equine health qualifications. AND I AM SO SICK OF WRITING ABOUT HOMEOSTASIS!!!! i thought i was going to crack earlier when i wrote a whole bloody assignmnent on this and negative feeedback meachanisms without needing a textbook.cos thats when i realised how much space this rubbish has been taking up in my brain for tha last 10 years. I just want to learn something new!this stupid foundation course is like being stuck in a time warp. It pisses me off that i have to do it, i have A GRADE  A-LEVELS DAMN IT! i cannot beleive that they can possibly say they are out of date, when i am studying EXACTLY TO THE WORD the same stuff i did then.

and now i have to pay for the privellege!and put up with a whole load of shit from college.
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGG

you might have guessed, but im a little bit stressed right now.

im not really sure what im trying to say-TRIGGER WARNING

I think there are a lot of different ways of saying things. You could just say whats on your mind.

'I hate myself.I feel inferior to everyone, and i am a useless fuckup.and i need to lose weight.and it needs to hurt, because that is what i deserve'

you can eat too much.or not eat at all

'i feel like shit.i dont deserve to feel happy becasue i am fundamentally, a bad person. i made my mum feel so bad, cos i couldnt make her happy, she killed herself.the last thing she said to me was that i'm not good enough, and i let her down.buti can lose weight.i can do well at that.that will make it ok. and when that goes wrong, i can purge, because i need to get all the ickyness out of me.

you can hurt yourself

'i feel so bad, i cant get any space from the thoughts in my head.but real physical pain will block it for a while.and it will makeme feel better, because its what i deserve, i deserve to hurt.

i dont know what  want to say.Theres so much hidden away in me, and one thing leads to the next, and then it would all come tumbling out.so its best to keep it all shut away, where it is.

guess which way i use to 'speak'

something i just never thought about (this probably isnt very interesting)

I just got back from seeing doc, and i have to say-i love my GP practice, they all such lege's! had to see duty doc today, as mine sunning himself in the tropics (thats the thing about cornwall-everyone knows everything about you-its like you just acquire the info by osmosis or something. i cant wait for the annonyimity of london again).

He was asking me about college and things, and we got talking about physiotherapy, which im hopefully going to be doing in sept, and made a very interesting point. I always wanted to be a physio because i like the way that you can improve someones metal outlook on life, by improving their physical health-like helping someone who has had a stroke become gradually more independent, or helping someone just become more acive again. Doc pointed out that actually physios are really uselful to the mental health profession-because people will present with all sorts of achs and pains, which actually dont have a phtsical cause-they are the result of emotional distress, and a physio learns to spot this. and apparantly often people feel more comfortable talking to someone they dont see as a 'scary doc type'. and that physios will help people to deal with and treat injuries caused by self injury-such as myself i guess. I will need to see a physio to help repair the muscle i damaged from hurting myself.And he said that it was a lot more common than i probably realised.

I never really thought of it that way. It might sound like im being a bit airy fairy, but it really clarifies things for me-and its kicked my enthusiasm for getting to uni back up to where it should be...he told me all about courses allied health professionals can do in menta health, and all the differemt things they can do-i could even work for a home treatment team in the future, do massage therapy to releive tension, encourage activity, be someone to listen to-now that is something to aim for.

I think i just got some enthusiasm for life back again. Its amazing what can happen in a 20 min docs appointment.

basically, im just like, totally to cool for school, yeh?!! hahahahaha

I rock. wanna know the lame reasons why?well, im going to tell you anyway!

I finally finished the bit of coursework that has been making me want to cry for a really long time. I started it just before i went into hospital months ago, and i have been avoiding it ever since!also means i now only have 2 million and one bits of coursework left to do!

I totally called my cpn up on all her rubbish! And told her that i was sick of her forgetting to everything that we agree from one session to the next.

I told knobcentre they were knobs!hahahahahaha well, not really, but i did give them A LOT of grief

I didnt wimp out of going to have my scan to check how everything is healing up. I have developed severe hospital/medical professional phobia since the fun i had sans anaesthetic the other night. Verdict is not great, will take longer than they thougt to heal, and if infection doesnt go down, i might have to go in again. great.ney mind, all for the greater good i guess. On the plus side they give me some decent painkillers, so that made me feel a bit happier.

oh yeh.nearly forgot!i havn't cut today!

The last couple of weeks in Vickiland (a summary of this and that)

Anthems of the fortnight

'One hand in my pocket'- Alanis Morrisette
'Theres a star' - Ash
'Drops of Jupiter' - Train
'Raindrops' - Stunt ( This is my 'play it loud cos im pissed off, stomping along song')
'she moves in her own way' - Kooks
'Fans' - kings f leon (obviously)
'Anthems for a seventeen year old girl' - Broken social scene
'Wish you were here' - Incubus (im kinda obsessed with this song, have no idea why)
'Hit em up style' - Blue Cantrell
'Superman' - Five for fighting (LOVE. I has this on repeat on my ipod in hosp for about 2 hours before i realised)
'The seed' - the Roots
'Unpretty' - TLC
'Fast car' - Tracey Chapman
And the moomin theme tune Best not to ask.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiZ0eBFTH6k

Outfit of the fornight

Obviously, there is nothing more stylish than a hospital gown.obviously.Especially when it has been stamped all over with the catchy slogan 'property of Royal cornwall hospital NHS trust'
why? is this where tax money goes-slogan printing?? Cos seriously, who is going to STEAL a hospital gown?!!

Lust Item of the fortnight

From Motelrocks.Again.I wish Motel would realise how much i go on about them and give me free stuff

How super cute is this!:)

Reading material of the fortnight
An edition of 'sugar' magazine from 1992, found in Hospital waitng room. There is nothing i now dont know about backstreet boys!this makes me happy:) And apparantly purple eyeshadow was 'tha bomb'.who knew!

Number of hours spent on phone to knobcentre (ahem, i clearly mean jobcentre.clearly.)
None actually. Fearing it would push me over the edge, this task was taken on by  'the angry scottish mother'(actually her name) of my good friend, who very much enjoyed expressing her anger, in an obviously healthy way to these fantastic people. I thank her from the bottom of my heart.

Number of payments received from knobcentre plus

Zero.

Number of stitches

many.and then a few more.what a knob vic!i actually feel like im held together solely by bits of blue string right now.This is not good.

Number of times phoned CPN
Countless

calls returned by CPN
Countless

Victory of the fornight
erm...
Still being alive-possibly.

Cute stuff that made me happy:)
getting lovely texts from Katie when i got home from hospital
All the amazing lovely encouraging emails i had from Jessie, Jennifer, Loubie, Sarah, Ellie, Katie, Sarah and other lovely chicks waiting for me when i got home
getting the sweetest email from elk, saying-
'you know, if you were a component in nail polish you’d be the glitter. That little extra added oomph. (or the ‘oooo’ in typhoo tea...)' which i catually think is the super cutest thing ever said to me!


thanks for sticking with me guys


xxx

number of times have used word 'obviously' in this post
quiet a lot

costa del NHS

Its a good job I'm not working right now, cos i rekon I would have used all my holiday allowance up at the costa del NHS...

I seem to be spending a lot of time in hospital of late...this must be fixed.

Also because A and E seem to have a new policy about local anaesthetic and suturing of SI wounds..i'll let you dwell on that one.Stupid junior doctor, YES it does hurt to have internal sutures with no anaesthetic, and its completely different to SI, which im in control of-you may be missing the point...

I am going to bed to sulk about how much i hurt-but mostly about how stupid i am-cos i fully aknowledge that this is all my fauly anyway-just owwwwwwwwwwwww

ps im not ignoring people-is till cant comment on anyones blogs grr, blogger hates me

I am very sad.

Maybe, just maybe baby...

...i think i learnt something over the last week or so.

Maladaptive coping behaviours do nothing but spring you right back to where you were before. Do not advance, do not pass go, do not collect £200.

They dont help you move forward. Even when you are lost in listening to your ED-well losing weight might make you feel your making progress, but all you are really doing is moving backwards, slowely but surely. Self injury might make you feel better in the moment, relieve your tension-but dealing with th shame, pain, getting treatment etc etc only brings you crashing back down to what a failure you really feel like. Notice i use the phrase 'feel like'-because self injury does not make anyone a loser (unless your me.cos im a hypocrite.sue me.).

And thats exactly why, a week later im sitting her in EXACTLY the same place i was last week. well not literally. last week i was hooked up to a lot of machines and pretty much out of it.but you know what i mean.

It didnt get me anywhere new-no where i hadnt been before.

 Lovely Jessie  has been telling me this for months. And whilst i new what she meant-well now i really understand the point she was making. Cos it really doesnt. It just causes even more stress and problems.

which i guess is exactly why I want to do it again.and again.and again.

makes sense huh

I should have just done it properly to start with.

uneasy

This time last week I tried to kill myself.Pretty much to the minute this time last week.

I dont feel too great right now

everything hurts-but still, like then-its not enough

i dont know what i want

You can take the life out of a vic, but you cannot take a vic out of life!!! :)

I guess sometimes you have to believe it is going to be ok, before it actually is.

hey there

I just got home from the hospital this evening. And, logging into my email, and my blog, and facebook- I felt truly overwhemed and touched by the care and support and general fabulousness you have all shown me.

I'm so so sorry if i worried people- I honestly didnt mean too. I've been writing and re writing this post for about an hour now-because i cant really figure out the words. So i'm going to leave it at a really big thankyou, to a lot of lovely people- Jessie, Loubie, Jennifer, Sarah, Katie, Rachel, Elk and Nicole-and everyone else who made me feel that i had something to keep fighting for.

I dont really know how i feel right now. im so ashamed, and im frightened, and I dont really know which way up the world is. I dont really know how i feel about the fact that i am still here.

This is what the surgeon said to me today, when he checked me over before he discharged me-

' If you feel like you have nothing left to loose, then surely-by default-you only stand to gain'

I love you guys

thankyou-and im sorry.

vics xxx

Hospital

Do you know what the worst thing is? cos its not the shame of having to admit that you cut yourself up. Or having doctors look at you like your a waste of space. Its not the look you get from people in the waiting room when you start to cry and dont think you'll ever be able to stop. Its not shame of them having to call a surgeon down cos you went a bit too far, when they could be doing something else-helping someone with a real problem.

It's when they ask you for a contact number for your next of kin. Cos thats when you realise exactly how alone you are.

I spent most of the afternoon and evening at hospital. Ive just had a dozen internal stitches and a silly number of superficial ones. Everything hurts-bt it doesnt hurt enough. So im sitting here in a complete mess.really. I cant stop crying-becasue nothing is alright, and i cant keep pretending like it is. I think I probably need to go back to the hospital cos i've just cut even more. I try and I try to make myself feel better, make myself get through my Ed and Si issues, make myself be someone who isnt such a lash up. And I cant cope anymore.  Never, im all of this-has anything felt as impossible as it does right now. ive not felt as messed up as i do right now, and ive not hated myself before as much as i do right now. I dont want to be hear anymore cos i cant bear to feel this way for any longer.

But the thing is-well now i realise-it really is me, myself and I.thats it.and wow, look how useful i am , not. I'm not going back to the hospital because i cant stand being patronised and told that things will be ok. And sent on my jolly way again. I cant take this anymore, and i dont know what it will take to get someone to realise that. But i guess it really doesnt matter anymore.

love vic xxx

cant comment on any blogs?!

i cant comment on any blogs all of a sudden?any ideas?
the little box you have to select your idea from just shows up as blank and doesnt drop down?
this is doing my head in
grrrr
please help someone!i cant figure it out and been going through blogger help for ages and getting no where. 3rd party cookies enabled. cant think of anything else.
please help!