So when am i allowed to not be able to cope? oh, i know, never.

I dont really like myself much right now. sorry, I know i should be all positive and stuff-and yes i also know that a lot of people would absolutely have loved to have had the admission to the day unit i just had (and belive me, i know what waiting for help is like), BUT-

i have never felt (been) so fat or hideous and icky and messed up in my head before. I get the ok from occupational health to go back to uni (pending a meeting with my tutor) and I immeadiately feel like everything is caving in on me. Looking at all the stuff i need to do, when all i want is to get in to my bed-nest and pull the covers up right over my head and cry and cry and cry. Im sik of bitchy people bringing me down, im sick of everything, and im sick of myself. I want to be looked after and for someone to do things for me for once, instead of having to deal with all my own stuff, then everyone elses on top. when are people going to get that i just cant do it. I cant be there for them when i have noone for me. i thought it was supposed to work both ways, so why is it always the same. I just want someone to help me make it ok. All the grown up stuff with student loans, needing accomodation sorted like yestereday-i just cant deal with it all. I want someone to help and tell me its ok. And i ask and i just get told that i know what i need to do, good girl, your fine, you can sort it out, you always do. when am i allowed to not be able to cope?why do i always have to pretend thats its ok cos thats what everyone else needs. and even when i say i not, sob and pour it out, noone helps, they just leave me to get on with it. well i need some help. I need somewhere to live but i have no money thanks to student loans fucking up. STILL. I already feel like i cant cope out of the unit, i already want to cut chunks out of myself. And i cant eat all that disgusting food. I make it, i dish it up, but i CANT eat that. im not supposed to, eating is a weak stupid thing to do, and i should know that by now. I accept i need to eat a bit to saty alive, yes. BUT noone could possibly need all the stuff on my meal plan, its indulgent and greedy. theres FUCKING PUDDINGS on my meal plan. I have never in my life had pudding before that time in the unit.why eat a massive meal then pat yourself on the back by eating something really fattening. I DONT GET IT. and im not being a drama queen here, i just genuinely dont understand. I just cant eat that, its moved on so fast and i cant make myself eat all that at home. I cried pretty much everyday eating it at the unit with someone encouraging me, But on my own i just cant find the willpower to get away from all the shit in my head and do it.

I cant do it. I just want someone to look after me for once.

there's a really big wall in my way.or a rock.or something.

I dont like my blog anymore. It seems so wholey self indulgent, and then I just end up feeling guilty for writing anything. Or i cant manage to write how im feeling, cos the words for that dont really exist.

maybe i just have to go back to pretending everything is ok for a while, because im too tired for this.

and i really dont have anything to say.

i think im taking a break, and i dont know if im going to be back here.

love

xxxxxxxx

same old story

i'm really not reasy to leave the unit. my last day is this comin thursday and im so scared about it. everything is so uncertain. I dont know if i'm going back to uni, needing to move out of halls, whats happening with treatemt-anything. and its so frightening.

I need to feel safe and i need to feel like its ok to need help, and i honestly dont know how to deal on my own again. i dont know if i can do it all over again.

over-riding thought of the day-

i just want to be skinny.

thats all

its not too much

pleeeease.

i need this. i cant stand being this FAT.

im very sorry, but i cant eat that food anymore. It doesnt matter of you tell me its medicine, its prescribed, i need it. I just dont trust you. you told me you were going to help me, but you havnt. you've made me feel soo much worse, so far from ok, you've turned me inside out, and now you are going to leave me to it. I cant do it. Not on my own. Im too tired to fight this on my own, and Ed says im fat, and weak and pathetic, and actually, im inclined to agree.

please. I just want to be noraml sized, and little like everyone else. I cant even do one thing right for my mum. she said i was fat, and she's right, and now i need to be skinny.

really far from ok

really fucking far. but its ok though, because im sure a hot bath will distract me from my thoughts and make me feel oh so relaxed when my whole freaking life is falling apart. and for the record, i dont HAVE a fucking bath.

Have i metioned how much DBT irritates the shite out of me. ( sidenote-before i continue, im going to apologise for the increasing amounts of swear words occouring in my posts of late. id replace them with alternatives, but the truth is, typing them is strangely satisfying. FUCK!). Yes, i know that it teaches very seful distress tolerance skills and im not knocking that. I'm even, surprisingly for me, not going to bitch about how much i dislike mindfulness. to be fair, my intense loathing of DBT stems from being taught it as an afterthought in a CBT group in Cornwall a couple of years ago, by 2 trainees who had never done anything before, triggered the fuck out of me by asking me to focus on thoughts about abuse, them left me to it when i went mental having flashbacks. But thats another story. The point im trying to make in a very skewed and roundabout way is this-thats its all very well asking someone to push these hurtful and difficult thoughts away, back in to their tidy little space in your mind, ready for when they are actually wanted (never)-but repeatedly telling me to ignore this things and distract byself from them is rather like telling an ant not to move when its about to be trod on my a mammoth. theres so much of it, there isnt room for it all in my head anymore. you cant ask me to talk about things in a very brief way, without pulling these thoughts forwards, making me re-live them and then expect me t be able to handle it. i cant file them away when they havnt been processed. And being continuously told that its not theright time to talk about things is just making me feel like i should be ashamed, that my experiences are invalid, and not reason to have led to this, and like, still, after everything, noone is really listening to me. and thats what hurts.

I got told today by one of the psycotherapists-who'd never spoken to be except 5 mins today-that the EDservice wasnt going to be able to help me after these 4 weeks, because they didnt think it was the appropriate way forward. so im right back to where it all started-thinking i was going to get support, when in fact, im going to be left on my own to cope in 2 weeks time, with still not a clue about food, still struggling very much with ED behaviours and feelings, and knowing that im going to get no more further help. oh, and the ED service told my uni that im not fit to go back this year, so now, i dont even have uni to go back to, and the structure of it to help me through, and no help to deal with the massive implications of that. because you cant pull my life apart, and not expect me to fall apart.

Im not fine, and im not fucking ok

its not alright. its not freaking fine, im not fine, everything IS NOT FINE.

im NOT FUCKING OK, AND I'M FRIGHTENED COS I'VE NEVER NOT KNOWN WHAT TO DO TO MAKE OT BETTER, FIX IT. apart from eat everything, eat nothing, puke my guts up, or slice through vital arteries.obviously.

IM NOT FUCKING OK. IM REALLY, REALLY, REALLY NOT.

its not fine, im not fucking fine.