i hate this

the uncertainty of everything right now. I cant stand it. I feel so wobbly with this whack of depression, its like its smacked me in the face. It makes it so much harder to try and eat, because i just cant be bothered to think about the hassle of food, so i just don't. and then things get bad, and then i just sleep and sleep and then thats all my life is. no matter what i do, it comes back to another round of this. i thought i was over this phase now.

Familiarity

I feel like all I am is my eating disorder.

I don't want it; but at the same time I'm really scared of it not surrounding me. As much as i try and fight it away, sometimes, I feel comforted by its familiarity. I don't feel like i have any point anymore.

nostalgia

I've just looked back at some of my old posts and I really miss the bloggy people I used to talk with a couple of years back. So this is just a thank you, if you ever see it, for just being there when it was really really awful. 

Thanks xxx

bloody food does my head in

am so fed up with it. Food takes over my whole life, STILL. Its always bloody well there. In illness its all about trying to manage with none of it, and in recovery its trying to bear having some of it. I HATE IT.

i hate how i can send a whole day debating wether its ok to eat a piece of fruit because I'm hungry between meals. Im fed up with worrying about meals and worrying about dinner time at breakfast-being awake all night worrying about breakfast. ARG.

i hate the feeling of food, and the taste of it, and chewing it, and how it feels when you swallow. I hate feeling full - there never seems to be any in-between anymore- I'm either full, or so hungry I'm not sure if its because i feel sick and ill.

I mean, do i just embrace it, and accept this as my life? or do i keep getting to the point i feel genuinely suicidal keep trying to eat?

I dont know anymore. But I do know that i cant keep going on like this. No mans land is doing my head in.

this week i have to go and have tests about the blood that comes up when i'm sick- i have to have a gastroscopy and I'm really stressed about it.