Relapse, and rational thinking.

As a person, I very much fall on the more pessimistic side of life. I think the theory behind this is that if you expect the worse, than anything else is a pleasant surprise. This doesn't necessarily make me a "glass half empty' type - it just means that i spend far too much time thinking, and not enough actually doing.

Which is perhaps in part why I am thinking that this relapse means that nothing is ever going to be right, and that I might as well give up now. Anyone who has read my blog for a while knows that this tends to quite quickly make me veer towards suicide type thoughts and self harm. 

I have spent a significant part of this week with various people at the day unit, talking about this. And you know what-well relapsing does suck. But at least I'm able to distinguish between relapse and illness-and see that there is space inbetween to get things back where i want them. Which is a definite difference to even 6 months previous to this. A friend of mine died at the weekend, far too young, and its such a sad, dark time. And its ok that im feeling so undone and so so sad, and numb to things. And its normal to not be managing very well, and finding everyday things such a struggle. it makes sense and its understandable that food is so difficult. I feel like everything takes so much more effort than it would usually, and all the staff tell me this is a normal part of grieving. and that i didnt grieve for my mum, so maybe its all coming out now, hitting me even harder in one go. So whilst its not OK to relapse and let the ill thoughts invade my head space, its understandable. And it doesnt mean that i cant make it better. Its HARD to eat everything im supposed to when i feel this way. I missed a lot of food out over the last week-and its not been willfull restriction, more that i just haven't got to it, its got a lost in a mess of crying and fitful sleeping and being so drained and depleted. And i know that for people without an eating disorder, losing ones appetite would be seen as normal in a situation like this. And while this is the case for me as well, i cant just not eat-beacuse it gives the ED so much scope to start to move back in and shit on all the work i have done.

It gets harder when you feel like you are keeping secrets between you and your illness. I've managed to be honest about what i have and havent done food wise with staff, which helps. 

And yes, i feel horrid, and hopeless and defeated and have a LOT of triggering thoughts about not wanting to be around anymore. But if i can just keep telling myself thats its ok to feel like this, its expected, ive just lost someone special to me, and im just starting to deal with the loss of my mum, then maybe they can just stay as thoughts.

I think I just got rational about this.

How the heck did that happen?!

things that make you wonder why...

I had some really, really terrible news over the weekend, the kind of things that shatters your heart into a million pieces, makes you curl up with grief, and ask "why, why, why?"

It makes me want to hold everyone i love close to me, and never let them leave, and it also makes me want to push everyone far far away, so that it doesnt hurt when they go, cos i got there first. 

I hate that i have relapsed so badly. I hate that by relapsing, its becomes about me. and its not, its really really not. That all the support at the unit turns into how are you coping with food/self harm, instead of what happened. I didnt want it to be-and by posting this im going to own that, stop it and get on track again. Because too much life has already been lost.

xxxxxx

i love you precious precious girl xxxx