tonsillitis and other things

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I hate tonsillitis. I get full blown, actual tonsillitis twice a year, once in the summer, and once around about now, and have done for years. and yet the stupid NHS still insists that its too risky to take the bloody things out of my throat.

im really struggling with everything at the moment. I feel like im not really ill, more like just utterly stupid, and therefore should not have been taken up IP space on the ward, and now shouldnt be in day care. i mean, all i have to do is not puke. why cant i just DO THAT? i feel like im not ill compared to the others in day care-they have all, or are needing to put on weight from anorexia. and them being small, and me being, well, anything but, is really making me feel crap. Like i did this all wrong-well i know its ALL wrong, but i couldnt even do what my mum wanted-me to lose weight. im talking in confused circles right now, but i could really do with some blog love please?

xxxxx

all a bit much

ok, yeh, i know i say that a lot, but im finding things really hard at the moment. Having left the inpatient ward, i now attend day hospital, from 8-4pm weekdays. which means i get to spend a lot of time with myself at weekends. Edit. I get to spend a lot of time trying to resist the urge to puke until i pass out, and break various parts of myself. nice, huh. Sometimes, i think its kind of sad that it comes to that. And then i remember how bloody rubbish i am.

im wittering, and cant quite figure out the point im trying to make. so,yeh, i know its hard, and everyones says its hard-but where the heck did my life go. Because i feel like right now, i had more of a life when i was using Ed behaviours. And now my entire life is taken up with trying to stop myself from doing things.sometimes i can hardly find the energy to bloody breath. so i guess i must be getting something in this recovery shizz right, if its meant to be hard!

I havnt cut or anything else SI wise for 4 weeks now. I slipped up and made myself sick on thurs night, but before that it had been 2 weeks. Which is pretty impressive by my previous standards. days when ive been sick hitting on 60 times. no joke.

so, heyho.

I got some new goldfish today, cos i miss John Paul and Ray Quinn, who i had to leave in cornwall, SOOO much. I cant think of names for these 2 yet, but will put a piccy of them up soon.

xxx

back in the land of the living

after a rather abrupt break from blogging (and well, life really), im back. and sort of the right way up.

I've been on an Inpatient Eating Disorder unit for the last 5-6 weeks or so. I've been attending day patient care for the last couple of weeks, and going back to the ward at nights, and tonight is my first night in my new flat. Its a trial night away fromt he ward to see how things go-but if it goes to plan, then i should be back home on sunday, and attending the Ed day unit for the next 6-8 months.

i think i feel a little bit better

xxxx