I think i'm in denial about my entire life.the fact that i exsit even, probably.
I was talking to the lovely Jessie earlier, and it really got me thinking about this. See, denial is this amazing thing that lets you push everything into a little hole, out of the way and pretend it never happened.
until you find that your hole has completely filled up.
I think a big part of the reason that i've not really lost it right now is that my old friend denial came to help me out. So, none of this stuff happened, this whole mess and heartache-if i dont buy into it it will go away. And when it pushes itself to the forefront of my mind-flashes forward, ny brain just goes 'IGNORE, IGNORE, and it cant hurt you'. so it gets shoved back into the hole, and happy days, you get ten minutes before it happens again.
Now im not advocating this as a good idea. Cos the obvious flaw in this excellent little plan is that all you are ever really doing is frantically trying to block it all out-essentially your plugging the leaks in the hole up, until you reach the point where your plugging cant keep up with the overflow.
And thats when you go a little bit barmy. And who knew?!Ed and SI are right there waiting for you.
Obviously-and i can see this-i can-is that you have to deal with things as they happen, or as best you can when they happen, instead of using your 'safety deposit box'. But how the hell...
I think thats what happened when i ended up being admitted to hospital a little while back-it was just all the stuff from my hole pouring out, and i was doing anything-everything to get away from it, which i guess explains the mess I got into with SI.
Denial is a bitch. especially when you can see how its helped you hold on to your last bit of sanity.
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
That is a really good point, it really is better to deal with things as they happen, rather than storing them all up until they overwhelm you later. I guess the hard part is figuring out HOW to deal with them as you go along.
Sarah x
hmn, i may have just something a little drastic with that damn playdough!but hey-at least im not denying it!!
i hope you are ok m'girl this is really interesting looking at denial. i repressed a lot of things in the past and i was in denial about a lot of stuff, at the time i was not capable of dealing with them in a healthy way and I didn't have any tools, later i learned the behaviours of an eating disorder and found that it was the best way to cope, 5 years later i realised i was in denial the whole time there too because out of that developed another problem. but then again i still wasnt ready to deal with everything on a deeper level. now i am.
i am hoping we can get on a facebook chat or something soon cos its been a while, sending you huge amounts of love and i am thinking of you. maybe you could get some grief counselling? thinking of you. you really are so strong vic, and i do admire you like i said on my post, i meant everyword! xxx
you are so right about denial. I think that's why I exploded so many times last week. I kept on bottling up my anger and putting it in (instead of a hole, I'm going to say a vegemite jar because that is so aussie of me) and putting the lid on it. Obviously one day the overflow will cause it to explode and explode it did. I think that's why now I am so hell bent on my homework that Cecily gave me. I did a number of them last night and I was surprised by what was coming out as I was writing. I didn't really know it was there but I just let my pen write whatever popped into my head. I feel so much relief now, I just have to keep it up. It is hard though!
*hugs*
Sarah
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