Eating and stuff

Why is it so hard to just eat? 

On from here

Blogging used to be really supportive. When I first started this blog there was a little group of us who checked in with eachother and helped out and stuff.  Now blogging - well I dunno. I used to want this to be about other girls with bulimia bad ednos feeling valid- not like anorexias poor cousin...that we struggled too. 

Now I'm bored with feeling like I have to validate my illness against other peoples idea of what an eating disorder is. ARG

Fuck it. Sometimes it's just nice to not feel lonely. 

I may have become more of a functioning person these days and I think I feel my eating disorder is different now-  it plays a different purpose to it's original of "lose weight at all costs". Now it is safe, a retreat, rather than being fuelled by desperation and need and fear. Now it just is. It's still shit though. 

Daydreaming

About food. 

Again. 

All the bloody time. 

I can't eat it because I will want to be sick and being sick wins in the battle of "not being sick" cos I'm fat and tired and worn down by shit. 

And if I'm sick il screw by bloods up some more and that would suck as need to NOT get sectioned right now. 

But oh the daydreams. 

Eating disorder fiction/memoirs

Can someone recommend a book which is more about bulimia/ednos than anorexia and isn't uninspiring? 

The last one I read ended in death and can't deal with that again, but do seem to have an unquenchable thirst for these books right now. 

Thanks x

Easy

It's all so much easier when you are ill. You don't have to think about shitty things that hurt, done by people who shouldn't be doing the hurting. You just think about food. And really, I've been doing that for years so it should be simple by now. 

I'm really hurting. It's so complicated and so hard and it really bloody hurts. 

Beautiful girl- lighting candles

Today I lost someone special. I met her in  an inpatient programme in York- the best programme I've ever found. I felt safe there, enveloped in care, but pushed- oh so pushed to be well. 

Previous girl slipped from us in her sleep. 

Rest in peace darling. You deserve peace. Love always xxxx

You will be remembered xxxxx

Getting back to normality

I've been at work for almost a month now. It's been so draining and so hard working full time. I like the feeling it gives me- of being normal, finally.  Of doing what other people manage. It gives me a kick. For so long there have been people and professionals telling me that I'd never manage to work, some even said I should live in supported housing. Sod that. So I'm immensely enjoying proving them wrong- not that they ever realised how deep there words cut me. 

I'm proud of myself, a little. I finished my degree and have a professional qualification and a job. I found my job fairly easily after graduation- I spent the summer working part time doing some private work and 2 weeks after starting to look for an nhs job I had one. Sorted. So I can't be that crap. 

But it bangs away in my head- im waiting until I mess it all up. It's like an unexploded bomb biding it's time. I guess I can't believe that I'm allowed to have a happy ending. 

I had to phone in sick this morning- I hated hated hated doing it. I broke my back in the new year, falling from a horse. I fractured my spine- luckily,luckily no nerve damage but the pain was awful. I finally managed to get back to work but it's been really hard the last few days- it's gone Into spasm. I feel so useless for having to have time off so soon from starting. 

Normality...I was on the edge of a relapse ...I was going to fall big time. Ive managed to pull it back and I've not been sick for 2 weeks. I want to restrict very badly but I want to be able to work more. That's got to win. Having a life has got to win. I'm so excited- I'm moving really soon into a beautiful flat. I have a gorgeous amazing horse. I've got a job that pays well. I can connect better with my friends because I'm not distracted and disconnected the whole time. 

So gotta just keep plodding on. 

Starting again

Here we go again. I've been here before for sure. Food plans, blood tests, people trying to weigh me. 

But I want out 

Out into wellness

I'm qualified now. A proper Physio. I've got a job. I just want to be able to do it without the thoughts

Don't eat..don't eat..don't eat..skip breakfast because you need to run for train...skip lunch because you have client notes to write...skip dinner becaue you are so god damn bone tired and just want to sleep...dear god just be skinnier. Take up less space so you are less in the way. 

Work is killing me. I turn up with my sandwiches and fruits and yoghurt, as prescribed. For lunch they all have these Tupperware boxes full of eloboraye salads...I don't even know what they are

It makes me feel stupid. Makes me want to hide my hello kitty sandwich box, that I use as I had it on the day unit- it's for luck. For good times Sake. 

I just want to hide. 

And be smaller. So much smaller. 

So I fit in. 

Somewhere.