New beginnings

Last night i got told by a surgeon that if id cut any deeper i would have perforated my stomach and died. Hows that for a reality check.

ok, thats probably the wrong place to start. I've just been feeling so frustrated recently, and i think it all caught up with me. Im really disappointed in myself that i've turned to self injury in an attempt to get some space from ED.

But there is no way in hell things are staying this way!

So last night was real upset and ended up making an exsisiting cut kinda worse...worrying thing is that it didnt look that bad-really wasnt sure it needed looking at at all, then got there and registrar started freaking out and calling surgeons to check things. Anyhow i guess i was so busy feeling miserable that i forgot that, actually, I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS! Binging, purging and restricting, self injury, this things all just make me feel like shit. And yeh, its a big part of me and the way i have learnt to cope...and il probably always be uncomfortable with my weight...

but il tell you something for nothing...

THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE ANY FREAKING MORE!

im going to be exactly who i want to be, know matter how long it takes me to find out. And im going to go to uni wherever i want, and im going to do everything to make it a happy time for me.

you cant change the past, but neither should you have to live amongst its broken pieces either.

so, ok, im not going to morph into somebody i like and respect overnight, but im going to give it my all to get free from all this crap. I dont want to spend the rest of my life talking to doctors and out of hours services, and i dont want to have to go to A and E and feel im wasting their time with something i did to myself...They were really nice though last night, have to say. i've had some crap getting treatment for SI wounds before, but everyone last night was really good, and spoke to me like i was someone who actually, like had feelings, and a functional brain, which makes a change. I freaked out big style when the surgeons came to check me over, but the registrar doc was lovely, stayed and spoke to me like i was someone that mattered.

Hmn, maybe thats because...shock horror-i am someone who matters.

xxx

Honesty...getting real

you get me?!sorry, couldnt help myself.

ok, so honestly, its not quite as rosy as people think right now.
so, actually honestly, this is how i am...cos really, whats the point in lying to yourself...

I feel hideously fat.Im sorry, i just feel horrid through and through. But I know its really some twisted ED thing, why im feeling this so acutely right now...so just have to work on telling Ed to go jump.

Sore. Had a few issues with self injury recently, re above. And know i need to let my doc have a look, but, not so much.

My throat and stomach kill right now. This is entirely self inflicted, yes, but hey, if im being honest, cant really ignore it. So also need to tell doc this has got a lot worse..but its so hard to deal with telling him these things, i hate to let him know that im messing up even more.

scared.cos if i dont get to talk through some of this stuff soon, i dont really know how im going to hold it together for much longer.

But, hey, im like totally fine, yeh.

xxx

well, thats done for another year then!

Someone really clever and fabulous said something to me a few days ago.

'I know i can change.I just have to find the courage to do it'.

well, knowing that is half the battle :)

I can get over this, and I can move on. I dont need ED, its just going to take a while. And thats ok. I mean if it takes a lifetie to get to this place, then surely you cant expext to leave it all behind overnight, right?

baby steps, with the best foot forward:)

I started writing my food diary again today. Yeeehaaa. I hate food diaries, but i do see how they help. It makes your day even more focossed on food. But maybe thats how it has to be for a while, before you start to get better.

xxx

Christmas on my terms

I feel like i havnt written on here for ages.I think i ran out of things to say, because i was feeling like i was stuck in quicksand, yknow.

But this year is going to be christmas my way. No negativity from my family(there is a definate advantage in them living abroad!), no being forced into christmas dinner cos its tradition (dont get me wrong, im not being pro-not eating here, i just dont want to feel bullied into food that i dont want), i can have what I want to eat, and no forced happyness because 'its christmas therefore we must all love eachother amen'.

So im going to spend the day in a pro-recovery way, that is, im going to do things that are good for ME. I'm going to read my favourite book, and go for a walk on the beach. I'm going to talk to my best friends on the phone, and not feel guilty for indulging ina day alone, when the rest of the world thinks you should be with people, just cos its christmas. Theres a diffenece between being lonely and being alone. Cos yeh, i do feel lonely a lot, but thats because i isolate people, not because i dont have people that care.I just like to spend time alond, not even in an Ed way, i just find it relaxing and calming yknow. I'm going to try and stick to my foodplan, and try not to bully myself, and try to ignore ED if this doesnt happen.
And im not going to drink the bad things away into nothingness.

i guess im going to try out being me for a day :)

Happy Christmas

xxx

it does indeed go a bit like this...(and please give me some advice re stomach lining tear)

I started this blog with the intention of bolstering myself through recovery and using it as an outlet and support. So an apology for how this post is going to go... Cos im crap and ive had it. I just cant deal anymore. Im not being all 'woe betide me' here, though im sure it comes across that way. But i feel so misearble and alone, i just cant see a future for myself. I sent my UCAS form off yesterday. I dont know why i even bothered, cos with a bit of luck i wont be around by next september.Im not sure how much i mean that. ED thinks im worthless and i might as well be dead. Cos if im not following his gameplan for me then i might as well not bother. Now i do know better than that...I HATE ED AND I HATE THat I DONT KNOW WHO I AM (excuse the caps), buti just have this all consuming, overwhelming feeling off being rotten and bad and worthless through and through. so i go through each day, and its the same old crap everyday. I can just about get through the day, in a kinda zombie state, and its not for wan of trying, beleive me. i try lots of things to distract myself, and i fall into the whole domestic routine thing, and i go for walks etc etc. I think half the prob is that i dont feel i deserve to do the things that i enjoy, cos im not working.So if im not working i shouldnt get to do the fun stuff. Im having a hard time getting me head round this.It took my doc a long time to get me to agree to a period of absense from work, and now as much as i dont feel well enough to be working, i feel so lazy for it also.

i dont know where im going with this.

Also has anyone ever had experience of tearing their stomach lining.If so would you please give me some advice.Ok, so ive done this a few times now, pretty badly, had cameras down there and stuff. And it was healing up.but the other day i just lostit, had a bit of a slip and purged real bad, and there was so much blood. I think it's a new tear, and it hurts so bad, but im to ashamed to tell my doc how bad it is...told him it was just a little blood, cos i hate that i let him down.But hell, im in soo much pain cant describe, i know its my own fault for being such an idiot, but any advice on managing this. I knwo the stuff about not purging to let it heal and im trying soo hard to fight ed, but please if you have any ways og soothing, things to eat that wont iritate so much, please let me know, id really appreciate it.

xxx

Hibernation

i really want to curl up in my duvet and emerge in a few months time. Not just because i am freezing cold, and too poor to put heating on for very long, but because i am soo exhausted. No really, i mean 'i cant move, its not lazyness i just feel drained' kinda tiredness.

I spose it makes sense really-my body never knows whether its coming or going foodwise, and it all tends to catch up on itself in bouts like this, when ED is really giving it some. ANd i havnt slept well for months, wake up all the time from having flashback dreams, so get to the point where im kinda afraid to sleep. If someone could hit me over the head, that would be great. And i guess theres an element of attraction in hiding for a while. Trouble is, dont think you can really hide from yourself.

I guess really its just years of emotion and thinking and things that i have blocked out all coming out at once, and that is going to knock it out of you. but i rekon i have to deal with it all at somepoint to make it all better, and deal with it. I think my natural reaction to all this hurt is to hide, and curl up and want to disapear, and to an extent thats ok-well a couple of lovely people have told me its ok to do things like that to soothe yourself, as long as it doesnt result in isolation. So im trying really hard to beleive that, and do what will make me feel better at the moment.

the odd duvet day never did anyone any harm, and in the long run, well why not?! better than dropping down from exhaustion.

Im getting into bed now.

loves xxx

Apply some pressure...

Today i have been listening to Maximo park's 'apply some pressure', cos really, it seems quite appropriate.
i think we feel pressure in lots of different ways, and maybe from a lot of people, including ou=rselves, and Ed itself during recovery.

.Pressure from yourself..i should be doing better, i shouldnt have binged/purged, i should be hitting higher targets, i have to be the best at everything (actually, these things are kinda Ed's domain as well)

.Pressure from ED-'you loser, how do you think you are going to cope without me etc etc, too depressed to go on.

.Pressure from family-'why arent you better, surely all you have to do is eat?!'ARG dont get me started, or theres always the approach of 'why are you being stupid, theres nothing wrong with you!'.that one is my 'special favourite'. oh and the whole' your such a failure, why arent you doing better at uni, why arent you riding competitvly, you should be riding for Brit team, etc etc etc forever more.

.pressure from friends...to be fair, this isnt a massive issue for me with my best friends at all, cos basically they all rock and understand that im trying my best, and that really is enough. But sometimes, with friends you have isolated from(Or Ed doesnt like you seeing) its soo hard. They want to go for meals, they cant understand that getting better isnt just about eating, and they dont always get you need time alone. Yes, partly I'm to blame here, for not explaining everything, but i dont want to be labelled as the girl with bulimia by like everyone, so choose to tell only my best friends the details, as they support me.

.Pressure from therapists and doctors
I'm still waiting for a therapy referal. But i have been to groups run by the Ed treatment centre, and i often felt like i was failing to meet their expectations, failing to improve to their allocated time scale, so i felt pressure from this. I also, in a way felt pressure from the group, like i wanted to have positive things to say, and felt crap having once agan binged or whatever in the week...i guess you all know what im getting at. Also, where i live, their is a real lack of mental health services in general, so there is also an element of feeling that you have to be at the worst you could possibly be before you get any help...which goes against every bit of me striving for recovery.
My GP is my hero lol, he is so supportive and helpful and is doing his best pushing referals, and encourages me to see him a couple of times a week just to have a talk while im waiting for referal, just to let things out a bit. The thing is cos hes so fab, i feel like im letting him down for not getting better already, yknow. I know that that is in my head, and im pretty sure he doesnt think that-but its still a thought that bothers me.

I could go on, but this is making me feel a bit depressesd

'lets see what we can do if we apply some pressure'

my families motto.

xxx

apparantly i dont like being hungry...!

I had the most epic hissy ever last night! i spent the day in town with my friend, on a christmas present mission, when we got back to mine, the stupid front door lock had seized up...dont seem to be having a lot of luck with doors these days!

trouble was i was soo incredibly hungry, and REALLy wanted to have some dinner, had it all planned and didnt want to deviate...plus jeez i was soo flipping hungry, which was kinda odd...anyway, just in case you ever get locked out of your house in the night in december when its freezing, dont bother calling the police, cos they wont even give you a number for the locksmith...

Thing was, i lost the plot totally, cos i needed to eat, my house is like my safe place and i was more than ready to be in it...had a freakout trying to figure out what to do and just lost it.my friend eventually got hold of landlord, who said he wouldnt do anything till this morning, so styed at friends, but had a complete paddy about food!


fun fun fun

xxx

The fun fun fun practical consequences of ED!

Ok, so we are all aware of the physical and emotional consequences of ED, and to be fair, most of them are fairly obvious-yes, your going to feel knackered, your stomach is going to hurt A LOT, depression, feeling the cold, i mean i could go on, but we all know what they are.

But not something i've ever really thought about before...but yknow, the plumbing in your bathroom isnt actually designed to deal with the contents of your kitchen on a daily basis. Ok, so this isnt the most pleasant thing to talk about, granted, but i cant be the only person with a plumbing issue.

ok, soo, i think i've totally screwed the plumbing up.Sinks are real slow to empty, the toilet flushes, but i rekon the pipe is prob blocked further along. And doesnt matter how much i clean the plug hole of the shower, it floods everytime i use it-the bottom of the tray fills up. And my house smells like vomit. I CLEAN, before you all think im a scuzz, im kinda obsessive actually, but i think its the pipes, cos as you walk in the front door, you walk up flight of stairs to get to my flat, and it smells, but just on the stairs.And the plumbing/bathroom backs onto the wall here, so i guess thats what it is. Actually, i wondered what the weird smell was for ages, until my friend walked in and was like eugh vic, why does your house smell like sick, which, yknow funtimes!

Anyway upshot is that cant figure out how to fix it...my best friend had a similar issue last year and it cost a LOT to get fixed, and it ended with her ceiling flooding into kitchen. So i've tried everything to help this, not purging in toilet(which is another fun practical problem)-yes im trying to recover from my ED behaviours, but i cant change all at once.And i've used practically the whole of the cleaning aisle in tesco to try unblock.Have poured literal bottles of bleach down loo(i know, big guilt trip for environment)and shower and sink, and i swear its getting worse!

Any ideas?or had anyone else encountered any marvelous problems like this, if so please share so i dont feel like a complete weirdo!

xxx

help!

arg i have the worst urge to binge.....nooooooo!arg i hate you ed! Im gonna keep telling m,yself i'll be even more panicky and made with myself if i do, and its soo not worth the like 2 minutes peace il get for purging...and Ed will just do my head in all day!

DDDIIIISSSSTTTRRRAACCCTTTIIIOOONNN baby!

arg
xxx

:)

four days of breakfast:)

yehaaaaa!

xxx

i CAN do this! :)

I decided to write this stuff as a post, cos in a couple of days when im thinking im total rubbish, i can read back over it. I feel kinda proud of me at the moment, and i really dont ever think i've genuinally felt like that before. I've had breakfast for 3 days without purging, and this feels like a really big achievment right now, all about baby steps:)
And i've been really struggling with low mood recently, and today i went to see my GP and everything just came spilling out, and he just sat there listening to me talking for ages, was REALLY nice, didnt try and hurry me (tad over 10 min slot!) and said lots of nice encouraging things, and said he was really pleased that i managed to tell him that stuff. And he helped me figure out a new more manageable meal plan, and was basically just all kinds of lovliness, and is really pushing through my re-referals for me.
It helped, because i got stuck in a really bad way of feeling like i shouldnt be talking to anyone, and now i guess i feel a little recharged and ready to do battle royale' with ED again!!

:) thanks for everyones lovliness recently

xxx

a lovely little quote...

"Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes its the still quiet voice that whispers-i'll try again tomorrow".

Maryanne Radmacher

my life be like!

Okay, so at the moment its a fine line between me eating the contents of my freezer and then having a very long date with my bathroom, or writing about whats going on...and im guessing this is by far the better option in the long run:)
so here goes AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGG
its amazing what you can block out until you are forced to remember. But this time, I'M in charge, NOT Ed, so its going to go like this. I know what i need to do, and i need to stick to that, and i need to stick to what i know is right for me. So im not going to chicken out and take the easy way and just agree with my mum. I do need help, and im going to get it for myself, so i can get out of this hole. SO i am going to go to the consult for the clinic im thinking of going IP, and it doesnt matter a shred what she thinks, because its just her own denial of her own problems, and im not going through that again.

xxx

I feel like im going crazy:(

I seriously dont know what to do anymore. Because i feel like ive opened pandoras ox-like once you have opened a bit, it all comes spilling out, but im so tired and confused by gettng such mixed messages. because on the one hand, I've got people telling me i need to talk things through, and on the other-well whenever i do, I just get told continuosly that im looking for attention.And im not, I just want some help to deal with how im feeling:(

xxx