I'm really scared about going to college again tomorow. I'm not sure why its such a massive deal, it just really feels like it.And i dont know what to do.It feels majorly too much right now-but its ony going to get worse if i dont go. but im so scared and anxious and its making me cry already, and im not even there yet.
Got an email this morning form my tutor to say first lesson was cancelled, so was thinking-well thats ok, i can do that, its just an afternoon, its not to long and itl be ok, its just 3 hours, its fine etc etc and got it all in my head.that id stick with my little morning routine then rock along to get the bust at 12. But when I got back this eve from going for a little stroll for air, i had an email saying we DID have a lesson in the morn, someone was going to cover it. which made me feel panicky, cos im rubbish at dealing with plans changing-and for christ sake, how stupid AM I, its not even like its a big deal ffs. The only thing I feel really capable of at the moment is hiding under my duvet and crying.which i do very well. WHY am i being so silly here?i know im being daft, but even that isnt enough to make me snap out of it. If i cant even cope with XXX college, how am i going to cope with uni in London? I cant do with the questions, and people asking about my mum-i really wish my tutor hadnt asked me about her in front of everyone- and the sinking feeling that im just going to fail anyway, cos ive left it all far too late, theres an impossible amount to do, and i dont even know where to start. And my control freak perfectionist brain is NOT seeing defering as an option. i caaant do that, ive spent years defering my life away.so knowing all this, why cant i just bloody SORT IT OUT.
I look like absolute cak at the moment.I'm all puffy and bloated from the few days ive really cut down on purging. I took my cardi off on monday, genuinly forgetting the newish SI marks on my arm-and someone made a really nasty comment about being 'slash happy'. my skins got all skanky, my hair falls out if i touch it, and i generally look all kinds of gorgeous, NOT. None of my clothes are fitting right-either to big or to small, and i feel so uncomfortable with myself.
and now im really pissed off at myself, because i ended up cutting, and id managed 3 whole days without-which is the longest ive managed for weeks now. in fact-well thats just pathetic within itself really isnt it-3 days, whoop -de-doo, most people domt do it at all. jeeezus i need to stop crying and sort my life out.
and why does any of this even matter anyway.
i just want my mum back. I know its stupid, but i just really want someone to lookafter me, give me a hug, and tell me its going to be ok. I've never felt so utterly alone in my whole life.
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
I know exactly how you feel about changing plans--I get massively panicked if things don't end up going the way I've planned for them and I would absolutely freak out about the class being on again after it was canceled.
And I'm so sorry about the jackass who made that comment. People like that make me so angry.
And three days without SI is really huge! And it's still huge even if you fell down a little today. Because every time you have a stretch like that without SI, I think it becomes easier and easier to get away from. It's easier to get back on track or at least it is for me. And don't beat yourself up about this--it's impossible to stop all at once. You'll always have times when you slip up but you can always get back on track.
Take care of yourself and I will be thinking about you tomorrow. YOu can do this!
Sweetheart, you are doing frigging AMAZINGLY!!!
And I am sending the hugest, safest hug ever, all the way from Australia to YOU!!
Hang on.
Love you,
Jennifer xx
It's understandable that you're nervous about going back to college. It's hard to get back into the routine of going to classes and having to study, especially with the hard time that you are having right now. I get that feeling too, that all the work to be done is too much.
That's a horrible comment for someone to make and really insensitive.
Three days is still an achievment if it means you managed to resist the urge to self harm.
Take care,
Cassie x
Firstly, 3 days is absolutely amazing. You have every right to be proud of that.
Secondly, cutting down on purging is also amazing, and you should be proud of that two.
Thirdly, change sucks, and given the amount of turbulance in your life right now, it's understandable that you are freaked by it, and by comments of ignorant idiots (who should be ignored!). Don't forget all the good things you have done recently.
Good luck with college, and take things a step at a time.
Sarah x
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