This girl

is in a bit of a pickle.scrap that.
im knee deep in pickle.
and i dont like pickle:p

Game over.

This time exactly last year, me and my best girl decided to go for a walk, it was freezing cold, about to pour with rain, so obvioulsy, was without a doubt ideal weather for it.
theres this footpath that runs from one end of truro to another, via a lot of fields, farms and whatnot, so there we were bumbling sown this path, talking nonsense, decided was real good idea to have a little rest in a farmers field. We sat down, passed abottle of wine between us and laughed. I was always giggling about something. we carried on walking through the woods, down by this stream. then the storm started, and being the pair of 'on the ball girls' we were we took shelter under a tree.i know.i know!!we were listening to dons ipod, the usual rubbish music we take pride in, and she laughed so hard she slipped headfirst down the bank into the stream:) so theres me, dying from laughing so much, fishing her out by her feet, and convincing her, that 'no, of course we dont look like tramps' so i could get her to walk home! so we went back to where i used to live, and it was soo cold. so we sat on sofa, made mugs of tea, and hid under my duvet, listening to knocked up, by kings of leon.which was still on repeat when we wook up 3 hours later.
what can i say?!erm not a lot really. I'd like to say this sort of thing was a one off, but that would be a lie.about 3 weeks later we went paddling in the stream after a good night out-those boots were never the same.we've slept in hedges about 5 minutes away from where we live-cos its too far to walk. i've run into the sea with all my clothes on (fully sober i might add). ive jumped a four foot stone wall with a pony with no breaks and a broken arm.ive dressed up as a fairy to go to tescos far too many times to admit.i went to a lecture in my pj's at uni once cos all my clothes got locked in the halls wash room.ive died my hair the brightest red you can imagine.formed a spice girls tribute band (im proud).

That girl used to do all those things, and love it.Sure, Ed went along for the ride, but it lurked in the background, lived with, ignored, denied, dealt with.That girl had friends and loved to get up to no good and never hid away from her friends, and could always find the funny side in anything.

This girl has an eating disorder.she thinks about food, purging, staying away from her friends so she can give Ed the full attention it wants, her weight, and her inability to be good enough.she thinks of all the things shes failed at.she thinks about si, and feels like shes just a puppet, with si and ed moving her strings.she doesnt feel she can do anything anymore at all.because the voice in her head is so INTENSE and LOUD she cant hear anything else.

This girl feels like shes at the end.

xxx

maybe it'll be ok.or maybe its time to admit defeat

im too tired to fight anymore
its not getting me anywhere, just back to the start.
and the start is a place i dont like.so what do i do now?but i know how it goes.
im fed up with fighting, and putting a brave face on, to shield me from what has really happened.i could have a masters in denial by now.cos you know what, it never gets any better. i think im getting somewhere, sorting my life out,a nd then some other shit happens.
this isnt living
this is torure
i hate myself
cos i cant see how it gets better from this.

I've got a secret.or two.maybe three.

Is emptyness the same as pureness?

The story of the holy water
My mum is catholic, and was very religious when i was younger. She once went on this catholic pilgrimege thing to lourdes and came back with a bottle of holy water, which she split in to smaller bottles, so there was one in most rooms.very plain ordinary looking bottles.remember that!
EWhen i was a bout fifteen i was a rebelious little cow for a few months, i was home from boarding school for hols and spent all  the time i wasnt riding or competeing sneaking out with my girl tommi (her parents thought she was going to be a boy, so she has the unforturtunate, if not unusual name of tomacina!). So one friday night, we dressed up as only 2 fifteen year olds can (and i cringe when i think!) and sneaked out. We blagged our way into a club her bro worked on the door for, got drunk and got up to no good. got home, snuck in through my window-it was late,and mum would have lost ot bigstyle, and tumbled on to my bedroom floor.i went to the bathroom, came back, and went to get us some water, but when i got back, tommi had mistaken the holy water for bottle with drinking water in it-remember it looked pretty ordinary and she was very drunk!i laughed my arse off at her, and a few hours later, she went green and puked her guts up.I guess water thats festered in a bottle for that long aint healthy, no matter how holy!filled the bottle with tap water and mum never knew.oops.

Just read an email i got from her today, and she asked me if i remembered that night, and she swrote, 'well atleast it made me nice and pure ' hahaha

is emptyness the same as pureness?

pure.clean.whole.complete

.I'm not going to go all religious on you-neither is that story ment to cause offense. Im not religious at all, but i have respect for others beliefs.

secret two.I'm anything but.
she got me thinking, and maybe, she hit the nail on its hed, so to speak. Theres no doubting that my Ed got worse after i was abused. Because i sure as hell dont feel pure.i feel this dirty ickyness, used through and through and it never goes away.sometimes its worse, and i feel repulsive, so i binge and purge.sometimes i think that if i can be empty, all the feelings will go, so i will feel 'purer'.so i restrict.
sometimes i feel so dirty like i can contamiate others with my thoughts and 'dirtyness'.soemtimes i find myself washing with bleach to try and feel clean again.today i found myself manically cleaning my house, and its never enough.my insides feel dirty, and my head feels messed.

secret three.the big one.
there are a lot of times when i think id be better off dead.but im not brave enough to do anything about it.i dont know wether thats a good or bad thing.
after it happened, and i got home, and i started working at this really busy yard, i went out everynight and got drunk as punk.anything to not think.sometimes i thought that having one night stands would make me feel better, erase the thoughts that he had been there.sometimes i used to freak out and go insane if a bloke touched me.i used to cry if i saw new babies.because i hate him even more for that. smewhere in this mush,  met a lovely guy.he put up with a lot of shit from me.we eventually split up bevcause he couldnt handle what ammounted to a relationship with Ed.i dont blame him for that.one time he went to hug me and i went apecrazy at him, hit him, screamed at him, like it was reflex.that was scary.

i feel like a  freak. your only as sick as your secrets.

This one is for lou lou!

loubie, im thinking of you, and you have all my wishes and hope for serenity!im gonna miss you girl, you have no idea how much your emails have encouraged and picked me up, especially throught this really rough patch!kia kahora hahahahahaha i love my version!
anyway girl, i just wanted to say, that all the fabulous things you said to me-they apply to you too:)

i had fun answering your questions so thought id put them in my blog...
(questions from lous recent post)
lottery-i  not gonna lie.id spend a lot of money on clothes!haha but id use it to pay way through uni, actually im pretty boring, buy house etc-i guess i crave security or something!oooohhhhbut i would love to open up a littleboutique to sell the stuff i make!

my island book would be 'candide' by voltaire-its about this dude that gets into all sorts f dodgy situations, but gets through on the assumption that i will all come good in the end hahaha hard question cos i love to read!

song-well 'Fans' by kings of leon is my favourite song ever, like ever!donna says it like follows me around, and loads of people say they think of me when it comes on, so i guess it might be that.its my happy song,sad song, angry soon, all rolled into one!one song fits all!and my neighbour knows the words cos i play it all the time! other than that, maybe 'barbie girl' for the novelty facter!

hahah while i think of it,search 'chavs on the moon' on you tube, is hilarious!

food-actually thats really hard, and im embaressed to admit that i dont know.cos im really scared of trying things, and eat the same things all the time.hopefully haldon will help me change that.

race-erm i dont know,sorry rubbish at this game!bit off the point, but i would love to have an irish accent!haha

perfect date-ive had that actually!sitting by the water in st ives, having a chat, watching the sea, sitting in the sun, and just being lost in my own world:)

my language would def have curse words-but they would be ridiculous ones!but everyone would use them seriously...oh DUCK instead of fuck!pants, crapola, bit of a booboo, ooopsy!you can imagine!hahahaha have you ever heard of the saying 'that went a bit pete tong', instaed of wrong!everyone would say that!

would i have my ed in another life-erm yes and no.cos i see what an effect it has had on my life, and my family, and i would love to know how things could have been.but-i think ultimately it was the way it was supposed to be-it means that now im older i can understand how sick my mum is, and why, and it means someone can break the messed up ed cycle in our family-so if anyone younger loses the way, well id love it if i could tell them its possible to find your way back.so maybe i had to have it. I would change the si though.noone deserves to do that to themselves, and have it feel like its the only way to cope.

dream day!ive had that too hahaha was lovely day i had in summer with donna, i wrote a blog post about it, or my birthday last year:)or it would be the day that i had a proper convo with my mum.or the day i open my boutique hahaha

have always wanted to travel to russia, viva la soviet!

hollywood husband-that would be toby maguire, when he was in seabiscuit, or colin firth!i know its weird,  but i fancy him more as he gets older!haha ooooh or maybe ben barnes(but only when he does russian accent form bigga than ben!)


good luck missy!hehhehehehe
xxxx

here i am in moomin land!

im dreaming obviously.
but heres what it would be like

im at uni and i really LOVE it,love what im doing, and am having a fab time.i wan to be a student again, and go to parties, and rock up to lectures needing large amounts of coffee, and have fun, amd make friends and find out new things about my self.i want the chance to have another go at it, and not be scared.but in moominland nothing scares me, i can walk the walk, and be me and be proud of it.

fastforward a few years, and i live near the sea, and i work for the nhs as a physiotherapist, which is the best job ever, rewarding and stimulating, and im married to a guy that looks a lot like john paul from hollyoaks and i have children and its all fabulous. i still have my lovely ponies, and mum comes to visit in moominland

i eat normal meals, and i dont think anything of it.in fact i had a really nice bit of malteaser cake today, and didnt think anything of it-not before, or after or the next day, i just ate it.like i eat everything else. and my stomach ulcer totally healed and never hurts, and im the best mum i can be to my children,i enjoy my life.

i rekon in moominland i have my own little boutique as well, where i sell all the clothes and accessories i make in my spair time, and do commisions for people, and its super cool.

above all though, im happy.day after day, remember?!

I promise to stop talking about moomins now guys!

hahahahahaha

 -thats my inner laughter at this ridiculous scenario. i mean, hey you can ever laugh or cry, right, and crying makes me all blotchy and gives me the worst headache:)
sooo i went to see my doc, who is an absolute lege anyway, and he totally thinks that i will wim an appeal, and its ridiculous and hes really not happy for me to go back to work until ive had some proper help, or else il just end up back here in a few months time.wise words, but hard to believe.
so hes gonna send off a med report for me and a supporting letter. The problem is the meantime, because they wont pay me anything until appeal paperwork processed, which could be up to 5 weeks (how does it take that long to click the box on the computer to re-release payment??!!)

Next thing to do was to go to the jobcentre and apply for a crisis loan form the social fund-and just for future reference guys-dont ever do this unless you are in the mood to be berated, want to feel like scum, or just completely worhless-but if so, this is the perfect way!haha

anyway important lesson learnt today-
the powers that be granted me an emergency payout of-wait for it-£6 to last be until tuesday, when i can apply again. apparantly you can feed yourself on this for 4 days really well, and pay your bills and rent also, and still have some change for a good night out!
oh how i laughed!

lol

so i think i have a plan. im going to totally pretend its normal to have voice in head telling you to not eat/purge and just generally cause you grief-cos well my mum seems to manage, and pretend that all of this shit didnt happen, and just forget it.and go out and either sell parts of my body, or get a full time job.i might put a kidney on ebay!
sound like a plan?!
if only i could actually forget...am seeing the vital flaw in this plan.ARRRRGGGGGG.

any suggestions on what the hell i can do very much appreciated, im thinking i should deal, stop moping about the past and get a job, and just carry on like before, put it all back in its box...
and im sorry for ALWAYS moaning, and i really appreciate all the lovely comments youve all left me.:)

see you all in moomin world!

xxx

so it goes a bit like this...

 

pic just cos it makes smile:)

so it goes a bit like this...I get stressed about all the mush in my head and feel like its all caving in.so i dont eat cos thats one less thing to think about, until i end up binging, purging and beating myself up for it.

ENOUGH!

mealplan mealplan mealplan.

today i have to go to docs in a min, and ask him if he can write me a letter tosupport my appeal to get the benefit decision changed. then i have to mission it to the jobcentre to have meeting with them to see if they can sort out short term crisis loan, cos, they decided to stop all my income a day before i was due to recive it, which kinda preventsany forward planning.but hey what can you do!im sure that will be fun, and am sure that they will be professional and treat me with courtesy and not berate me for being benefit slob.spot the sarcasm..

I also need to be honest with my doc about the way im feeling, cos i told him i was fine the other day, when i obviously wasnt, and he cant help if he doesnt know how hard its getting. so thats me for the day!

i love my life.i love my life.repeat to fade...and i might start to beleive it.not.

xxx

that thing called irony.plus moomin link!

Apologies in advance for my appaling use of the french language!and for the swearing, but no other words doing justice, so im really sorry.
ok, i tried today. honestly i realy have, but seriously it doesnt rain crap it pours. im still trying to reach my happy goals for the day, so do excuse me if i start waffling randomly about moomins, bagpuss, or my ponies, im trying to think happy thoughts.

ever heard the song 'ironic' by alanis morrisette?
that is my life!

so there i was feeling realy pleased with myself-i had a nice chat with my gal to give her birthday love, whilst listening to crap boyband cd, started my anatomy assignment, and drumroll please...read the letter from police liason, and yeh it made me cry, but im proud of how i carried on after, and went out to visit my friend and introduce her to the wonder of the moomins to cheer self up.

when i got home, postman been-incidently, does anyone remember the days when the post used to come in the morning, and like get delivered twice a day?!my post comes at 3pm everyday, when its getting pretty late to do anything about it! so got a letter ssaying, that obviously, as im so much better, a no longer entitled to benefit.great.they tel me this one day before payday, when i can do fuck all about it ( je suis tres desolee for poor french-i know thats not right, but can only sort of remember, and having bad day!). I went for fun medical for jobcemtre people a few weeks ago, idiot doctor that interupted me when ever i tried to explain anything, and didnt listen when i told him i was STILL waiting to get some help, and actually, worse off than when i first started claiming. But hey, it says on my med report that i can remember to take my meds on time, so obviously am totally better. So got on the phone and asked to be sent a appeal form, and ask what they expect me to do with no job, benefit, money etc for the 4 weeks this will take.reply-'not their problem'.great. so then phoned the crisis loan service and now have to go and be interogated by them tomorow.thsi is shit.

i would very much like to be in happy day after day moomin world right now.

so, im thinking its really ironic-that i have to get ten times worse to be considered 'ill' by the jobcentre-and to be honest id like to see them try and deal with an impending court case, an eating disorder, a stomach ulcer that has flared up, and all the head fuck stuff im trying t sort at the moment, wothout having to deal with their shit on top. and i have been trying to get my cpn to call me back for 3 days now and im getting really fucking pissed off now.
also think is ironic that lack of income means that il be getting worse anyway-via forced starvation, and the fact that NHS are soo cak they refuse to help me unless i reach their target weight (which is a lot less than i am, so excuse me NHS for my bmi)

AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGG

but its ok though...cos we love the laughter and we love the living the moomins....
click here to discover the majestic moomins!

sorry guys, another rant, im trying to pick it up, honest!
xxx

My ideal holiday destination!

 

I want to go to moomin world!obviously far superior to disney world in that noone has ever heard of it haha, but i love the moomins...so i feel a trip to finland must be neccessary!

ok, so i know that you are all thinking im being even more of an oddball than usual, but everyone knows (well anyone who is sad enough to remember the words from thee thrme tune!) that the moomins 'are happy day after day' so obviously if i live the rest of my life as a moomin, than i shall be too:) haha

 

ok, so things that would make me happy TODAY!im thinking short term here, i guess getting through each day woth a shred of sanity still intactis the most important thing at the moment!

* I would be happy with myself, even if Ed hated it, if it the end of the day i had stuck to my mealplan.

*I want to call my best girl, cos its her birthday and she makes me smile, and shes soo faaaar away!

*being proactive wins the race...so instead of freaking out about college work, im going to aim to concentrate for half an hour on reading then see how it goes fron there (ive met goldfish wth bigger attention spans than me at the moment!).

*im going to put my biggest best bow on, take a deep breathe and call the Ed servive and explain how things are right now.again!

*im going to listen to my 'boybands hits' cd and sing along with pride!

*im going to get through today, cos all i have to think about is today.

*and im going to try and read the letter i got from the police liason officer (ok, i got this a while ago, when another gorl got in touch with me and said she was going to the police, as the same thing happened at uni to her, as to me...same guy, but she was too scared to talk after she saw what happened to me.shes gone to police, and wants me to give a statement.ive had this letter about a month, opened it, saw who it was from and shoved it in the cupboard.now im going to read it, cos having it there is only making me feel worse).

we love the laughter and we love the iving the mooooomins!caring and sharing and erm, cant remember anymore of song!

xxx

 

 

Button moon

 

When I was little Button moon was my favourite programme. its amazing and if you have never heard of it google it right now! its super cute, and soo simple, everything made out of rubbish basically, with characters called mr spoon and so forth...as i was unpacking my things from liverpool, i found my ole button moon poster:)iys amazing the sorts of random stuff ive been finding over the last few day.

I was trying to think of an appropriate analogy for button moon, and the way im feeling, but not happenng, in truth i just wanted to talk about it, so have no real excuse, other than its uber cute:)haha

i do like how simple it is though, and it kinda makes me wish for the days when my lifewas that simple...but thats just, i dont know, wishful thinking, and life just isnt that way, and i guess its not supposed to be.

My grandad used to tell me the moon was made of cheese:) and that when it changed shape, the moon mice had nibbled it all away.he used to show me the starrs through his telescope, and tell me stories about them. wish upon a star.

ive been wishing a lot recently. for a new start, for escape, for happiness. to feel able to move on from things, wish that i could have a betterrelationship with my mum, wish that she could understand me.wish i knew that for certain that things will change, and it wont stay this way, wish i was different, wish i was me, wish i was anyone else.

well, nothings for certain, and what i really need to do is stop trying to wish my life away, and get on with making it the way i want it to be:)

xxx

weighing it up-i dont know what to do anymore to feel better

I dont know what to do anymore...and i cant think of a word to describe how i feel now.

i dont know how to feel better anymore. I always used to think that thinking things through, dealing with the things that hurt and upset me and made me feel i couldnt cope would be like some magic cure.like id accept it, deal and leave it all behind.doesnt quite work like that does it!im so naive. Ed is getting harder to handle than it ever has been before, and i have no help at the moment.

heres the deal

1.i cannnot get ant space from ed and i hate it, i fight and i get nowhere and lose.which makes me feel even worse, so i get stuck in the whole cycle.i dont get why i cant just stop doing this.i dont want this,i just for once need this to STOP cos i cannot cope anymore.

2.I dont see how i can go back to uni in september this way, because i think its just asking for history repeat and more problems.and thats not just negativity, im just unsure how wise it woud be to do something as massive as that, while im still struggling so much, i wanted it to be a new start you know.

3.im gonna prob lose my place anyway cos i havnt been to college for ages cos i cant seem to stay awake for more than 3 hours at a time, its mega expesive to get there, and i keep having panic attacks at being around so many people.which indictaes that uni, again, wouldnt be the greatest plan.

4.my meds are doing nothing.but i keep getting told to just stick with it-and i have been on them for months now, at varying doses.whats the point.

5.im sick of being piss poor, ive met peasants that have more money than me, because my benefit keeps getting screwed up.i hate claiming it in the first place, makes me feel horrible, and it took a lot to persuade me that i needed a break from work in the first place, but i swear it is so stressful trying to keep to a mealplan when the government seems to think i can live on about a fiver a week.including bills.its like enforced restriction, and i cant handle this anymore, but i feel so cukoo that im terrified of working, i left my last job, cos i basically had a bit of a breakdown.please dont think im being lazy, i tried to go back, but i cant handle right now. I finally found a really good self help book, that doc and cpn keep telling me to buy and i cant even fucking afford it.well i could if i didnt eat for like 6 weeks, hows that for irony-pro recovery not!

6.exactly how sick do you need to be before the nhs will help you anyway? Ed services basically told me i had to lose a shit ton of weight to qualify for help, or i can go back to group-but group therapy triggered my breakdown in the summer in the first place, people talking numbers, and self harm, and stuff.and the whole weird competitiveness of it, like its weird, and a massive head mess. One minute they want to admit me, the next in fine and can handle it on my own, then they want to admit me again, and now apparantly im too depressed for ED treatment.i mean for fuck sake, isnt depression and Ed like the fricking point!cos i that where Ed goes depression will surely follow.so all can do is smack head against brick wall in frustartion.might shake it up a bit!

7.i need help.like now.i have all this stuff pounding in my head and im stuck in Ed and si.i want to break this, i want to get better, but i need to talk to someone about this stuff now. my cpn says its not her job, i need therapy. Ed service says im too depressed and have a too high si risk to help me, and its not appropriate. doc tried to refer me to counselling but they wont go near me unless im being seen by someone to deal with Ed/si, as too high risk for them. my doc has run out of people to refer me to.i tried rape crisis, but all they could offer was a group, and i CANT, i need to talk, and i cant do it as a group. so what the fuck do i do now?

8.i really domt know what the point is anymore. all these years ive wondered why mum just lives with ed, and, well, maybe ive just hit on exactly why.

9.being alone sucks.i cant talk to my family, cos basically they all disowned me, either for dropping out of uni and 'ruining my life', for dropping contact when i first realised how fucked up i was with Ed, and questioning my mum, aunt and nan for just accepting this crap. theres only so many times you can tell your friends to leave you alone before they actually fully do. and my closest friends dont need to here about my crap, they have enough of there own.

10. i am a massive big fat mess.and i cant keep up the im fine routine anyomore.cos im not alright and its not ok.

so yeh, well, i dont know what to do anymore.
answers on a postcard please, and if you want a reply, send a SAE, cos i cant afford the postage!

sorry guys.
xxx

argggg hows this for a reply!grrrr

am super fricking pissed off.sorry, excuse my obviously inadept french.

I also emailed a copy of that letter to the Dean at the faculty of vet science, to ensure that he actually got it.
Just got email back.
heres what it says

'I'm sorry to hear that you felt that the university did not offer you enough support.However, if you had approached our support staff, I'm sure we could have helped.
We take aligations of abuse very serioiusly, but we are also obliged to look after all parties interests. As you did not make an official complaint to the police, we must treat this as an unsubstantiated alligation, which could seriously have harmed the person in queations career, and his ability to practice Veterinary Medicine. I would assume that you were asked to leave at that time if you were unable to either stop spreading what was regarded as malicious rumours, or to take appropriate action via the poice, as this would indicate that you could have problems adhering to the 'fitness to practice' guidlines'.
The university has clear guidlines on the support which can be offered to students, and im sure help would have been available to you if you had asked.'

I got pissed off at this point and gave up reading this bull****
er excuse me??but I went to my tutor, the university health centre, the dean of the faculty and the welfare adviser and they all treated me as a LIAR.

i cannot even begin to describe how worthless this response makes me feel.
I dont know why i even bothered. I feel sick.And im starting to think, well maybe it is nothing. They obviously think so, so maybe im just being stupid, everyone knows to watch your drink, get your own etc at parties right?i shouldnt have walked off outside on my own. and yeh, maybe i should have just kept my mouth shut.

Letter...bit of a mistake?

I think I have made a petite mistake.I wrote this yesterday and posted it, and now I think it was a really stupid thing to do. They are just going to think the same things they always did, but I just really feel I need some sort of acknowledgemnet that what happenedwas not ok. When I was in liverpool the other day, i went into the faculty building, and the same old 'we rule the world' atmosphere was still very much present. I already know it happened to someone else in my year, who was too afraid to talk after she saw what happened to me. that kind of elitest attitude is so damaging, and what has such an effect on its victims. I feel ike im being stupid and should just drop it, but maybe some sort of response would allow me to actually move on?

this is what i sent
(and i even put capital letters in it!)

 Dear Sir

After a lot of contemplation, I have decided to write this letter. I was a BVSc first year student at Liverpool University Vet School in 2004, and left mid 2005. I now feel that I need to write this, as the whole situation has been playing on my mind for the last 5 years, and has caused many difficulties for me. During the time I was at Liverpool, I feel I was treated very unfairly, and whilst I am not looking to change the past, I feel that it is appropriate to send this in order that it should not happen to another student.

During fresher’s week, I went to a party, organized by older BVSc students, and had my drink spiked with lsd, and was sexually abused.

As you can imagine, I was pretty much a mess after this, and felt unable to cope with the difficulties of finding my feet in a new city, starting a very demanding course, and feeling safe in general. I became very depressed and struggled with an eating disorder. But what made matters even worse is that I received absolutely no support from the Faculty, and was made to feel that the whole situation was my own fault, and was made out to be a liar. Anyone who has suffered abuse of that kind deserves the chance to ask for help, and to receive it in a safe environment.

I spoke to name removed, who was in charge of student welfare within the faculty at the time, and was told that 'you cannot cry rape because you were drunk and changed your mind'. This is obviously horrifically inappropriate, and made me feel like I could not talk to anyone and ask for help to deal with how I was feeling. I had to deal with the person who did this to me sitting behind me in lectures, taunting me, following me around campus and halls, making my life hell, because I had tried to speak up. The Vet Schools response was to threaten to throw me out unless I stopped talking about it. I do not understand how anyone could imagine that this was the right thing to do. I was made to feel worthless, and that I was making a fuss of nothing. Well, Sexual abuse is not nothing, and I became very ill as a result, eventually leaving the course after attempting suicide. I was bullied everyday by this person, and his friends, my life was made an intolerable hell. Everywhere I turned to try and seek support I was told I was a liar, and to 'get over it'. I even had the Hospital notes sent to me to prove my drink was spiked. Because I was in such a state, I was unable to explain to doctor at hospital the extent of what had happened, and by the time I managed to talk about it with the doctor; I had showered and changed, so there was not enough biological evidence. I went to the police after a couple of weeks, but with no support I was too frightened to take it further, which I'm sure you can understand. So this might all seem very insignificant but it has completely changed my life. I was Ill with depression, still am, and have struggled badly to recover from an eating disorder and to rebuild my confidence.

I tried numerous times to try and sort this out, talk to people-in confidence, contrary to belief I was NOT gossiping about what had happened-why would I, and I was constantly reminded of it from the bullying of my fellow students. In fact, all the gossip and rumors came from someone else entirely, and again I was warned about talking about what had happened. So not only did the faculty fail to provide me with any sort of help or support for a very serious problem, they also labeled me a liar at every opportunity.

Five years on and I finally felt able to return to University Halls to collect the belongings that I had left behind, that the warden had kindly stored for me, after I explained what had happened-I went straight home from hospital. It got me thinking that I needed to try one more time to talk to somebody about this-to point out the horrible inappropriate way I was treated, the bullying amongst students, and above all, with the hope that someone might take notice of this and prevent this from happening again.

I cannot begin to describe the effect that this has had on my life. Had someone just taken the time to listen, instead of just dismissing me, then maybe I could have completed the course and had the career I wanted since childhood.

Please take notice of this. I am now ready to talk to the police again about what happened, and see where I stand now. I have recently been contacted by another student from my year, who told me the same thing happened to her, same person, and she was too scared to talk about it because of the way I was treated and bullied by the rest of my year group. It is awful that someone had to live with that for all this time, having the fear of talking reinforced by the treatment of staff within the Faculty.

I would like to reiterate that I am not writing this for attention, or to cause trouble, as I was accused of in the past, I would just appreciate some sort of acknowledgement that the way I was treated was unacceptable.

A response to this letter would therefore be greatly appreciated.

Kind Regards

Vicki Baker

my special dude:)

Meet Sam!
I was looking through my boxes and boxes of stuff from liverpool today and i found a cd of old pony photos:) I thought id lost them, and for years ive been really upset about it, as i dont have sam anymore, i had to sell him for various reasons when i got back from liverpool, as didnt want to compete anymore, and needed to get out of sponsorship deal.but found him ultra special home, where he is absolutely adored.
Sam was my best friend and partner in crime all rolled in to one!he knew all my secrets and always looked after me, he's the worlds biggest wuss, scared of his own shadow, but when he learnt to trust me, there was nothing this pony couldnt do! I really miss him. I got him when I was 11 and he was the biggest fruitloop you can imagine, proper little handful, but he is amazing!this photo is of him at home in the yard we rented.

 

Sam having a little yawn!

  

Think i was about 14 in this pic, having cuddles:)

 

This is our dog Tazz, he lives in spain with mum now, and spends his life sunbathing, is vv lazy dog!

 

This is Riley, my little battlehorse i used to call him! Had him alongside sam when i was 13-14ish for a year and a bit, did lots of jumping with him, proper little hooligan, but hes a sweetie when noones looking and doesnt need to keep up gangster image!

Think we'd just come back from Ireland selection trials here, handsome little man!

surrounded

im sorry for all the detail in my last post, i thought about deleting it, but then thought it wouldnt be true to me, and the whole reason i started my blog was to talk about how i felt.

I wouldnt be in awe of me, athough it was so nice of you to say.i feel like all i ever to is mess things up, upset the balance.

i cannot belive they stored my things for 5years. walked onto the halls and went to talk to the warden to apologise for leaving all my stuff there, and say sorry for all the time they must have spent getting rid of it.Instaed turns out they kept everylast bit of it in storage room, thinking that i would come back when i felt ready i guess. 5 years!crazy.
now i am surrounded by fragments of my past.I found a box of Cd's-phitos of my ponies, which is great. i found diary from then, and i cant stop myself from reading it.Notes from the guyt that hurt me, telling me toshut the hell up talking about it. A letter from the police about court case.o it turns out this happened to 2 other girls accept they were too scared to speak up after they saw what happeed to me.

feel more lost than ever.they went to police- so did i actully but not enough evidence, and now kkwp asking meto be witness with her.

i wish alll this stuff would have just styd where it was!

 xxx

Liverpool

Its a bit of a long story, but i ended up in Liverpool the other day.chasing my past.good idea?well, im not sure. i went to wales with a friendfor a Uni open day-cos I thought it would be good distraction, we got major league lost on way home, wrong motorway, and bang-hello liverpool.
so i was thinking it would be a good idea, cos in my head, theres so much horribleness associated with the place, and well, i guess i thought it might take some of the taboo away, make it seem smaller.So i went around campus, and felt like i was chasing this ghost of me, where i lost me.i dont know, it helped and it didnt.i saw the road it happened on, the place where i went to that party, and the campus where my life was made hell. funnily enough, it doesnt make you very popular when you say that uni golden boy spiked you with lsd and then abused you.left you pregnant, accept you didnt know cos ED had taken over your life, and took all the signs away. and i was so naive and stupid anyway. and i thought this guy actually liked me when he came over and spoke to me at the party.i felt like maybe things could be different, and i felt so confident for a minte.well that all came crashing down.
I went back to the halls, the place i tried to OD when i coulnt take anymore and found that they had stored all the stuff i left there-i went home in a hurry, pretty much straight from hosp.
and now i have bags and boxes of my life back then.photos, diaries, letters.books and clothes and things i forgot existed.

il try and catch up on blogs later
xxx

Lost along the way part 1

Firstly, thankyou everyone for being so supportive, i really appreciate it and it makes me feel kinda special, knowing that people understand and care as well, so thankyou, really.Your all great:)

Sooo apologies in advance, cos this is going to be a bit of a long un, and i think im going to write it over a few days. I saw my cpn the other day, and she asked me what I felt that i had lost, from finding support in eD all those years ago-like physical stuff, opportunities, friends, that kind of thing. Anyway I got really upset-because the first thing tht springs to mind, like above anything else, is all the people I have cut out of my life, while ive been too busy listening to Ed ways of doing things, and playing by that rulebook.

I used to find it easy to make friends...im shy, but im a good listener, and people like that.when i was younger we moved lots, so i had friends all over the place, bit my main best friends i knew from riding, pony club and things. Now i can count on the fingers of one hand the people i trust enough, and keep in contact regulary with...and i dont think its quantity that atters, not a all...i love the friends that i have to bits, and id do anything for my girls, i love them, but i feel so sad thinking about the people that were special to me that i lost contact with. And my Cpn suggested that i thing all the situations through, and think how it was that Ed wanted me to distance from them and why, and wether i should still feel guilty for it, or wether maybe i wanted to write and explain, so i felt that id done something about it for me, and not Ed. Does that make sense?it made a lot more sense when she explained it to me.

i thought about all this and i felt so nasty, and like such a horrid person...my freinds have always been like my family to me, and it hurts me that i let people just slip by, and pushed them away when they wanted to help. I hope that they can understand, but i dont expect them too, i dont even reaal yexpect them to give me the time of day, not like i did when i was too scared to answer their phonecalls and just wanted to hide from everything and everyone when i got back form liverpool.


Holly, Jo and Rachael


These were 2 lovely girls that i used to work with, the year before i went to Liverpool, when i worked in a supermarket whilst juggling my A levels and a million other things.
Holly was fab, wanted to teach me how to live! i was such a loser, my social life consisted of the horses, and she adopted me and took me out shopping, pierced the top of my ear and taught e the wonders og GHDs!we used to go out, and she was just this girl that i looked up to, and i remeber wanting to ve just like her!
Ed didnt like Holly, didnt like how we used to go out and have fun and drink and socialise, aand it felt like i was pulling away too much. I listened to Ed for a while, and holly asked lots if i was ok, if anything was wrong, that i didnt look well. Holly caught me purging after i ate at work, and asked me if i needed to talk, if anything was really wrong.Ed told me to tell holly to sod off and leave me alone and i did.
I apologised a few eeks later, but i was too stuck in Ed to see anything
clearly for a few months, and when i pulled my head back on, Holly wasnt about anymore.well, she called and texted, but i was soo rubbish at keeping in touch, that eventually she stopped. Holly im so sorry.


Rachael and Jo also worked here, and we used to all mess about and skive about together, especially when me and Jo used to work on the deli counter together!I didnt sdee them as much out of work as Holly, but i lost contacy in the same way. I came back form uni during half term and went to see them , but it was so scary and different i couldnt deal, didnt feel like we fitted together anymore, and holly had told them she was worried about me, and it was just awkward and uncomfortable, and im very ashamed that i just stopped staying in touch with them , out of shame and embarressment.


This is really bloody difficult, so i shall do it a bit at a time, and see if it helps. i guss to feel better you have to accept thing, figure out if they can be fixed or left to me, and then move on, and i dont think im really good at the moving on bit.so maybe this will help.


xxx

thoughts at the moment

are a bit messy. Just spoken to the crisis team, who are really great, and im feeling a bit more sorted now, but i dont really know what to do with myself-all i want to do is sleep, but sleep leads to bad times and gah.
im fed up of miserable ol me.and the bloody lonliness of it all!
before i big time 'lost the plot' so to speak, i used to do loads of things...i used to work, for a start, and not working is a major thing for me right now-but i also know that i wouldnt be winning any employee of the months awards right now...
I used to ride and play with my ponies, and get up to no good with my girls
i used to go for adventures with my best gal
and go surfing and roadtripping with my other gal
SHOCK HORROR but i think i used to also have a social life-althought to be fair, it did mostly involve going out and drinking a lot of kahlua to forget about my problems and alittle while
and sew and knit and cover everything with bows!

ok so i still do the sreative stuff, but it feels like everything lse went away all at once in one big hit, when i strted torying to fight ED.And now i feel scare dand overwhelmed by doing anything else anyway.
whats happened to me.I feel like im stuck in this limbo phase, between life and ED. I know that one day it will be ok, and one day i will be closer to where i want to be, i know that for sure...its just this long draggy never ending trying to cope days now that are wearing me down,All part of a process though!
And worth it to know that one day i will feel happier with myself, and happier with what im doing with my life

Just seriously though-it wont feel like this forever will it?like im playing that game you played at school when you were a kid - 'stuck in the mud'?

xxx

haha outrage!

hahaha my friend just emailed me something shes seen in a magazine, saying that 'bows are tacky and hideous and make people look like they have been wrapped like presesnts!'

tacky?

TACKY!!hahahahaha

lol
xxx

The many shapes of me

I've been thinking a bit this morning, actually, edit that, i've been thinking a lot this morning.
And I've gad some lovely emails (thanks guys)that have really got the hamster running on his wheel...its got a bit stiff recently...anyways...

Its ok to be upset and its ok to talk about it.I dont think i have ever really truly accepted that before, and pretending your ok gets you nowhere anyhow. So its alright that i feel low, and its ok that i got upset, because thats how i am coping at the moment. i guess you can only ever do what you can at the time, and why beat yourself up. I can be warrier Vic when i need to roar, and i can be brainy vic when i need to (finally)finish my flipping assignment later, and i can be sensible vic when it comes to following my mealplan.No one ever said that i have to be the same all the time, equally, NOBODY is happy, like ALL the time. My friends used to call me little miss sunshine, but just cos thats how they saw me, doesnt mean that has to be me. And its funny-cos i fully believe that trips and falls are enevitable during recovery, but its how you deal with it, ick yourself up, give ED a big fat slap and carry on that counts...not what the actual slip was...so i really need to apply this to myself.

ok, so I feel like im struggling.So i'l make sure i try my best to stick to my mealplan. Cos that will help. I got upset yesterday when everything got too much-well, who hasnt done that at some point. And i got lost and let SI win for a few days...doesnt mean it will always be that day, doesnt mean i cant start to fight it RIGHT NOW and noone said that you had to wait til tomorow to give yourself a new chance.

Bout time i started following my own advice!
its ok to be me, and its ok that there are lots of different parts of me.sorry i keep banging on about this, its just that i got stuck for a very long time thinking that people stayed the same forever, yknow, and people just dealt, and that they didnt have to adjust-they just could.i though i was lying to muself and playing parts, by acting in different ways, but turns out, its still al me.who the hell knew! Ive spent soo long running away from myself i wouldnt know me if it came up behind me and stole my bow!

thankyou everyone for you lovely support over the last few days, it ment a lot to me.

xxxx

I can be any of these at any given time of the day!haha

erm...help?

so you know things are going well when you find yourself having a nervous breakdown in a supermarket carpark...heaving sobbing, couldnt speak was horrible and i felt like i was losing it.just want to curl up in a ball and be invisible.So much has been happening lately and i guess its all just mounted up into this. i feellike a massive helpless wreck, ED keeps telling me im hideously fat and i cant eat, but i want to get better,but Ed feels stronger and i dont even know how to explain it.I want to hurt myself so bad but i dont think i can deal with the feelings of absolute self loathing afterwards yet again.arg.

When im going to hit a major depressive episode, theres all this signs that creep up on me.sleep becomes my main past time, which is a bit of a issue when sleep ends in flashbacks and panic attacks. My jaw and face aches-weird i know, i dont get it,i just notice that it always happens, and i get the worst headaches that dont go away.then i dont relise this all anymore, all of a sudded, cos im back in my hole of gloom.yay. so i try and figh and prevent this from happening, but it also ,akes me panic, thinking its going t happen, and that in itself probably sets me up for it.

sorry for yet another moan.I feel rubbish, but also dont want to pretend that im ok, cos it really doesnt do me anygood.
xxx

Crash.bang.wallop.back to the start.

I thought i was doing so well, i thought i was beginning to see the pieces of me and how to put them back together again. I thought it could maybe be ok. Why cant i get any space from ED, i feel like its got its hands around my neck and I cant breathe. Why cant i Just stop doing this.

sorry.

Last night I had today planned put and it was going to be sweeeet. A real me day.
So when i woke up this morning-sfter i had some really horrible flashbacky dreams-always that bloody smithdown road-i just had the most horrendous urge to hurt myself, like worse than ever before. I guess theres only so long you can put a brave face on your stress-but actually i thought i was dealing, and i loved how positive i was starting to feel. But now I feel ive been trampled over by ED. why am i such an idiot? i tried so hard to fight it, and i felt trapped in all these bad memories, and it was the only was to make it go away. So i didnt spend the morning in town looking at fabric, buttons and bows.I spent it in A and E getting stitches.

Go me.or not.

i hope this isnt triggering, and im sorry.

Grammer games

The importance of grammer!
ok im not about to go all preachy on you, if you've read any of my blog you will have noticed that A) I cant spell, B) I never check for typo's before i hit the 'publish' button, C) Capital letters just slow me down! and D) I tend to forget to use full stops andthismeansthatiwritetheworldslongestsentencesthatmakenosensesometimes!

But has anyone noticed how powerful the difference between saying 'I'm Vicki and im Bulimic', or 'Im Vicki and I have Bulimia'.

Cos saying it the first way-well it implies that Ed has ownership of you, and that you are in fact, your ED, which as we know, Isnt bloody well true.

So saying I have, or a suffer with seems like a much more inspiring and acurrate way of puttingit, dont you think, like its something I have and Im dealing with, but its not all I am.

I tried explaining this to a therapist once, and i just got a blank look, so if this makes no sense and reads like silly Vic jibberish please feel free to tell me exactly that:p

I used to try and draw how much of me was Me and how much of me was ED.and on days 'I was Bulimic', rather than 'suffered with ED', the me part was a lot bloody smaller!

BITE ME ED!

 

COS IM ON TO YOU!!!

 

I'm a lion, hear me roar!

 

 

ED's a twisted sneaky little bugger! It makes you measure your self worth in terms of what you weigh. I uses to have good or bad days just based on what I weighed, and what Ed deemed acceptable. I used to look in the morror and see ED looking back at me, empty eyes, blank expression,pale skin and puffy cheeks, and now well thatsa  changing!

Everyday that I manage to keep fighting I get a tiny little more of a glimpse of ME. And I think I might get to like me, well, the bits that are there so far, well they seem pretty damn cool!haha im joking, but seriously, how do you see yourself? I guess this follows on from my last post quite nicely really. I see myself as lots of different versions of me, and each of them helps me at the time i need them most. I can be Vicki the warrier when I need to FIGHT!I can be silly Vic when im having FUN.I can be super duper cool Vic when I need to feel confident.I can be loser Vic.I can be Vic with her head screwed on when i need to be brainy(that doesnt happen much!). 

There are lots of different shapes of me and they are all valid. They are all worth something, even on the days I feel they arnt.I feel lost inside myself a lot, like i need to chip away at the layers.

Truth is I just need to accept all the parts that make up me, and fight to fill the space that Ed claimed with more of me.

Im not very good at taking compliments, but im going to write this one down, beause it might sound silly but it means a lot, and i got it at just the right time today when I felt like I was slipping. I got a letter from somebody who is absolutely amazing today, and I'm so lucky that i met her.

'Remember, your Ace, Funny and talented, fabulously brilliant, and above all, your YOU'.'

What Im trying to say in my usual bumbling way, is that you have to believe in yourself. I let myself beleive what she said for a minute and i could ROAR. now thats recovery feels like for me.

All that really matters is how you see yourself:)

How to untie knots

 

When I was little I was always pretending to be somebody else. I used to imagine all this little stories in my head and get lost in them, until I couldn't tell what was real anymore. My grandad used to laugh and call me 'dolly daydream' cos I was always off in my own little world.

I used to play all sorts of petend imaginary games, fairies, Witches, that sort of thing. Until I got my own ponies most of my games revolved around just imagining i was a 'girl with a pony'-id tie a skipping rope tpo a chair and pretend that i was holding reins. I played with Dolls for hours, and had hundreds of different stories I would play out with them. I had a collection of toy horses, and they used to go off treaking in the garden with me, puddles were lakes, the garden hoze was a massive hedge to be jumped. I never played games as me, but i guess when your little and left to it alot, then its natural to imagine lots of things.

when I was in bed, I used to carry on all these stories in my head, and I was always writing them down as well. I guess as I got older I grew out of the witches and fairies (although I do have to admit this isnt entirely true!) but I never did grow out of wanting to be someone else. It was a whole lot easier to stay in my head when I was a child. I didnt want to deal with the chaos around me, so I didnt-I just pretended to be someone else. If people asked why my mum never picked me up from school, or never came to school plays, id say that she was off doing something fabulous, or working, or anything really-anything but admit that mun was either in hospital or to scared to leave the house. Im not ashamed of my mum, shes sick, but i didnt understand then, and i didnt want to be different. I used to pretend to be anyone but me, make up all these scenarios in my head, anything to avoid what was actually happening. At the age of 12 I hated my life, and by the age of 15 i was so up to my neck in an eating disorder that i didnt know who i was anymore.

Maybe thats why I lost myself-because I never really let me be ME. So it was easy for ED to move in to the vacant space. See now im thinking if id just been me when i was younger-well i mightnt have ended up riding at such a high level it made me sick with unhappiness. I would have remembered moreof what was ahppening, and noticed it to start with. And if i wasnt to busy pretending to be someone a whole lot tougher than i actually am, then  maybe i could have asked for help, or maybe someone would have seen that I needed it.

Im not too sure where Im going with this. I feel lost, like I dont know who I am-and maybe thats because ive always been too bust trying to change it. I guess I was always trying to be the daughter my mother wanted, and you know what, I still dont know what that is.

Slowly Im figuring things out bit by bit. But now I cant pretend to anyone but me, because ME is what I am, and thats the way it SHOULD be.sure you can change, you can change behaviours, you can stop hurting yourself, but you cant change the fundamental things that make you YOU, and if you try-well you just get tied up im knots...which is maybe what im trying to unravel now.

xxx

Viva La Soviet!

 

I've got a thing about Russia. I love the traditions, and the beautiful buildings and the Russian Ballet, and Russian hisory is really interesting. I also really love Russian dolls!

A couple of years back me and my best girl used to work in this oddball little shop that sold speciality teas, coffee beans and particulary ugly and expensive ceramics. If your from the UK, yes it is 'THAT tea and coffee emporium' the one that nearly went bust.

So there we were, not doing an awful lot one day-nothing special there, shop had grand total of 3 customers everyday, and my friend just started talking in this really good russian accent. She did that a lot, just adopted an accent for the day, and it has me in creases. And there started out love for Russia!

So there we were, her talking jibberish and this customer walks in and hears her doing her (very convincing) Russian thing-bless her goes bright red, and wasnt sure weather to just talk normally or keep pretending, so she looks at me and says 'Vickyezs, i for go upstairs now' and legged it up to the stock room, wher i can hear her howling with laughter. Me, on the other hand is desperately trying to keep a straight face, and tell this man that she is on an exchange trip to improve her English! Troube was, that he was quite a regular so after that, she just mumbled in his presence! 

Haha we were awful in that shop, known as 'those girls that only ever play Kings Of Leon in the shop' except when we were playing teach yourself Russian cd's and telling all customers radio tuner was jamed. Thems were the days. Not surprisingly, neither of us work there any more- i decided to have a nervous breakdown instead and she went to uni :p

Was so much fun though!In those days we used to tie the gift wrap ribbon into little bows and stick them all over me!

I was thinking about this the other day, as i was messing about looking for the old series of 'skins' online, and i came across this website, with quotes soppsedly written by the characters, that kind of thing...

 

"I always wished I could be a Russian Doll. A red one. With a big pair of bright blue eyes and painted on eyelashes and pink rosy cheeks. Really rosy. And my mouth would be painted on red like a bow. I’d have a flower on my chest - a rose - and two small little hands by my side. And then I could be un wrapped, two, three, four times until I was small. Really small"

'Cassie', Skins.

ok so i know its a TV programme, but it kind of struck a chord with me-this isnt why i like them, i just think they are proper cute.
But my mum collected them, and always used to take them apart.I saw her stairing at the smallest one of a set for hours once. Maybe she wanted to unwrap the layers of herself to get to the real pieces of her?maybe she thought that was all she was. Or maybe her anorexia just wanted her to be smaller. Sorry, im just thinking out loud, dont mind me.


xxx

my life in bows!

Ok, so maybe my name gives it a way a little-but I LOVE BOWS! everyone has their quirks and i think this is most definately mine! Never underestimate how happy a bow can make me!

So i was sitting at home this eve and feeling a little upset, and was fiddling around in my sewing box, and just started looking at all my odd bits of ribbon and started making bows, and sewing random buttons into the centre of them, think i might sew them onto a tshirt or my bag or something, but it was making me feel better, so hey, whay can you do! My friend sent me the most amazing cute little hairclips in the post today-red and white bows, totally loving the nautical thing at the moment! Anyways she called me this evening and knew i was feeling a bit blue, and was trying to make me giggle, and we were laughing about this party we went to when i wore the most ridiculous bow ever in my hair, and she was like - Vic, haha you can totally tell your life story in relation to what bow you were wearing at the time!which is daft, but also totally true!

Theres a picture of me when i am one with a tuft of hair, with a pink ribbon tied in it. When i was five and started school i had red bows tied at the end of my plaits:)
When i was nine, and mum was in hospital for christmas, my grandad pulled me onto his lap and tied ribbon from a present around my wrist in a bow, and i fell asleep snuggled up with him.My grandad was my favourite person in the world and made me feel safe and like he could protect me from anything. When i was about 3 he started sitting me up on muffin, the little pony he kept (hed had for years, rescued from a gypsy camp when hed been abandoned) and took me for long walks all over the place telling me stories. When i was 12 i remember that i had pink gingham ribbon tied around my wrist and in my hair, just because, and i was sitting on a plastic hospital chair, kicking my feet about, waiting to here what was happening to mum. When my brother came to take me home, he helpd me tie the ribbon around mums wrist. I used to have a whole box full of ribbons, and people always used to save them for me, and nan would sometimes surprise me by buying a lenght of pretty ribbon in the fabric shop and hiding it under my pillow. The whole time i was at high school i had bows tied around my wrist to hide my scars.

For freshers week at liverpool, i found the most amazing dress ever that was just the most bowtastic thing!

A couple of years ago, i was feeling kinda upset and my best friend was straightening my hair (haha she always used to get the ghd's out to cheer me up!)and tied a big pink bow in my hair(thats my profile pic!).

I've got a whole collection of jewellery and hairclips and things with bows on them that people have seen and thought of me:)makes me feel real happy to look through it all, and the thought behind it. Ive still got my ribbon collection and i can remember the story behind nearly all of them:)

must be my trademark or something :p

xxx

Smithdown road

A few years back, I at Liverpool University's Vet school-i think ive probably waffled ona bout this before, but it wasnt what i wanted to do at all-it was this idea i had when i was a kid, then i got good grades, and mum wanted it-and well yknow the score. I wasnt there very long at all, did the first year and then left. This time when i go to uni-its to do what I want:)

Smithdown road is in Liverpool, and is like this never ending quite busy road from the halls-which were about 40minutes from city centre and university, and most students moved out of halls into shared houses along this road.

I did all my 'best' thinking down this road whilst I was in Liverpool.

The end nearset the Halls was quite posh, and then as you got a bit further down it, it got grottier and dodgier-the 'wrong end' of smithdown road is fairly notorios, Pubs with boarded up windows, houses that have been trashed and turned into drug dens, that sort of thing! During Freshers week, we did a pub crawl done smithdown road-because there are about 12 pubs along it! seriously im not disrespecting anything, or where anyone comes from-im not-im just saying what i remember. there was this off license where the cashier had to lock themselves in this little cage to stay safe.

I used to walk down this road to go to ASDA and get my food shop, which was about halfway. I used to be panicking the whole way working out what to buy, what my flatmates ,ight think if they saw it in the fridge, if anyone was with me, would the notice how hard i found it to but food, omg what if i ended up being binge food and there their etc etc

I used to walk down this road after a night out in town with my friends Louise and Ruth, when we spent all our money and couldnt get a cab, giggling and laughing and thinking just for a minute, that i wwas someone else.

I used to run down this road with ED.

Sometimes id walk to uni because after everything went wrong i was to scared to get on then bus with everyone giving me hell, and ED used to spur me on to walk. when i first got to uni, we used to get lost all the time!im so crap at directions anyway, but as long as we found smithdown it was all good! First night we all got told to meet in a pub down this road to meet eachother.

During exam time, me and Louise walked into Uni down here and tested eachother on pharmacology or anatomy or whatever, gave up after 5 mins and started giggling instead!

Its funny how a place can be so central to so many memories, even a random road like this!I think of my time at LIverpool, and its a mush of memories with this place in the background.

I told the truth on that walk. I thought the truth to myself as well.I knew i was getting more ill, Worser than i had even been before when i was younger, and i used to try and stop it, but Ed would be right there with me, whispering in my ear.

I went to a party and got abused on that road. I got dumped in the gutter on that road.

I lost myself and found ED on that road.

And now its time to lose ED.

Oh my gosh i sooo would! hahahaha :)

Letter to myself

I am Vicki and im 25 years old.  from the age of 13 until about a year ago, i thought i WAS my ED and nothing else.Now im learning better, and that there is a big difference between being Ed's slave and suffering with an illness. I know that there is a difference and that Im not my ED, and im getting stronger, and im going to get stronger still. Sometimes i think that i cant do this, but realy i know that i can. I just have to believ that i can and not be afraid to talk and ask for help anymore.

I dont need to weigh my self esteem. At the moment, my bloods are messed up-according to my doctor, i play Russian roulette with my electrolytes and im seriously anaemic.This scares me, and spurs me on in my recovery-i dont want to die, i want to live!and thats a big big change, and im proud of it. My Health isnt so great right now, as i have a few problems resulting form my Ed behaviour. I have an ulcer in my stomach.my cheeks are swollen from purging, amd my throat is raw.I have blood shot eyes and i throw up blood.sometimes my tummy hurts so mch i cannot move. BUT IM GOING TO GET BETTER BECAUSE I WANT THIS CHANCE SO MUCH FOR MYSELF.

I think im hideously fat and ugly, but really that is what ED thinks.I feel scared and lonely and overwhelmed, useless and worthless-but this is BECAUSE OF ED.

I like feeling safe and happy and secure. I like achieving positive things.I like to be the best friend to people i can be, as my friends count as m family-the members that i choose. I like to be indepndent, bt to have people thatcare around me. I'm NOT MATERIALISTIC(big hang up of mine, cos i love clothes and fashion etc) but i like the way clothes can make you fel-like you can play different parts of yourself.I love to create. I love bows!!!I love my ponies, and refuse to let ED take the fun out of it.I dont need to be the best, I need to be happy.I love the sea and to surf!I love my flat, and i lovemy friends so so much.I like to read, and im excited as i am apprehentious about starting uni again in september.I'm super proud i got into Brunel and interview fpr st Georges, as what I have wanted forever.
I dislike feeling lost and out of control and insecure, and i realise now that ED makes me feel all these things, and doesn take them away. I know i have to accept my past, and make my future count-make it what I want it to be.

Im ready and want to work toward getting better now.I know this is what i have to do, however long and difficult, to feel happy with myself, because thats what everyone deserves, and that includes ME even though i dont believ it right now, and often think im a bad person.That can change if i try hard enough and believe.

.I am only responsible for MY recovery.

I feel gulty for writing this, but i am also a bit proud.
I want to be happy and content.I want to have friends and halthy relationships. I want to be a mother. I want to be a fabulous friend:) I want to be a physiotherapist and do trauma work for the NHS. I have dreams and thats ok. Losing weight does not have to be my goal.I can learn to carry my own load, and cpe with it to.I do not need ED to hold me back, make me pay and do it for me. I want to wear great big bows every day and not feel silly and embaressed by myself!

I want to be me.And learn who me really is:)

I can do all of these things, feel all of these things, as long as i stay strong  and positive. I can turn it around, and i can make things better.

Dont forget this,

Lots of love
me xxxxxxxx