TRIGGER WARNING SI an (un)healthy dose of anger

This one is for me cos i have to get this out before i go crazy

TRIGGER WARNING SI

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGG
FUCK THIS!im so effing pissed off! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

i feel like nothing i could do to myself could put a dent in the way im feeling right now, and i dont know why but thats making me even more angry.

im sooo effing pissed off with this shit.id apologise for the swearing, but i cant think of substitute words.when i swear a lot its cos i mean it. AAAAARRRRRGGGGGG

stop patronising me with the effing playdough talk!i have an illness, im NOT BLOODY STUPID!

ive been having a really rough day, and barly been keeping it together. I saw someone from hometreatment team earlier that just couldnt understand why i diodn twant to go to a cafe with them. yeh, i know they want to get me out of the house, and i know they trying to help, but right no, i dont want to effing well sit and eat cake whilst having a cosy little chat about going to court in august and having to see that effing bastard boy who fucked my life up.HOW IS THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND!! all i want to do is to talk about it. im sick of being ashamed to talk. and im sick of people stopping me. why cant i just get some help, seriously?

i just called the out pf hours line.actualy ive called a couple of times tonight.firsdt i got told to bash playdough asbout, go for a walk, have a bath etc etc etc-why do they always want you to not talk about whats wrong?? you cant just distract yourself from life for ever!what is so wrong with needing to let some of this crap out of my head.I hurt inside so bad, and i dont know what to do about it. so i literally cut away at the surface to try and get it out, equalise the hurt, anything.I purge cos i feel horrible inside.

called the second time-and i got told to just 'be good, be brave'

BE FUCKING BRAVE????

NO!i cant do it anymore.i can i fucking well cant.im sick of being brave, im sick of it not mattering and im sick of myself, im sick of this feeling this way and im sick of feeling so fucked up in the head.

I dont want to be brave anymore.Ive dome that my whole effing life. thats all anyone ever says to me, ;be brave vic, mum will be out of hospital soon', 'be brave vic, for mum', 'be brave vic, termination is the right thing to do, be brave think of the baby', 'BE BRAVE VIC AND GO TO EFFING COURT AND GIVE EVIDENCE'-ooh yeh, well funny how its convienient now for me to do that, i seem to remember being told to shut up about it by the fricking university before.BUT NOW, its alright, years later when im all shitted up.WELL THANKYOU VERY MUCH

ARRRRGGGGG EFFING HELL im so angry

i want to cut bad, hurt anything right now.I want to feel proper pain, and now this horrible inside ache that breaks my heart and i cant do anything about. I want it to hurt. why the fuck did they give me a copy of the scan picture anyway?they must have known it woulod haunt me forever. I watched my little baby on the screen, and i didnt beleive it was real.they tried to turn it away so i couldnt see, but how can you not look.i could feel it.he wanted me to hold onto him, and i signed his life away.do you know what its like to give birth, when you know the baby isnt going to be alive?it fucking breaks you apart. SO FUCK OFF TELLING ME TO BE BRAVE, cos all i want to do, is finally have a cry about it.whats so wrong with that?

why wont they ever let me talk?
why do they always tell me not to get upset
its all stuck inside me, and all i want to do is cry, whats wrong with that?

i dont want to be brave anymore

well, at least they're getting some action!

I dont think ive told you about Ray Quinn and John Paul.

They are my goldfish! Ok, so all my pets have had really baad names, well apart from the ponies, who only suffered silly nicknames( jammy sammy dodger, anyone?!), but these two chaps were named for me and one of my best gals most embaressing crushes. Haha she fancies the oddest selection of people. Personally, i cant deal with the baby oil look Ray Qinn has going on, but whatever floats your boat! If you dont know who he is, look here, he did that really annoying 'dancing on ice programme, and possibly several other such shows.

John Paul from hollyoaks is my secret love!haha, this is him! And yes, I know he was gay in hollyoaks, but i dont care!

Anyway, turns out Ray Quinn is a bit of a stud muffin. Because John Paul 'gave birth' to some eggs earlier!
Also turns out that they are both cannibals, because they ate all the babies. Naughty boys! I cant quite look at them in the same way now!

hahahahahahahahahahaha

i've got this stuff on my mind

Actually its been there for a long time. Something the home treatment team careworker said to me struck a chord-which i wont write, because it will take me soo long to explain the context of it, and even then, you'l all think im being a weirdo(or more so than usual!), but anyway, I suddenly found i really wanted to try and say all this stuff in my head, cos its been stuck in here for a long time now.

See, everything seems really pointless right now. I know thats a depression thing, but it doesnt make it any of an issue, if you know what i mean. I cant concentrate on anything-even writing this really, i just drift off into my own little oddball world. Or let all the bad thoughts take over. But, the pointless thing-i cant seem to shift out of it, and get my brain in gear, or focus, cos really, i think the alterative is to die. Its always on my mind. Dont take this the wrong way-this isnt like a suicide note r anything, im just trying to figure out where im coming from. And neither am i trying to trivialise feeling that way, if that makes sense.I dont want to offend-im just thinking. So it goes, like-well, i feel like rubbish, i dont feel able to go out/socialise/do college work/eat/sleep properly etc etc because, theres always the alternative.whats the point if your going to kill yourself anyway?you know when a doc asks if you have any specific plans to do anything like that, or act n suicidal thoughts?well, no i dont have an immeadiate plan, because its ALWAYS been my alternative?does that make any sense? I think i cant move on from things, because thats alwasys the plan b-i cant do it, i dont want to, whats the point, im going to be dead soon anyway. sometimes these thoughts are less, and ebb away, but someties they are overwhelming, like when it all went a bit pearshaped before i went into hosp. I guess i got to the point where i didnt think it was the alternative-it was the necessary. Im not saying im about to do myself in-so please dont think that, im just trying to unmuddle my head. Has anyone else ever felt like that? sometimes that feeling takes over so completely, and sometimes, it just there, a suggestion, faint in the background. is that really cowardly?i guess so. I think ive felt like this for a real long time. Maybe i just need to find the point again-but what is it exactly?i cant really seem to look forward to anything.,maybe thats because i cant imagine anything but being stuck in all this mess of feelings. That feeling is there again now, andi dont know what to do with it.

the careworker dude-who was pretty cool-said he knew what i meant, and that he rekoned a lot of people had felt that way, depressed or not. And that the trick is to MAKE yourself see the point-but how do you do that? I got into St Georges, and I got into Kings college-both my top choices of uni.But that doesnt feel like enough of a point.He told me that when i feel this way, thats when i need to talk to someone-but (and i know theres way too many buts in this already)thats also exactly when i kind of lose the ability to talk about things-it all closes off in my mind. I had fun earlier, I saw my friend, we had a good time.I got home, and 2 hours later im thinking about this.how does that even work? I've been trying unsuccessfully for an hour to phone the out of hours helpline number. but everytime i get through, i hang up, cos the words just wont come out.ARRRG

dyou know what?i think i do my own head in.and please dont tell me to play with the sodding playdough, cos i might cry.

im sorry ive been really rubbish about keeping up with blogs, especially when you are all being so fantastically supportive of me.thankyou, and sorry, for my continued rubbishness at keeping up!

its all still in my head.i dont think writing it s really the same as telling someone.hmn.

xxx

St Georges...RESULT!!!

yay i got into St Georges! seems my mission to London wasnt pointless afterall!

xxx

im not sure i should be laughing at this, but...

I've just had the oddest doctors appointment. I was kinda dreading it, because although i think my gp is fab, he on the other hand, thinks im mad:) Still, i can live with that, becaue it means i can tell him whats really going on, instead of the 'im totally fine routine'.

this is how it normally goes

doc-'hi Vic, feeling totally better now, nothing was ever wrong, your on top of the world, right?'
Me-'yeh totally, this is like, a social visit or something, im like finer than fine.so....can i have some drugs please??!!'
doc-'you can have the crap ones yu cant OD on'
me-'wow, thanks, can i have lots of them??'
doc- 'i could give you a bucket fall and they wouldnt do anything worse than make you a bit sleepy.so NO. So, you've been behaving then...had some interesting letters from a and e etc etc etc .erm, ive run out of people to refer you too.
vic-'yeh i know.i would never do anything like that, they must have the wrong person.can i have some real drugs?'
Doc-'no you bloody cant, id lose my license!!!'

he knows how much im lying, but he also gets that i cant talk about it unless we can do it in a jokey kinda way. Anyway, having successfully managed to avoid seeing him for a few weeks, i rocked up today expecting to get read the riot act about vast numbers of stitches in tummy, OD'ing and fun little inpatient trips.

Doc 'well, your getting a little inventive these days arnt you!'

i dunno why but he made me laugh so much i couldnt breathe, must have been nervous hysterics or something cos 2 seconds later i was sobbing, and he was dead sweet, and said, maybe, i should have still been in hospital, and hes not entirely sure which lunatic discharged me, since hes been trying to get me in there for so long!hows that for reasuuring!

I told him that playdough, was apparantly the answer to all my problems, he laughed and asked me how long that had lasted!apparntly, i dont look like the 'playdough type', whatever that is.

so i just got home, and im waiting for my visit from home treatment team.who, if my doc has his way, are going to take me back to hospital.probably not a bad thing.hmn.

so i dont know why this is funny.it just kinda is.

had to go and visit my favourite people at the jobcentre this morning-idiots had revoked my claim AGAIN whilst i was in hospital.sheesh they dont like to make things stress free. but in my semi hysterical laughter/sobbing state im even finding this funny.Apparantly i dont exist on their system...which is pretty funny when you think how big my file must be, considering all the complaints and phonecalls ive made over the last couple of months!but all i got was 'sorry Miss Baker, you dont seem to exist on our records'-really??cos im pretty sure i spoke to you last week!


xxx

confessions from under my duvet

i cant sleep. i woke up at 3am spinning out from flashbacks and have been getting more and more anxious since.

i just want to curl up and die

all my words are stuck insideagain.there was soo much i was going to say but caant.

sorry for my previous self indulgent post...

and, actually i think your all pretty brilliant!

sairs-tell ziggy, unfortunately JP will have to do with chemicals for a while, until jobcentre sort it out hahaha noooo, vic just needs to stop spending all the money on bills and redirect it to the alcohol aisle in tesco-sorry that was jp!

and i have soo much love for the hardly boys jess!

i just chucked the playdough out of my window. I think it knocked the garden gnome out.ooops.

inferiority complex

well, i'm not sure if its a complex..I've spent today drifting about aimlessly, unable to settle to anything, and feeling very unsure as to why. I've been sitting on this feeling all day, trying to work out what it is. I feel itchy inside, and sick of myself.which is a bit of a problem when you think about it.

i think i just hit on it.

I feel inferior to pretty much everything.
-my friends. who are all cooler, smarter, prettier, funnier, generally far superior people. Proved by the fact that a couple of people who i thought were really good friends have comletely diched me when i finaly managed to explain what was going on, and that i was in hospital.

-Im inferior to Ed. im not good enough.i mean, look, im nothing but mediocre in ed's eyes-i never lost enough weight, and now it can laugh in my face about how much i suck at getting better.

-the other patients in hospital. who were actually ill, and hadnt just slashed themselves up a bit. I felt like a waste of space in there.

-to my mum. I cant really explain why.she pisses me off more than i could ever describe, but i still feel this inqadequacy.

-to everyone really. i read everyones blogs, and i think how fantastically people cope with things, and how theyve held it together, and how they are moving forward and dealing. I wish i could be more like that. Instead, i just write the same old lines. i know its all relative.and im not looking for comments,.its just the way im feeling.Ifeel so in awe of people.like i was soo scared to comment when i first started blogging, thinking why would people want to know what i think. I dont even want to know what i think!! and i feel so happy when people send me messages ad support me.but i dont feel like i deserve it.

-to the brilliant people who work for the home treatment team.i think ive writtenabout them before.basically, they are like the mental health crack team-they decide who goes in/leaves hospital and support you before and after.they are like an alternative to hosp. and some of the people that work there continuously amaze me. i dont feel worthyof there time.

-to my best friend, cos im not really sure why she bothers with me.

this may, or may not have something to do wuth the fact that people keep telling me to play with playdough.

following my previous post....

i am forced to conceed that there are actually few things as satisfying as bashing the crap out of a lump of playdough. Particulary if you first shape it into the letters 'NHS'.

playdough

Great.

Being in hospital has made me think playdough is the answer to my problems. 13 years of Ed, 7 years of Depression, broken bones and scars later , and a mental health file thicker than the yellow pages-and all i needed to do was buy some playdough.

Apparantly, if i stab the playdough instead of myself il feel the same sense of relief, without 'harm'. And it when i feel depressed i can 'make my feelings' (incidently-does anyone know how you make 'pissed off'?) and i can use it to distract myself by making amusing models after i have eaten.

GENIUS.genius. now why didnt i think of that???

However, on the plus side, hospital did make me realise how much i want to have nothing to do with the NHS Mental Health Service's, a real inspiration to get better when you consider how much fun that little inpatient stay was. Ok, it did stop my from doing god knows what, so yeh, it helped.but really, all it did was turf up all my thoughts, feelings amd problems, and then ditch me again as soon as it looked like something was going to be done to help. I got discharged to the home treatment(crisis) team today, and its basically made me realise how null and void (ie shit) i let my life become. I mean its a wakeup call when all thats in your diary is appointmenrs with gps, and times for meetings with home treatment.Im supposed to have a list of cab/pub/club/takeaway numbers in my diary.instead, i have the samaritans, rape crisis, post abortion help etc etc etc

im 25!i should be doing things. I could go to a party tomight at my friends, but instead, its a night in with me.and dont forget the playdough.

so basically-heres how its going to be. Im going to get better, and im going to IGNORE all the horrible suicidal thoughts, and the self harm urges as best as i possibly can, i going to try my hardest ever to eat and stick to a mealplan, and im going to kick ED in its face, because i am not going to spend the rest of my life having appointments with people that go and tell me to buy playdough to express myself with!how about you listen to my voice express myself instead???

and do you know the really piss annoying thing about this is.?i just made a moomin with the playdough.

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG

why the heck am i so angry about this?think its time to calm down and play with the sodding playdough

xxx

you know you've been on a psyc ward when...

you realise just how hairy your legs are!!!
you wake up and forget you dont need to ask to go to the loo/get a drink
and you can open your window more than a millimetre!!

im off to de-hair myself!!

xxx

home

i just got home this eve, discharged due to a bed shortage lol
was supposed to be seeing dietician tomorow but now im home:) i feel a bit wobbly just being back, but hopefully itl be ok.
I dont reallyknow how i feel

i just wanted to say thankyou for all your amazing comments they ment ever such a lot when i read them just know:)
and thanks for emails, i love you all lots and will reply tomorow:)

thankyou, you guys rock

xxxxxxx

im scared

im scared im so scared about hospital

hospital

Just to let you know so you dont worry

im being admitted to hospital for a little while.i've just been refered yto our psyc ward.
scared shitless

i dont know what to say
just wanted to let you know so you didnt worry about me not being about online

love to you all, your all brilliant

love vics xxxxxxxxxxxx

ps-jess-i want to read the rest of the hardly boys!!
xxxxx

Rest In Peace Pete

I just found out a good friend of mine died yesterday

Rest in peace Pete, you are going to be dearly missed by a lot of people

your one amazing talented dude

I love you.make sure you go ruffle MJ's hair now, i know you want to. Im playing it for you now

Im so sorry Noone realised how bad you felt. Im so sorry pete.Im really sorry.

I love you

all my love vic xxxx

Rest In Peace Pete

I just found out a good friend of mine died yesterday

Rest in peace Pete, you are going to be dearly missed by a lot of people

your one amazing talented dude

I love you.make sure you go ruffle MJ's hair now, i know you want to. Im playing it for you now

Im so sorry Noone realised how bad you felt. Im so sorry pete.Im really sorry.

I love you

all my love vic xxxx

Rest In Peace Pete

I just found out a good friend of mine died yesterday

Rest in peace Pete, you are going to be dearly missed by a lot of people

your one amazing talented dude

I love you.make sure you go ruffle MJ's hair now, i know you want to. Im playing it for you now

Im so sorry Noone realised how bad you felt. Im so sorry pete.Im really sorry.

I love you

all my love vic xxxx

Rest In Peace Pete

I just found out a good friend of mine died yesterday

Rest in peace Pete, you are going to be dearly missed by a lot of people

your one amazing talented dude

I love you.make sure you go ruffle MJ's hair now, i know you want to. Im playing it for you now

Im so sorry Noone realised how bad you felt. Im so sorry pete.Im really sorry.

I love you

all my love vic xxxx

Rest In Peace Pete

I just found out a good friend of mine died yesterday

Rest in peace Pete, you are going to be dearly missed by a lot of people

your one amazing talented dude

I love you.make sure you go ruffle MJ's hair now, i know you want to. Im playing it for you now

Im so sorry Noone realised how bad you felt. Im so sorry pete.Im really sorry.

I love you

all my love vic xxxx

Rest In Peace Pete

I just found out a good friend of mine died yesterday

Rest in peace Pete, you are going to be dearly missed by a lot of people

your one amazing talented dude

I love you.make sure you go ruffle MJ's hair now, i know you want to. Im playing it for you now

Im so sorry Noone realised how bad you felt. Im so sorry pete.Im really sorry.

I love you

all my love vic xxxx

Rest In Peace Pete

I just found out a good friend of mine died yesterday

Rest in peace Pete, you are going to be dearly missed by a lot of people

your one amazing talented dude

I love you.make sure you go ruffle MJ's hair now, i know you want to. Im playing it for you now

Im so sorry Noone realised how bad you felt. Im so sorry pete.Im really sorry.

I love you

all my love vic xxxx

TRIGGER WARNING-si issues 2

FUCK IT!

i managed to get past it, i thought it was ok.so why did it suddenly pop back into my head? and now its there even more.

FUCK IT i swear im such a lash-up. its doing my head in.SI gets more intese than Ed

'go on vic, you'l feel so much better, go on, its ok, trust me, do it.you need to do it. itsthe only way you will ever feel better. you like the relief, but thats just a bonus.you deserve to hurt. you desreve the shame. go on vic, do it, do it now...'

ARG

this is how i rock my socks, this is how i rock my socks this is how i rock my socks this is how i rock my socks(see previous post) this is how i rock my socks

fuck it.oh just FUCK OFF SI

pardon moi francais tonight.

xxx

This is how i rock my socks:)

I am fantabulous
I am a great friend
I deserve to be liked and loved
I deserve to be happy
I deserve recovery
I deserve to enjoy life
I am funny and cute:)
I am intelligent
I deserve to be happy
I am a supportive friend
I am compassionate
I am going to do everything that i want with my life
I am fun
I am generous
I LOVE BOWS!hahaha

xxx

TRIGGER WARNING-si issues

Oh fuck(pardon moi francais)

i feel like i want to do it again

and it will only be ok if its worse

no no NOO

fuck

i dont want to.but i do.i want it to be different.it wont chnge how i feel.but it might help.FUCK

i hate myself so completely right now.i dont even know why im posting about this.im sorry

arg

xxx

TRIGGER WARNING what i should have said but didnt

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SI

so, i'm not gonna lie, ive had better days.
48 stitches, a perforated abdominal cavity, a slashed blood vessel and an air aspiration later i've realised self injury really isnt going to get e any where new. Actually, brilliant Jessie said that to me, and it's so true. was like a lightbulb going off in my head.

I didnt write that description to freak people out, of for attention or anything. Ive gpt this thing, wher i just shrug off the consequeces of si as nothing, no matter how bad they actually are, and its like a reality check to me there. Face up to it. Its there in black and white. I want to write about this, but dont want to trigger anyone so please stop reading and dont think you have to read just to be supportive cos i dont want to hurt anyone.

It was a baaad day.I'd managed to put off doing anything to myself for most of the day, and kind of just felt detatched from everything. I think I kind of snapped and thought, well, one little cut might take this away, just a teeny bit of relief and il stop itl be ok, but next thing i know i've ended up doing something a whole lot worse, i mean somethings arnt supposed to make a 'popping' noise(ie the orotective lining between your abdomen and your organs). That caused air to get trapped wheich then had to be aspirated-OUCH asnd apparantly, i was beyond close to losing the ability to have children, have bladder control, and erm, like breathe.

was that the ending i wanted?it certainly would have been one. But really?

maybe instead of looking for an ending, i have to look for a beginning,.after all, you cant have the end without the start, and i'm alla bout looking for happy ever after in moominland!

so maybe that means instead of picturing and methodically working through ways to end things...

i have to give myself a new start instead.

cos like jess said, Si is only going to keep bringing you back to exactly the same place.

xxx

How to make a sock monkey:)

ok so a big deviation from the theme, but im really not up to talking about what happened last night just yet, but i still felt like posting.

so...heres how to make a sock monkey like julian paul!

what you need-

pair of super duper cool socks!
2 buttons
thread
scissors
needle
a bit of stuffing
and any adornments you might fancy adding:)

Please excuse the rubbish diagrams, i dont think im very good with paint lol

turn both socks inside out.
Sew a seam that follows the pink lines on the first pic.start 3 inches from the heel and across the top of the sock.
cut the sock between the seems-this makes the body and the legs.leave an opening at the crotch by cutting about an inch and a half between the legs.(it makes more sense when you do it, you can see!)
Turn it in the right way, and use the opening at the craotch to stuff head, body and legs, then sew up!

With the second sock, sew seams where the lines are on the diagram. 1 is the arms, remember to leave one end open to stuff!
2 is the ears, 3 is the tail, and 4 is the mouth.
sew the bottom half of the mouth onto monkeys face, stuff, then sew the top up!give him a smile by sewing him some lips!
Sew the ears, arms and tail onto monkey, then all he needs is some eyes-sew the buttons onto the head, or you could use beads.

It really does make more sense when you are doing it, rather than just reading it!but if its baffling message me and il help you:)

xxx

Endings

i thought writing something might help me feel better, i thought it might help me to make sense of it all.upside down and inside out.thats me.

i dont know what to say anymore. My mum used to always like to define the end of something.had cut off points for everything, the littlest things. Stuff was started and finished.simple.no messy inbetweens.
I just want an end point. Any ending will do.either way. just an end.

I dont know what this is anymore. it started as a story of recvery, and now i think its a story of defeat.sometimes you win, but enevitably you lose too. i guess either ways an end.

media player has started playing u2's 'stuck in a moment'

how appropriate

xxx

seeing the other side

I've had some dodgy moments over the last few days, you might have guessed. I've got this thing where my blog is where i write the truth about how im feeling and whats happening, because for years i kept it all inside. But i understand people mightn't want to read it, and i will never mind. I dont want people to feel they have to.

Last night i thought i'd reached my end point. I was sitting there and id run out of reasons to carry on living. I didnt know what to do with myself, and Ed was soo intense it was unbearable. I couldnt see the good in anything anymore, actually im still struggling, but it is easing now. See I learnt that if i dont admit howi feel, and talk about it, it stays in you and consumes from the inside out, its relentless and its all the more powerfull.

I felt confused and didnt know what was me and what was Ed wanting me to do things. there was this thump thump thump in my head. I wanted to hurt myself so it would be the end, but i was also scared and the little me bit of me that was left was trying to convince myself that it was Ed telling me to end it. So i went to A and E and begged for help. Got sent home, because apparantly if you are 'with it' enough to tell someone that you have suicidal ideation you arnt going to do anything about it. I kinda see there point, but i didnt trust me to fight Ed on my own. I tried to end it another way and failed.

I got an email from Lou Lou asking me if i was ok, because my last post sounded a bit edgy. she started talking to me, spent hours trying to talk me round, convince me i had help and i wasnt alone. She quite literally saved my life.

I'm ashamed of this, and im only writing this because it's silence thats the killer, its silence and not admitting how i feel that could kill me, and i need to be brave and fight.

This is the last email i sent to lou lou, which im posting because it sums up how im feeling now.
which is better. a lot better.

'baby g, i just wanted to say you literally saved my life today. After i stopped talking with you, i sent d an email, and she called me, and she told me she loved me to bits and that she was going to have a think about what we could do. she said that we should make this pact with eachother-becasue shes finding it hard too as well right now, that we are both going to keep trying, for better or worse, and we will get through it. She told me she didnt know what she'd do if i did anything to myself, and i thought about what you had said tome as well, and it means the world to me that i have these  amazing people that care that much to try and help me. what you were saying to me on facebook, and the prayer, i was overwelmed at how much you care, and i want to be the same for you, iwant to help you, cos your such an amazing person.but to do that, i have to still be here!

i think its a big part of depression, and i need to recognise that i am going to have times when i feel really bad like that and on the verge, i just have to talk and hang on through it and remember that Ed is just this thing-it cant make me do it, asd bad as it gets, its stillme, and ican win. so at the moment, im still shaky, and still feel that way, its just that other options seem much more possible now that i managed to reach out a little.I'm going to write a 'can anyone help me/recomend things for me to do practically post on my blog when ive pulled it together a little more. and d said you can call the samaritans free from a phonebox, so i can still talk to them, i just have to cross the street.
its going to be ok, maybe i think.i still feel baaaad but i can see the other way a little more now.

thankyou for showing it to me:)

with all my love
vics xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx '


I need some help. and i was wondering if any of you  had any advice.
I think you vaguely know the situation im in right now, in that im waiting for my benefit to be reinstated after it goes through the appeal.In the meantime things are a bit tricky. Does anyone know of any organisations that could help?or anything i could do to get food?like are there any charities or anything that could help me? Cos I cant keep it all inside anymore, and im not sure where to go from here. My doctor is looking at treatment options for me again, which hopefully will get me somewhere. right now im struggling with the day to day stuff.

But its going to be ok as long as i dont keep it all inside.

and thankyou, from every last bit of me for the comments on my last post. I cant tell you how much love and support i feel from you all, and i feel priveleged to know you all.

love vics xxxxxx

notice of relocation

see you all in moominland. I hear they live happily day after day there.And they dont have to constantly argue with the idiots that run jobcentre plus. Because moomins are always happy and well, so dont need benefit anyway. And they have lots of yummy food that mother moomin makes, and they can eat as much as they want, because they dont have eating disorders, or are poorer than peasants. Heck moomins even like being tubby!!

xxx

thinking

today you are you
that is truer than true
there is no-one alive
who is youer than you

today i am me. and i can only do my best.
what does being me mean?


It means im scared of eating, scared of feeling full. But im scared of this emptyness too. It means im sick. But it doesnt mean i cant get better.


Being me means that i wear a lot of bows:)It means i have appreciation for the weird things in life, like the moomins!

im struggling here cos that all i can think of.thats a preyyt bad picture.suoerficial.i dont waznt to be superficial.

A few years ago i would have said being me meant i was ambitious and creative and fun.it meant i wanted things from life.it meant that Ed just amused himself for some of the time and didnt need my constant attention.It meant that I wanted to be someone else who could.

My mum just phoned me.She asked me how much i weighed now.Not how i was, how i was feeling, not well done for getting into uni.

how much did i weigh.

plans

I have plans to live and i have plans to die. They overlap, and are interchangeable. sometimes i dont know which is which. Living like this is just another way of dying.

I make plans for everything. I like to know what im doing, with who and when.I like details and i like knowing how things are going to end. I wirte lists and lists of my lists. i like to always have a plan B.

how can your plan B be to live?

I think i hit my new low last night.scrap that. i did for sure.

you know things are going to plan when you are sitting in a pool of your own sick, and you realise that your stomach has this interesting little safety mechanism-its so used to be fed and emptied it cant actually handle anything much staying in their now.So when you try and feed it a pile of pills, well your not going to get anywhere anyway. I'm not proud of this. I just trying to be honest with myself.

So if you cant Die, you have to live. I want to live. well, as sure as i feel about anything right now.But not like this.This isnt living. I can kid myself, but this isnt even really surviving.I didnt manage to get this far to give up.I dont think I did. I can turn this around. I just have to honest, and admit how tough things are right now.

I need to plan for the rest of MY life, and how i want things to be.Flexible, but structured. Challenging but achievable.

Lou Lou wrote this on my last post and i love it
today you are you
that is truer than true
there is no-one alive
who is youer than you

I am Vicki and i feel a bit rubbish right now.Im not very good at admitting it, but it is ok to not be able to cope with everything on your own. Thinking about it rationaly, a lot of the reasons i feel so bad right now is down to external circumstance and things out of my control. This doesnt mean im rubbish, it means that things are a bot messy and im muddling my way through.
I can turn it around and i can make sure my future is better. tomorow is mothers day and im likely to feel a bit worse. So i will think of things NOW that i can do to help me feel better, put the plans in place.people move on and cope.and i can too.

so.if i feel like that again-like i did last night, because. its still ebbing in the background im going to call a helpline.Or go to A and E and explain. dying is never your only option.

and im going to figure out how to get my groove back, one step at a time.
 

i'm a mess

I dont know what to do. I feel like i want to hurt myself for being so rubbish and not being able to sort this out. i feel like id be better off dead. ive been trying today, realy i have.i feel like shit and i dont know what to do.i wish i just didnt have to wake up anymore,what the hell is wrong with me?
ok, like brilliant katie says, i shall try and rationalise it
.i;ve got no money.thanks jobcentre 'plus'. stupid idiots.
.above means i cant stick to mealplans which means im fucked for a couple of weeks.its soo hard.
.its nearly mothers day.there arnt words. i could have been a mum. i could have been better to my mum.i could have understood.
.i just feel like im the most rubbish person ever.
.i wish i was better at coping.i wish i could stop crying.

sit on it

I just want to talk to someone.Someone who wont tell me its inappropriate to talk to then about things, and tell me to wait until i see the next person.

since about this time-ish last year i have been refered to more people than i can count.And none of them listened to what was really going on. I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder.then told i dont have one.then i do.then im too depressed to have an ED (if you can tell me the logic in that, i'd be intrigued).
I saw the crisis team last summer, and they were helping me to learn to talk, until they decided i was better and completely dumped me.I went from full on seeing someone twice a day to having no support for 3 months just like that. It took me another 4 months to get a new cpn.I've been refered between Ed services and the MHT countless times, as they both think the other should help me first. the counselling service said i was too much of a self harm risk.Ed servoce dont want to know until ive had help for the SI behaviour. eeerrr and this works how!

im not stupid.I know im the one that has to do the work, im he one that has to change,i WANT to.im trying.I just need some guidance.

The thing is, i stopped talking before.I mean, literally, completely stopped.Id been told so many times to STOP talking-when i was at uni and needed help, by my 'ED is normal' mother, and by people who have the attitude of 'just forget about it and move forward'. well you cant move forward until you accept. It took me a long time to start talking again, and thn i managed to tell a couple of people what had happened. And they encouraged me o start talking so i did, and it took some of the weght of it away.Then they tried to find me someone to talk to ona regular basis, and i started seeing someone from the mental health trust who just repeatedly told me to put it in the past and sit with the feelings.

well yeh, i do. day in and say out. but all that is doing is reinforcing he shame i feel. It makes me feel insignificant.and it makes me feel like im being stupid.i feel really alone.and scared and uneasy.i dont trust myself.and i feel like im an idiot for feeling anything other than ok. I actually feel more messed up than i did before i started trying to get myself some support.

I guess i'l just sit on it.

make mine a pint (of wine)

Like the title said.

i've had ENOUGH now.
Ed wins.

Even if i get one over on Ed, something else shit just happens, and i cant keep picking up the pieces anymore.its not a life, just consttantly falling apart, each time, i lose another bit of me, and now theres all these gaps that ED just fills.

Gee thanks-a rant

Ok, so i know the peron that keeps sending me messages is really just soemone with way to much time on their hands, and obviously has some issues.

But seriously, you take the piss.What is your problem, exactly? and the thing is, no matter how many pics you send, and how many times you send me anti abortion hate mail-you cant hate me already more than i do.ok?you cant make me feel worse. personally, im learning to accept things, i have to. But on another level you make me soo angry for not understanding or knowing anythinga bout me, or my situation and circumstances, but you feel you have the right to judge me.who the heck do you think you are?could YOU bring up a baby in that situation?

I've sent your user Id to blogger admin, and all the messages and links you have sent.
now PISS OFF and leave me alone

meaningful relationship!

It took seven and a halfhours to get home! on the last train, which literally stopped at every nothing stop in cornwall possible, i had to turn my ipod up mega loud and put something tub-thumping on repeat to stop myself falling asleep-no one needs to visit the end of the line (literally, like, would have been in Lands End!) at that time of night!

I have formed a very deep attatchment to my duvet.It was love the minute i walked into my room and spotted it, in its pink spotty glory:)
i'd like to thank whoever invented these marvellous things.you are a hero. Obviously, to show my gratitide to this lovely thing, for its very existance, im going to have to spend some time getting to know it over the next couple of days:p It would have been rude to not snuggle up with it as soon as i got home. I forced myself to go and hose myself down, got my fav pj's on, and now its time to do some bonding!

yes, i know im weird.but seriously, it was soo cold on train, i've been thinking about my duvet and its lovliness for at least the last 6 hours!would it be wrong to spend an entire day in bed?actually, even if it is, i dont care, Ed can do one, cos i'm not getting up til i want to tomorow, even if Ed tries to make me get itchy feet at 6am.

bedtime!yeeeeeeeeees!

oooooh.i wonder if i could get a moomin duvet cover, wouldnt that be the most exciting thing in the world ever!!!

That old Love-Hate thing

Well, im not gonna lie, i feel a bit like that when i bought my train ticket, it came with a free nervous breakdown!

Im on the train back home-well one of may trains back home, and i am so strung out im still shaking! I'd forgotten how daunting London can be.

I'm a londoner, south to be specific, so i should be tough as boots!The trouble is, ive gotten so used to the humble bumblings of cornwall, ive forgotten how the real world works. Cos there is a world of difference between London and Cornwall. I mean apart from one being on the coast, and the other boasting the worlds grubbiset river.
I've got this Love-hate thing with cornwall.when im feeling bad, i long for annominity, and cornwall-well everyone knows everyone else, and all their business too.which can be seriously annoying. And whilst i often complain theres not a lot going on in the west counytry-its more that you have to make of it what you will.you get out the effort that you put in, yknow. theres more to cornwall than beaches and pasties, if you bother to look for it. And its really beautiful. And the whole way of life is so obviously much more laid back. you can feel it. The problem is, i feel like im hiding away from my real life here. I havnt got anything to stay here for -not really, especially as all my friends there are moving away soon. But I think I need more than this, and part of me wants to push myself to get what i know i really want. And that means i have to go to uni, and it makes sense to go to one that is offering me the most in bursaries and funding-and at the moment, thats Kings, or St Geooges if i get in.

London is stressful, and i felt the tension as soon as i got off the train at Paddington last night.I wanted to cry on the tube, i felt awful and panicky and there was sooo many people. But maybe, i just need to get used to it again and itl be ok. Logically, it will be overwelming seeing as i havnt been back for 4 years, and there are a lot of not so great childhood memories from here.

So what do i do?
Kings, and st georges particulary are small close knit schools, and i think that is something i would benefit from-because half the problem with liverpool was that it was sooo big. I love the course structue and st georges, i love the support system-this is really important to me-so that i know i can talk to someone if i need to. I know the area it is really well, as its near to wear we lived for a while when i was younger, and i have old friends around here as well. BUT its london.LONDON.i dont know if i can do that.

my other option is Brunel, in uxbridge, west london, which at least is out of town.But its not a nice area.And apparantly not the firendliest place on the earth.and its massive!but i do know my friend tommi, who would be nearish-by.

arrrrgggg.

St Georges is such an amazing place!liked the people there, and the way the course is run, and the facilities and evrything really.I loved it. I just dont know if i would be setting myself up for something too much.Im all for being optimistic-but i dont want to be stupid about this.hmn. I think I did the best I could of in my interview, but im not sure if its what they wanted. so im going to see what happens, and then have a think.or consult a psychic.or flip a coin.or eeniee meanie miny moo. hmn

im actually feeling proud of myself right now.I did something i was terrified of-travelling, London, Tube, interview etc, and i even managed to make friends with a really nice girl i met there,after we got talking. we went for a walk in to town in our break, and we were just having a right old giggle, half of it nerves i spose from interviews, but we got talking about ponies, and discovered that she is from the same middle of nowhere place as my friend!small world. Im also dead chuffed that i managed this, but at the same time, it really irks me that its a thing i need to be proud of yknow-but she suggested going to a cafe or somewhere, cos she was starving, and i thought, ok i can do that, i can just have coffee and its fine, but we got there and i managed to have something to eat-cos i just felt hungry, and suddemly sick of to death of ED.It felt like a challenge to Ed, like screw you Ed-im here, i just had an interview, i managed to get here in one piece and i AM GOING TO HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT.

shame the feeling has kind of ebbed away now, i feel taunted to the extreme by Ed right now, but i think thats also to do with how tense i get travelling, and theres a million connections i need to make, and if i miss one, then i miss last train back to cornwall!

so that old Love-Hate thing eh?
sucks

xxx

Brain training for beginners!

I'ts just occured to me that I havnt a clue what is going on in the world right now. Like, literally there could be a war on my doorstep (the Cornish National Party vandalising the 'fresh' counter in tesco for wrongly using the term 'cornish pasty' doesnt count, this happens all the time!) and i wouldnt know.
That makes me feel pretty bad actually, i mean, self absorbed or what! On the other hand, there is nothing I couldnt tell you about any of the following- PBL(if you dont know what this is, i am beyond jealous, so dont ask!), Human muscle anatomy, the latest on the 'jordan and peter break up', whats been happening in 'skins', the first few chapters of 'getting better bit(e) by bit(e)', the latest issue of  Vogue, the Topshop/motelrocks websites and St Georges Uni prospectus.

Sot the useful ones in that! I mean, obviously, aparty from Jordan and Peter!actually I couldnt care less about them ,bt somehow the knowledge infiltrates its way into my brain...anyway I digress!as per usual.

The point i was vaguely trying to make is that I think I need to do some Brain training, considering the nearest ive got to a broadsheet over the past couple of years is Vogue :p

Bt now im confused about what flipping paper to read!As natuatally drawn to scanal papers as i feel, i think these should be avoided. I want to be one of those intelligent (albeit annoying)people that take up an extra seat on tht tube with their massive paper. But which one?! I always thought their was a secret code to what paper you read, like tories read this, Bush supporters read that etc etc

this doesnt really help me an awful lot. Ok, I have this bizarre lefty kinda belief, and i like the idea of communism-im not saying im a communist mind!-but i can see how it doesnt work and leads to mahussive problems, but yknow in an ideal world, share the wealth, even distribution is kinda a good idea...i just think you need someone sensible in charge! So i guess you could say i had vaguely lefty views.What should i be reading??

though, i have to admit, im a crap voter, and i panic, go...ooooh i dont know il just vote lib dem!!ooopsy.

sometimes, i really have no idea where the rubbish i write comes from!
time to go catch rain to London soon!

thanks for all your good luck/congrats messages!

xxx

Thinking logically

Logically, i should be really happy right now. i dont think im a logical person. I wish i could just let myself enjoy the fact that i just got in to a really good uni-if nothing else it should help reassure me of my abilities to help me calm the hell down about St Georges interview tomorow. I should also be pleased that I got a little money from the benefit people today, and that they are processing my appeal-which means normal payments should start up in a few weeks time again. But i cant relax about that, cos i just feel like im waiting for it to go balls up again. And have to make this payment last indefinately until it gets sorted, and thats kinda scary. I wish i could just chill the hell out, and just be happy about it. I was happy earlier, for about 10 minutes, until i started thinking about all the ifs, buts, and maybes.

Im so so scared and anxious right now. Its not even really about interview, its about how i feel about me. I dont feel very safe as 'me' right now. I feel tense and wired, and i cry constanly, well, when im not asleep, which is most of the time. My jaw is so tense, its like its telling me to not talk about things.

I didnt even notice that i started restricting today, until a few minutes ago, when i thought about it.I dont want to eat, i dont want anything else inside me, cos i feel full of badness and ick as it is.

Logic tells me that if i eat, then it might help take some of the stress away.it might help me relax a little, and i will feel physically better.
ilogical me rekons that i will feel horrendous if i do.

Logic tells me that SI wont do anything but make me feel worse-ashamed that i caved in, and couldnt fight it, and ashamed that i would have yet another scar.
ilogical me tells me that it would release some of the knots im tied up in, and even temporarily this might make me feel better.

Im trying to stick with the logic but its soo bloody hard right now. I know i shouldnt be moaning like this, i should be fliping happy, but nothings really changed in me. I feel lost in a massive depressive downer.

the trouble is, that logic also tells me that hiding away is the same as running away-i have to face it out for it to get better, and hiding from it will only build it up into more of an issue in my head.
ilogical me is hiding under her duvet now

xxxx

blimey!

just checked my emails. I got an offer for kings college in london!
yeeeeees!!!!!

what kind of different?

A momentous, moomintastic (thanks sarah!) moment!
I thought I was going to keel over with shock when i actually got a helpful response from benefits agency.Shame they had to spoil it by adding how long the £30 had to last for. But i'll gloss over that cos i haven't got time to be worried about anything wlse, and het its all about small victories right?

I also saw my best friend today, who was down from Bristol for the weekend. I'd been looking forward to seeing her for soo long, but was also a bit scared, becasue why would she bother with me when she's got loads of super cool uni friends now, you know. And im just odd ol me.I always felt so flattered that she botherd with me at all, but shes fab and i love her to bits.she stuck by me through some awful times last summer, when i went a wee bit nuts, and helped me to sort things out. So, i saw her today, and she hugged me and we both squeeled a bit, and then she said that i looked so different now.
its only been like 6 months!

Different how?obviously the first thing i thought was, bloody hell, i didnt think id put on that much weight, she thinks im massive and fat etc etc (which I KNOW she wouldnt ever actually think!) then i was thinking, well 'better different', 'worse/fat/ill' different, like a loser, or what. It really threw me. It was such a throw away comment, and i think, actually it was prob about my hair.and yeh, ive got that lush puffy cheek from purging thing going on at the moment. And i was wearing something other than the sailor dress (its sooo amazing) or the bird print dress which i practically loved in all last year, rain or shine.

I hate how i jump to paranoid conclussions, and turn something that doesnt really mean anything into something that then, somehow, means everything. She was just saying i looked different, abd i have, like an internal meltdown about it!

I'm feeling really strung out right now, because i have to g to london for my interview at St Georges tomorowfor uni, and im peeing my pants about it.I dont know what to wear, i havnt travelled for so long, and its 6 hours on a train, and tube at the other end, and im scared of so many people. I havnt been back to london for about 4 years, after i ran away to cornwall to get away from things, and try and sort myself out.im terrified. And i get so anxious about time, and il worry the whole way that i will miss trains, or they will be late and i wont get connection and il be stuck in middle of nowhere etc etc etc. And what i know about 'current news topics relating to physiotherapy' is not even enough to write on a bloody stamp.I know all the old things, like argu,ments over pay scales and stuff, but ive been so busy, well just keeping myself, like alive, this has kinda snuck up on me. So im trying to read stuff, and the more i try and find the more scared i get. And i keep inexplicably ending up in floods of tears. I cried for hours all over my friend today. I cried when i got home, and im kinda crying a bit now.what the hell is wrong with me?

but, on the plus side, i haven't got to have tesco value noodles or similar for my dinner tonight! small merices, eh?

Quelle Miracle'!!!!!

omgosh i might wet my knickers with excitement!!!
I think I might actually get a payment in the next few days!!!

haha love it, half the jobcentre staff are on a union strike at the mo, and they are operating from skeleton staff-they appear to have left all the vaguely helpful people maning the phones!

am waiting for a call back.
ooooh they just called me back while i was writing!

ive got £30!!!!in my bank today!!!!ive never felt so rich in my entire life!!!!!!!!!!!ever!!!!!!!!

i've just realised what i have to do today...

Does anyone want to call the benefit agency for me???cos im either gonna lose my temper with them, or have a nervous breakdown, i think its 50:50 eitherway....

arggggg

what if i really cant face being strong anymore?

what do i do then?
everything is going wrong, and im tired of smiling through it, and ploughing on regardless.im tired of pretending to cope.
what if i feel like i can do it anymore, and cant face another day like this.what then?

Motivation-where for art thou??

 

 I think I win the blogger award for procrastination.I have done everything else i can possibly do to avoid the pile of college work looking at me accusingly from the corner. 

so why the heck cant i just get on with it! I seem to have lost the ability to A)concentrate on one thing for more than 5 seconds, B)stay awake for more than an hour at a time, and C)actually particulary care about anything at the moment.

I have been doing the same bit of coursework for soo long and it feels like im never going to finish it! and i have to write a report on 'problem based learning'-seriously who makes this crap up! Incidently, if any of you are any good at maths, yes please:)

so everyday, i have intentions to do stuff, crack on and get on with it, but it never quite happens...

what happened to my motivation?! I even started playing flipping farmville on facebook in an attempt to avoid, and thats soo against my principals cos i moaned at everyone else for it!gahhh.

Hmn i should probably stop writing now..ive got a funny feeling that this post is another attempt to avoid doing something constructive! if I comment on your post in the nest day or so, do me a favour, tell me to get off the bloody internet and do some work!not that i dont love you all, but i think i need a kick!

ooooh. look at the time!i think its time i had a petite little nap....

bugger it!arg!:p

a story.(long post)

Once upon a time there was a girl called vicki.
she grew up in London and moved house lots when she was little, as her step dad was in the forces.  she had to change school s alot to, and this made her anxious because she didnt like being the new girl, and always felt really shy. When she was little her favourite person in the world was her grandad.He was an elephant keeper at London Zoo, and used to have a shetland pony in his back garden.he said it was better than a lawnmower:) he used to put her up on the pony and take her for walks on wimbledon common and they would go searching for the wombles.He was really special to her.
When she was 7 they moved to a big new house.It felt really empty and she was lost in it. she had a rocking horse in her room and she used to sit on it and whisper all her secrets in its ears. She remember being hungry lots when she was 7, and  remembers her mum telling her aunt how fat she thought she was.she didnt really know what thay ment, but it didnt sound good. one day her grandad picked her up from school and told her mummy had to go away for a while, and that she was going to live with him for a little while, and her brothers too. she was upset, but mummy was always cross, and always forgot to make her tea, so she didnt feel to bad. she always saw mummy weighing herself, but didnt really know what the numbers ment.but mummy would be happier or really angry and cross with vicki depending on what the magic number that day was. Vicki asked her grandad if mum was in hospital because she had a sore tummy, and did mummy make herself sick to feel better to get all the bugs out?her grandad cried and cuddled her for a long time after that.
When she was 10, mummy was in hospital again, but this time she underastood why.she also knew that mummy didnt want her to get fat, because fat was a really bad thing, and ment that you were a bad person. amd mummy always seemed pleased when she didnt finish all of her tea, and didnt have breakfast before school. Her nan and grandad thought it might be a good thing if vicki went to boarding school, because life was so unsettled, with moving houses, and mum often in hospital or really unwell. they semt her oldest brothers away to school, and they were much happier. so there was just marc, vicki and little graham at home.she heard grandad talking to nana worriedly about her, and saying she didnt think it was good for me to be with mum.nan told him he was silly, and that i was getting chubby, and to stop taking us out for tea.she went to boarding school, at a prep school in richmond, but she cried so much that eventually after a term they let het come home.
As she got older, Vicki realised that mum would pay her attention and like her when she did well.she did really well with the ponies and did county level competions, then national teams as she got older.she did her gcse's a year early to please her mum. she lost weight to please her mum, but sometimes she was so hungry and empty and unhappy that she would binge, but then felt disgusting, so she made herself sick like mum did. she took laxatives and diuretics cos mum gave them to her and said they were good for her.
Vicks grandad dies when she was 14 and she was so unhappy.she thought it was her fault for a long time, because he had angina and vic was sitting with him, and then she went into the other room and didnt go back for a bit.when she went back in grandad had died from a heart attack, without making a peep. she should have stayed with him.
When she was 15 mum was sectioned for a long time, because she lost a ot of weight, and her heart was poorly.vicki spent a long time sitting in hospital corridors wondering what was happening.when she saw her mum, she wasnt sure who she was anymore, amd broke down in sobs, and had to be taken away by a nurse. she asked the nurse to give her mum the ribbon she had tied into a bow round her wrist.
Vicki got sent to boarding school again, and she cried everynight, but she felt safer than being at home.she isnt sure why she was always so upset.she felt she had to be the best at everything.she tld the school nurse to sod off when she asked if vic had an eating disorder.when vicki left that school when she was 16, she had to live in a hostel for a while because mum was still in hospital and nan couldnt cope, because vicki was being so rebelious. Vicki got picked for the junior GB team when she was 16, and cried herself to sleep about how much pressure she was under.she just wanted her mum to notice her. Her big brother disappeared and didnt get in contact for years, because he needed to get away form he family.she understood what he was doing, but felt so alone.
she did her A levels and went to university to do the course everyone wanted her today-she was going to be a vet.
Vicki tried to reinvemt herself at university, as someone who was so much better than she was.everything she felt she wasnt.her eating disorder got a little better at first. She carried on being the best in the class, and she made herself a fantastic dress for a party she thought she ought to go to, so she didnt seem like the odd one put. She went to the party, and thought for the first time that she looked pretty.Then this boy started talking to her and she couldnt belive it. so she danced with him, and went out to sit on the stairs with him to talk-was a houseparty on the famous smithdown road(if youve read anything else on my blog) and he kissed her and she thought she was on the moon.he said she was gorgeous and clever and brilliant and asked if she wanted another drink, and hed go to the kitchen and get it.so she said yes, and he didnt come back for a while, but that was ok, because she was talking to her friend(who ended up stabbing her in the back more than you would think was possible) about the cute guy that she was talking too.she also met the girl that turned out to be her best friend at university and helped her get through everything to come.when he came back she drank what he gave her quickly because she felt nervous and immeadiately funny things started happening in her head.it was turning her inside out and she didnt know which way the world was up,everything looked amplified and flourescent and different, and she couldnt focus, couldnt breathe.he was laughing at her, but she felt unerved by it, and panicked, and kept seeing these funny pictures in her head.she sees them in her dreams still. she went unside because she wanted the cold air to help bring her back, so she went ouside ans stood in the alley way beside the house. He followed her out a few minutes later and laughed at her.he pushed her against the wall and she said no and thought he was joking, but everything looked bright and luminous in her head and she was scared.she told him no, no NO but he did it anyway, and laughed at her and walked away. her dress was torn and she swas bleeding because he hit her.she felt funny, like the ground was trying to swallow her, and the cracks in the pavements looked a mile wide.she fell over, and her friend found her in the gutter.he thought she was drunk and took her back to halls, but she panicked at him and told him about the pictures in her head and he took her to hospital. she lost conciousness and a long time later came back too, and found that she couldnt talk anymore.about anything.
so she stayed in her room and didnt eat and weighed herself til she got the right magic number, just like mum did.it made mum feel better.so she would too.she got a letter saying she was filing, but vicki didnt ever fail anything.and her friend came to see her and she cried and cried and cried and she managed to tell him what happened. and he went ith her to talk to the welfare tutor and he didnt belive har cos she left it so long, and told her being drunk wasnt the same as rape.so she stopped talking again, and her friend got really angry and hit the guy that did it, and then loads of ruomours went around, and the dean told her she had to shut up or leave.so she shut up.One day she realised shed put on weight, but it didnt make any sense.her jeans wouldnt do up.the she realised she hadnt had her period since it happened.she shut herself in her rom with a pregnancy test and cried for days.she felt repulsed at herself, but not at the innocent baby.she didnt know what to do, but she was to scared to talk.so she used all her studen loan, and her credit card to pay for a termination.it haunts her still,because she saw the baby, because it was late trem and she had to go through labour.
she went home after that and quit uni.her mum was so mad and didnt listen when she tried to explain why and threw her put.so vicki got a live in job at a yard, and sold her horses to buy out of her sponsorship deals.she worked training police horses, not caring or realising how dangerous it was, and went out and got drunk everynight.

and now shes so messed up she doesnt know who vicki is anymore.

this is for the person that wrote shit on my blog.how dare you judge me when you know NOTHING about me.I dont write this to feel sorry for myself, in fact i wrote it to try and see it from an outside view.

I nap more than a cat

I'm still trying to decide what to do about my blog, i was seriously thinking of just getting rid of it, cos it made me feel horrible with comments like that, but then what would happen is that id stop talking about things and keep it all in again. I do need some kind of outlet, especially whilst i dont have any help right now. il prob make it private or change the url, if i do il send people invites. i hate that i have to do that, but i think it will make me feel better.else im going to have to delete a ton of posts, and why should i hide things, ive done that for long enough now.

 im feeling rubbish today.ive got literally soo much on my mind. Ive gotto get this mess with benefits sorted out, cos its really screwing me up now. ive got college work coming out of my ears and then some on top.and all this stuff ive been writing about in my head. im suposed to be going for a uni interview, in london on tuesday.luckily bought the train tickets in advance, but thats stressing me out as well-not the intervoew so much, but the travel and things.

and the only thing i feel able to actually do is sleep.im so ridiculously tired, and i cant concentrate to get anything done.so hen i feel worse and worse.but i just wake up spinning out anyway so then i get all upsewt, from dreams and things.

i just want it to get a little bit better, cos i dont really think it will anymore.

thankyou everyone for all your support over last couple days, means a lot

xxx

i cant beleive someone would be that horrible

i just had to delete my last post becasuse someone left me a link to a very graphic anti abortion site, and the first thing that came up was a picture. and sent me a private message about the evils of abortion.
the same person commented on my other blog and left a link to a blog that was covered in photos of women being hit, and held down for sex.

so thankyou whoever did that.

was just what i needed right now, to make me feel a little better.
ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG

im thinking i might get rid of my blog.because everyones support has been amazing, but i cant deal with that.i feel bad enough as it is.

sleep on it

or not.
ive been awake since 3am.
i think i did the wrong thing
i didnt do the wrong thing

please help me.i dont think i can cope now.

Alternate endings

Have you ever read one of those books, where you can choose the ending? Like, each page had a next bit of the story, and you pick option A, B or C to decide what happens next.
same story, but so many different endings.

I have been told many times recently that you should not regret decisions from your past, because you did what you thought was for the best at the time, in the given circumstances.

But it could have been so different.

heres the scenario

 Girl goes to a party, gets her drink spiked and gets raped. she tries to tell people because she needs help but noone belives her and she gets bullied, and the university threatens to chuck her out. Ed offers to help her feel better, and pretty soon its worse than its ever been. And she doesnt realise it for a long while, but she is pregnant.

option A
she keeps the baby, and tries to love it, but everytime she looks at it she feels she cant connect.That the baby is something that was part of him. she muddles through life, and tries to do her best for the baby.and makes up a story about the dad, for the child, because look what happened last time she told. And how do you tell a child, YOUR child that anyway.

Option B
she has the baby, and has it adopted.but spends the rest of her life longing and wondering about her child.she gave it up for the babies best interests.But how would you feel if you were the child, and when you were older you asked about your parents, trid to find out.what would the truth do to you?

Option C
Its really late before you realise what is going on.you find out you are pregnant and you feel sick, and your blood runs cold.you feel repulsed, not by the baby, but how it got there,and it makes your skin itch. You have an abortion, but you cannot ever forgive yourself.you have nightmares everynight, and dream about what the baby would have looked like.you haste yourself a little more everyday, until it eats away at all of you, til theres nothing left. you thought it was the only thing to do at the time, but now you wonder.

what really gets me, is that even now, i dont know what the best thing to do was, and i think thats what is tearing at my head everyday.I love children, but i am pro-choice.
but i am not pro-mychoice.
i wish i could explain.i feel like muck. I dont think any of the options has a particulary positive side.
im going around in circles here.because i could do the same thing for what happened when i spoke about it.
if id kept my mouth shut, and pulled my head back together, i could be a mother.all i want in the world.my baby didnt deserve that. I could have carried on at uni.maybe i did really want to do that course, and maybe this stuff got in the way-i dont really know.i could have qualified as a vet last year.big whoop-di-do.
nothing seems iportant after i did that.

ive thought hard about wether this is an appropriate post.But this is my blog, and my thoughts. I dont want to cause anyone any offense, i really dont, i just needed to let it ot of my head.I was writing something ese, and before i realised it, had deleted that, and writen half of this.so maybe it wants to be said.

i respect everyones personal opinions as regards to this tpic, but please-i really dont need any anti abortion lectures, because i hate myself as it is, and really, you couldnt make me feel any worse anyway.and i dont mean any offense by writing that either.
i give up.im talking in muddled circles now.

xxx

100 things :)

 Feeling inspired by reading Lou Lou's and Brie's list, i'm afraid i contracted copycat-itis and made my own list! Plus a big nudge from Lou to write my own:)

1. wear a great big bow everyday that it still makes me giggle!

2.go to moomin land.obviously.

3.learn how to use the punctuation and shift keys on my keyboard!

4.have ballet lessons

5.wear whatever i want, just because, without caring what anyone thinks

6.get a smoothie maker instead of just thinking about what a good idea it would be

7.go to bristol to visit dl

8.support someone the way i have been supported recently:)

9.get over my grudge with jobcentre plus and benefit system

10.become an advocate for people that have similar problems with benefits and getting Ed help

11.forgive and forget, but when im ready to do it

12.finish my college course!

13have another bash at uni

14.become a physiotherapist

15.start teaching riding again

16.help out with riding for the disabled again.

17.appreciate how pretty cornwall is, instead of moaning about how boring and isolated it is

18.learn to dive

19.get over fear of jellyfish to enable me to do 18

2a part time job in truro fabrics

21.i really want to get involved with the charity that helps homeless young people, because its such a frightening situation to be in.

22.donate lots of money and help oganise activities for young people in the YMCA, because this hostel saved my life.

23.go to paris, so i can at least expand my range of dodgy french words!

24.to a creative writing course

25.learn the proper way to sew a zip on

26.ditto casting on with 2 knitting needles

27.finish my anatomy coursework in the very near future!

28.establish a healthier routine for myself.try and get up at same time every day.

29.learn that drinking makes things ten times worse.

30.boys are rubbish.but i will find someone fabulous if i look in the right places!

31.do something fun with my mum

32.go to spain so i ca give my dog a big hug!

33.go and visit my bro in california

34.go to Russia with dl so we ca do our viva la soviet thing!

35.watch my cousin dance at covent garden

36.reform the spice girls tribute band!

37.write a 'how to keep your sanity guide' for anyone moving to cornwall.trust me, its well needed!

38.get better at surfing.

39.be an eco warrier.make compost.recycle everything.not have such long showers all the time.

40.be better with money

41.grow my own veg:)

42.i really want to start a funky version of WI.so like younger women, doing groovy crafty things, making wicked clothes, and kitschy stuff, that kind of thing. Theres one in camden in London and i want to start a group similar wherever i end up!

43.learn to cook.toaster skills dont count

44.try new foods

45.eat out in a restarant without panicking

46.get 'cliniqued'

47.compete in the prix st george dressage champs

48.learn better ways to cope.not want to binge and purge.keep more accurate food diaries, even if i feel awful writing it.

49.learn to relax and just sit with the moment.yoga maybe!

50.tell lots of people how truly brilliant they are!

51.enjoy doing my degree and try not to be so scared about it

52.get guinea pigs again

53.go and visit my nan

54.try and find a way to have a relationship with my mum, that doesnt have anything to do with ED.i want to really find out who she actually is under it all, becasue i dont think ive ever seen it.

55.Jump the 'christmas olympia' stakes wall

56.compete in the shetland grand national!

57.get a pair of old skool roller skates, paint them sparkly pink and wear them all the time!

58.have my own boutique:) will be fabulous and covered in bows:)

59.sell some of the things that i make

60.start my ebay shop again-custom made one off designs for dresses.

61.fall asleep on a lilo in a swimming pool

62.marry toby maguire

63.failing that find a close second!

64.learn how to make 'home made things'-like jam, chutney, cakes etc instead of buying them from m and s and pretending i made them!

65.have a yoghurt and vanilla bean smoothie tap in my house

66.have children

67.start up a victim support and advocacy group for young women who are abused, and cannot find support.

68.be a healthy weight-and accept that this wont be eds version of healthy-but schucks to that!

69.get a vespa moped, get it sprayed so it looks vintagey pink and ride it everywhere!

70.see more of my friends

71.get a massage.

72.get rid of all the stuff i bought back form liverpool

73.write a list of all the things that make me happy, and i feel thankful for, and put it somewhere i will see first thing in the morning.

74.own a house with land for the ponies!dont want much eh?

75.have enough money that i dont have to worry constantly about buying milk etc

76.get the scar on my tummy lasered because it really bothers me.

77.go camping by the sea

78.try on a vera wang ball gown

79.go into harrods, pretend am getting married and am very rich, and try on all dresses!

80.write a letter to owner of topshop and tell him, that-in the real world, women rang more in size than just needing a 10 or 12!

81.go and visit/ride all of my old ponies.sam especially!

82.teach at pony club camp

83.dye my hair pink

84.start or join a book group

85.raise awareness that ed's can affect anyone, and that more help is needed for people trying to recover.

86.start like a email service thing, where people struggling about si/Ed can email, let it off their chest, and i can reply, talk about what helped me to get better, and advise them about getting help.like, if you felt horrible urge to si, could try emailing to see if letting it out would help.could get a few people together to help with replies etc.

87.get to the top of 'the tree of confidence'-see pic at the side of my blog

88.have a clothes room!

89.learn how to do proper makeup.oooh.

90.be happy than i am now

91.beleive that i can be better, and well, and i dont have to let history repeat itself

92.have a pet cow.called ermintrude.

93.go on safari and see elephants

94.if i insist on buying ridiculous shoes, find someone who can teach me to walk in them!

95.have tea with cath kidston!

96.go and see kings of leon live-in  Nashville!

97.watch the couture shows at London and Paris fashion weeks

98.accept that some things were the only thing to do at the time.i dont have to beat myself up for trying to do the best for me at the time.

99.remember its ok to put myself first if i need to.

100.stop thinking how to end my life, and concentrate on living it and enjoying it!

ammendment-im not sure which to replace-so-

101.pinch one of those roadsigns with the cows on it.inexplicably, i have always wanted one.

oops- a-daisy, blast and damn!

A bit of advise...

Throwing heavy objects against the wall might well make you feel better...
but trust me its shortlived when you realise how long you are going to have to spend playing about with polyfilla to fix it!

crapola!

lesson well and truly learnt :p

sod it, im going to Japan!

 Last night i got to the end of my bow ribbon. like had had enough with bells on top. So i called the out of hours helpline, attatched to the MHT, and my favourite person ever was working!just what i needed:)

I spoke to her a lot over last summer, when i was seeing the Crisis team-shes a CPN, and shes super duper cool! and she really understands and listens, she was the first person i ever really trusted to tella bout what had happened to me, and about mum, after i got all that crap at LIverpool. And she stayed on the phone to me for hours and just let me talk and talk. so basically i think shes brilliant. and we ALWAYS end up talking about bows, clothes, toby maguire, moomins, and how cool it would be to have glittery rollerskates instead of feet.

Anyway she said something last night that made me feel a bit teary.

'we're both brilliant.And the only difference between you and me Vic, is that I believe that and you dont yet.But you will flower, because you ARE. So when Im having a bad day, I can realise that its not because im crap, its just that im feeling that way because of A..B..C, and its not actually me thats rubbish.You have to tell yourself your brilliant, like your friends would. You have to realise thats its ok to be affected by things, and not think it makes you any less brilliant. Cos thats the only different Vic, we are both Big losers, but the coolest kind there is!'

'No one should make you feel that you have to lock your secrets away and keep them in your head, and its ridiculous that you have been told tto just move on.Its all still there for you to come back to when you feel strong enough, and in the meantime you should never feel guilty for enjoying yourself.

and failing that Vic...Sod it you can always jut move to japan!!!

Haha she rekons my 'craetivity, moomin love and general loopiness would be greatly appreciated in Japan! 

chocolate teapots

extremly useful things, yeh?!well, thats about how useful and able to help myself i feel at the moment.
incidently, someone once bought me a chocolate teapot-i use that saying a lot.Obviously i didnt eat it, but i was always sorely tempted to brew tea in it :)

a couple of apologies.sorry for the many many posts today.please dont feel you have t read/comment on all my witterings, and i promise soon i will stop going on and on and on about how much i hate jobcentre plus. and on that note-im sorry for how self indulgent i am being at the moment-again feel free to tell me to 'get on with it'.Writing on here helps me to think things out.

ooh id like a chocolate caffitiere!:)

heres the thing.
i've just lost the plot a bit, binged and eaten my weeks supply of food.oops.this could be a problem, but one i am chosing to ignore right now.Incidently (i like this word today) isnt it a complete ....(insert swear word) that ED is loving this, and encouraging me to start restricitig hardcore, cos well i might as well-well thats what Ed is telling me, its loving this whole situation.
I made myself sick and threw up a ton of blood again, like, a lot. so im not feeling that great right now.
Ed is giving me grief, im giving me grief for being so pathetic. I mean im not the only one who has this crap, so why cant i just get it together and sort it out, instaed of moping.its soo hard, but its not like anyone is going to help anyway, so i should just get on with it.  so then Ed gives me more grief.
ive put on weight-this is probably fron all the cheapo stodge food ive had to eat, so figures, but still makes me feel wobbly.and why do i care anyway, im supposed to be getting better?
Im wearing a tracksuit.and no bow.this has never happened before.
i think i must have zoned out or something, because realised, just before stsrted to write this, that i had been sitting in the corner staring at my ceiling for a good 2 hours, hell knows what i was doing, i dont even know what i was thinking about.so that scares me a little.
I miss my best gal like hell at the moment, but im too scared to tell her whats happening, cos she has soo much going on herself.
im worried out of my mind about my other good friend.

raaaaaawr ive had ENOUGH

xxx

Jobcentre 'Plus'

 In England, the benefit system is (apparantly/badly/inexplicably-take your pic) run by a government company called 'Jobcentre Plus'.

A few years ago-strangley the same time the ministry for agriculture, fisheries and food (maff) mysteriously became defra in the mother of all cover ups (well, it was either that or admit how very wrong they were about foot and mouth disease!), Jobcentre, was reborn as Jobcenntre plus...

Plus what exactly...?

Plus a caring, helpful attitude?
Plus a  prompt and efficient service?
Plus actual help?
Plus an understanding, that actually, a lot of people do not want to be claiming benefit, and do not need to be berated that little more
Plus, erm benefit?
Plus a complaints system that actually responds?


cos if thats what the 'plus' means, i think a lot of staff failed their training...

Just a thought :p

I've never had so much fun (with my clothes on!)

sorry have always wanted you use that saying!

well, I got £10 to last 2 weeks-im not sure how that correlates to what they gave me before, but whatever.So at least I can get my meds. hu-bloody-ray

wow, theres nothing like that special feeling you get after being interogated by the benefit crack team!

xxx

musings on today

I dont want to.i dont want to.i just bloody well DONT WANT TO!
i've just woken up, shaking and drenched in sweat-yum. so i guess i had some good dreams, or else im really lovin the new dose of my meds.

so in a min i have to start greovelling to the social fund people, after being put on hold for like half an hour, nicely running up my phonebill.then il have o spend the day in cornwalls dodgiest town, hanging around the benefit office, where they drag the whole enjoyable process out for as long as possible.yay.

sorry, i know i keep moaning about this.but ffs!

still, ive promised myself that if i get out of there alive, i can go admire the prettiest belt ever in river island-covered in bows, so i can figure out how to make one for myself!haha

xxx

its amazing where six pounds will get you!:p

Tomorow I have to go back to the social fund office, and grovel for what will probably be another £6 loan.I actually feel like i woiuld rather starve than lower myself to go through that again.
Have sent my appeal forms off to hopefully get decision about benefit changed. I just would really like ONE teeny little thing to go right, just to make me feel like i might actually, eventually get sonewhere.

Though, obviously have had the best few days, courtesy of the crisis loan service!wild partying, plenty of food, the odd pair of designer shoes, ive paid my bills, and my rent, and bought the uni book i need, had a spree in topshop...its amazing how far i got!:p. i would never be sarcastic, dont know why you think that!

anyway, im taking the piss, or a might cry.its just so bloody miserable.its not like i was taking the piss, asking them to fund social life, shopping trips, i dunno, that sort of thing.I needed help to buy food and pay bills.And thats what benefit is for, essesntials, and it makes me cross that they just label everyone as out for what they can get.I could understand the being reluctant to fnd, ooh i dont know, someones crack supply, or strongbow habit. Ive had to go way of my mealplan the last few days and its messed me up bigstyle.im not bitching, im not wanting them to pay for me to have a good time, but surely the idea is to get better so i can come off benefit-so i dont see how this is helping.

For the record, six pounds will buy you-
toilet roll
2 pints milk
loaf bread
cheese
soap
couple of tins of fruit, and spaghetti hoops
and some cheapo squash to drink.

or i could have bought like a million packets of value biscuits-arg why is it so expensive to eat well??
so im really looking forward to being hung, drawn and quatered tomorow.
i dont know why i bother
also loving the fact that £6 isnt enough to pay for prescrip, cos cant get them free now, while this is being sorted...so am not looking forward to when i run out in couple of days, and start withdrawing.

jeez im feeling especiially cheerful today!
xxx