make mine a double.

I've done 3 days of uni now. And im totally exhausted. This is not good, considering that all its been is endless welcome talks and induction rubbish.

I mean, clealy this tiredness is due to the fact that i am a totally normal student who has been embracing freshers week, drinking cheap booze and rocking home at 2am from some london club, and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that i havnt eaten for 3 days now. hmn, cos the 3 day thing is entirely a coincidence.

There are some lovely people here. I mean its a shame they all live in the other block, but the bonus of that is that i can have peace and quiet as needed, me being ancient and all. But the thing is, the people I met first at Liverpool were the people who screwed me over the worst  in the end. and i cant seem to let it go.

sofar i have managed to reduce myself to a sobbing mess (in public) twice. TWICE. Once when i was with a couple of lovely girls and just suddenly felt hideous, and the next when a a couple of second years were talking to me at a 'get together' at the SU bar before town, and they asked about family and i couldnt stop crying. NOT GOOD.

I saw the uni counsellor for the second time today, and i doubt im going back. She irritates the crap out of me, and today we sat there in silence for about 40 minutes while i cried. rekons i understand too much about my eating disorder to actually have one.

My new GP is quite nice. His youngish, obv thinks im a bit weird but he said he would try and hurry referalls up, but will still take forever. Counsellor rekons the only reason i wasnt help from services is so i feel validated-er, no, the reason i want help is because I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR FUCKING YEARS FOR IT, THEN GOT IT FOR ABOUT A MONTH AND ID LIKE IT CARRY ON NOW PLEASE.PLEASE.please thankyou very much before i jump out of the nearest window because i feel like im about to spill over and i dont know how much more i can copewith right now and i dont even have HTT to fall back on and im so anxious i dont know what to do, and id quite like to cut fairly significant lumps out of myself now, please can i see someone to talk to who wont judge me and will actually help me please thankyou please.

today, in a freshers packs, we were  given condoms, and a rape alarm.

bodes well, i think

I am SO offended

Some BITCH just emailed me and sent me a link to her site, which is all about spotting a sociopath. And how they are all manipulative liars who fuck other people up.

well. thank you for that VERY much.

When you have been raped and been through the court proceedings, along full a big bucketful of other shit, you just get back to me on that.

Game on...

aka how a series of random events have made me feel hideous and like i should not be here.

I went to see a University counseller today out of desperation. I needed someone to get the way i was feeling, s i could validate it, almost. But we didnt gel, and to be honest, it made me feel worse. Cos now i realise i have to start with the explaining all over again. which is triggering in itself.

I braved out the common room at halls today, which was full of bitchy girls bitching.they ignored me for half an hour-even when i said hello!-then askedme what course i was on, and kind of looked at me weirdl.and my immeadiate tought process goes-omg they think you too fat and unfot to be a physio.

I cant eat. It just doesnt feel like an option.restrict restrict restrict. The stupid thing is -i know it makes it worse. i KNOW that. But i cant break it. I just dont want people to see me eat. I dont want to have to accept i need to eat-i dont, which i suppose is the issue. it feels like my dirty ittle secret-omg vic EATS!. but its morevthan that, i could never explain, not really.

I feel inadequate and like a freak. And i keep trying to talk to people and everyone just looks right through me, cos they all cliquey wth the people in their flats/on their courses.

I fail bigstyle

xxx

the trouble is

you just take your shit with you, you just unpack it a bit slower...

well, its sure not cornwall!!

And if it were, I'd be able to call the home treatment team. And right now I'd swap everything I own for a chat with them. Hardcore.

I cant get mobile signal in my room (this seems to be a common theme in halls of residence) and they cant get through on the weird landline phone in my room.which is annoying. hey ho.

so today, me and my mangled hand tried to register with a doctor. There are MANY gp practices in this area, all of which are highly selective on their catchment area, and keep the details of which surgery i could register at, as some sort of state secret, which shall never be disclosed. I had to go back to A and E clinic this morning, which was fun (and painful) but did manage to register with a dentist. anyone looking for an NHS dentist-there are approx 1 million dentists in this area, all taking on new patients. They all look equally scary, none can speak english, but hey, i guess it tests your nerves lol.I'm not good at dentists, so not entirely sure i will turn up to appt on friday. we shall see. Today I went to in to town, and then got the bus back via kingston, so i could have a perve in my old fav shops lol.something to do anyway. NOTHING has changed. except the shopping centre I used to frequent as a tennager now only seems to cater for males. v strange.

I saw some people I used to know today, and it was not fun. They blatently saw me , from the nudging and the whisoering, and its no secret that i moved to cornwall to put space between myself and them, to try and get better. Cos they are total scene queens, and like, wanted eating disorders for the glamour. ffs.

I got my Chartered society of physio  poloshirt and badge today in the post!so now i cant get sued if i break anyone lol hahhahah

proud moment. that badge is my new fav accessory.

xxxxxxxxxx

and by the end of the day-read previos post first!!

following this post (and please help with this one if you have any ideas id really appreciate it)

I've managed to swap my catheter (which was taken out on friday-total party, and dont even care that i have to now catheterise myself with these weird temperary ones all the time) for a FREAKING BROKEN HAND!!! My second day here and im not in finger splints and a weird cast thingy. After freaking out about what i wrote about in previous post, i decided to be proactive and go up to the common room and find someone to play with. Noone there, but on way back saw someone moving in flat above me and offered to help with their stuff.and their dad managed to shut my hand in the metal security gate and mangle my hand. He was so mortified i felt more sorry for him. haha he gave his daughter £20 to take me out for drinks hahaahaha. But it was kinda icicng on the cake, and i was in floods of tears-hurt like FUCK (weirdly more than breaking my arm) and had to go to a and e, and all that palava. and now everyone knows me as the freak girl who cried her eyes out. and the halls warden was just like 'jeez, toughen up or ul have a hard time here', then asked me if i wanted her to call my mum or someone to go to a and e with me. erm, yeh please. which i KNOW wasnt her fault but then i had to explain to avoid future awkardness-and she was a bit nicer then-but really didnt help.

on the plus side, at least i have a stella excuse to not do some more unpacking!!yesss!!hahaha

omg it HURTS

xxxxx

the ins and outs of it

I went food shopping today

I havent actually bought anything i can eat

this could be a problem

see, I make a rubbish student, actually. Because I can't deal very well with sharing kitchens and food cupboards and people seeing what i'm eating'. So what I end up doing is buying tons of what i view to be super healthy food, and loads of fruit and veg(which i wont get through before it goes off), and nothing that i feel that i can actually eat. In case-shock horror-someone notices i ate something that had more than 5 calories in it. Which would tip me right over th edge, and off the planet into Ed-ness again/even more. But if i were to keep my food in my room, everyone would think I was being weird. And i cant share a food cupboard. Im not being selfish-i'd lend someone my fav motel dress, anything else-but i CANT share food space. Beacuse if it were with my things, it would make me think i should be eating that. Or if i binged, i might eat their food. there are lots of reasons, but basically im feeling a bit fragile right now.

I'm trying sooo hard to be normal. I got up and had breakfast this morning (which im pretty proud of) and managed to sit in the kitchen and eat it and not runaway when the hall warden (only other person in my flat so far) came in and started making a massive hangover fry-up. and asked what i did last night, to which i replied-went to sainsburys, got lost, went to bed. she on the other hand went to a party, and had an awsome time. But its all the little things that are making this feel like its something i cant do. wtf am i doing here anyway.i dont fit in, i stand out like a sore thumb, cos everyone looks so london-cool, and unbothered by life.

I just want to get into bed. i'm so tired.I havnt slept properly for ages now, and, well, I just want to get into my nest and have a massive cry.i want to call the home treatment team and talk it through with them , but i cant. Becasue i know they would talk with me for the next week or so, before pointing out im in the wrong county for their help, but my freaking phone doesnt get signal anyway in halls. I want to call the guy from EDS and talk with him about it all. Fuck, i'd even go with a samaritan right now.

And all this because i dont know what I can eat.

well here i am :)

Its really late (well about 11pm, but i feel like ive been up forever), and im sitting at the desk in my new room at uni halls. My rooms an absolute tip, because i cant be bothered to unpack, so took the 'tip things out until i find what i need' approach. Needless to say, it got a bit messy. Ive made my bed up, with my new barbie duvet (thanks, you know who you are!), and dug out the moomin that bel made me (its fabulous!), and JP the sock monkey.

I'm the only person on my course in halls at the mo-because I have moved in a week early (to sort GP and EDS refereals out before term) and its a bit weird. Lots of people went out tonight, and I didnt really fancy it-Cornwall to Tooting is a massive treck! Ive been to sainsbury's, and got lost on the way home. Its so strange being back in London. Its so busy ALL THE TIME. But familiar too.

My room is HUGE! its the biggest in the block apparantly, and I think I got it because I can have my own fridge in my room, token gesture to the resident ED girl.haha. I miss my lovely truro flat soo much. I left the keys with Bel, and she was there earlier and said how empty it looked. And i miss my boys, the infamous horny goldfish Jon-Paul and Ray Quinn. Its a lot nicer in the halls than the ones in Liverpool were-and i feel a lot more ok than i did when i first got there too. The warden for the block lives in my flat (hmn, me thinks ive been put here for a reason!)and seems nice.

ugh im too tired.was gonna write more, but bed time!

shattered

love and thanks and then some to everyone who helped me get here

i love you very much:)

xxxxxxxxxxxx

lets face it-if i can do it-so can you!!!!

so this is it!

I got there!!!!

tomorow im going to london, movin into halls and the following monday im starting my physiotherapy degree.I passed occupational health, which is fairly surprising hahahaha. My lovely doctor (i mentioned i loved him, right??!! haha) said he thought i was brilliant, and was really proud of me. Which makes me feel really proud of myself. And lets face it, this year has been a total bitch. Which just goes to show really.

Anyone can do anything they want, if you want it bad enough.

xxxx

a brief hiatus from my life...

well, thats what i would like, anyway. but sorry, once again im writing another self indulgent fml post. which is something i really need to work on.hmn.

So, thanks for the comments.im planning to work as much as possible as soon as i find something. And im not being grumpy about supporting myself through school-i knew i was going to be doing that anyway, and thats what ive been doing for years anyway. Its just the fucking beuracracy that gets in the way of people not understanding i cannot come up with huge amounts of money all at the same time.and i dont object to being piss poor whilst there, and i dont want to go out partying and spend loads on having a good time. I just want to go to school. raaah rahhh raaaaaaaaahhhhhh.

xxxx

fml

just really really really FML

i just wanted to go to school.

and now i dont think i can.

and its not fucking fair. we dont all have parents paying our way, or a secret stash of money in the bank.and even when you apply for student finance, fugure it all out-well, why bother, cos it just fucks up anyway.

fml

continues from last post...

RE -IM SO FUCKING FED UP OF THE BAG OF PISS STRAPPED TO MY LEG-

i swear if this catheter is not taken out NOW i am going to go fucking insane. its been 3 weeks!!and even my GP doesnt know why i have it still.

take it out someone please. or im ripping it out. im HURTS and if i get bathed in my own piss one more time im going to kill someone, or myself.im not sure which. the bags broke twoce last night, and the connection to the bag undone 5 times today. i am SICK OF BEING COVERED IN PISS.

TAKE IT OUT PLEEEEEASE I CANT DEAL ANYMORE.

general upset-ness

I dont really understand my bodies water balance right now. see, I lose about 8 litres a day through my catheter (im not kidding.ask anyone who has spent a day with me how often i have to empty the poxy thing.and thats when its not leaking allover my feet). And i've probably lost another few litres through how much i have cried today. And i've drunk about 2 litres. oh the mystery of my body.

Anyway, now ive nicely avoided talking about what i was crying about (its a skill, y'know) I shall wrote about other things.  I'll write about how I saw the guy from the ED servicethis morning, and how much that helped. And How all this shit came pouring out if me, stuff i've never told anyone before and then it was all there al laid out in front of me.and him. and i have no idea which little hole it came out of, but i've never hated myself quite as much as i did right then. Because i told him how much i hated my mum. and all the reasons why. all the things i never thought i really knew.

your not supoosed to hate your parents.

and i'll write about how the disability coordinator at the university sent me another snotty email about how i clearly havnt thought abot university at all, because i didnt have the forsight to stash away a ridiculous sum of money for my halls deposit. dear my disability coordinator-i have been living on a approx average of about £5 week for the last year, which doesnt really leave much room for savings, although i do aplogise for having the audacity to think that the university might help me. And i'm so sorry that I was upset when i was talking with you. but, being disability coordinator, you'd obviously know that one of the defining factors of an eating disorder is a lack of self esteem, and self worth. And im sorry if im ruining your statistics by being the resident nutter at the school, but i actally thought it was your job to try and support me, and not make me feel like im stupid to think i could manage this course.

and i'll write about how scared i am about going to london on thursday for my final OH checks, given how delightful recent correspondance with the  university has been.

And i'll write about how desperately i want to cut myself to pieces right now, and about how the fact that im not-because i will fail my OH chech mustmean i have massive commitment to this course.

and i might even write about how alone i feel

about the nightmares ive been having

and i might just about mention that i feel like everyone hates me, because, well im such a pleasnt ball of fun to be around right now.

and maybe i could write about how desperate i feel for someone to be here, and to not need anything from me. tojust be here for me. to just hug me and tell me its ok.

and how much i hate this fucking bag of piss strapped to my leg.

but i wont write about how much i miss my mum.and how confused i feel. i hate her. i love her. but i really, REALLY wish she were hear. thats all really.

i cant talk about that.ever.

the marvels of tinfoil

I am the unicath!!! if you look really close, you can see the horn attatched to my catheter bag! I am sooo tired of the cath bag thing now. its been a couple of months since the probs started, and 3 weeks straight of being home with the bag. I have lost count of how many times they have leaked or broken in public places, or come disconnected ( always happens in bels house too!). its driving me MAD. But hey, i am the UNICATH. i have a slight obsession with unicorns, and my friends obliges and made me hooves and horns. LOVE LOVE LOVE

if you think you can; or you think yo cant, your right. so which is it?

catch phrase of my life.

Last week has been sooo stressfull, but im so greatful to my friends. I cant belive how lucky i am to have such brilliant mates, who are trying to help me figure all this stuff out. Im trying to convince the uni to accept a smaller deposit for halls until my bursaries and loans come through, and my fab friends have been fighting my corner for me. and providing me with a pair of trainers (and furry leopard print plimsolls from the reject bin in asda to take the sting out of it!).

see, when you hit a real depressive slump, its easy to not see the people around you and how much they care. Ive had a lot of issues myself accepting that people who offer to help dont do it from guilt or cos they feel they have to. cos i guess ultimately-people are just too selfish generally to think that way. i dont mean that as harsh as it sounds-it sounded a lot better when HTT worker said it to me. People help beacuse they want too and cos they care, and i think the prob was i feel like 'why the heck do they care about me'. but i feel overwhelmed with supoort and sparkly lovliness right now.

and how genuinely BRILLIANT my friends are.

cos if you think you cant do something; or you think you can-well your right. and its up to you to chose which way its gonna be.

ans you also have to accept that sometimes, me, myself and I, doesnt quite cut it. its ok to accept help.

and i love everyone for it.

thanyou

xxxxxxxxx

A quick post so you all know im still alive...hahaha

i have no internet anymore cos IM  MOVING SOON!!!!!!!!!

i am so excited

i am happy, and nervous, and giddy and its brilliant.

im worried and scared, but its all gonna be good.

my brilliant friends are helping me figure it all out

i have eaten better for 5 days, and no SI for a week ad a half now.

its going to be ok, right?

xxxx