all i really have to say

In a way, this is probably the most pointless thing I've ever written. It's not going to change anything, it's not even going to 'get it off my chest'. Because things dont change, not really, do they? Either I cant let them change, I cant seem to grow and adjust to it. Or maybe its the external things that dont change. But, mosty, its me.Sometimes, I think i've got it all sussed-this magical life mystery- and the it comes and smacks you in the face again.and again. and makes you wonder why you bothered in the first place. Each time it knocks you, it takes longer and longer to pick up and try again. Yes, you learn as you go along. I'll tell you some things I've learnt shall I?

That you've only really got yourself. Because it doesnt matter how much people tell you they care-it doesnt make it better, it doesnt take it away. That you can hate yourself incredible amounts, and that it can get more and more until you feel drowned by it.I have learnt, and I have curved. All the way back to where i started. A complete circle. Because the most important thing i have learnt, is that i have this really special ability to just screw everything up for myself. Its like this inbuilt ability-'oooh something has worked out, quick what can I do to balls it all up'.I get into Uni to study what i wanted, and I fuck it all up by shoving a razor blade into my artery the minute things start to get tough. well, brilliant old me. Tomorow I have a meeting with the head of the faculty to discuss how im coping. This is because in a moment of idiotic weakness i confessed to one of my tutors that i felt like shooting myself cos i was so stressed, and railroaded by the whole situation. ANd how am I coping with that stress? By cutting myself up a little bit more. Apparantly, i havnt already learnt and curved quite enough on that one.

I always thought suicide notes were a little bit odd, yknow. Like, why bother? If it feels that bad, then how the fuck can you even write it down. Maybe thats the real test of how bad I feel. Because I cant even find the energy to even bother with all that. people would find my diary, they would read all about my secrets, my private thoughts. So why give them a headstart. I mean, can you imagine? - 'dear whoever finds me, i cant be bothered to be alive anymore, it hurts too much. please say thanks to Cornall HTT for me'. that would actually be it. Shit, thats actually quite tragic. Thats my life, and thats all i have to say.

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was clever enough to start over, do this and move on. The thing is, I fogot to work in the fact that im the same old me-and thats not counting for very much.

I should have just bled to death while i had the chance. At least I know a sure fore way of getting it right now though. Cos clearly, OD'ing isnt going to work for me, or i would have been gone years ago. I couldnt do anything 'traumatic' like jumping in front of a train, cos I dont want to mess anyone else's life up. ditto jumping off buildings/in front of buses and all that jazz. Hanging. well,  I tried that in cornwall and brought down half my ceiling. So that would need some thought.

I feel horrid. Ive felt horrid for years and i cant see it ever getting better. I dont want to just be going through the motions anymore.

thats all.

the three step guide to having a nervous breakdown....a proven method

1. Finally admitting to one of your tutors that you are severly screwed up, sick of hearing people bitching about you behind your back and wanting to shoot yourself from exam stress. Thus trashing the hard work of the orevious few weeks, which were spent convincing them that you were totally fine, thank you very much.

2. FUCKING PAYPAL. I need to make a payment bigtime and it wont freaking let me and owing the payment is making me freak out and panic bigstyle.

3.Realising that none of your 'uni friends' actually notice if you are there/have been invited or not. And this actually does upset you.

inpatient-ness

how to make me really fucking stressed-

went to see grandpa psyc agian today (as per weds norm) told him i feel like crap and that i was finding it v hard to not cut/restrict/binge/purge blah and he freaked (i swear this was my nornal in cornwall and noone took any notice??) and decided he wants me inpatient. i said no-because of how it might screw up uni, but that i would think about it. hmn. he was suspiciously vague about how long it would be for. He did show me around both the general PICU ward and the ED specific ward though, and i dunno. maybe it would help, but for the most part, i think i would be freaking out and worrying about school. and i have exams in 2 weeks, hello timing. Why could i not have had decent help offered to me before i got to uni?? i just really really dont want to be putting my life on hold for longer. dont tell me in young, plenty of time and all that-cos it doesnt wash. ive spent so long just bumbling along with no aim, and i need this. I just needed the help, possibly, before i started. but i want to try and carry on. its so damn  hard.

amyway, so tomorow, i guess i have to talk to uni about how going IP is going to screw things up.great. cos im only just convincing them its all good in the hood right now.

fucks sake.

i dont know what to do. this is when, i occasionaly think, having family who give a shit might actually be slightly useful.

its just really hard

It all feels so hard right now.

i feel like the biggest bitch right now....

I feel like such a bitch right now. Housemates in the kitchen, which is opposite my room, with music on-its not mega loud but i can hear it pretty loud cos my rooms so close, and i could feel myself getting really wound up at them, so went and really nicely asked if they could turn it down a bit-which they did, straight away-but they all looked at me like i was a total freak for asking, and that it was this massive inconvienience. I know its reasonable to ask them, but theres no way of doing it without looking like a total killjoy, and now i feel like a massive bitch. The thing is, if id just left it, i would have got more and more pissed off, and that frustration would have turned on me (for being annoyed at something so petty) and i would have ended up having SI issues. So i know from that point of view i was right to say something, but i still feel like an idiot. and like a freak for having to rationalise wanting people to shut up!

when we first moved in, we couldnt really gage how loud was too loud with music and if the person next door could hear it. so im really carefull now, but im also mindful that i probably inadvertantly pissed people off with noise sometimes. So I now feel all anxious that they think im all double-standard-y. But i really need to study, cos i want to do well in these exams to prove to the uni that i should be here. but thats my probem, not theres. arggg feel really anxious. and its so silly. but i hate that ive prob annoyed them loads with my stupidness.

its things like this that make me think im never gonna make it through life.

4 weeks isnt really a long time to do a whole terms worth of work.....

calm calm calm. look at kings of  leon email conformation. calm calm calm.

4 weeeks!!!!OMG!! i cant do this.its not like college when i actually could do the work, it was just the volume of it that made it such a bitch in the timeframe i had, but this time- i dont even understand most if it.FUCK i dont know what to do. I dont even know if im going to be here in another 4 weeks, which isnt really helping either. Grandpa psyc is being a lege though-he was really pisssed at what the uni were doing, and told me he would tell them that kicking me out would probably finish me off and that i need focus blah blah, which might help.And that i probably care about being there more than a ot of people cos i had to work on getting my head together and not just the academics, so they should cut me some slack already and be supportive, rather than gestapo-like.

I had to see the head of the physio school the other day, and he surprised me by saying that they were actually seeing that y attendance was ok, well, they must actually be blind. I go to all the foundations of physio practice stuff, unless i have appointments, and all that stuff is registered. And i go to as many practicals as i can. But the big multi discipline lectures for the other modules scare the CRAP out of me cos there are sooooo many people and sooo many bitchy people at that.and sometimes i just cant do it. I see it as sanity preserving-sometimes when i do go i have such meltdowns im useless for days afterward, esp if i end up sitting with idiots that keep taking the oiss out of me for 'that incident', or there version of it anyway.and i alway read through the lectures at home if i dont go. but somehow i think the uni prob takes a dim view. im working on it- for that module we have a block of lectures of 3 or 4 in a row which is quite intense. I make myself go to the first one, and try my hardest to stay for at least the second, but sometimes i just cant. i get to the point where im actually throwing up from anxiety, but i know avaoiding it forever is gonna make it worse.so at least im trying.i really am actually. i wish they could realise this. cos its bloody hard work, and sooo draining. why cant i just be normal?

i dont think venlafaxine is agreeing with me,its still making me feel really sick, and giving me strangeky restless legs-although that could be do to nerve damage from ;that incident' to be fair i spose. Ive started getting a little feeling back in the tp of that eg now and jeeeez it hurts!

new anti anxiety srategy is to look at KOL confirmation of booking slip:) calm calm calm cos i haveto still be sane enough to see caleb!!!!!

sqqqueuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

SQQQQUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

OMG OMG OMG

IM GOING TO SEE KINGS OF LEON IN HYDE PARK!!!!!!!!!!YEH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I STILL HAVE BOTH MY KIDNEYS!!!!!!

IM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!

EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

BEST PRESENT EVER, THANKYOU!!!!!

XXXXXXXXX

if i were a moomin, thigs would be better....

They really would! I could shake my little moomin tail and and do a little happy moomin dance and spend my days playing with snorkmaiden and sniff and snuffkin.

Heres one I drew earlier, when i probably should have been doing some work...

oh crap

its four weeks until my exams and im soo behind. doubled with the fact i dont even know if im still going to be at uni in four weeks time. this whole process is literally killing me.I cant bear not knowing what the plan is at the best of times, but this would really screw everything up, and make me homeless all at once. And i want to be a physio dammit. and il be a good one. raaaah.

I have the most overwhelming urge to cut right now. it would take my head away from all this and let the pressure out in the only way i really get, to be honest. It somehow makes it an even more attractive option knowing that it is most def not an option. not with occupational health and all the other shit.

SHIT i hate this. I also know, that if i did cut again right now, id do exactly the same thing on the other side, and this time i wouldnt be calling for help. why caqnt i just be normal?fucks sake. all week ive had grief from just about everyone, occ health, cmht, uni staff, and other students. I sat in a lecture theatre n thursday and the people sitting around me spent 4 HOURS taking the piss out of me. people look at me funny, sneer at me and generally make me feel even shitter than i already do.thanks for that. on top of this, it appears to be mental health awareness week. everyday there has been at least one session on mental health, behaviour and professionalism or other similar bollocks. and people are so fucking ignorant it makes me cry, literally. and this people want to be health professionals.fucking great, well done georges.thats a fine selection of people you have this year.

ive had to change the dressings on my wound 8 TIMES today. its still literally pouring fluid out, when the pressure builds up it get fairly projectile too, funtimes. its costing me a fortune in dressings,cos for some idiotic reason doc wont prescribe them, and people dont seem to realise that im getting through about 15 a day right now. yummy. ive spent £45 in boots  in a week on dressings, and tape and saline satchets to clean it with. and occ health have the cheek to ask me if its not healing cos ive been interfering with it!! ive finished a really hardcore course of antibiotics now and its no better, so im going to have to try and beg a docs appt tomorow, bet thatl be easy, not.

something nice happen please.

xxx

on being the poster girl for messing things up'.

So, I think i'm about to lose my place at Uni. which is pretty shot considering it was, really, the only thing i really had going for me. And its my own stupid crappy fault for fucking up with the self harm.

What makes it really hard to swallow is that it was getting better. If i hadnt of given in that day and cut myself, if i hadnt called for help, then the uni wouldnt have found out. Interestingly we seem to have gone from them being supportive, to 'anything you say will be used against you'. Basically, the uni-occupational health-want access to my psyc notes from the CMHT, and if i dont agree, then i am being non compliant with the conditions of being on the course, ie openess about my mental health. So ive been railroaded into the mother of all catch 22's. Because i have to agree to info sharing to stay here, but in that, they will find out what i have been saying to the psyc at the cmht. which, if im honest is not going to do me any favours.at all.. And now, i dont feel able to talk to anyone, because i dont know who will have access to what i am saying. So now i have all these millions of appointmets, to which my attendance is monitored, and my engagement in the sessions is also noted, except i cant say jack shit without digging myself the biggest grave known to mankind. Also, while the staff were busy being 'supportive', they refered me to the progress monitoring commitee, WITHOUT TELLING ME. so i go to occ health on monday to what i think is an appt to get me signed off pracs cos of the injury, and all get tols that little nugget of info. which means at the emd of the month, they gonna decide if om fit to carry on with the course-decided on wether they can offer me adequate support. On top of this, ive also been bullied into starting to take the venlafaxcin, which is making me feel fabulous, NOT. Because occ health told me it would be deemed unprofessional and unaccetable for me to not follow advice and take the drugs.and they would be checking with cherries on top.

Now, im not saying occupational health dont have a right to check that i am safe to train, and that i will not affect patients that may be in my care in a negative way. I understand their role, and what they are doing. I just didnt think it was in their job spec to bully someone into compliance, by threatening then with exclussion if i dont agree to everything they say. I want to be here, therefore i am more than happy to do, within reason what they want. I go to their appointments, i engage, and i say as much as i feel able to. I show them my scars, i let them check for new wounds so they know im not lying. which is pretty degrading actually. But if they were genuinely being supportive, wouldnt they want me to have a space i felt confident and safe to talk in.cos at the moment im not going to tell anyone anything real, cos its going to come back and hit me in the face tenfold. Does that make sense? cos noone seems to get where i'm coming from with this. to his credit, grandpa psyc was PISSED when i explained all this, and was actually really upset i;d been pushed into the meds, because he wanted me to take them in my own time, thus ending up trusting him more, and not feeling that the decision wasnt mine.

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggg

please dont take this away from me. i really need this place.i need this chance to do something, and move forward. I really dont know what im going to do if they kick me out.

you've got problems when breathing feels like too much bother...

I'm officially the girl with no friends. No, seriously. I am literally the only person in the lectures we have with the other healthcare professions that has no one to sit and giggle with. I am the wall hugger. You'll find me about halfway down on the left hand side. It really fucking hurts when you find out the people you thought were your friends have been laughing at you behind your back. oh well. Don't tell me im not in Liverpool now-cos if one more person says that to me im going to go barmy. I mean, theres a lot of simialritities. My room is pretty much identical, and i hate my flatmates. I dont have any friends, and ive fucked up any chance i did have of making any by being the crazy girl that slashed herself up in halls. well, thats todays version of it. ive been comparing the rumours, there is quite a lot of variation in them.I'm also officially about to fail.why do occupational health keep bringing up how much i have been absent from lectures, when the main reason i have missed them, apart from the few days i was in hospital, is because they always schedule my appointments right in the middle of 'really dont miss this' lectures and practicals?how can they not see the link?and how stressed they are making me for getting more and more behind. No, i cant concentrate on your stupid pointless sessions, because im too busy worrying about when i am going to be able to catch up with yet MORE missed work.


its guy forkes tonight. evryone has gone to various displays, but even if i wasnt so antisocial i wouldnt have gone, cos i dont do fireworks-here's the laughable version of why not (from my very old blog!), but you have to admit, its pretty tragic that the first thing i thought was 'oooh if everyone is going out tonight-in the rain,  nutters- that means i can get a machine in the laundry to do my washing without waiting for hours!!! i think ive got issues. I just spent friday night doing my washing.and was perfectly happy with that until i realised just how tragic that was, and that it was prob something to do with why i dont have any friends.hmn.said washing is drying in my room right now.what once would have consisted of a fabulous collection of 'omg dont even thing about machine washing that' pretty dresses and oddball shorts has now entirely been replaced with tracksuits. what has happened to me. i cant even remember when i last put a bow on, its just too much effort. its hard enough bothering to breathe right now.

what am i ment to do next to make this better?

xxx

what to make of it?pass.

i went to see GP today, and at this surgery you dont have a specific doc, just whoever is on duty. todays delightful doctor told me to 'just look at all my nasty scars and think how unattractive they are next time i want to do any of that silly cutting business'.wtf. anyway, she then made me go to the walk in centre at the hosp cos they didnt have a nurse free to take the skin clips out (wtf). so after waiting 3 hours there (bye bye afternoon lectures-no wonder im so fucking behind) they get taking out and it hurt so much, cos of all the pressure from the infection i actually couldnt take it. all of the skin and on my stomach and down my thigh, and round my back is burning hot-you can feel the heat coming off it over the top of a jumper!-so even touching the skin around it is painful, and makes me want to vomit, let alone anything else. they took the last clipout and the wound burst open and all this fluid came flooding out, so much of it that it filled a freaking jug (people i told you it hurt!how did the doc on saturday miss this???)so they sent me back to A&E where i had to wait another 2 hours for the surgical team to come and look. the same dudes who did the operation, coincidently. and very unethically, they were like 'how the hell have you been to the GP twice, and A&E on tuesday and NOONE has refered you back to us, cnsidering you have a massive abscess right nest to an artery repair.hello, people, septacaemia risk x 1 million'. but now the fluid is continuosly pouring out (and very attractive it is too) i can put knickers on without crying from having something touching my skin, which is def progress me thinks. its been driving me actualy crazy every time i put a dressing on it, clothes on, just from touching the skin near it and the pressure literally made me sob. so i might even be able t go to slepp tonight without waking up a sweaty betty and puking from infection-ness cos its all leaking out baby!

sleepy sleepy

xxxx

Bad day

bad bad bad day.

this is the kinda day that makes me forget how much the freaking op wound hurts, disregard it, and do it again.particulary now i know how to make it fairly disasterous. All i really want to do is rip it open and slash that stupid branch artery open again.  Fuck i want to do it soo bad right now,ARG FUCKING HELL.

ok so right now i think im supposed to work out whats making me so stressed/doomed/depressed/appropriate word fails me. Ok, so ironically its the op wound thats pissing me off because it hurts like a bitch and the absess/haematoma thingy under it filled up again overnight, and decided to empty itself whilst i was in a freaking practical class earlier. which was really really gross, and yes i did cry. so now that everyone thinks om even more of a freak, how the heck i am ever going to make some actual friends here. everyone is so cliquey already, and the people i naturally would want to be friends with, im just too quiet and get forgotten, and dont fit in, yknow. And im not cool enough to pull off the 'i dont need friends my own company is enough thing'. The work load snuck up on me. one minute it was easy as pie, all the stuff ive done a million times before leaving me enough time to be a headcase without it causing issues, and all of sudden its a million times harder, thoroughly overwhelming (we have to learn more anatomy than a medic, and they teach all of it in a fucking fortnight!!!), and then i make it a while lot worse by dealing in my eneviatable way, landing up in hospital and missing loads more.which makes me even more stresses. And now uni think im officialy nuts, (and CMHT for that matter) i have all these ENDLESS occupational health appointments, and psyc appts and on it fucking goes (not just grandpa psyc from cmht, also have to see uni' psyc, why did i want to come to a proper medical school again??) which makes me miss more and more work, cos they cant seem to understand that actually, i DONT HAVE ANY FREE TIME ARG and no time is a good time, actually, for an appt. And i cant do any of my other 'arg im stressed cures', like playing katy perry REALLY LOUDLY for ten minutes until i feel better, or go in a different room away from it or all the other stuff cos i live in freaking halls which i HATE.  I think even george the skeleton wants me to chill out, because i just accidently knocked several f his teeth out.sorry george, i will but some glue tomorow. then my tutor forgot to tell me she was off sick today, which was freaking annoying cos i pretty much dragged my gammy leg/tummy in this afternoon for nothing, and the 20 min walk to uni is currently taking me an hour, so im not that amused.

ive got a doctors appt right bang in the middle of a set of lectures tomorow, which is really fucking annoying. and im now on my fourth set of clothes today cos my stupid wound has leaked its gammyness over everything i own today.multiple times.yummy. and then my old friends from london have NO FUCKING CONCEPT OF THE FACT THAT I DONT HAVE NEVER ENDING SUPPLIES OF TIME TO SOLVE THEIR DRAMA's, and that i realy dont give a shit. my old friend from college is always nagging me to go and see her, and i dont want to.it takes hours to get there, which i really dont have, it costs a fortune to get there , and i just dont want to actually. and she moans when i try and leave to go home, so end up spending soooo long there. and is still cant ever manage to get in the kitchen without someone following me in there and asking endless questions about what im cooking/having for dinner etc etc PEOPLE CANT YOU SEE THAT I DONT WANT YOU TO FUCKING NOTICE/TALK TO ME ABOUT IT WHICH IS WHY ITS 2AM AND IM MAKING MY DINNER YOU KNOB.AFTER IVE WASHED ALL MY STUFF UP SO I CAN USE IT, THANKS FOR THAT.

I think ive actually lost it. and i still feel like i want to cut myself to pieces.

stress, dunno what that means.

firstly, i just have to get this out of my system-

OMG OMG OMG OMACTUALGOD!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

KINGS OF LEON ARE PLAYING IN HIDE PARK THIS JUNE!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!THIS IS LIKE THE OST EXCITING THING EVER!!!!!!

have decided that the only thing i can do is to sell a kidney or two on ebay, and throw in my liver too, because i HAVE to be there!!cos how else am i going to have caleb's lovechild? and besides, its high time i saw them, being there most longstanding and devoted fan in the world ever!i loved them when they were all hairy and unknown when 'red moring light' first came out. and FANS! i listen to that song for hours on repeat, no kidding, ask all my neighbours ive had since that song came out lol. KINGS OF LEON!PLAYING THE BEST GIG VENUE KNOWN TO MAN KIND!!

i will find a way of being there!dammit, il sell all my limbs too :P

anyway, moving on. (but i will be back to KOL, you can count on it!) so, on sat i went to the docs, and not only was she so crap she didnt give me any painkillers, she is officially stupid. turns out i was right when i thought the op wound wasnt looking too good. its got a mahussive haemotoma under it, which has made my whole tummy turn pretty much solid, and the skin staples are straining open under the pressure. i bloody knew it wasnt right, but she wouldnt listen to me!also, slightly worringly, i cant feel half my leg. they said there would prob be nerve damage, which would recover in time, cos i cant feel anyone touching my skin across my thigh, all the way around. but the area this is has got quite a bit bigger over the last day or so.im hoping its because of all the pressure from the gunk trapped under the wound. its driving me mad, cos i get these weird itchy sensations, and sometimes it randomly feels like someone is pouring hot liquid over it. So i had to go back to A&E today and they literally popped me!was sooooo gross. have now got industrial strength antibiotics, and if itsd not looking better by thursday, it has to be surgically drained.how fun, cant wait. hmn, maybe i should look online and see if anyone has a fetish for pus...i could supply in return for kol hahahahaha

man i feel shit. I feel really ill and sore from being all infected.ewww. the guy in the room next to me asked if i could die quietly yesterday, cos he was trying to study hahaha. said he would go and get me some bloody painkillers himself if it ment id stop crying all night, cos 'i cant take hearing a girl crying anymore, its making me feel all soppy!'hahaahhaahahahhahahahahhahahahahaah. oopsy. i was in a bit of a state night before last though.it hurt SO MUCH and then i just randomly started throwing up everywhere, bathroo was like swimming pool of vomit in about 5 mins, was sooo gross.which we can now put down to having a temp from the infection.

i got cleared to start back at uni yesterday eveing, so today was my first day back, which was REALLY scary. we had practicals this morning, so couldnt even hide in the corner of a lecture theatre, and i nearly bottled it and didnt go, but was glad i did. the little gang that i hang out with (the flatmates of the girl that called the ambulance) were all lovely, and were like 'long time no see', and gave me a hug, and were just normal. and one fo the girls who caqme to see me in hosp was in my prac group and said it was really nice to see me, and plonked herself next to me, which made me feel better. and a girl that i got the worst fit of giggles with in a lecture a the beginning of term paired up with me, so it was ok in the end. i missed so much work, but i do know how to assess a shoulder join for full range of movement lol. oh, and ive made George, my skeleton (physio's get a life sized skeleton to play with over the year) a hat to keep him warm for winter.love george lol. we had a little chat earlier, and he told me that he would like a monocle. i can just see it, rekon george was v clever and vv dignified man who behaved impecably at all times. i've become quite attatched to him of late, may have to forfit my £25 deposit and keep him at the end of the year hahaha. think should try and get him a suit from charity shop also, he'd like that :)

haha i looked at my blog stats the other day, and some brave sole has been reading my blog from the begining. I cant even understand the dodgy spelling in half my posts, so dont know hw anyone could want to read em all hahaha, and seriously, its the most depressing thing in the world.

right, must do some reading for tomorow (aka put my kidney up for sale on ebay)

xxxx