TRIGGER WARNING SI holy crap

i've got the worst SI urges right now to do something pretty bad. arrrg i dont know how much longer i can fight it for.

ive been out for a walk. I've spent a while mucking about setting a facebook group up.I've cleaned every inch of my flat.I've triee dreading, and ive listened to some shouty angry girl music.i listened to some 90's rubbish for good measure too.I even thought about getting out the emergency pot of playdough, but decided that in itse3lf would probably iss me off enough to make it end badly.

i just feel dirty and scummy and horrible. I really wanted to try and talk about things a bit with home treatment team today, but saw someone i saw last summer when i had them also-and she knows i used to ride a lot, and about my ponies and stuff, so all she ever wants to do is talk horses, and it does my fricking head in. when im not feeling particulary fabulous, talking ponies just hirts my head and makes me think about being a stresses out kid. I felkt like i was giving her a bloody lesson in stable management!

the thing is, you can kid yourself that one teeny little cut will make it all go away, i swear i have SI amnesia or something, because once its popped into my head, its this irresistable thing-and i totally forget it doesnt work until ive cut, got nothing out of it, so have had to make it significantly worse to get any sort of release from it.

short of actuallt cutting my hands off(which prob rates pretty high on the SI scale anyway!) i dont actually know what to do right now