weight

God i really want to lose weight. I feel hideous. In fact, its no want, so much as need. Im HUGE and i cant take it anymore.

chronic fatigue

I really dislike wishy-washy diagnosis's. So the whole 'chronic fatigue' thing doesn't sit well with me. Mostly because there is a popular school of thought in society that says that its just an excuse to be lazy-and I dont 'do' lazy. That'l be the eating disorder.

But I am so so tired all the time. Nothing seems to make any difference. Walking 2 feet makes me feel out of breath. And im not THAT unfit. And my rational self knows that even being a little overweight does not cause this degree of tiredness and breathlessness. Obviously i know the Ed is the cause. And I know that being this depressed does not help - I know im on the wrong meds, but currently my Ed service does not have a consultant - waiting for new one to start, so just have to sit it out. I always get very tired when my mood drops. But the last few weeks have been ridiculous. I slept through 2 days straight and then felt worse than ever.

i can see how my Ed makes me tired...the being sick/electrolyte imbalances etc...but how come it never improves when i manage better days of eating and not being sick?

Whats there to get better for if im too tired to notice it?

having a bad day

you know, im fed up with people thinking that people with anorexia are far sicker than people with other kinds of ED's. Its just not true. Yes, i would agree thats its more visible to others - which makes getting help a WHOLE lot easier, let me tell you. But i really feel like my ED-not anorexia, but bulimia/EDNOS - is going to kill me. Its got me  and i feel merciless to it. it says i do. shit. I think a lot about suicide. But actually, when i think about death, i actually think im far more likely to die with my head over the toilet. happy days. my heart pounds, i get breathless walking a couple of steps and i feel like crap. And yet im still not eligible to go back to day patient treatment whilst waiting for an inpatient admission - because im not anorexic. London services, full to breaking point, now are only catering to those severly underweight. because thats fair, right? I puke up blood everyday, but im not underweight, so its a no go. it should not be this hard to get treatment and support.

dunno

i just feel so so sad all the time.

never ending tiredness

i could sleep for about 10 years and i think i would still be tired. I spend all day counting down how long i have until i can go back to bed..that cant be right??

hormone madness

So, a couple of months back, I mentioned to my clin psyc that I thought I could link my low mood to my periods - so my mood plumments just before and during my period, and I get ridiculously teary about a week before it starts. So we decided I would try taking the pill again - which I haven't for years- and this is the first month I have been on it. I'm 3 days into the 7 day break, and omg i have never had such god awful PMS in my whole life. I've had period pain the whole month long, and now I literally feel like my blood is boiling and have the worst cramps :( 

Also not sure its had any effect on my mood- i know its just the first month, but given how its bad enough having period pain for a week, let alone the whole month, I think I might give this idea a miss. 

on the plus side, yesterday i got as far as dissmantling a disposable razor to get the blade out, but then got back in control of it and just threw it away. I think I just needed the comfort of the routine or something. 

*trigger warning SI*

I'm having really bad Si urges tonight. I Haven't cut for almost 2 years now, but tonight i feel totally consumed by it. I just want that old feeling of relief back. I cant get my stress level down and i feel so wound up and tense and just full...of i dont know what.

I want to cut so bad. I think i miss the routine of it. Cut/get stitched up/sleep it off. It was really reassuring. My self harm was at its worse when i was living in Cornwall, before I came to Uni in London, and beside from the release of the cutting - 'the man that hurts so bad i feel monged out' kind of feeling, the predictable-ness of it was probably what helped. I'm a person that likes certainty. I also like to know that I can feel blocks of time-my depression gets a LOT worse when i have a lot of unstructured time, and i got stuck in a pattern of cutting for hours at a time, in a very planned way-put a familiar film on, glass of wine maybe, and then just spend hours making the same cut worse and worse, until i couldnt put off going to A&E anymore. The long wait in A&E filled time, the immense throbbing pain from the wound blocked how bad i was feeling out, and the doctors/nurses there knew me well enough to know what was wrong and that i was dealing the best i could-because they knew my background-i was gradually able to tell them how i felt.

I guess i feel really loss again, and SI feels like something familiar. I have to keep telling myself that it would be really different if i started again-the consequences would be a whole lot worse-getting pulled out of my degree course, losing my therapy (not self injuring is in my 'therapy contract') and just the fact that london services are very different-and my local A&E staff have zero understanding of SI and treat it as a massive 'time waste'. Even so, i bought blades for the first time in a long while yesterday. I just out them in the bathroom cabinet, but i feel better knowing they are there. I guess i need to get rid, but feels so hard.

I think its part of the huge nostalgia stage i am going through at the moment. I miss a lot of things from a few years back, and recently ive really been struggling with my best friends being so far away when we used to live pretty close a few years back. I loved being down the road from my best friend.

I feel kind of aimless right now. Its nearly christmas-which i find hard, but i feel so low that just nothing matters anymore. I don't care about anything really anymore-other than my friends still liking me (a constant stress) and life just feels so pointless.

i just feel really crappy. and hungry. but eating is so scary right now. My ED is calling the shots right now, and i guess i just wish it would kill me and put me out of my misery now, because its just so hard.

im so tired with it all. I hate sounding so pathetic.