pulling it together

Last night I had dinner-not much-but i had it-and for the first time in a REALLY long time i didnt purge afterwards.I just sat with it. Is feeling full really the worst thing in the world? It feels like it-theres no denying.I hate that feeling. But its because of what feeling that way MEANS that i hate it do much-what it represents. Which means that i have to seperate the physical feeling of being full from the emotions attatched to it.

But also-well it felt like i was sticking two fingers up at ED.one for mum, and one for me.

Cos thats the best thing i can do isnt it. Whats the point of being another Ed victim.I never wanted that-so why should i let it happen now?I want to see what else i could be. Im super cool haha.im the biggest loser in loserville.and thats ME.really me, and i like parts of that. and i'm not letting ed take any more of that from me, not now.Its taken my mum, and its dictated how i try and live my life to.but no more. It wont get me anywhere-look where it got mum. I love my mum. but i also think that i miss the idea of how it could have been.she didnt mean for it to be shitty.Im pretty sure she didnt mean for me to turnout this way.Sje wanted me to be what she couldnt-because thats what ED wanted. and ihave to get over that, and realise that it doesnt have to be that way.

fuck you Ed.you've taken my mum, but your not taking me

Its like Katie said on my last couple of posts, what you have all been saying for a while now, through all of this.Life seems to throw endless rubbish at you, kick you while your down. But you have to be around to know wether its going to get better-if your going to find the good stuff. And i will!

Giving in now-letting Ed win again-well, its not going to achieve anything.And i would never know if i'd made the right decision-by deciding to end it all-because-i wouldnt bloody well be here to know. thats logical right?and im a logical person-so that obviuosly means i have to stick around to find out!

I miss my mum.But i think i miss the idea of what it could have been like.she wqas miserable, ed won-and maybe it was the only way she could see.

but i already have one advantage on that-in that i can SEE that i want things to be different-they could be different. Because i can make the right choices now that help it to be that way-I can make them, not ed.

theres this book i love, and ive probably written this before-'Biting the hand that starves you-inspiring resistance to anorexia and bulimia', by Epston and Maisel

'Ed takes away the pain...replace sit with something to focus on that you can do.in a sense...it rescues you.Ed cares for you in the beginning.it saves your life.then it kills you'

'I paid Ed to carry my bad feelings...i couldnt afford to pay Ed to carry my abuse, for carrying the horrendous feelings associated with it.i had spent all i had, paying in small amounts,over many years, losing weight, becaoming a slave, losing my freedom, over the years.I paid by disconnecting.
Ed started demanding payback...'ok, i'll carry the abuse, but abuse is expansive.you'll have to pay me with your life'
Both from 'Emily's story'

makes you think