DO i have 'please feel free to throw crap at me' written on my head or something??

I sometimes wonder, I really do

And i mean that literally too. Bloody seagull just shat all over my head for THE SECOND TIME IN A WEEK!! sometimes I really hate living in cornwall!

So, i went to college this morning, could only stay for the first lesson, because i had my discharge meeting/care review this afternoon, but i didnt want to use that as an excuse to chicken out of going. Also thankyou to my lovely friend who lent me the money to get to college:) college sucks.I'm pleased that I went, and pleased that I didnt bolt out of there after 10 mins in floods of tears like i wanted to. Let me explain soemthing about college in cornwall. There are 2-one on XXX, where all the cool people go, and one in XXX-which is the pikiest place on the planet!Guess which is the one that does my pre-physio course??!! I was having such a 'im so fat and hidious' freak out this morning, but eventually managed to get dressed and out of the door. So i rocked up to college, and went to class. within 5 minutes of being there, 3 people had sniggered at what i was wearing (i actually take this as i sign that i looked awsome!), and everyone in my class kept asking me why i hadnt been in forever. So i manged to mumble some kind of excuse about family stuf, and being ill, when lovely Jack came and plonked himself next to me, gave me a massive hug and a big smooch on the forhead:) cutie. which earned me a 'death stare' from the girl that fancies the pants off jack (actually, come to think of it, so do i!). And i'm like, jeeezus!im 25!and i feel like im back at secondary school!its soo demoralising. I really dont think people realise how much a snide comment can actually really hurt someone. Then my tutor came in, and in front of everyone asked how i was feeling about mum, and how did the funeral go etc etc...ARG. I'd had to email him to explain my even more prolonged absence, and figured (vague) honesty was the best policy. So that was all kinds of fun. Then spent the next half hout hiding in the toilets literally sobbing, when jack came to find me, and convinced me to go back to class with him and gave me a big hug.which actually, i really needed.

Ileft at lunchtime to go to my discharge meeting thingy, got there, and was then told that my CPN had double booked herself, so couldnt be there.NICE.handy consiedering HTT were going to transfer my careplan back to her! Anyway, I dont have HTT anymore, my CPN had disappeared of the face of the Earth, and I still dont have any sort of counselling or therpay sorted out. I went to the docs earlier and asked to be refered to grief counselling through the surgery-was told that my problems were a bit to complex for the surgery counseller...WTF, am i total freak or something!

ok, i know i'm being pittyfully (is that a word?) sorry formyself right now...but just indukge e for 5 mins yeh.
i'm just wondering what WOULD need to happen in order for me to get some help down here.I KNOW its uo to me to change.im outting the effort in, im trying, i just want to talk to someone to get thois stuff out, and have some guidance regarding food.


hmn.i think i'd quite like an umbrella to protect me from the next enevitable downpour of shit.

xxx