Thanks for all the support, it means ever such a lot to me.
Basically, mum took a massive overdose, but because her systems are already really compromised becasue of her anorexia, it has hit her real hard. She also took the pills over a few days, so its all been 'taken in' if that makes sense.So shes in intensive care on various machines, and me-well i've just had it with knobs on now.
I go a bit like this-cry, SI, feel ashamed, binge, purge, cry, SI...
The thing is, my mum triggers me so much. she tried to compete with me as a child, and she encouraged my illness, through her own. i waitched her lose weight, and i saw the effect it had mentally on her-the kick she'd get from it.I saw the evidence of SI, and saw how at least her massively volatile mood had changed and evened.
so where am i now?im my own person, in my own right.I'm dealing with the consequences of my actions-but i cant help partly feeling that they are my mums too. I felt suicidal too. thats why i ended up in hospital a few weeks back. At times, i still feel it now, but i can also see through it a little better now.
im finding this very difficult to deal with. And i dont really understand why, but its reinforcing all those bad thoughts in me again. except, trying to explain this to my brother a little got me the response'that id just have to deal with it, cos mums the one with the problem'.well yeh, she is.and then some. but a little understanding would be nice right now. How selfish is that of me though. And this whole indifference i feel with the situation-my mum is very ill, and its not really provoking any kind of emotional reaction from me-except for triggering the hell out of me.so am i the worlds most self centered person or what, cos i dont understand.
my brother had a massive go at me for not going out to spain to see her.but i just CANT.i feel like its just me and 'my old friends Ed and SI'. well, i guess essentially-thats how its always been. I hate this shit. and why isnt there like ONE sane member if my family??
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
I don't have anything helpful to say...just thought I should warn you :)
Family's are hard (albeit your's sounds harder than most.)I'm so sorry about this crazy difficult situation with your mum and brother. I really want you to be able to find someone to talk to, is there ANYWHERE you could find some one?
I'm still thinking of you tons. i SO wish I could help and just wrap you in a giant cotton wool ball to protect you.
You are so precious.
xxxxx
I'm so sorry about this. Don't feel selfish about this--feeling numb or indifferent is really not that uncommon when something like this happens. It doesn't make you a bad person. And if you can't go see her, you can't. You need to do what you need to do to make sure things are ok for you and that you are taking care of yourself. And if that means you can't go see your mom then you can't. I know that if my dad was in a similar situation I wouldn't be able to go see him either. It's not your fault. Your mom has a lot of problems, but you can't solve them for her and it won't do any good for you to make yourself sicker by trying.
Please take care of yourself. I'm thinking about you.
xoxo.
Your problems are just as real and serious as your mum's or anyone elses for that matter. I'm so sorry about what happened, but ultimately you do have to look after you, and if this means indifference or some distancing then this may be what is necessary to help YOU cope.
Try to talk to someone about this, because the more people who can reassure you about the need to priotitise your own mental and physical health right now, the better. You matter, and your feelings and wishes ARE important.
Sarah x
I just want to say I'm thinking of you hun! I can't think of anything else that would make you feel better, but you are in my thoughts!
*hugs*
Sarah
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