Have you ever felt like every minute of the day lasts an hour? Time is going soo slowely its driving me mad. But its not just 'time', its me as well. It takes me an age to do the simplest of things. A life in slow-mo. im so incredibly tired, but im so tired of life too.
I havnt slept for more than a couple of hours for about a week now. Each night i wake up spinning out from flashbacks and bad dreams, and spend the rest of the night terrified of what might happen if i fall asleep again. In the grand scheme of things, this probably a fair part of the reason i feel so done it right now. Im also going to go have blood tests on monday, cos Home treatment keep jabbering on about anaemia and other deficiences that can make you feel pretty rubbish.
see when you find yourself literally wishing your days away, you've got to wonder what the point of beng alive anymore actually is.I just dont see it. Maybe thats how it is for my mum too. I got a phonecall from my brother about an hour ago to say that she tried to kill herself again.I've lost count of how many times shes done this. When i was a kid, a couple of times i got back from school i found her out of it on drugs, or having tried(and failed) to hang herself. Enough of this already. I used to hate hate hate her for it.But now i completely understand.
The really bad thing that makes me hate myself even more-i feel very indifferent with regards to what my mum has done.I should care, i should be upset, i should be concerned.maybe its because ive been there, done that, and worn the t shirt to death. maybe because im to exhausted to think about it. Or maybe, its because all my mum has ever done is make my life a misery. obviously, i dont want her to die, not as a slave to ed. But i find it so difficult to actually care for her becasue of all the things she has done to me over the years.its real messy.and then i feelguilty for that, cos well-shes ill.ok, yeh shes in denial and that pisses me off, but shes still ill. and im just a bitch.
slowely
time goes so slowely and your forced to think of every little thing.i just want out.
my head hurts
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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3 comments:
Vicki you are NOT a bitch. Nothing could be further from the truth, and in a way, whilst this may sound harsh, I think you are right to distance yourself a bit from your mum's behaviour, because you have your own stuff to worry about, and you can't solve other people's problems.
At the moment you need to look after you. You've had more than your fair share of tough times, and I think it's about time you had some sunshine.
So here it is, I send you, one smiling sun ;) Wish I could send you something more real/useful...
As my mum always says, 'keep yer pecker up'...not quite sure exactly what her Yorkshire lingo means, but I think it roughly translates as 'keep going'.
Sarah x
VIIIIIIIIIIC
im back online and oh babe im so sorry your feeling rubbish without sleep! i am sending you some guardian thoughts to keep you safe while you slumber!
iv missed our chats and our emails Iv just been all over the show.
i completely understand why you feel the way you do about your mum. and your feelings are valid!
i am glad you have a home tam who is helping you!
your such a special person and you deserve some really good help, so im sending love light and serenity kia kahora :)
*HUGS*
You're such a lovely person.
You need some sunshine, like Sarah said, and I know it's been sunny down here... let the sunshine in and attach bows to everything. Do things for you, do things you enjoy, and take care of yourself, you deserve to put yourself first.
Lots of love, Petal xo
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