My big day

I officially no longer meet any of the diagnostic criteria for a severe eating disorder. The worries that I have around weight and body image would not be enough along to give a diagnosis beyond anxiety.

This is what came out of talking to staff at the day unit today. They ment it in a positive ' be proud look how far you've come' sort of way. so why am I sat here in floods of tears?

Well, I guess it makes me feel like in doing something wrong. I feel like I just lost the only thing that linked me to my mum. On a slightly lesser scale, I feel like I've now lost the people I've come to look to for support- the unit at the staff. And having been there almost a year now, I have developed good relationships within the team. Which I guess seem a bit like replacements for the real life ones I don't have. So being well means breaking the ties with people that I've come to depend on and trust.

It also scares me in the sense that so much still doesn't feel right-like the way my weight can be so consuming, and the way I think about myself and how I look. And how much I still struggle with trying new foods and eating well. It's scary to think that if j went to a doctor now, they wouldn't give me any help.

Yet I still so badly feel I need support so it doesn't slip away.

Don't think I'm not pleased. It's what I was aiming for all along really. But the reality, in such a clinical way is just really scary. And I so desperately want them all to still care. We have had so many new admissions recently, I feel worried about being left to just get on with it because I'm " well".

So it might sound stupid, or ilogical or a million other things, but this is how I feel right now. And instead of feeling damn pleased, it makes me want to curl up and cry. And puke my guys up until I can't stand up anymore.

If that's my reaction, how is it all ever going to be ok? I don't want to be ill I think I'm just scared of all the change that cones with being well- and that seems to cloud all the amazing good things it brings.

I just feel scared and upset and really alone right now. I just want someone in my life to be there and be constant. And that's about me letting them be too, but god I feel so so alone right now.

I've been better...

I really have been better

Feeling very panicky and worried about filling time when I leave the day unit at the end of August. I can't bear going back to being by myself all the time, having no one to talk with, and just the day to day-ness of it all. I can't bear being that lonely again. Even knowing its only a month or so later I go back to Uni isn't helping- because I go back I to a different year, where I know even less people than I did last year, which really is saying something.

The panic and worry is so bad, so there and consuming, that I already think I'd rather be dead.

I can't can't can't do this. I'm so tied of being on my own.