on the importance of nests

how to do this

i dont know how to stand this anymore. Having a really bad night of being sick, and i just feel so low and down and it just wont shift

going back to hospital

So, ive got funding from my local authority to go back to the place i went to over the summer, to do a longer stay there, but they currently dont have any space. which is ok, because my plan is to try and finish my last year if uni, and then go back there to do a really intensive programme based around the trauma work i need to do.

In the meantime, im going back to the day unit at my local service for a short admission (6-8 weeks) to try and sort my bloods out and help with the other symptoms ive been struggling with and my really low mood, the idea being to 'patch me up a bit' for the meantime. I'm not quite sure how i feel about this. On the one hand, its a relief, because i know i will manage to eat there. on the other, i feel like im going backwards, considering i did a recovery programme there - feel like ive let all the staff down.

feeling left behind

I know i should have been able to move on my now. I wish i had, and wish i could. It is really pathetic to still be so caught up in this. I am so ashamed of it. I dont think its so caught up in how i look so more, but more about how i feel about myself. And sometimes that relates to weight, but its more than that - i just feel so worthless.

I know that I am trying to deal with the reasons i got ill now. but i just wish i could wipe it all out, and move on, cos it feels like the 'dealing with it' is making me more ill than the 'coping with it'.

and also i feel really stupid that so many other poeple i know have managed to move past it all. This blog is years old. I dont feel like ive made gains in all that time. and how pathetic is that?

hungry or full

im not sure whats worse, feeling hungry, an the worry of what I can eat, or the utter panic of feeling full.

nothing to this

there is literally nothing to my life right now. I get out of bed, I cry because i cant stand another day of feeling this low and tired and awful and then I brush my teeth, wash and have another meltdown trying to find something to wear that I feel sort of comfortable in. Take my meds and have a slice of toast and a glass of juice. feel guilty about this for the next 2 hours + and cry on the sofa. and time just drags endlessly on all day. i'm on holiday from Uni at the moment, and doing bits if housework, washing, and sort of doing bits of work when i can make my brain work, is overwhelmingly exhausting. Its nothing but it feels like everything. oh god oh god. im so worn out, and im just barely functioning. Then i spend a lot of time worrying about what i am going to eat in the evening, then a whole lot more energy trying to not throw it back up. which i quite often end up doing, because I'm basically really crap.

I'm so lonely. but i am no company right now. I feel so isolated.

I'm better than i have been previously with the eating disorder-its not great by any means, but i have been worse. But i feel totally crippled by depression right now-i feel like its squeezing the life out of me.