erm, so this might be triggering.
I feel ill and miserable, possibly one is the result of the other-ha which can first, the illness or the misery?!
So i had something to eat, then had a proper fit about it.it was horrible, like ED was screaming at me that I was even more hideous and useless, and thats all i could think about. And i tried to sit with it-and managed for about half an hour (which, lame as it sounds, its actually a big step forward for me) but I made myself sick, drunk toms of water to make sure everything was out, then, cleverly managed to puke up a fair amount of blood(sorry, gross, i know). This actually happens quite a lot.the blood thing, i mean. I've had an endoscopy before, and I've got an ulcer from purging, so i always just assume i've irritated it when this happens. I've been to my doc a few times about it, but i dont think they grasp how MUCH blood it is (im talking cups full), and just tell me to stop throwing up (yeh, i know that!) and a few flecks of blood is fine. my stomach has been hurting a lot recently. But to be honest-well i've been hurtin so much fullstop recently, i didnt really notice. i'm really not feeling to fantastic. and this is prob oart of the reason im stupidly anaemic right now. I;m trying to get through to the ot of hours service to see what they think, or see if they can talk to my doc about it.
The other completely idiotic thing that i have done is this. Last night, i cut the arm i NEVER cut.like ever.its always the other, or my stomach, i guess im subconsciosly limiting scarring to certain places or something.i know its a bit weird. but im so pissed with myself that I did that. And it felt sodifferent to my other arm.I guess thats in my head.but im so mad with myself i did that. it does make it a little better to think that it wasnt as bad as normal.and i havnt ourged as much recently, im realy trying with all my might to stop that.i've cut down the amount I was purging, and half the time when it does go wrng-i have managed to sit with it a while longer than before.
arg sometimes i HATE living in cornwall.got no stupid phone signal now grrrr
i feel horrible.ugh, someone give me a bloody good shove PLEASE!!
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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5 comments:
I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I purge all the time and it is just awful awful. but I've never purged up blood and that sounds terrible! and quite frightening! praying for you and your health, darling! because you are worth getting better for!
Argh!! I'm really sorry about all this. Is there any other phone you can use because you really, really should call someone. Throwing up that much blood could be really serious and you should talk to someone right away.
Good for you for sitting with this for as long as you did and please don't give up.
xoxo
Really sad and annoyed at the stupid phone situation - I am HOPING that by the time I am writing this, you will have been able to connect through and talk to that decent person who you can maybe get some help/advice from!
That seems very rare where you are and I HATE that it is this difficult to just get someone to listen and help!!
I am aching for you, the feelings you must be having to purge and si to this extent - OH I SO WANT TO HUG YOU TIGHT & TAKE SOME OF THE PAIN AWAY, I would give anything to do so, because the behaviours you are using are allowing you to cope, yet they are becoming way too dangerous to be used as coping mechanisms anymore.
please sweetheart, please be very, very careful - you have eased off on the purging up until now and that is wonderful, but I am very worried at what is happening now.
The evil ED will have a field day with all of this, and YOU MUST STAY ONE STEP AHEAD OF IT, somehow!!
I can't even comprehend how brave you are, for continually trying and for wanting to reach out for help - I just wish there was SOMEONE WITH A BRAIN IN THEIR HEAD nearby, that would grasp your hand and GIVE YOU the help you deserve!!
PLEASE KNOW WITHOUT DOUBT, how much you are loved, admired and looked up to, by all of us who read your blog - please cling to that!!!
I love you,
Jennifer xxoo
I'm worried about the purging blood thing chick, sounds like you ought to get another check up or something. But there are positives in here, you haven't purged or cut AS MUCH, which is good as is the fact that you managed to sit with the uncomfortable feelings for a little while, and you can still get back on the road to recovery again. Each struggle teaches us something, and we come out stronger having learnt something from it.
Don't forget that you have had some positive victories in spite of the stress going on, so hang on to these, they are evidence of your strength and determination :-)
Sarah x
aw love <3 I remember being really angry with myself when I cut my left arm for the first time in a decade of self harm too, before that I never touched it, although I had scars everywhere else. Try not to beat yourself up too much about it. I am worried about the purging blood thing too - I hope your phone worked in the end.
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