Breaking restrictive eating

Has anyone got any good advice about breaking and overcoming a restrictive eating pattern? 

I've just caught myself staring to restrict. It sneaks up on my when i get stressed, and I've just realised that I've been cutting things out. I've been applying for new jobs, and had some stress in the one and I have, and I'm ending in therapy, and it's nearly Xmas, which is a give thing for me, so it's been stacking up a bit. 

Anyway, I've just realised that I've stared trying to cut a meal out over the last week or so and have 2 instead of 3 by waking up late in the morning. 

I'm feeling scared of trying to go back to 3 because I'm worried il go the other eat and eat too much. Plus my poor, abused tummy quite quickly gets used to less these days and feels even fuller when I increase. 

Does anyone have any tips for breaking restrictive patterns that havnt ended in binging? I'm worries if I just force myself to have breakfast again il panic and be sick- which he these, for me, is worse than restricting as I throw up a LOT of blood and I'm trying to get my tummy to heal. So do I try and eat a little bit more than gradually increase, or just gen in with it?

I'm feeling positive that I've caught myself doing this so quickly,but feeling pissed that its snuck up on me again cos it makes me feel like no matter how well I get, it's always there. Grr. 

Tips on increasing diet and managing fullness please!! Or foods that are healthy and you find make you feel less full- and I mean healthy in a recovery full calorie intake kinda way- not restricting. I have severe ibs, and multiple ulcers and tears in my stomach so any suggestions if "gentle" or non bloaty things appreciated! Esp breakfast options!

Thanks

Taking stock

So, here I am, about 5ish years after starting this blog! I'm now a qualified physiotherapist, and studying a post graduate programme in play therapy. 

Since starting this blog, and after moving to London, I very nearly succeeded in killing myself via self harm (cutting femoral artery. The irony Is that I wasn't even trying to do myself damage at the time. It's frightening g to think back on, but the reason I cut that day was because I was bored out of my nut, felt lonely in my new Uni room, and needed to "feel something". Wake up call, much. Well sort of- but mu h later when I was able to eat and them think ,ore clearly). I have had 2 inpatient stays for ED treatment, and 3 day unit admissions- ow of which being for over a year. I now have outpatient therapy, and occasional dietetic input. 

My very very best friend said to be a few weeks back " that I seem much more stable and same these days". I can't remember exactly what see said, but the essence of it was that I wasn't as mad as I used to be! 

Even on my bad days, I'm. Nothing like how I used to be. My bad days now end in me going to bed early, or staying home, or yes, sometimes making myself sick. But they don't end in A&E admissions and drips and stitches and threatened sections. Maybe that's what recovery will be for me - maybe that's it for now- and heck, maybe even in another 5 years, perhaps the "being sick" won't still be on the list. I guess it's about assessing quality of life, and how much of a hold the ED has. In truth, I think I have come to accept, that for a lot of reasons, I will probably always struggle with food. That's not to say that I'm not better, or not pro recovery - I think it's just a realistic approach to how I manage in the future. If I recognise that it is there, waiting  for me to succumb, I can be more mindful of managing it, sticking my fingers up at it. 5 years ago a CMHT worker god me that I should quit Uni and never live alone. 

I have a very good degree, and I live by myself (happily- I like to live alone. It's a reflection of my past, but also because it makes me seek adventures with people- if I live with others, I often retreat to my room and hide. This is far healthier for me). I'm studying g a post grad course which may lead to funding for a masters. I have a job I love. I have friends, me need to keep working on finding people that are right for me. I have a best best friend who has been there win me the whole way through, who has also achieved so much. Shiz, I will always live you. And I have N amazing horsey sidekick!

Yes, I still fight my ED every day. But who knows  where another 5 years will get me. There's no time limit on getting better. It frustrated me more than anything to learn that I am a "slowly slowly type". My changes have happened over years, rather than months. 

You can still live- really live, not in limbo- but live, breathe and fight, whilst moving forwards in recovery. It's a process, not a trophy which took me years to realise. 

So - am I completely better- no. But that's ok, because one day I will be. Ad in the meantime I am living, not just existing. I have my bad days, when the world falls apart, and the ED slams me, but I also have more and more amazing days- and hell, I have normal days! Like, when you realise life doesn't have to be Disney land everyday to be ok! 

So - this is for the people that commented that I'm pro. And that I'm not trying. And that I do t want to be well. Yes I deleted your comments. Heck I take criticism, and I thought hard before I deleted our words. But I know how hard I have worked to get here, and I don't need that negativity in my life. 

But lastly, and mostly- blog post Is for me, but it's also for shiz- to say I love you, thankyou and your're the  best. Half boarding homie forever! 

I'm not pro ED and never Will be. So sod off! I simply write how I feel, and a lot of the time that's about my ED- but I certainly don't want it. Anyone that has really struggled with this  horrific illness would not want to wish it on anyone. FYI you can't " decide to be anorexic or bulimic". In the sAme way you can chose to get the flu. I will NEVER post about how I make myself sick, or details of how I use behaviours and I'm furious you asked. It's not a game, it's an illness. 

Anyway. The time of this post is positive and I don't want to spoil it!