3 surprising discoveries

1.  I'm starting to think that maybe things will be ok.

'let me be weightless and airy and light, and maybe i'll find peace tonight'.


see, I think I missed the essential difference between mum and me. And its summed up in that short little sentence. Its that simple really-whereas she believes that, lives her life by it, loses herself in Ed, I KNOW its not true.The real part of me that is-knows that it doesnt matter what i weigh, its not a measure of ME. I have times when i feel trapped by Ed, and am consumed, overtaken with thoughts of weight and worthlessness. But in chosing to seek recovery-well, it means that i've accepted-or that im learning to except how untrue that is. And its sad that mum never found it.But nothing I can do in the end can make her see it if she CHOOSES to be blind to it.

2. You always have a choice

Even when its the hardest thing in the world, you always have a choice. I can live or I can die. I can give in and let ED win forever..or not. its all about choices, see.we make our choices on the basis of who we are.And we all make different choices.And its these choices that shape our lives. And suddenly-well i can see how that goes for my mum too. She CHOSE to fight against the help she had. She CHOSE not to take medications to help try and improve her mood, just to start that shift in thoughts. She CHOSE to not go to therapy, to ignore the mealplans, to hurt herself. and its really really sad, because i know, essentially-that Ed was right there with her while she made those choices. But she had chances-countless-to accept real help.Shes been in hospital more times than i can count, and various private clinics as well.when shes not been under a section-shes agreed to go in to stop the hassle, then checked out as soon as possible.

well I chose to try and find help and get better. And if I cant find help, then im going to get better on my own.Because I chose to not live like this anymore.

'Grant me the serenity to accept things i cannot change,
The  courage to change the things i can
And the wisdom to know the difference'

3. You cant change the past.

 well obviously.But you can change how you let ot sape and control your future. Mums story isnt mine-its hers. Its not going to be that way for me, because, now, i realise what i have to change.

ok, so i just thought of another one
4.I bloody love how i look in this dress!

haha. oh.and theres this really sweet guy at college that likes me:)