why do i do this to myself?!

ok, i get the you have to be accountable for your own actions...so yes does my head, but equally im responsible for listening to it?im thinking this, cos then logically, this means that its all down to me-changing i mean. Yeh, i have always known this, but i think i have to remind myself that even if i had all the help in the world(which i dont!) then its still all down to me! so its time for me to get my arse in gear again, and start telling Ed to piss off again. sorry this is all a bit oprah again, but ive had a rough few days, and i think the only way of dragging myself up again is to be seriously pro active, and writing about how much i hate Ed always feels like hardcore rebellion.
The other thing im thinking, is that you cant do anything about Ed until you accept why its there...i think now is about dealing with all the reasons and things i used bulimia as an escape and rescue from, and then if i can deal, well maybe if they lose the significance, well surely Ed will start to move away.Dunno.know that doesnt make that much sense written down.

Im a bit messed in the head right now, yknow. cos i had that god awful appointment the otherday, where they told me i was just wasting their time, and discharged me. Thing is, thy said this without having read my notes, and after my doc told them the reasons i was losing it, and how badly i was a risk to myself...and it really hurts when they say its all about attention...cos its NOT.i dont like going to my doctor and telling him i want to jump off a bridge, you do it cos you feel desperate, and need to let it out a bit. My doc is amazing.he lets me tell him whatever i need to (because they havnt found anyone to refer me to yet!), and he gets that i feel like i have to let it out a bit before i biol over with it all.only so long you can keep it to yourself.And then its my time, away from ED to say whats happening.and yeh, Ed hates that, but its worth the fallout for the relief of it.
im going to go now, cos i dont thnk im making a lot of sense.

xxx

i have the best doctor ever!

My doctor is the best:)
he always fixes it all!

xxx

Today

ok, so im feeling a bit more with it now, and today i have a doctors appointment to talk things through...im going to ask about either just seeing one of the surgery counsellers, or just discharging myself from mental health services, because i cant take then continuosly just refering me to other people all the time.
so we shall see!

xxx

me, myself and I

hmn, well i guess i was in a good way last night. still have no idea what to do, and Ed loving it, obviously. so i guess its me, myself and i, sorting this one out! except, ive decided its not even worth asking for help any more, im sick of them just not getting it...cos seriously do they not think if i could stop it, i would have my now?
so-me, myself and I...lets go!! Screw you Ed

xxx

shaky ground

I feel like i already lost.in fact i did. today i met by new care coordinator, who was supposed to set up therapy for me...cos group just isnt the right thing for me...i just feel so inadequate, and i end up feeling like Ed is being fuelled by the whole process. Except now, well for the last 6 months they have been telling me that i need to learn to start talking about whats going on, and not hold it all inside, and i slowly started doing this, and eventually, well i managed to tell my doctor that i was in way over my head and i jsut plain cant cope.was a bit of a cry fest, but i really trust my GP.so i went to see care coordinator today-and i thought i was meeting my new team leader, but no, they decided that i just needed a review...great...and they told me that, well, there not so sure they can help me cos its all about attention seeking.and this woman admitted to not having even read my notes!arg.so now i feel like i cant talk to anyone, im wasting there time and i jsut dont deserve the help.i dont know what to do.it took so much to admit that i just cant handle it alone anymore.and now i feel squashed and like my problems are nothing, and i should just get on with it. but im so confused, cos its taken me this long to realise i have a right to be upset about things that happened in my past, and to realise its ok to ask for help.but what now?its obviously not, and ive just ben labelled as a nutty attention seeker, who needs to just geton with life.well yeh, surely i would have done that by now?!
anyway, now i feel like theres no point in talking and asking for help.
so guess Ed won that power struggle then, cos now its just me and Fucking Ed again.
marvelous.
im so confused, and now im to scared to ask for help again

xxx

Actually, no, im not alright

why do people even bother asking when they dont want to know the real answer!i can count on one hand the people that would actually care what the answer is. But even then, i cant always say it.
so here it is.NO, im not alright, and im sorry to be all negative, but you know what, im sick of pretending to be ok, when actually im falling apart inside.
I hate ED, but im scared to break the rules. I want to be better, but im scared.does that make me a bad person? I dont feel like i can do this. what if im actually nothing without ED? IM not pro ED in the slightest-just to make this clear, im just frightenend and unsure and overwhelmed. And now im stuck in a really bad restriction phase again, which makes it even worse, cos i dont want to be like this. im so messed up.:( any advice always appreciated

xxx

Scary day

Today I meet my new CPN, and have my first meeting for new group therapy-bit full on.
Am really scared and nervous, and everything in between.:(

xxx

ED's day at the beach...when i realised enough was enough!

This summer i spent a lot of time going on random trips to the beach with my friend.
I think i realised id had enough of ED for sure one day when we decided to go for a bit of a walk by the sea. It wasnt the warmest day, but even so, to get ready for this 'trip' the first thing i thought to do was pack and extra jumper and take a bottle of water with me...obviously the first things that spring to mind when someone says BEACH! in the summer!we left our lunch in the car in case it 'melted',went in the sea with all our clothes on, and thought it was a good thing we were cold for hours after.
ENOUGH ALREADY!cos if you let it, ED gets in the way of all the fun stuff in life, takes even the smallest things and turns them to its advantage...i think it kind of hits home sometimes...so got to keep going, and not letting ED win.I want to find out what im about...tho im pretty sure that could take a while.
slowly but surely wins the race.

xxx

the thing about you is that you see me through...GO AWAY ED!

The trouble with Ed is that its ALWAYS watching, and waiting to kick you when your already going way down.
See the thing is, when you dont know any better, Ed makes all the bad stuff go away, and replaces it with something you can do-it makes the own rules to its game. Its almost like it offeres to save you, a trade off-its only a good few years down the line that you realise you traded your life away:(
Ed will take away the small stuff for a price- obedience, following the rules, playing its game...the thing is the big stuff, the stuff that tears you up inside out will cost you your life...sure ED will take it away from you. BUt it all accumulates and IT WILL come back like a ton of bricks.I HATE YOU ED, i cant get away from you.But im scared to break your rules, because what will be left of me then?
How can you start to seperate your life from EDs control, when you dont even know who you are without ED? I want out soo bad.but right now Im terrified.

I guess i just have to put my foot down.GO AWAY ED and leave me the hell alone.

xxx

feeling a bit blue

It seems like a whole lot of people are telling me i need to learn to be happy with myself at the moment. And I get that, I really do, its just that ED doesnt seem to understand that yet...theres always something I could do better/be better at.

And the thing is, the longer ED has been in my life, the harder it is to keep ED happy, he just keeps on tightening his hold. I guess im struggling a bit today. I think the problem is, that I dont really know what me is. Its like im made of all these little bits that other people want me to be, yknow. Cos Ed wants me to be perfect, and nothing short of that will do...I have to be the best, even though I know ts really not possible. And my friends think im a certain person, and my family have all these perceptions of me too. And the thing is, I've grown up aspairing to everyone elses ideal but mine. At the moment I feel Like Ed is about 70% of me, i wish I could seperate it all again. I HATE EDs trap.

Doesd anyone else find that rebelling against ED can have the worst consequences? Im determined to keep writing this, cos its kind of like sticking a finger up at ED.

I know i can do this, well at least i think i can.I have enough of ED, and i need out, i want my life back. BUt its soo damn hard:(

xxx

Useful info

I really love this book-i found it very difficult to read, but then i realised it was because i was reading a book about myself. Its all about developing an anti ED stance, and learning that ED is completely seperate from you, and above all, not your friend.
It also tells yuo at the beginning of each chapter if its going to be be difficult/possibly triggering to read.

'Biting the hand that starves you-inspiring resistance to anorexia/bulimia'
Authors Richard Maisel, David Epston, Ali Borden. Published by Norton. its available on amazon, for anyone who fancies a look.

The authors also have a website which has sections of the book to download, and writing from members of the anti ED league, which is mentioned in the book a lot. The website is brilliant.

http://www.narrativeapproaches.com

Another briiliant website is http://weRFreedomfighters.webs.com/
They also have a channel on youtube weRFreedomfighters, and hey put up a different pro recovery video every day-these people are fantastic!!

xxxx

First things first...

I was so determined to stay away from the whole online eating disorders thing...but some idiot has just posted a ton of pro mia stuff on my livejournal, which i have now blocked. I am soo angry!!

Soo-first things first, PLEASE DONT contact me if you are in any way pro ana/mia, im working hard towards recovery and im determined to get better-i dont want ED taking over my life anymore. Please help me by not asking me for tips and tricks, cos i wont be replying.
I do understand that some people get to the stage where they feel they just have to except ED as part of who they are. Believe me i felt that too, but now i dont want to let Bulimia win.

What I wanted to do was just write about things that are helping me, and id like to talk to people with the same sort of idea, and offer support to those that would like it :)
im happy to share my experiences with anyone and talk about what has helped me in therapy etc, so mssg me or leave a comment, and il put up links to Pro recovery stuff.

sorry for the ramble!I never thought id write a blog about my ED, but its a step away from the privacy of it all...cant keep it all in forever:)
But seriously, it drives me mad, search Bulimia on youtube etc, and you get a ton of people wanting to know how to throw up, and things like that...Bulimia isnt just about being on a diet(which it really isnt, before you all grumble at me!), its about the feelings behind the behaviour.
And its soo not cool, or a good idea to try and 'give yourself' an eating disorder, or aspire to have one...i dont get that...its not something you can just play at...yeh sure, go through the motions until you realise its swallowed you whole-pardon the pun, but this attitude majorly winds me up.

So lets talk Pro Recovery! please leave comments/suggestions :)