oh, do us all a favour and DO ONE ED!!!!

I feel ridicilously proud of myself right now, which might very well be a first. And it might not last for long, so do me a favour and remind me next time i start going loopy again:p I've just eaten dinner again without purging, and stopped myself from letting si get out of hand. TAKE THAT HUH ED!!

ok, so i guess i should explain a little.If you've read this blog for a bit-well you know that i cant talk about anything wothout making some sort of joke of it. I'm not being callous, or making light-its just how i cope.

well, today i woke up feeling like i could take over the world-do anything in the world i wanted.like literally.sounds silly-but i felt like something had loosened in me a little.I KNOW i have to get out of this, move on with my life. ANd having both me and my mum succomb to ED-well how tragic would that be.

I had breakfast.had a little wobble, and dodnt finish it, and didnt purge what i had eaten-which i was a little proud of. Ive got this whole 'screw you ed' thought at the mo.Im so ANGRY that it took my mum-in every sense-away from me.it hurts.and i want to curl up and melt away.part of me wants to let ed in and soothe it away..BUT NOOOO

i know better now

i can do this.i can

This morning when home treatment team called i was super happy, cos it was just the person that would help me to make sense of things. he really helps me see how it is, and how it can be. I just feel able to talk to him, and theres nothing patronising like there is with some of the others. I guess its that he gets that i ant talk about anything really without having to depersonalise it a little-like make a joke of it-and he plays along and he gtes it.just what i needed today.so we arranged a visit for the afternoon, and this morning i went to see one of my girlies in town and just try and distract myself for a while. we were wandering around, and we went into topshop just for a mooch.odd thing to be doing i know-my mum has just died, and i find myself walking around town. But i just had to be out, away from home, doing something really bloody normal.cos a lot of tims-well nothing really feels normal.so me and my gal were messing around, trying things on, and i tried on this pretty ballerina-y type dress. I didnt think it would fit-because i find topshopsizes a bit hit or miss.

but i tried it on, looked int he mirror and saw me-really saw me.it fitted, and i liked the way it looked.it was a bit of an epithany really-yerh it was snug-but it was supposed to be. i didnt look fat. i looked like me.the way, i guess i should look. all the ed-ness melted away for just a second, all the shit, all the heartache form mum-and i just saw a girl happy, a little giggly, looking-well just like another twentsomething mucking around with her friend

im not fat

and im not thin

im not perfect

but that doesnt matter-it didnt matter-just for that minute

i felt just like anyone else would have.i felt alright.whole, like the me i always wanted to be.

ok, im not really that twee.i know how awful this sounds.like i'd forgotten about mum. i know it sounds materialistic, and awful and shitty.but its not like that. i just felt like me-and i hadnt felt that for a long time.no strings.just me, messing aroud, dancing about in a changing room with my best friend.

i saw the home treatment team worker in the afternoon, and hewas so overwhelmingly nice to me that he made me cry.and then some.

he let me talk it all out, and then help me talk and think through the way things could be right now.He told me he belived in me.and that he meant it-and that he thought i could do anything i wanted. and that I just needed to start beliveing that. Half the reason i always liked talking to him was that he admitted he didnt know about eating disorders really-that they confused him.he doesnt mean it badly-in fact, it helped me soo much to talk to someone who had no assumptions of how it was, and took the time to ask me how it was FOR ME.and not the textbook definition. ithink i really needed that.
ok, so il stop the sick making hero worship now!but i do think he is bloody fantastic.i guess its cos hes the only person-like professional-that has ever actually listened to me.

I didt have lunch today-i know it sounds lame and excusey-i just didnt think.no, like really didnt think. But when i met the HTT worker, we did go and get some yummy fruit, and he stayed and chatted to me while i ate it, which kinda made up for it.

and ive had dinner, and im sitting on it right now.45 minutes later and i havt purged.I can do this for me, and i can do this for my mum.

i know i can

i got a phone call form my stepdad earlier.he doesnt want me at the funeral. well, ok

part of me thinks-FUCK HIM-thats my MUM you are talking about

part of me also thinks-well, a funeral-its just a funeral.i can say goodbye myself.it doesnt matter what country im in.if she was going to 'know' if i was atthe funeral, then she'd know i was thinking of her anyway. And i matter as well.seeing y stepdad will bring back all sorts.he doesnt let the past lay in the past. I have to think of me to now. cos maybe, im starting to realise thati matter-a little-too.

so heres what im going to do

on saturday, im going to dress up ballerina style(it makes me happy, i know im a weirdo).
im going to go to my favourite place in cornwall-this hidden away footpath that leads on to a field by a lake(is a lot more special than it sounds-found it by accident with my friends-its our place) and im going to light lots of candles and watch them melt out. cos shed like that.ad im going to play her favourite songs, and im going to think of how it must have been for her-and let the anger go. and im going to buy sdome sunflower seeds and plant them somewhere random-cos she loved those.

thats what im going to do

FUCK YOU ED

im stronger than you will ever be

xxxx