oh the irony (aka you know its bad when...)

the guinea pig baby you are secretly keeping in halls (i mean, you have to have SOMEONE to talk to!) scratches you to shite, and all your tutors assume you have been playing with razorblades....

on the plus side, i got a first for my OSCE the other day (clinical skills exam) and a 2.1 for the exam i did in December, about 5 weeks after i did ridiculous amounts of damage to my femoral artery. I mean, theres having a bad day, and then theres that. which is a bit of a bastard, cos now i can never actually use the 'having a bad day' excuse for messing anything up- i mean a 2.1 could have been better (thats pretty much a fail to me. i only deal with firsts and A's), cos at that point i was still so swollen i looked pregnat and was crying 24/7 with the pain. and leaking weird fluid stuff(actualy more like gushing) every bloody 5 mins. and had about half my normal blood volume. This isnt an attemot to be all like 'ooh look at me i managed to do 'x' when i was broken-more that im thinking-fuck, 'well i dont know how that i managed that, but i can never fail anything now'.

i love how my brain never just lets me be.

xxx

i wish

that i either had the guts to act on the REALLY bad self harm thoughts i have right now, or that they would just fuck OFF and leave me to get on with things. I mean arent you supposed to daydream about boys, clothes, holidays, that sort of thing. well i appear to be obsessively thinking about how i would like to   cut myself apart and let all the ick out.

a lesson in blatent stupidity parts 1 and 2...

1. puking so much that you need potassium replacement intravenous therapy. distinctly NOT fun. especially because the reason you got into such a state was that you have huge amounts of work to do, and an exam in 3 days and not enough time, and now you have spent what time you did have in hospital. well DONE! Also was made to drink this nasty potassium stuff, and its so bad, it actually made me vomit, which is all really rather ironic, dont you think?

2. getting upset that you have zero friends, then finding out the ones you thought you had hate you anyway cos your a douche who does the above. Then see above.

theres more, but im too depressed to carry on writing how bloody shite i am.

which came first- the depression, or the ED?

I think there are a lot of chicken/egg type scenarios with eating disorders. But i think this is the most astute, and, as someone who has been told several times that 'im too depressed to have an eating disorder', its something i have on my mind.

Im  not sure which came first-but i know that they are very interlinked. Theres no point treating the deoression if you leave the ED untouched. you can throw as many meds at it as you like, but not a lot will change. because if you are not eating, or purging, you are just increasing all the biggest symptoms of depression-the tiredness and lethargy, the hopeless feelings.

so, how come, as a 'service user; and therefore the 'crazy person', i can see this link, but none of the professionals can. I went to my session today, and now they think im in the wrong service, cos the ED people cant 'deal with that level of depression'. cop out much! If you helped me with my food issues, maybe i would have enough energy to be awake for more than an hour at a time, and therefore not feel so bloody useless.

but you know, im just the crazy girl here. what would i know?

when did my blog become pro?FML

like really. im so confused. i appear to now have a lot of pro ed followers. Now, i fully acknowledge that im not exactly a recovery role model - and im very much stuck in my disorder. i get that. but i dont WANT it. i dont want any of it. its just better than dealing with all the trauma in my head. My therapist doubts how long id be alive if i gave up all my behaviours right now. but that doesnt mean that i dont know they arent true solutions, that it isnt just another way of keeping it all in. but you have to be in a safe place to work through it all, and i am currently not.

it really hurts me that people think i want to be this way. and i dont mean any of what i wrote to encourage anyone with their ED/SI in any way.

patterns

eat puke cut puke eat some get drunk eat puke cut eat puke cut eat puke cut get drunk some more stop eating.....binge puke cut.....


because the trouble is, this is all better than having to live with everything in my head when i dont know what to do with it all.

eat puke cut puke some more cut eat puke cut hope to die.

i dont think ive got the energy to fight it anymore

Guilt

i wrote a post yesterday about some of the things ive been thinking, memories of me and mum. and after leaving it up for a few hours, i deleted it. 

because i felt so overwhelmed with guilt. See, i hadnt intended it to be a bitch fest, but thats exactly what it sounded like.

and im not angry about those things right now, im just really upset that they happened at all. And i couldnt stand it to be seen in the light it kind of seemed.

All the same though, my brain hurts.

xxx

like a kick in the teeth

...I finally managed to put my finger on why ive been feeling so anxious, agitated and on edge. This horrible uneasyness that wont let me be still.

It's cos i want my mum.

I feel different about mum now. I think before, when it first happened, I was very angry, and couldnt see anything beyond that. And now, im so so sad. We never had the chance to put things right. i dont know if they ever could have been worked out-all the stuff that was there, in between us. But the last time we spoke we literally just screamed at eachother. She told me she hated me, I told her she ruined everything, ans then she was dead.

Im really really sad. I think the anger is slipping away, and `i dont know what to do with this new set of feelings. 

xxx

mothers day

13 stitches and rehydration drips for the vomitting.

I'd say it went well, wouldnt you?

I am such a dick.

mum

Im not ready for it to be mothers day.

i want my mum.

i want someone to help make this better, but i want everyone to go away aswell. i dont know about anything anymore, except that i really want my mum.