end of the first week

and i have no idea how i feel.

pick from any of the following- fat, tired, hideous, upset, frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, sad, anxious, angry, stuffed full, guilty, and i could go on.

i'm really worried about this weekend. I have my meal plan to follow at home, which is pretty much the same as the unit. they sorted me out food for the weekend, so there are a million and one tinfoiled wrapped parcels in the fridge. and 2 massive ready meals for lunch each day. I really dont know how im going to manage to eat it alone, find the courage and will power to do it.

i feel so mixed up. it would be so easy to not eat a thing this weekend, restrict and make it all fine in my head. But what would have been the point of the previous week if i do that?all the upset and anxiety.

today was really difficult, because i had a lot of external stuff to deal with (mostly due to my favourite people, job(knob)centre plus messing me around all day about benefits) as well as having to plan for the weekend and just generally being in a state. Then i got really frustrated and angry with myself for losing my rag with the jobcentre people on the phone, and then just felt like the most worthless person in the world. I felt hugely overweight and horrid and just downright fat and ugly today. one of the girls asked if i was bulimic, as opposed to anorexic, and she had presumed it form the way i look. which is such a shit. I had a chat with one of the others, and its just like, saying things like that-it just puts even more emphasis on appearance and body image. and at the end of the day, if you have an eating disorder it doesnt matter what your diagnosis is-because everyone is different. not everyone's illness is the result of the same things, so the behaviours that we use-they mean different things to all of us. it just pissed me off.

i feel horrible. i dont know what to do with myself. I have really bad self harm thoughts because i feel like ive just messed everything up today, and thats what i deserve.

ARG.

trust?er, yeh, good one!!!

I'm not feeling my best today. in fact, i feel like shit. like all the stuff thats in my head has just started leaking out and its pissing me off, cos im not in control of it. I had a massive meltdown at lunch today (cheese and tomato omlette-another new thing, chips and peas.who makes this diet up?!) and just started crying, then couldnt stop. I just managed to finish it in the time limit, and i hate myself for eating it.

see, theres a lot of sides to this. theres the side that sort of knows that i need to eat, or, essentially, im gonna die. and theres the side of me that remembers all the years i was told that eating was bad as a child. and that my mum would be totally disgusted with me. I'm not in the mood for any 'but your mum was ill' kinda comments, no offence. then theres ED telling me im a fucking failure for giving in and eating. And the unit staff telling me i have to eat. and me not knowing which part is right. it makes you cry.a lot.

I got pulled aside after lunch to have a chat about how i was feeling. The gist of it is that i have to accept that im not really able to make decisions right now-but thats ok, cos this is a legitimate illness, and its ok to let other people make them for me. She wants me to trust them, and let them make the decisions. Buy how can i do that, when my whole life there has never been anyone i can rely on, when ive always had to sort everything for myself, and most of the time, for the rest of my fucked up family. how can i trust anyone to do what i've had to do for myself for all this time. All ive learnt from life, essentially, is that if you dont do it yourself, it wont get done, that noone at the end of the day really gives a shit about anyone but themselves, cos thats all ive ever really known. how can i trust them to make the biggest decisions for me? Eating, starting to eat again, not vomiting, not self harming-thats my whole life that they want me to trust them with, all the things that hold me together. As soon as i let them tell me what to eat, look what happened, i ended up a complete mess.

I dont want to go back to Uni. im dreading it already, how stressed im goingto be, how difficult it will be to catch up. I dont know if i can do that. I want someone to figure all this ut for me, look after me-but i cant let them, i cant let them take charge. I dont understand. I desperately want to be taken out of this situation, to be told what to do, but i cant let anyone, cos its a total headfuck. and yes, i do understand that ive completely contradicted myself. its about not feeling able to let anyone else do it, or that they dont take how big an issue it is for me seriously. Like, im only going to be at the unit for another 3 weeks after this one. if i cant go back to uni, what the fuck am i going to do with myself?i dont feel well enough to do anything, but im not able to do nothing. I'l have no money, and nowhere to live.in short, il be beyond fucked, even more than i already am. But going back to uni is, quite possibly, going to push me totally over the edge.

Trust?are you having a laugh?!

A post that has the sole purpose of telling everyone how brilliant i am.me modest??!!

Ok, so 2nd day on the unit, and i was all ready to have an absolute eppy about how little i was allowed to drink yesterday. I was soo dehydrated yesterday and it really upset me. Like, im willing to admit that I drink a lot, possibly more than they would call 'normal'.ok def more than they would call normal.see, i can be reflective! but it annoyed me that they just assumed it was to avoid food-its not, i genuinely feel thirsty a LOT, and as it just comes straight out of me (ask any of my friends how many pee breaks i need during the averagephone call!), and has actually been a lot worse since i had the catheter back in the summer.

But figuring throwing a fit wouldnt go down to well, as would being caught necking water out of the tap in the loo's (i was desperate, dont laugh) i thought the best thing would be to try mighty damn hard with food today then broach it again.

Heres what i ate today (be proud, this is more than i ate in the entirity of last week, and possibly the only day ever of 'correct' eating in my life. i think it should be a natuonal holiday in honour. Vickilovesbows day. i like it. anyway, i digress.)

Breakfast- bowl cornflakes, slice of toast with one teaspoon of flora, and one of jam, glass of orange juice and 200mls of milk. Had to drink half the milk (grim) cos was too much for my cereal.

Midmorning snack - very milky coffee and 2 digestive biscuits (fruit delivery hadnt arrived yet, this is normally the afternoon snack)

Lunch  - Cheeseflan (ewwww i even hate the word flan), brocoli and roast potatoes. We get 25 mins to eat the main course at lunch time, and if you dont finish, then it counts as restriction. I really struggle with the meal time boundaries-mostly because a lot of the food is new to me and im so self conscious with everyone else. I managed all but about a third of the flan before the time was up. They werent too impressed with this-but im quite proud of that actually- i ate something id never had before, that i thought was horrible, and with a lot of other people. For pudding we had to have a large serving of crumble, with 2 blocks of icecream-sooo much, but i managed to force it down-and ive never eaten crumble before either, so thats pretty good.

Afternoon snack- I had an apple and a glass of water.

Dinner- I have a cheese sandwich and a salad which i got made at the unit for this eve, then i just have to have an evening snack from the 'single snack' list.

I got a glass of water with each meal/snack apart from breakfast, and managed to negotiate that i was allowed one extra glass of water between breakfast and lunch, and from lunch to the end of day at the unit. which still seems ridiculous, but a bit better.

The bad side of this is that i have never felt so disgustingly huge, fat and guilty in my life.

BUT-im really proud of myself. I havnt been sick, not once, not even in the evenings when im back home. I did fuck up a bit last night, and cut my arm a little-but managaged to stop myself before it got more than a scratch.

So, at the risk of being a horrid brag, im so damn proud of myself. but also a little ashamed of the fact that i need to be proud of this, yknow. its weird. the unit is weird. The other girls are really nice, very friendly, and genuinelly tried to make me feel more comfortable on my first day, and talked about how they handled it at first. popular saying at mealtimes when someone is struggling is to say - 'just think its your medicine-you NEED it', which actually kind of helps.

If anyone would like a copy of my maintenance meal plan from the unit, or the single/double snack lists for ideas, leave your email in the comments book and i will send it to you, cos its pretty helpful.

xxx

excuse me while i go drink 4 litres of water...aka my first day.

i am so ridiculously thirsty. before this turns into a rant, let me clear a couple of things up. I dont drink instead of eating, even on restrictive days. I drink loads because i ALWAYS feel thirsty. ive always drunk a lot, its just the way i am, and on average i probably drink around 7 litres of fluid a day-water/squash/diet coke/juice anything really. Over the course of the day at the unit i was allowed 1 litre of fluid. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! its not like i drink before i get weighed either. Im not going back there if they wont up my fluid intake. the unit mamanger promised me i wouldnt be left feeling thirsty all day, when i discussed this with her before admission, but everytime i tried to ask about it today they said i had to stick to the prescribed diet.well they can fuck OFF. i ate their enourmous amounts of food, so they can bloody well let me drink.

I've not got a massive headache and feel so thirsty i want to cry. And im so full of shitty manky unhealthy hospital food.

i feel like its my first day at school...

first day nerves

yikes im scared and i dont want to go. a day filled with food, and my special favourite-groups.yippee.

maintaining

I hate that word. I dont want to maintain my weight, i want to lose it. I dont see whats so wrong with that. I mean half the world is on some diet or another, and the government is always on about healthy lifestyles and BM-sodding-I, and i am overweight. I mean like obviously. so why wont they let me get to a normal weight, and then maintain it? Cos if i weighed less id be happier to eat and maintain that weight. Its just that i know im massive, and i hate it and it pisses me off that im going to get even heavier in the day unit from eating insane amounts of food ALL DAY LONG. And it droves me mad that whenever i try and say this to anyone, they go on and on about disordered thinking and giving in to the ED thoughts. yes, ok, but how can they miss the point that im really overweight, so it would be healthier for me to lose it anyway. ARG.

well, today was fun. I spent most of the day attatched to an ECG machine, and various other monitors, cos I had the most hideous chest pain in the world yesterday, everytime i moved, or did anything. I purged yesterday and i thought my heart was going to explode or something. everything hurt and went all weird and fuzzy.

im scared i cant do it. like, really scared.

enough

like really now.

i'm not gonna lie...freaking out about day unit

what the title said.

My friend Becky at Uni today told me that i have to stop worrying about things I cant change, and just let stuff happen. The problem is-I feel like i SHOULD be able to fix everything. When I met with the manager of the day unit last week, she told me something I never really realised before. I said that I was sick of thinking about food-worrying abou what to have, how much to have etc etc and she said the difference was-that 'normal' people DON'T think about food, they just do. They dont think about what people think of them when they are eating, they dont overanalyse, they just do.

The thing is, I dont think im a 'just do' kinda person. there is a lot of comfort to be found in thought and certainty, mapping out how things are going to be. I like knowing, i like order, and structure. Thats just the way I am.

But for the purposes of this- heres what im worrying about-

• The day unit. because i dont know what to expect. I mean everything to do with it here. Im not saying im not committed to trying to get better, and really pushing myself to change, im just saying imscared of what I dont know. I mean you have to bear in mind-i've NEVER eaten 'normally'-becasue mum was ill too. so i got taught all the behaviours, and bullied in to it, and pushed and ridiculed until i learnt that food can make you feel in control, and found the emotional links for myself. hello full blown ED. Most people in recovery ate normally at some point in their lives, so they have a reference point. i dont-and im freaking terrified.
• Uni. All the stuff im gonna miss and how the fuck im goig to catch up.
• occupational health. the bane of my life. Have been summoned to see them again, and its never good.
• exam results.I cant change them now-but not knowing what they are is driving me insane, and taking the exams in the first place is a lot of the reason im in this state now.
• My first Clinical Placement, which occupational health have decided i cant do. whcih is made me super stressed, as we have a massive assessment based on it. At this rate, im going to be doing the first year for the rest of my life.
• All the work im missing. yeh i know i already said this, but im really worried about it.like a lot. almost enough to make me think i should just stick it out without the treatment. but thats stupid-ive been fighting so long for this-i just wish it had happened last year, before i got here. 
• all the paperwork i have to sort out for uni. Just when i think ive done it, more turns up.
• the amount of food im going to have to eat and keep down next week. im gonna get massive. i want to do this, but im scared. however much you want to get better, it still's terrifying-the process i mean. changing EVERYTHING all at once. what if i fuck up, and get kicked off the unit cos i cant do it. then i really might as well give up.
• gaaaah, all the stuff i need to sort out with my personal tutor-if he ever answered his poxy emails

So yeh, Bec is totally right. But in practice I cant do it, I feel totally overwhelmed and just want to cry. again. and thats not even half of it.

•  

Middle of the night procrastination...

I cannot sleep.

This makes v little sense to me, seeing as at half  nine I was ready to sleep for about a year ( actually to be fair, i felt like this at 8am when i got up too!), and its now nearly 1am and I'm still awake, have been laying in bed since half ten thinking not very nice things.This wouldnt be so much of a problem if I didnt have to be up in not very many hours time to get to Uni. I cant miss anything else before i have the time off to go IP from next week or il never catch up again.

possible reasons why I cant sleep

• im all hot and bothered. Yes, im well aware its january, but my body inexplicably thinks its the height of the summer season in magaluf or similar.
• I have severe anxiety related brain ache.
• I have the worlds worst tummy ache
• cannot work out of stomach ache is due to my stomach lining dissolving and finally giving up on me after an awful purge session (massive dinner fail), or because i am hungry. either is equally likely. dont you just love the fucked up-ness of eating disorders...like, im in crazy pain, i could be about to die, or i could just be hungry, gee i cant really tell anymore!
• im dreading practicals at uni tomorow. we are doing hip examination, which is going to involve a lot of people seeing a lot of my scars. Funtimes.
• I have a tone of prep to do before my clinical visits this week, but my brain refuses to work.
• I think im hungry. could really fancy some cheese and beans on toast...gaaaaah.but my tummy HURTS. how can i think i want food when it hurts this much. possibly, someone has tampered with my brain.
• I feel like-and think-that in between the time i got in to bed, and now i have gained about 2 stone. I feel ginormous.
• did i mention that i think im hungry?
• Im REALLY scared about starting at the unit next week.

Well, gee that just about sums it up.

Preparing for inpatient next week (and other stuff in between)

I have this weird anxiety feeling that i just cant shake off. It's so suffacating i feel like i cant breathe. I've just been reading back over some of my old posts, and from just before i ended up in hopsital from cutting through my artery. That seems ages ago now, but its not really. And all the grief that it caused-with Uni, friends, the physical implications- was it worth it? The endless appointmets and meetings with Uni staff and doctors and more doctors. well on the surface, hell NO. And god, the pain of it- especially when it got so infected-oh my god i feel sick thinking about how much it hurt.

Not that simple though really is it? Theres more than one side to it. Yes, the obvious downside is that everyone at Uni thinks im a total freak (rumor has it, yknow). But is it easier that my Tutors know I'm struggling- well yeh. It suks a bit, im not gonna lie, cos noone looks at me the same way, and they all skirt uncomfortably around everything, obviously wary of what might happen. I dont want to be treated differently, I dont want leniancy or anything else they might think. And I wish i could have talked out all the crap inside me that made me do it, rather than trying to damage myself until it went away. But it happened, and i cant change that. But i can change what miht happen in the future. I cant always change how i feel, but i can do things to try and help- and Uni knowing means that I can more easily arrange time off for appointments with psycs and the EDS without getting bollocked all the time. It means I dont get the third degree if i say im ill and i cant come in. It means that i get offered support (albeit fairly uselss), and that occupational health can literally kick me up the waiting lists of the ED service.  It means that Tutors are more willing to arrange catch up sessions for me if they know why I'm not there. So i'm not saying its the smartest thing ive ever done. and yes, it was a helluva dangerous and scared the living shite out of me. But maybe, it wasnt the worst thing ever either. Dont get the wrong idea-i'm NOT saying it was some kind of stunt i planned. I just mean, that I was having a horrid time, I tried talking but noone really understood, and I needed support. And now i have a lot of support from my personal tutor (in an odd kind of way) and a few people I can at least try and talk with when things are feeling icky, and they get where in coming from - like when i say im feeling bad, i dont just mean a bit fed up.

And it also means that when i rock up and say I need a month out to do an emergency IP admission to the EDU they just hand me the forms, and accept it, rather than getting shitty with me that its right in the exam period. Ok, i mean i know they have to let me cos its on medical grounds, but they dont have to neccesarily be helpful either-and as much as they peed me off last week (il get to that) they have been good on this. And they are letting me stay in Halls whilst im in the day unit, which they are not obligated to do.

So, from next monday, I'll be attending the day unit at the Eating Disorder Service at Springfield Hospital (if youlike irony-my mum spent most of her life in this place) from 8am-4pm every weekday, for 4 weeks. This is an attempt to stabalise things at the moment, before my heart and stomach really start to get pissed with me. Then I'll be put on the waiting list for a longer admission. I met with the Units manager on Friday. I officially felt like the worlds biggest idiot by the end of it. Like, I want to be better, why cant i just stop this already. It makes me feel so pathetic. Im so scared. All that food. and the other people there. and just everything really. I know its going to help. But i also know its going to make me go insane first-I cant actually remmeber the last time i ate without throwing up after. Or ate with other people, let alone breakfast, lunch and the snacks inbetween. I'm scared of what will happen, whayt i will end up thinking. I'm really bloody scared that i wont be able to talk about it with them, and they will think that im not serious about getting well-i am-its just-overwhelming, the amount of change about to smack me in the face. i've been really trying this week, to minimise Ed behaviours-and actually just be aware of what my Ed behaviours are. Theres a lot more than i thought, properly ingrained in me:(i feel so ashamed and embaressed writing this)

•  The way I drink soo much water/diet coke/whatever. Partly this is prob because the purging makes me dehydrated. But ive always drunk a lot, and I think ive kind of taught myself to need that much fluid. And im really worried that im just going to be permenently thirsty at the unit. I dont do it to fake weight gain-as im over rather than under weight anyway, but I know its prob not right to drink that much.
• Eating really slowely with other people, but fast when im on my own
• when eating with other people mashing food up and pushing it around my plat so it looks like ive eaten it.
• purging
• bingeing
• laxatives (but not very often)
• having a really limited range of foods i will eat.Im far too embaresed to go into this today, but that something i know needs to change.
• putting loads of vinegar on food so i dont want to eat it.
• watching others eat, whilst just drinking myself and feeling smug. come on, im not the only person who does this!
• not preparing food in front of others. I hate people seeing me havig anything do do with food.
• im sure there is more, but fuck me this is depressing. and shamefull. so to keep a little bit of my dignity i might finish this another day.

I'm really scared. I'm scared that I need help, and ashamed that i need it, want it. What does that make me? i should be over this, better, not getting worse.

Have you ever been IP? how have you dealt with all of it? What if the words still wont come out. What if it all just stays stuck in my head, and I cant purge, and I cant cut, and its all trapped inside still. what if i really lose it?

So this week is my last week at Uni before my time off. Im am SO stressed and worried and panicky about all the work I will be missing, which isnt really helping. But guess what?! I have my first real grown up physio placement this week! 2 half days observing a third year (which we then have to do an assessed presentation on), and my placement is on a paediatric unit-BRILLIANT!!! im so looking forward to this (but im pretty nervous too) as paed's rehab is def one of the areas im more interested in and it will be a great one to start with, and hopefully inspire me to keep with it and hang in there.

I shall end this never ending post with a pic from this weekend- the 'full moon beach party' Disco at the SU. Heres my costume!

Bloody Bikini's in Jan!! I'm posting this to prove a point to myself- I might not be the skiniest girl in the world (and hell knows im no where near!) but i dont look utterly repulsive either. well, much. you know what i mean.

xxx

keeping it all inside

I watched a harry potter film over christmas-cant remember which one it was, and they went to the ministry and ended up in these room full of prophesis, and memories, stored in these weird glass ball-type things. And only the person they are about can see them.

I wish I could do that. Because keeping them all inside of me is killing me. And I cant seem to say things any more. But maybe one day, i might want the memories back, when I feel better about them. I dont want to lose them, i just want them to go away for a bit. I mean, they are a part of who I am, shaped things, made me, so they are important. I just dont want them to hurt me for a while.

So, if life was like harry potter, then i could store my my memories away, keep my secrets safe, and stop the need to pull myself apart in an attempt to drown them out. If real life was like Harry Potter. self harm would not exist. Well, its a theory, and im on a lot of meds right now.

The thing is, they are my memories, and my secrets. And i dont think I can keep talking about them to the HTT, the EDU, and everyone else that wants a piece of them. It hurts to much to tell, but keeping it all in is like having this storm inside my head. And the only way to calm the storm is to make myself sick, or cut myself until its all soothed away. for 10 minutes.

Maybe im missing something, cos i think i died and went to hell - must have stopped paying attention or something. or maybe it slipped my mind. anyway- i feel like im trapped in bulimic hell.

Stuck between a rock, and ..erm...(aka something that might offend but im going to write it with the best possible intention anyway)

Why do those with bulimia not get taken as seriously as those with anorexia? Bulimia has just as dangerous consequences, and yes, i do realise what the stats are for Anorexic deaths (funnily enough), and that being seriously underweight has severe implications- but so does tearing your oesophagus, or having an electrolye imbalance.

So why is it that if i were, say, 5 stone lighter id have all the help in the world, but because im an average weight i have to wait soo long for help. Bulimia is just as much as problem.

I say this because once AGAIN after being promised help, and desperately trying to hang on over the weekend, ive been pushed aside again. because someone of a lower weight needed the bed. I was supposed to be admitted today in an attemp to help my stop the vomitting at such high levels. So when I got a call saying that they wouldnt be able to do anything for 2 weeks-when they could admit me for 4 weeks to the day unit to help stabalise things-i wasnt too happy. 2 weeks is a long time when you feel like your in hell. and im just sick of getting promised things that never happen. I've still got really bad chests pains, i still feel triggered to hell by just about everything, and am stuck in a horrible cycle of flashbacks and binge/purge/cut behaviours. Im really trying to stop and get out of it, but i cant, and i dont think i can go on like this for 2 more weeks.

First day back at uni tomorow and i cant even go.things were supposed to be better this term and ive just fucked it all up.again.

oooh goody, something exciting and different!!

im joking, clearly.

4th appointment with the clin psyc from the EDS, supposedly to talk about coping strategies, but actually turned into 'shit i think we should actually admit you'. I gave her my discharge summary from A&E and she got all worried and started talking about a crisis admission to the inpatient ED unit. This might have been because i caved and told her the unedited version of the number of times im making myself sick at the moment. She wanted me to go back to A&E about the chest pain-but they wont DO anything-cos the symptoms are only there when im purging, and there not exactly gonna make me throw up so they can do an ECG of that. So compromise-she went off and got one of the docs from the inpatient ward to talk to me, who took bp etc, and said i needed to rest, lots. and try mighty hard to cut the vomitting down. she asked lots of questions about the blood im throwing up, and said im actually meeting all the criteria for an admission on medical grounds, as well as being in 'acute psychiatriac crisis;-erm, thanks, i think. I've been having a rough week-lots of flashbacks, and worrying about being back at uni, and exam results and stuff, and not sleeping and all the stuff with my friend really getting to me. anyways, once i stopped crying long enough to explain this (and had been fed some diazepam-thanks) we cam up with a weekend plan. Decided that being admitted to the ward when in crisis not a good plan as getting through a crisis normally involves me wanting to be in my own space-i think i went a bit more nuts last time i was in hospital. I dont think ive cried as much as i have today, ever. weird.

So weekend plan is home treatment team, and a doc visit tomorow to check my bp and chest, and i had to agree to really strict guidlines on when id call HTT or go to A&E. Apparntly severe anaemia and vomitting isnt a good combo for your heart-the anaemia means its working extra hard to get blood around, and the puking just puts more strain on it. I feel pretty bloody crap actually, with all the physical stuff creeping up on me. Clin Psyc is gonna phone one monday and talk about new plan with me-cos they dont think i can be on the waiting list for the day unit that long-it would be at least summer by the time i was near the top, so i think im going to go on to the ward to try and lessen the being sick, and then be seen in outpatients until can get into the day unit.

shit all this is actually quite scary

xxx

the weirdness of yesterday

Ok, so yesterday baffled me somewhat. I had another appointment with the EDS to finish my assessment off, and decide on my treatment (if any) plan. I've been mulling over what happened at the last appt a fair amount since. Mostly cos i was pissed at being dumped with the BPD label again, so they can shoft me off to be another services' problem. And the trouble with trying to explain with why i didnt agree with that diagnosis, is that it will just make them think it more srongly. Life's a bitch.

The thing is, I couldnt just leave it at that. heck if they werent going to helpme anyway, i might as well at least attempt to justify my reasoning to them right? so thats what i did. I wrote a very diplomatic letter, stating that whilst i agreed that i fitted with the criteria for BPD, there are many other ways that this could be explained. That they say borderline is all about black and white thinking, but i think half the time they tend to diagnose in a very black or white fashion.

The oddest thing was that the clinical psyc totally agreed with me! Which I kinda knew she did, from the first time i met up with her, and she was talking about trauma related eating difficulties, and learnt behaviour and stuff. It was only when she got back from her team meeting that she came up with the bPD crap, after telling me in the firstplace she wouldnt agree with a diagnosis of that. Apparantly, in team meetings its a bit of a 'the majority rules scenario', and the medics of the team will always want to stick labels on things. But their politics isnt my issue. Turns out that after i saw her last time she picked up on how majorly pissed i was (funny that) and went and had a chat with the lead nurse on the ED day unit about me. So when i saw her yesterday, she said theyd had a long chat, and they both think that the day unit - and not a massive DBT focus- is the best thing for me, because basically, the unit would teach me about food-what to eat, how to cook it, all the stuff your supposed to learn as you grow up, at the same time as helping me get better from the disorder. Shes stuck me on the (long) waiting list, anticipating that i would agree, but still has to run it by the team-so we'll see how that goes.

Remember the guy i saw for a little while in cornwall from the ED service, just before i moved? well, apparantly he got in touch with them-as the clin psyc wanted to know his opinion of the BPD thing-and he told them that id been fighting my ass off for so long to get help, it was really starting to annoy him that people were misinterpreting it as BPD attention seeking. And that they just needed to listen to me talk about growing up, and about liverpool, and that it would be obvious that it was all trauma based. he aslso said that i was quite likely to try and fight the BPD label, esp if i didnt think i was going to get anywhere anyway, ans to just see what i did in my next session...so i guess i was right to try and fight it. weird that smething actually sort of worked out.

She also questioned me a lot in the session about physical symptoms i might be having, so i finally owned up about the chest pain/passing out/puking blood thing. Psyc's are so easily scared! sent me straight to A&E to get an ECG, and bloods done. dunno why they bother, i could have told them everything A&E told me:severe anaemia and resultant low haemoglobin levels (duh, i lost a bodyworths of blood a little while back, im prob still trying to get my stocks back up!), mallory weiss tears (to stomach lining) (also knew that), and funky electrolyte levels. drip me up baby. I did get a massive talking to from a cardiologist who was telling me just how much my heart was beginning to not appreciate the purging, which yeh i know-but its not as simple as telling me to stop throwing up. i KNOW that, i just cant do it. Also, funnily, a junior doc gave me a box of anti-sickness pills to take home - i had to explain to him what bulimia was, that was an interesting conversation!!anti sickness pills!im sure theyl do wonders....hahahahaha sometimes you just gotta laugh.lots. Anyhow, the result of that fun entire day in hosp was that i have to have weekly bloods taken and regular cardiac assessments. they also want to do something that sounds distinctly unfun, by putting a camera down my throat to look at my stomach. However, if your going to be callous (and i am!) the more messed up my body is, the higher il get bumped up the waiting list for the day unit. dont you just love how these things work!

the thing that made this whole day so weird though-the fact that the psyc listened to what i said and actually started doing something about it. and gave me another appt for friday, so i 'feel like im being heard'.

happy new year

The oddest of days

Actually, i think im too tired for this one right now. maybe tomorow. today has been so weird. so i hate to be all co-dependent but i could really use some love right now.sorry

xxx

A brief interlude in which i explain the importance of bed-nests and other such things

Bed-nests
A phenomenom introduced to me by the ingeniously brilliant and basically fantastic person that is elk which is now an essential part of my life. Construction of the perfect nest is an intricate art.It must be comfy, yet functional, snug and comforting, but also enable you to carry out essential activity, such as revision, homework and telly watching. The perfect nest makes all feel right in the world, safe, snug and secure. My nest is made with two duvets-one to go over my sheet, to sit on, and one to bury myself in. placement of pillows is important, enough to make you feel like you can sink back and have a petite little rest, but also enough to make you sit up occasionaly and do something useful. make sure you have a cushion to balance lap top on, and your getting there. lots of blankets make it even moe inviting. Other essential nest items include a book, a supply of diet coke, the odd mug of tea, my sock monkey, julian paul, and my moomin, and also currently, a copy of 'finn family moomintroll', the most comforting cheering book known to man (or moomin) kind. I also quite like to have my sewing and button/ribbon box handy, incase i suddenly feel particulary brilliant bit of creative genius coming on (which, admitedly, isnt that often anymore). The perfect nest moulds to you, letting you know that you are its rightful owner-i dont think you could ever hijack someone elses. On days when i want to hide from the world, my nest makes me feel better. you may think im mad, but dont knock it until you have made exactly the rught one for yourself. it takes practice, be patient, but your nest will be your friend when everything else is totally rubbish. And also somewhere warm and comfy to do your work when the heating breaks in Uni Halls AGAIN. sorry for any copyright infringement, elk :)


90's Pop Music
Ok, so thats a bit of a lose term to describe some of the most terrible music/bands in the world. Peter Andre, Im talking about you. But i LOVE 90's boyband and girlpower music. It never fails-your gauranteed to know all the words (and possibly, if your really lucky and have a good memory, the dance routines), and at the very least you can laugh at how rubbish it is. But dont knock the brilliance of Alisha's Attic. and if you have not hard of them , its about time you did-go on, before you make me feel old. Genius.


The Perfect Notebook (and actually, stationary in general)
The perfect notebook makes you filled with writing possibilities. I've been keeping diaries for YEARS (i think my first one was from when i was 9), and whilst I dont have most of them anymore, i do like a nice diary. I think one of my favourite things is finding the right notebook at the start of the year (or about may, when i have filled one up with random wittering) to start afresh in. I love the first page of a new diary. But just beware of the 'pretty stationary trap'-the stuff thats so nice, you fel you could never use it.

Ponies
There is just something about having a cute, chunky little hairy pony that will always appeal to me, how ever much I try to convince myself my pony days are over. I dont want to compete anymore-never to that level anyway-but I do love have a snuggle buddy pony. I mean you can tell them all your secrets and they alwasy listen, and always make you feel better-and never tell a soul. I think I need to find a cutie thelwell type to look after.


Hello Kitty
What is it about this iconic little kitten that makes me want to own anything and everything with her cuteness on it, no matter how useless or absurb,...selling ice to eskimo's-more like put hello kitty on it.


Empire Records
If you have never seen this film then you must do so immeadiately. its magic.

I am going to retire to my nest now, and i suggest you do the same:)

xxxx

i'd write a post but...

im so bloody depressed i cant be arsed.

happy new year