New beginnings

Last night i got told by a surgeon that if id cut any deeper i would have perforated my stomach and died. Hows that for a reality check.

ok, thats probably the wrong place to start. I've just been feeling so frustrated recently, and i think it all caught up with me. Im really disappointed in myself that i've turned to self injury in an attempt to get some space from ED.

But there is no way in hell things are staying this way!

So last night was real upset and ended up making an exsisiting cut kinda worse...worrying thing is that it didnt look that bad-really wasnt sure it needed looking at at all, then got there and registrar started freaking out and calling surgeons to check things. Anyhow i guess i was so busy feeling miserable that i forgot that, actually, I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS! Binging, purging and restricting, self injury, this things all just make me feel like shit. And yeh, its a big part of me and the way i have learnt to cope...and il probably always be uncomfortable with my weight...

but il tell you something for nothing...

THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE ANY FREAKING MORE!

im going to be exactly who i want to be, know matter how long it takes me to find out. And im going to go to uni wherever i want, and im going to do everything to make it a happy time for me.

you cant change the past, but neither should you have to live amongst its broken pieces either.

so, ok, im not going to morph into somebody i like and respect overnight, but im going to give it my all to get free from all this crap. I dont want to spend the rest of my life talking to doctors and out of hours services, and i dont want to have to go to A and E and feel im wasting their time with something i did to myself...They were really nice though last night, have to say. i've had some crap getting treatment for SI wounds before, but everyone last night was really good, and spoke to me like i was someone who actually, like had feelings, and a functional brain, which makes a change. I freaked out big style when the surgeons came to check me over, but the registrar doc was lovely, stayed and spoke to me like i was someone that mattered.

Hmn, maybe thats because...shock horror-i am someone who matters.

xxx

Honesty...getting real

you get me?!sorry, couldnt help myself.

ok, so honestly, its not quite as rosy as people think right now.
so, actually honestly, this is how i am...cos really, whats the point in lying to yourself...

I feel hideously fat.Im sorry, i just feel horrid through and through. But I know its really some twisted ED thing, why im feeling this so acutely right now...so just have to work on telling Ed to go jump.

Sore. Had a few issues with self injury recently, re above. And know i need to let my doc have a look, but, not so much.

My throat and stomach kill right now. This is entirely self inflicted, yes, but hey, if im being honest, cant really ignore it. So also need to tell doc this has got a lot worse..but its so hard to deal with telling him these things, i hate to let him know that im messing up even more.

scared.cos if i dont get to talk through some of this stuff soon, i dont really know how im going to hold it together for much longer.

But, hey, im like totally fine, yeh.

xxx

well, thats done for another year then!

Someone really clever and fabulous said something to me a few days ago.

'I know i can change.I just have to find the courage to do it'.

well, knowing that is half the battle :)

I can get over this, and I can move on. I dont need ED, its just going to take a while. And thats ok. I mean if it takes a lifetie to get to this place, then surely you cant expext to leave it all behind overnight, right?

baby steps, with the best foot forward:)

I started writing my food diary again today. Yeeehaaa. I hate food diaries, but i do see how they help. It makes your day even more focossed on food. But maybe thats how it has to be for a while, before you start to get better.

xxx

Christmas on my terms

I feel like i havnt written on here for ages.I think i ran out of things to say, because i was feeling like i was stuck in quicksand, yknow.

But this year is going to be christmas my way. No negativity from my family(there is a definate advantage in them living abroad!), no being forced into christmas dinner cos its tradition (dont get me wrong, im not being pro-not eating here, i just dont want to feel bullied into food that i dont want), i can have what I want to eat, and no forced happyness because 'its christmas therefore we must all love eachother amen'.

So im going to spend the day in a pro-recovery way, that is, im going to do things that are good for ME. I'm going to read my favourite book, and go for a walk on the beach. I'm going to talk to my best friends on the phone, and not feel guilty for indulging ina day alone, when the rest of the world thinks you should be with people, just cos its christmas. Theres a diffenece between being lonely and being alone. Cos yeh, i do feel lonely a lot, but thats because i isolate people, not because i dont have people that care.I just like to spend time alond, not even in an Ed way, i just find it relaxing and calming yknow. I'm going to try and stick to my foodplan, and try not to bully myself, and try to ignore ED if this doesnt happen.
And im not going to drink the bad things away into nothingness.

i guess im going to try out being me for a day :)

Happy Christmas

xxx

it does indeed go a bit like this...(and please give me some advice re stomach lining tear)

I started this blog with the intention of bolstering myself through recovery and using it as an outlet and support. So an apology for how this post is going to go... Cos im crap and ive had it. I just cant deal anymore. Im not being all 'woe betide me' here, though im sure it comes across that way. But i feel so misearble and alone, i just cant see a future for myself. I sent my UCAS form off yesterday. I dont know why i even bothered, cos with a bit of luck i wont be around by next september.Im not sure how much i mean that. ED thinks im worthless and i might as well be dead. Cos if im not following his gameplan for me then i might as well not bother. Now i do know better than that...I HATE ED AND I HATE THat I DONT KNOW WHO I AM (excuse the caps), buti just have this all consuming, overwhelming feeling off being rotten and bad and worthless through and through. so i go through each day, and its the same old crap everyday. I can just about get through the day, in a kinda zombie state, and its not for wan of trying, beleive me. i try lots of things to distract myself, and i fall into the whole domestic routine thing, and i go for walks etc etc. I think half the prob is that i dont feel i deserve to do the things that i enjoy, cos im not working.So if im not working i shouldnt get to do the fun stuff. Im having a hard time getting me head round this.It took my doc a long time to get me to agree to a period of absense from work, and now as much as i dont feel well enough to be working, i feel so lazy for it also.

i dont know where im going with this.

Also has anyone ever had experience of tearing their stomach lining.If so would you please give me some advice.Ok, so ive done this a few times now, pretty badly, had cameras down there and stuff. And it was healing up.but the other day i just lostit, had a bit of a slip and purged real bad, and there was so much blood. I think it's a new tear, and it hurts so bad, but im to ashamed to tell my doc how bad it is...told him it was just a little blood, cos i hate that i let him down.But hell, im in soo much pain cant describe, i know its my own fault for being such an idiot, but any advice on managing this. I knwo the stuff about not purging to let it heal and im trying soo hard to fight ed, but please if you have any ways og soothing, things to eat that wont iritate so much, please let me know, id really appreciate it.

xxx

Hibernation

i really want to curl up in my duvet and emerge in a few months time. Not just because i am freezing cold, and too poor to put heating on for very long, but because i am soo exhausted. No really, i mean 'i cant move, its not lazyness i just feel drained' kinda tiredness.

I spose it makes sense really-my body never knows whether its coming or going foodwise, and it all tends to catch up on itself in bouts like this, when ED is really giving it some. ANd i havnt slept well for months, wake up all the time from having flashback dreams, so get to the point where im kinda afraid to sleep. If someone could hit me over the head, that would be great. And i guess theres an element of attraction in hiding for a while. Trouble is, dont think you can really hide from yourself.

I guess really its just years of emotion and thinking and things that i have blocked out all coming out at once, and that is going to knock it out of you. but i rekon i have to deal with it all at somepoint to make it all better, and deal with it. I think my natural reaction to all this hurt is to hide, and curl up and want to disapear, and to an extent thats ok-well a couple of lovely people have told me its ok to do things like that to soothe yourself, as long as it doesnt result in isolation. So im trying really hard to beleive that, and do what will make me feel better at the moment.

the odd duvet day never did anyone any harm, and in the long run, well why not?! better than dropping down from exhaustion.

Im getting into bed now.

loves xxx

Apply some pressure...

Today i have been listening to Maximo park's 'apply some pressure', cos really, it seems quite appropriate.
i think we feel pressure in lots of different ways, and maybe from a lot of people, including ou=rselves, and Ed itself during recovery.

.Pressure from yourself..i should be doing better, i shouldnt have binged/purged, i should be hitting higher targets, i have to be the best at everything (actually, these things are kinda Ed's domain as well)

.Pressure from ED-'you loser, how do you think you are going to cope without me etc etc, too depressed to go on.

.Pressure from family-'why arent you better, surely all you have to do is eat?!'ARG dont get me started, or theres always the approach of 'why are you being stupid, theres nothing wrong with you!'.that one is my 'special favourite'. oh and the whole' your such a failure, why arent you doing better at uni, why arent you riding competitvly, you should be riding for Brit team, etc etc etc forever more.

.pressure from friends...to be fair, this isnt a massive issue for me with my best friends at all, cos basically they all rock and understand that im trying my best, and that really is enough. But sometimes, with friends you have isolated from(Or Ed doesnt like you seeing) its soo hard. They want to go for meals, they cant understand that getting better isnt just about eating, and they dont always get you need time alone. Yes, partly I'm to blame here, for not explaining everything, but i dont want to be labelled as the girl with bulimia by like everyone, so choose to tell only my best friends the details, as they support me.

.Pressure from therapists and doctors
I'm still waiting for a therapy referal. But i have been to groups run by the Ed treatment centre, and i often felt like i was failing to meet their expectations, failing to improve to their allocated time scale, so i felt pressure from this. I also, in a way felt pressure from the group, like i wanted to have positive things to say, and felt crap having once agan binged or whatever in the week...i guess you all know what im getting at. Also, where i live, their is a real lack of mental health services in general, so there is also an element of feeling that you have to be at the worst you could possibly be before you get any help...which goes against every bit of me striving for recovery.
My GP is my hero lol, he is so supportive and helpful and is doing his best pushing referals, and encourages me to see him a couple of times a week just to have a talk while im waiting for referal, just to let things out a bit. The thing is cos hes so fab, i feel like im letting him down for not getting better already, yknow. I know that that is in my head, and im pretty sure he doesnt think that-but its still a thought that bothers me.

I could go on, but this is making me feel a bit depressesd

'lets see what we can do if we apply some pressure'

my families motto.

xxx

apparantly i dont like being hungry...!

I had the most epic hissy ever last night! i spent the day in town with my friend, on a christmas present mission, when we got back to mine, the stupid front door lock had seized up...dont seem to be having a lot of luck with doors these days!

trouble was i was soo incredibly hungry, and REALLy wanted to have some dinner, had it all planned and didnt want to deviate...plus jeez i was soo flipping hungry, which was kinda odd...anyway, just in case you ever get locked out of your house in the night in december when its freezing, dont bother calling the police, cos they wont even give you a number for the locksmith...

Thing was, i lost the plot totally, cos i needed to eat, my house is like my safe place and i was more than ready to be in it...had a freakout trying to figure out what to do and just lost it.my friend eventually got hold of landlord, who said he wouldnt do anything till this morning, so styed at friends, but had a complete paddy about food!


fun fun fun

xxx

The fun fun fun practical consequences of ED!

Ok, so we are all aware of the physical and emotional consequences of ED, and to be fair, most of them are fairly obvious-yes, your going to feel knackered, your stomach is going to hurt A LOT, depression, feeling the cold, i mean i could go on, but we all know what they are.

But not something i've ever really thought about before...but yknow, the plumbing in your bathroom isnt actually designed to deal with the contents of your kitchen on a daily basis. Ok, so this isnt the most pleasant thing to talk about, granted, but i cant be the only person with a plumbing issue.

ok, soo, i think i've totally screwed the plumbing up.Sinks are real slow to empty, the toilet flushes, but i rekon the pipe is prob blocked further along. And doesnt matter how much i clean the plug hole of the shower, it floods everytime i use it-the bottom of the tray fills up. And my house smells like vomit. I CLEAN, before you all think im a scuzz, im kinda obsessive actually, but i think its the pipes, cos as you walk in the front door, you walk up flight of stairs to get to my flat, and it smells, but just on the stairs.And the plumbing/bathroom backs onto the wall here, so i guess thats what it is. Actually, i wondered what the weird smell was for ages, until my friend walked in and was like eugh vic, why does your house smell like sick, which, yknow funtimes!

Anyway upshot is that cant figure out how to fix it...my best friend had a similar issue last year and it cost a LOT to get fixed, and it ended with her ceiling flooding into kitchen. So i've tried everything to help this, not purging in toilet(which is another fun practical problem)-yes im trying to recover from my ED behaviours, but i cant change all at once.And i've used practically the whole of the cleaning aisle in tesco to try unblock.Have poured literal bottles of bleach down loo(i know, big guilt trip for environment)and shower and sink, and i swear its getting worse!

Any ideas?or had anyone else encountered any marvelous problems like this, if so please share so i dont feel like a complete weirdo!

xxx

help!

arg i have the worst urge to binge.....nooooooo!arg i hate you ed! Im gonna keep telling m,yself i'll be even more panicky and made with myself if i do, and its soo not worth the like 2 minutes peace il get for purging...and Ed will just do my head in all day!

DDDIIIISSSSTTTRRRAACCCTTTIIIOOONNN baby!

arg
xxx

:)

four days of breakfast:)

yehaaaaa!

xxx

i CAN do this! :)

I decided to write this stuff as a post, cos in a couple of days when im thinking im total rubbish, i can read back over it. I feel kinda proud of me at the moment, and i really dont ever think i've genuinally felt like that before. I've had breakfast for 3 days without purging, and this feels like a really big achievment right now, all about baby steps:)
And i've been really struggling with low mood recently, and today i went to see my GP and everything just came spilling out, and he just sat there listening to me talking for ages, was REALLY nice, didnt try and hurry me (tad over 10 min slot!) and said lots of nice encouraging things, and said he was really pleased that i managed to tell him that stuff. And he helped me figure out a new more manageable meal plan, and was basically just all kinds of lovliness, and is really pushing through my re-referals for me.
It helped, because i got stuck in a really bad way of feeling like i shouldnt be talking to anyone, and now i guess i feel a little recharged and ready to do battle royale' with ED again!!

:) thanks for everyones lovliness recently

xxx

a lovely little quote...

"Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes its the still quiet voice that whispers-i'll try again tomorrow".

Maryanne Radmacher

my life be like!

Okay, so at the moment its a fine line between me eating the contents of my freezer and then having a very long date with my bathroom, or writing about whats going on...and im guessing this is by far the better option in the long run:)
so here goes AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGG
its amazing what you can block out until you are forced to remember. But this time, I'M in charge, NOT Ed, so its going to go like this. I know what i need to do, and i need to stick to that, and i need to stick to what i know is right for me. So im not going to chicken out and take the easy way and just agree with my mum. I do need help, and im going to get it for myself, so i can get out of this hole. SO i am going to go to the consult for the clinic im thinking of going IP, and it doesnt matter a shred what she thinks, because its just her own denial of her own problems, and im not going through that again.

xxx

I feel like im going crazy:(

I seriously dont know what to do anymore. Because i feel like ive opened pandoras ox-like once you have opened a bit, it all comes spilling out, but im so tired and confused by gettng such mixed messages. because on the one hand, I've got people telling me i need to talk things through, and on the other-well whenever i do, I just get told continuosly that im looking for attention.And im not, I just want some help to deal with how im feeling:(

xxx

Last night-bad times!

So last night was probably up there as one of the worst of my life...I havnt bben feeling great for a while now, and last night I called our MHT's out of hours line, cos I just wanted to talk to someoe about how I was feeling. I spoke to them for a bit, and they asked if it would be ok to call me back, as they had to go out on a visit-which was fine. Anyways, during the time it took them to call back, I fell asleep-and once i actually get to sleep when im feeling low like this, I am literally dead to the world. So was quite surprised to wake up to the police shining a bloody torch in my face and shouting on their radios...I'd slept through out of hours calling me back, they got worried and sent police over. And i managed to sleep through them kicking my door in when i didnt answer. Took me hours to convince them was ok, now have v angry landlord-re broken door, im very confused and now far to worried to ever call out of hours again. GO ME.

Moral-Dont fall asleep while you are waiting for MHT to call you back!

This is why I hate Ed

Dear Ed. I hate you and you manipulative ways. I hate how you turn everything into a negative. I hate the hold you have over me, and I hate how you keep on tightening your grip. You make me hate myself from the inside out. You neer want me to be happy, or to enjoy even the simplest thing, because you have to have my full attention, and you need the spotlight. Why cant you just let me be. My thoughts aren't even my own anymore, so twisted up in yours until I cant tell them appart. i dont know who I am without you, but you repulse me. I hate the way you change the goalposts to fit in with your needs. I hate that we just dont agree on whats best for me, until i just follow you cue. I hate how ill you have made me. I feel useless and worthless, and now I cant even keep you happy, the one thing I could do. I'm always there for you(I have no choice), but what do you do for me?you make me hate myself more and more. Yes, you took away the bad things, yes you made me cope.

But has it reaaly now come to this? I don't have the energy to fight youanymore, but I cant bear to play your game, and be your slave. I hate that this is all I feel able to do.

I hate you Ed.

Yes, it does go a bit like this!

In a never ending bloody circle(well, yes i know circles have no end, but give me a break). However, bit by bit, i think im knocking a pathway out of the circle.

WeRFreedomFighters - Home

WeRFreedomFighters - Home

Distraction

Needed big time. I met up with a friend i havnt seen for a long time today. Was really good to see her, was kinda anxious about it, but was lovely to catch up, she has me nearly wetting myself with laughter-and some things never change-and theres only one Nic!
Now im back home, and I was so pleased with myself earlier, cos we went and had Tapas in town, and i ate a bit, and it was ok. I find it very difficult to eat in front of people, but then me and nic have been in some very peculiar situations together, so could have been worse!

Anyway now im back home, and im struggling. Had some dinner, as was hungry, but now i feel guilty as hell...im so fat, i shouldnt be making it worse, and i ate earlier..but then theres this thumping in my head saying i need to eat to recover, but Ed shouting louder giving me hell.Help.Im trying so so hard not to purge, but i cant get any space from Ed, and im starting to feel desperate.AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG FFS I HATE THIS

xxx

climbing mountains:)

I watched the most amazing encouragement video on the wefreedomfighters channel on youtube yesterday. Have a look for it, it was by Rachel and it really got me.
I liked the way it fits into finding your recovery pathway...that climbing a mountain is never easy, but the achievement when you get there is ALWAYS worth the effort.Its all a journey, you just have to look for the best pathways as you go along. It really puts it all into perspective for me...and i like the way it reminds you that we all need guidance along the way, and that there is nothing wrong with that.

Made me feel a whole lot better. Cos It means that when it all got a bit much the other day, i'd just hit a dead end on the path, and now i just have to find another one thats better for me and carry on climbing. i think that means ive got to stop keeping it all to myself.

xxx

Today

Not quite sure what to think of today...cos on the one had its been pretty productive-have done a mountain of uni work, but on the other hand, i only did it cos needed some big time distraction!oh well, guess thats the way the cookie crumbles...only now, i've ploughed through all the work i out off, and now cant distract myself from it all anymore. I think binging phases are the worst. I literally eat, cant stop then purge...then an hour later it happens again and goes on like that all bloody day...my idea of recovery is to find the middle ground...thats what it means to me, to not constantly be swinging from restriction to binging. But on the plus side...i didnt weigh myself today!Actually i think thats whats been doing my head in all the time...but baby steps...but in my world im mega proud of that:)

xxx

one foot in the hole, one foot getting deeper...

i aint got, i anint got much else to lose!
I love this song!its lyrics form the song 'better days'-christ knows who sang it but its awsome!its in my head right now...it reminds me a lot of this summer:)bit of a weird mix of things, was in hosp for part of it, but most def was some fun times!

xxx

come on now vic!

Thanks guys, both very right-think slip not fall.
today's a new day and all that:)
And its about time Ed gave me some space!

xxx

oh FFS!

Why am i so freaking stupid!have just binged and purged worse than have for ages, am such a failure, and feel so ashamed of myself.i cant do this.

is this a bit weird?

Someone just pointed out to me its weird i write 2 blogs...but actually i find it helpful.See it helps me to remember thats there is more to me than Ed, when its getting overwhelming, and i feel like thats all there is of me.
but if you fancy reading the other one-its what-vicki-wore.blogspot.com

Also helps me to remember that essentially, theres more ot me than Ed-its not the same as me, so i can see it as seperate.

xxx

here's the thing...

ok, so some opinions would be good please...so im absolutely going to put a helluva lot into recovery now...i cant keep getting dragged down and feeling stuck...but the weight thing. Im a bit confused. I mean, does it gradually become insignificant? because the moment, how much i care about it frightens me a little...see i never even really thought my bulimia centered around weight control...was more about emotional control.maybe im just messed up and it actually amounts to the same thing. Either way, i care more about my weight than i ever did right now, and i feel like im pouring all my energy into being anti Ed-like literally, its taking over.
Is this just Ed's way of having a power battle...i mean, like you try and argue and reason it, then it just feels like weight is more of an issue than ever?
Maybe Ed is getting insecure!

xxx

just a thought...

but has it ever occured to anyone else that the first 3 letters of the word 'diet' spell 'die'.

just a thought

xxx

(ps, please dont give me grief about diets-I KNOW thats not what Ed is...is just a thought).

I swear im just doing my own head in!

ok, new tactic...Ed pisses me off, but trying to fight just causes massive issues. So time to try just sitting on it for a while...not doing what it wants, but then not giving in straight away.
so today, the plan is, to try and eat what i planned...and when Ed gives me grief...just sit on it for ten minutes before i do anything...and then see if i can gradually make it longer.

xxx

Stupid Ed!

I just weighed myself, and im trying REALLY hard not to mind that i've manged to put on weight, even though i've been restricting a bit again...its sooo hard tho. Logic tells me its cos I've stopped messing about with laxatives again...so obviously will retain water for a few days. And dont tell me they dont work anyway...I know that, was just having a bad time, and i didnt care, i just had to be lighter.
Fucking hell i hate this!
reading back on it is crazy...i can see that ive basicallylost the plot, ut at the time...well its all you can do.
But im feeling pretty proud of myself that I've started dragging myself out of my hole again, and i reaaly think i can do this now...i dont want Ed hanging over me forever anymore.
on the funny side...you realise you have hit a new level of low when you end up asking your GP for stronger laxatives on perscription(was desperate, and poor!), and he literally spends 5 minutes laughing at you before he composes himself and says NO! good job i love my GP!

xxx

this is a gift...it comes with a price

im listening to rabbitheart by florence and the machine at the mo
the gift is losing the load...the price is Ed
rings true, doesnt it??

Things I wish I didnt care about...

my weight
How big I look
how fat I feel
food
losing weight
keeping Ed happy
playing by the rules
consequences

i think they are all the same thing.this is all i feel my life is about. i dont want this anymore, it makes me so unhappy, but im so tired of pushing then thumping back way down to the ground.

im sorry.i really wanted to write positively about kicking back at Ed, but its all so difficult right now.It even feels hard to write anti Ed stuff.so baby steps again.

thats not my name

ive been thinking a bit about the difference between who you are, what you think you should be and what other people see you as...cos they are not the same, and they are never going to be. The only one that should matter is your sense of self...but not so much!
i am little bits of what everyone else sees in me
but im not going to be Ed
the rest i can work on

xxx

an anti Ed mantra

ED-you ar no longer a friend of mine. it is you that is the spineless one for not allwoing me the freedom to be me-cos you are scared i will MAKE YOU GO AWAY!
and it may take a while...BUT I WILL

Getting my groove back:)

went to group tonight, very strange experience. was talkng about ways of coping and distraction, and i said that , well the ways of coping i have, he ones that work best, are incidently the negative ones imhere to get rid of! they didnt really appreciate that, but at lest i was honest? cos ultimately, i have a lot of interests, and potentialy there are a lot of things that could distract me...the trouble is, if Ed's on a mission, then distraction will get you nowhere.
Actually, have managed to stand up to Ed a lot more today.I went to group, which Ed always hates, and i had a good old chat with my doctor this morning about anti Ed strategies. so i think im ready to start trying to kick Ed back to the hole it crawled out of:)
oooh.think i might be getting my groove back!:)

xxx

not so doom and gloom (numbers mentioned-clothing sizes)

lol god ive been depressing lately! am feeling a bit more with it again now, so im gonna start trying really hard to get past the restriction thing, and try not to swing the other way...ive started writing a food diary again for my doc, and hes gonna help me work out a bit of a plan while the powers that be are deciding what the heck to do with me:p
And ive got group tonight...funtimes, i hate group but thats just because i feel massively awkward with the others, but im gonna really try tonight and see what happens.
incidently, is it any wonder why people get confused?!(im gonna talk a little about clothes size-in a non bad way, but just to warn people who dont want to read)
like, seriously, today im wearing a skirt thats a completely different size-by miles-to the top im wearing. im certainly not what you would call petite, and it confuses the heck out of me that i can wear a size 8 top from one shop, and in another id need a 16-not kidding!and dont even go there with the bottom half!and topshop-i love topshop, but i wish they would sort the sizing out-they only ever have one of each thing in anything above a 12(which they rarely have anyway!), and its so depressing to automatically look for something in the biggest size they do, when in another shop that size would be kinda big. really annoys me, this whole thing.
and sorry-i donormally try and stay away from number talk.

xxx

ggrrrr

gggrrrrr

I feel all wound up. Im sick of being me, and i feel like no one really understands at the moment.
i feel lke im 90% Ed now, and the other 10% is to knackered and done in, and wron down by Ed to really care, or find the energy to start to hit back a bit.

why do i do this to myself?!

ok, i get the you have to be accountable for your own actions...so yes does my head, but equally im responsible for listening to it?im thinking this, cos then logically, this means that its all down to me-changing i mean. Yeh, i have always known this, but i think i have to remind myself that even if i had all the help in the world(which i dont!) then its still all down to me! so its time for me to get my arse in gear again, and start telling Ed to piss off again. sorry this is all a bit oprah again, but ive had a rough few days, and i think the only way of dragging myself up again is to be seriously pro active, and writing about how much i hate Ed always feels like hardcore rebellion.
The other thing im thinking, is that you cant do anything about Ed until you accept why its there...i think now is about dealing with all the reasons and things i used bulimia as an escape and rescue from, and then if i can deal, well maybe if they lose the significance, well surely Ed will start to move away.Dunno.know that doesnt make that much sense written down.

Im a bit messed in the head right now, yknow. cos i had that god awful appointment the otherday, where they told me i was just wasting their time, and discharged me. Thing is, thy said this without having read my notes, and after my doc told them the reasons i was losing it, and how badly i was a risk to myself...and it really hurts when they say its all about attention...cos its NOT.i dont like going to my doctor and telling him i want to jump off a bridge, you do it cos you feel desperate, and need to let it out a bit. My doc is amazing.he lets me tell him whatever i need to (because they havnt found anyone to refer me to yet!), and he gets that i feel like i have to let it out a bit before i biol over with it all.only so long you can keep it to yourself.And then its my time, away from ED to say whats happening.and yeh, Ed hates that, but its worth the fallout for the relief of it.
im going to go now, cos i dont thnk im making a lot of sense.

xxx

i have the best doctor ever!

My doctor is the best:)
he always fixes it all!

xxx

Today

ok, so im feeling a bit more with it now, and today i have a doctors appointment to talk things through...im going to ask about either just seeing one of the surgery counsellers, or just discharging myself from mental health services, because i cant take then continuosly just refering me to other people all the time.
so we shall see!

xxx

me, myself and I

hmn, well i guess i was in a good way last night. still have no idea what to do, and Ed loving it, obviously. so i guess its me, myself and i, sorting this one out! except, ive decided its not even worth asking for help any more, im sick of them just not getting it...cos seriously do they not think if i could stop it, i would have my now?
so-me, myself and I...lets go!! Screw you Ed

xxx

shaky ground

I feel like i already lost.in fact i did. today i met by new care coordinator, who was supposed to set up therapy for me...cos group just isnt the right thing for me...i just feel so inadequate, and i end up feeling like Ed is being fuelled by the whole process. Except now, well for the last 6 months they have been telling me that i need to learn to start talking about whats going on, and not hold it all inside, and i slowly started doing this, and eventually, well i managed to tell my doctor that i was in way over my head and i jsut plain cant cope.was a bit of a cry fest, but i really trust my GP.so i went to see care coordinator today-and i thought i was meeting my new team leader, but no, they decided that i just needed a review...great...and they told me that, well, there not so sure they can help me cos its all about attention seeking.and this woman admitted to not having even read my notes!arg.so now i feel like i cant talk to anyone, im wasting there time and i jsut dont deserve the help.i dont know what to do.it took so much to admit that i just cant handle it alone anymore.and now i feel squashed and like my problems are nothing, and i should just get on with it. but im so confused, cos its taken me this long to realise i have a right to be upset about things that happened in my past, and to realise its ok to ask for help.but what now?its obviously not, and ive just ben labelled as a nutty attention seeker, who needs to just geton with life.well yeh, surely i would have done that by now?!
anyway, now i feel like theres no point in talking and asking for help.
so guess Ed won that power struggle then, cos now its just me and Fucking Ed again.
marvelous.
im so confused, and now im to scared to ask for help again

xxx

Actually, no, im not alright

why do people even bother asking when they dont want to know the real answer!i can count on one hand the people that would actually care what the answer is. But even then, i cant always say it.
so here it is.NO, im not alright, and im sorry to be all negative, but you know what, im sick of pretending to be ok, when actually im falling apart inside.
I hate ED, but im scared to break the rules. I want to be better, but im scared.does that make me a bad person? I dont feel like i can do this. what if im actually nothing without ED? IM not pro ED in the slightest-just to make this clear, im just frightenend and unsure and overwhelmed. And now im stuck in a really bad restriction phase again, which makes it even worse, cos i dont want to be like this. im so messed up.:( any advice always appreciated

xxx

Scary day

Today I meet my new CPN, and have my first meeting for new group therapy-bit full on.
Am really scared and nervous, and everything in between.:(

xxx

ED's day at the beach...when i realised enough was enough!

This summer i spent a lot of time going on random trips to the beach with my friend.
I think i realised id had enough of ED for sure one day when we decided to go for a bit of a walk by the sea. It wasnt the warmest day, but even so, to get ready for this 'trip' the first thing i thought to do was pack and extra jumper and take a bottle of water with me...obviously the first things that spring to mind when someone says BEACH! in the summer!we left our lunch in the car in case it 'melted',went in the sea with all our clothes on, and thought it was a good thing we were cold for hours after.
ENOUGH ALREADY!cos if you let it, ED gets in the way of all the fun stuff in life, takes even the smallest things and turns them to its advantage...i think it kind of hits home sometimes...so got to keep going, and not letting ED win.I want to find out what im about...tho im pretty sure that could take a while.
slowly but surely wins the race.

xxx

the thing about you is that you see me through...GO AWAY ED!

The trouble with Ed is that its ALWAYS watching, and waiting to kick you when your already going way down.
See the thing is, when you dont know any better, Ed makes all the bad stuff go away, and replaces it with something you can do-it makes the own rules to its game. Its almost like it offeres to save you, a trade off-its only a good few years down the line that you realise you traded your life away:(
Ed will take away the small stuff for a price- obedience, following the rules, playing its game...the thing is the big stuff, the stuff that tears you up inside out will cost you your life...sure ED will take it away from you. BUt it all accumulates and IT WILL come back like a ton of bricks.I HATE YOU ED, i cant get away from you.But im scared to break your rules, because what will be left of me then?
How can you start to seperate your life from EDs control, when you dont even know who you are without ED? I want out soo bad.but right now Im terrified.

I guess i just have to put my foot down.GO AWAY ED and leave me the hell alone.

xxx

feeling a bit blue

It seems like a whole lot of people are telling me i need to learn to be happy with myself at the moment. And I get that, I really do, its just that ED doesnt seem to understand that yet...theres always something I could do better/be better at.

And the thing is, the longer ED has been in my life, the harder it is to keep ED happy, he just keeps on tightening his hold. I guess im struggling a bit today. I think the problem is, that I dont really know what me is. Its like im made of all these little bits that other people want me to be, yknow. Cos Ed wants me to be perfect, and nothing short of that will do...I have to be the best, even though I know ts really not possible. And my friends think im a certain person, and my family have all these perceptions of me too. And the thing is, I've grown up aspairing to everyone elses ideal but mine. At the moment I feel Like Ed is about 70% of me, i wish I could seperate it all again. I HATE EDs trap.

Doesd anyone else find that rebelling against ED can have the worst consequences? Im determined to keep writing this, cos its kind of like sticking a finger up at ED.

I know i can do this, well at least i think i can.I have enough of ED, and i need out, i want my life back. BUt its soo damn hard:(

xxx

Useful info

I really love this book-i found it very difficult to read, but then i realised it was because i was reading a book about myself. Its all about developing an anti ED stance, and learning that ED is completely seperate from you, and above all, not your friend.
It also tells yuo at the beginning of each chapter if its going to be be difficult/possibly triggering to read.

'Biting the hand that starves you-inspiring resistance to anorexia/bulimia'
Authors Richard Maisel, David Epston, Ali Borden. Published by Norton. its available on amazon, for anyone who fancies a look.

The authors also have a website which has sections of the book to download, and writing from members of the anti ED league, which is mentioned in the book a lot. The website is brilliant.

http://www.narrativeapproaches.com

Another briiliant website is http://weRFreedomfighters.webs.com/
They also have a channel on youtube weRFreedomfighters, and hey put up a different pro recovery video every day-these people are fantastic!!

xxxx

First things first...

I was so determined to stay away from the whole online eating disorders thing...but some idiot has just posted a ton of pro mia stuff on my livejournal, which i have now blocked. I am soo angry!!

Soo-first things first, PLEASE DONT contact me if you are in any way pro ana/mia, im working hard towards recovery and im determined to get better-i dont want ED taking over my life anymore. Please help me by not asking me for tips and tricks, cos i wont be replying.
I do understand that some people get to the stage where they feel they just have to except ED as part of who they are. Believe me i felt that too, but now i dont want to let Bulimia win.

What I wanted to do was just write about things that are helping me, and id like to talk to people with the same sort of idea, and offer support to those that would like it :)
im happy to share my experiences with anyone and talk about what has helped me in therapy etc, so mssg me or leave a comment, and il put up links to Pro recovery stuff.

sorry for the ramble!I never thought id write a blog about my ED, but its a step away from the privacy of it all...cant keep it all in forever:)
But seriously, it drives me mad, search Bulimia on youtube etc, and you get a ton of people wanting to know how to throw up, and things like that...Bulimia isnt just about being on a diet(which it really isnt, before you all grumble at me!), its about the feelings behind the behaviour.
And its soo not cool, or a good idea to try and 'give yourself' an eating disorder, or aspire to have one...i dont get that...its not something you can just play at...yeh sure, go through the motions until you realise its swallowed you whole-pardon the pun, but this attitude majorly winds me up.

So lets talk Pro Recovery! please leave comments/suggestions :)