This week in Vickiland ( April 30th)-a summary of this and that!

This weeks Theme tunes have been-

'Better Days'- Citizen King
'Closer'- Kings of Leon
'Sweet about me' -Gabriella Cilmi
'Drive' - Incubus
'Dice' - Finley Quay
'Back for good' - Take That (and i make no apologies for this!)
'She left me on Friday'- Shed Seven
'Breakeven' - The Script
' Shine On' - The Kooks
'Say it right' - Nelly Furtado
'Daydream Believer' - The Monkees
'Notion' - Kings of Leon

Outfit of the week-
well, its a toss-up between the amazing shorts and what i was wearing today- Fab high waisted navy/white stripe skirt with big buttons with anchors on them, blue vest top tucked in, with big navy and white stripey bow corsage, black leggings, ballet shoes(like, actual ballet shoes), and a red cardigan that probably belonged to someones nan-its kind of hideous and amazing all rolled into one (and we all know what a fine line that is!), red shiny 'wool' with these gold/pearl buttons.LOVE!!!

Lust item of the week

I really do think its about time the fabulous Motel started paying me for advertising services! I keep trying to find a pic of the spotty shorts but i cant! and silly River island wont let me steal the pic of my skirt haha

So this is my current object of affection from MOTEL!who make the best dresses ever!




Book Of  the Week
well, im not gonna lie-this SHOULD have been 'a guide to human movement', but in fact, was 'Comet in moominand' because its the best comfort reading ever! Thanks Jessie!

Hours spent on phone to jobcentre plus-
Many.

Number of sensible, helpful people spoken to at jobcentre plus (sorry, i obvioulsy mean knobcentre!)-
0

Ridiculous moment of the week-
That would be riding down the pavement of Mitchell Hill in Truro sitting on a skateboard. in broad daylight!

Victory of the week
Not lamping somebody for talking about my mum at college
actually going to college
Not cutting after a really difficult time yesterday when something reminded me of mum A LOT.

Total amount of work/credits completed!
9 credits

1 Presentation prepared
1 'Critical analysis' for study skills
and a lot of revision for anatomy exam!

At popular request....!!!

Haha this is christmas, and must be some sort of exercise in wearing as many clashing thing at once! The dress is a little tea dress that my friend gave mne when she moved to bristol, and  is a fav just cos of that really. the cardigan has little bows on it, the tights are just plain cool, and my friend had bought me the bag for christmas! oooh notice the legendary rupert jumper in the background!!

I have no idea what im doing here! pic is rubbish but the dress has an awsome anchor print on the skirt, is one of my fav Motelrocks dresses!

 
excuse the ridiculous mess in my flat-that was before i got my storage units and had to just pile things in the corner-im not that messy really!! haha you cant really see-but the leggings are blue leopard print, and my dress (ok, its technically a top) has a massive blue sequin bow!

I dont have that many pics of me about-cos im quite photo shy, but i shalltake some pics of my more ridiculous clothes and put them up for you to laugh at!!

Rocking it out vic style!

I've just spent a rather enjoyable evening sorting through my clothes cupboard and rail:)

call me superficial, call me lame-in fact, call me anything you like-but i LOVE clothes! I love fashion, and putting my own little quirks to it. I like experimenting, and wearing silly clothes for a laugh. A fact about me-

'there is nothing i wouldnt wear!'

This has been pointed out by my friends a few times-and just so you know guys, i always take it as a compliment hahaha. Anyways, its become a bit of a game to challenge me to wear hidoeus(fabulous) outfits, to see if they can actually find something I wouldnt wear. which they wont hahaha

so far, in the name of this game, i have rocked it out wearing-

A flowery granny dress
Leopard skin leggings, that are made from some weird rubbery stuff
A snow white outfit, probably designed for a 5 year old!(subsequently, we have managed to get all of our male friends to wear it too!)
A bright red 'power suit', complete with shoulder pads, could have been from the Dallas costume department!
A Laura Ashley dress, circa 1980
leggings(before they were cool again, with some sort of disgusting paisley print on them) and a crop top
and basically anything else hidoeus/disgusting/weird/unidentifiable my friends have managed to find in various charity shops!

My favourite skirt is my tutu, and i quite often sit at home wearing it, holding my fairy wand, cos it makes me happy! I have got some pretty awsome clothes if i do say so myself. My friend bought me an amzing pair of shorts in the sale yesterday, to cheer me up-and also-because she didnt quite believe that i would ever wear them! they are the stuff of legends! Black with white polka dots, this weird shiny fabric, high waisted with big buttons, then the legs are baggy, so kinda looks like a skirt.Think along the lines of something your mum would have worn back in the day!I was wearing them with a black leotard, and bright pink tights woth black spots.

Did I look ridiculous-hell yeh!!Do I care-no, really not!

is it cos im cool?damn right it is!

xxx

wheres this going?(9/60 credits and some IT nonsense)

Answers on a postcard please!

Its 2pm, im lazing about my flat-which is a tip-wearing tracksuit bottoms(something which never happens in vicki land) and i feel so uninspired to do ANYTHING right now. And I cant help thinking that by writing about this, I'm just buying into it even more. The thing is, blogging does kind of fill up a hole in my life right now. But im also thinking that maybe, its giving the ED and the SI behaviours more emphasis in a not so good kind of way. I think this kind of occured to me after reading what a few other people have posted about this, and it sort of rings true.

so im thinking i might start posting on my other blog more, or maybe kinda merge the two together.Cos maybe having them seperate is actually the problem, and jumbling all the things i think about, like and what to write about together might help me feel more like me again.

I'm sorry i havnt been all that great with keeping up with peoples blogs recently.its not cos i dont care-really. Everything is triggering me kinda bad right now, so i guess ive just been playing it safe.

lots of love
xxx

todays adventures

I think im in love with formspring-please keep asking silly questions, it makes me laugh!!!

bloody hell my stomach REALLY hurts.

today was my best friends birthday.we went to the theatre this evening t see a dance company, which was amazing. we spent the afternoon riding down  hill on a skateboard, cos we are cool like that hahaha(and by that i mean we SAT on the board and shoved eachother down the hill!im not really 25 lol)

I also finally saw my cpn today.On Monday, i got so fed up with lack of contact and support, i wrote a complaint letter ant took it down to the CMHT office. funnily enough, after getting that, my CPN had a 'cancellation'.

She made me feel like utter scum for asking for help.like i was just wanting attention.so i told her i was sick of it-of having to fight for help. how i felt so bad, i feel like giving in to ed and si all the timenow, and how i feel unable to cope with things.she ummed and ahhed a lot, but eventually admitted that i prob needed some sort of therapy, but it would be a long wait, kore tha likely.erm ive been waiting since last year, and its fucking outrageous that the only reason that they recognise i might need help is cos mum died,.so itl prob never actually happen.she told me to stop keeping food diaries, as they are triggering me to restrict.

ugh i fee really ill, my tummy hurts soo bad.think will finish this in morn xxx

formspring.me-got copycatitis haha

 sorry Katie, got copycat-itis!
hehe this thing is genius!


Ask me anything http://formspring.me/vickilovesbows

The enevitable 'its all gone wrong post'-TRIGGER WARNING

erm, so this might be triggering.

I feel ill and miserable, possibly one is the result of the other-ha which can first, the illness or the misery?!
So i had something to eat, then had a proper fit about it.it was horrible, like ED was screaming at me that I was even more hideous and useless, and thats all i could think about. And i tried to sit with it-and managed for about half an hour (which, lame as it sounds, its actually a big step forward for me) but I made myself sick, drunk toms of water to make sure everything was out, then, cleverly managed to puke up a fair amount of blood(sorry, gross, i know). This actually happens quite a lot.the blood thing, i mean. I've had an endoscopy before, and I've got an ulcer from purging, so i always just assume i've irritated it when this happens. I've been to my doc a few times about it, but i dont think they grasp how MUCH blood it is (im talking cups full), and just tell me to stop throwing up (yeh, i know that!) and a few flecks of blood is fine. my stomach has been hurting a lot recently. But to be honest-well i've been hurtin so much fullstop recently, i didnt really notice. i'm really not feeling to fantastic. and this is prob oart of the reason im stupidly anaemic right now. I;m trying to get through to the ot of hours service to see what they think, or see if they can talk to my doc about it.

The other completely idiotic thing that i have done is this. Last night, i cut the arm i NEVER cut.like ever.its always the other, or my stomach, i guess im subconsciosly limiting scarring to certain places or something.i know its a bit weird. but im so pissed with myself that I did that. And it felt sodifferent to my other arm.I guess thats in my head.but im so mad with myself i did that. it does make it a little better to think that it wasnt as bad as normal.and i havnt ourged as much recently, im realy trying with all my might to stop that.i've cut down the amount I was purging, and half the time when it does go wrng-i have managed to sit with it a while longer than before.

arg sometimes i HATE living in cornwall.got no stupid phone signal now grrrr
i feel horrible.ugh, someone give me a bloody good shove PLEASE!!

xxx

Eating, breathing, and other self indulgent wastes of time (8/60 credits.and not much else)

hmn, other self indulgent wastes of time probably includes this entire post, but, hey just to mix it up a bit, il write it anyway. (haha just looked at what i just typed-typo in every word!!)

Time is an annoying little bugger.sometimes it goes so slowly, it makes you want to shoot yourself, just so you would have some mess to clear up. Other times it goes so fast and leaves you super stressed, and wondering if you actually have time to breathe, blink, and other essential life processes.And its always easy to 'forget' to eat when you have no time.

see, thats the thing i cant get my head around-this food malarky. yeh, people eat. but i dont see how people eat for pleasure, like its some sort of social activity. Ok, so i know that people are supposed to eat, its just that my brain doesnt connect that means me too. it just seems so...self indulgent. and wrong. i dont want all that food churning around in my stomach. i dont want it making me fatter and fatter, and making me feel so weak willed. BUT. Neither do I want to live with all this miserable stress about food anymore.

I just cant get my head around the fact that needing to eat isnt something i should be ashamed of.its not like some sort of dirty little secret-like, 'oooooh guess what i saw, that vicki girl was EATING!!' and i can write that. But truth be told-well i dont beleive it.

xxx

i just dont know anymore (i dont care how many credits/60)

I dont know any more. whatt the heck am i supposed to do.could someone PLEASE tell me, cos im not entirely sure how much longer i can function like this. Did i mention that i hate college?ok, so maybe i did a couple of times. some cacky little pikey came up to me today and said 'oooh YOUR that freaky girl whose mum killed herself. are you like, all emo or something, cos someone said that you wrote about cutting yuorself up?!'

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG

i officially HATE my life

I dont understand why my mum hated me so much.the very ast thing she said to me was 'piss off'.why would you do that?what did i ever do that was so awful.and why would you have 5 children when you clearly didnt like any of them. I did everything she wanted and it was never enough. would it be enough if i died too?

I cant eat. I cant stay awake for more than 2 hours at a time, which aint that useful when you have this much to do.my new meds are making me want to jump off a bridge. i spent the whole of last week trying to call my cpn, and ahe doesnt seem to want to call me back. dont spose anyone fancies calling her and telling her ive actually lost it, and would she like to do her job??!!

i used to just want someone to tell me it would be ok, and that I would be ok-but i just dont believ it anymore.im not strong-and im not coping-all i do is make stupid jokes to deflect from the real issues-my mum just died, ive got a rape trial coming up, and Ed's trying to kill me.sweeeet.keep it coming. no.no more of this.thats it now.

conclussions (4/60 credits, half written prac report and some pretty pointless study skills worksheets.oh.and some playdough)

Having just written the longest blog post title ever, i've come to the conclussion that, actually, all i really need to do is spend the next century or so in bed, with my moomin books (thanks jessie), my industrial sized stress ball, and julian paul (unfortuantey, not some secret boyfriend i have stashed away.hes my sock monkey.although he is very cute.).

problemo solved!i dont have to move to London if im in bed to go to uni-cos i wont have 60 bloody credits at distinction level (and seriously, what kind of joker tries to do a years worth of work in 2 months anyway!), cos i wont have to go to college!result!!!

from this, you might guess that im not exactly looking forward to going into college tomorow.in fact, im very tempted to claim a mental health day, schedule in a nervous breakdown for around 11am and stay in bed for remainder of life....how very tempting. Truth be told-id actually quite like a day snuggled up in bed, watching crap films, drinking wine and feeling sorry for myself. there are a few things that prevent this from happening.

I dont really do self indulgent.well, thats not really true-it happens, as you can tell from reading my blog, i soend most of my life feeling sorry for myself...it just makes me despise myself even more. Secondly-well, my life has to run according to the day planner HTT made me.this is THE LAW. and it says that i go to college on mondays, i take a packed lunch with me, and i come home and do my homework like a good girl, play with my stressball and then 'phone a friend' in the evening.So this is what i have to do. Or i'll end up in PRISON (bodmin hospital). Thirdly-well, i think one and two cover it actually.

bloody hell.I've just read that back.maybe, im actually HAVING a breakdown now!

i should probably go now

yeh

xxx

well, this is a challenge alright! (4/60 credits, lots of revision, a mangled printer and 3/4 of a critical analysis)

well, i think there is a reason that this course is a year long, and in fact, isnt designed to be completed in 2 months...

but hey, i never like doing anything the normal way! it wouldnt be half so bad if i didnt have to do all this studyskills/maths/english rubbish, which is all really pointless and takes soo long-and doesnt even bloody couny towards credits half the time!

but, on the plus side-there isnt a muscle in the body i cant name. except for the one your about to ask me to name!haha

right!i now have a choice of biochemistry(i think, on the whole-not) or drawing a super duper diagram of a synovial joint.hmn.decisions.

xxx

garden ornament death toll!(4/60 credits, 1 presentation and a lot of revision)

See, what Home Treatment Team should have told me about the stress releieving qualities of playdough, is that If you mould it in to little models of all those you most despise-marketing people from college, jobcentre plus employees (particulary the one who must have failed the 'click payment realise button' course) and then throw then really hard out of the window/stamp on then/stick pins in them/flatten to pulp-

they arent many thing that are more satisfying!

also, i think i might have beheaded the garden gnome again by throwing the bloody stuff out of window!

general sillyness (3/60 credits, half a presentation and a broken printer)

What does general sillyness ACTUALLY mean? I dont know.I just couldnt think of a title for this blog post.
it could mean quite a lot of things i guess.

Its probably a little silly that i just had a massive 'i feel and look like a hideous freak' and cancelled my date tonight. Its probably a little silly that im sitting here wishing I was someone else. Its equally silly that i'm having enormous issues with SI right now. ive just manged to burst a freaking stressball. i dont think your supposed to be able to do that.

its probably even more stupid that i just smashed up the only photo of mum and me i have in a fit of anger. I feel really bloody angry at her right now.for everything.for all the shit. for all her shit.for ED.for all the shit i was pushed into doing to make her happy.well, look where its got me.fucking nowhere. i dont know what i feel like, or who i am anymore.im just the girl wih the playdough.yay me. and freaking jobcentre managed to screw up my paymebt again.I now havnt had an actual ESA payment for nearly 4 months.i just get these emergency payments, or half of what im due-never the actual amount im supposed to.so what ARE they doing with the money anyway-cos im doubting they are ploughing it back in to the servivce to improve its effeiciency or anything.maybe they are docking postage costs from my payments for all the many, many letters i get a week. Either way im getting sick of attempting to make a fiver last 2 weeks, and having to ask friends to help me.cos it makes me feel like scum.

at this point id normally consider calling the out of hours service. but instead, i shall make models of my 'feelings' with the playdough, and save them the bother of telling me to do it!

xxx

GAME ON!!!! (start-60 credits to go)

Right-here's the deal

Because im super silly and avoided college like the plague for ages (and funnily enough, aint all that keen to go back now!), I now have 2 months to get 60 credits done-all graded at distinction if i want to go to - oh bollocks, best not write that one either!-my first choice uni. I'l give you a clue-think george and the dragon haha

that breaks down to about 20 assignments, worth 3 credits each. and i've got an exam on monday i CANT miss.

I have to do 2 presentations on top of this and a maths and English unit that doesnt count towards my credits.I have A level maths, so this just plain annoys me.

It looks hideous written like this-but none of it is difficult.I only had to do this course cos i had been out of education for a while. So in effect, i've studied this stuff umpteen times before.its just tedious and looong hahha.so its actually totally doable.

I did one assignment yesterday, so im down to 57!

I like a challenge, me :p

LETS GO!!

time to count those sheep

I'm going to bed now in the hope that when i wake up in the morning all this will have gone away.

I really am not ok

there.said it.

xxx

spoke waaaaay to soon

its still being read.I know this cos apparantly my last post was 'innapropriate'

excuuuse me???

i dont want a private blog, its hassle, and just the principal of doing it winds me up.but im prob gonna stick it back on private later to save the hassle.not that it really helps.but makes me feel a bit better. but il give people a chance to read why im blocking it AGAIN first

sorry for messing about

im so pissing angry about this!!

xxx

keeping secrets kills

sorry pardon mon francais in the title, but-HELP!

i've just taken my blog off private, cos even when its private, it can still be found and read in search engines-WTF?!?! does anyone know how to fix this? I changed the permissions tab in settings to 'dont allow to show in search', but im guessing that just most apply to blogger searches. So there isnt any point in making it private-cos it can still be read (and probably is)being read my 'my place of learning'.I cant even wirte the 'c' word anymore (no, not the rude one your thinking of!) cos it flags up.I've just fiddled about searching loads of variations, and its always top of the bloody list!

i feel like ive been outed, big style-but by my own stupidity. I dont want to have a fake name.And i dont want to have to make up a load of crap about what courses im doing etc-the whole point was that this was somewhere i could write what i felt-and whats the point if it all has to be fake? there isnt any point ib changing the ip-cos it will still flag up.no point in changing my name-cos 'place of learning(POL from now on, im bored of writing it)' will just find it anyway. Basically, whenever i write POL or where i live-even if its in diff posts-it flags up. SHIT. I really wish i'd thought about this

However-i dont think im doing anything wrong.I've not said anything bad about POL, and anyhow-im allowed to have an opinion. its no worse writing it here than joining a crap group on facebook or something. And if people want to write judgemental comments well-so the heck what?fuck em. LET them talk about me, let them slag me off. Anymore nasty insensitive commenst about my mum will probably end with me in prison, but apart from that-just growup and fuck off, yknow. To be fair, the opinions of some misinformed, imature idioys are really the least of my worries right now.

And maybe, hopefully-well perhaps someone with similar ED/SI issues read it at college.and maybe it made them feel like they weren the only one. might even help them.Its kinda like Liverpool all over again, when people laid into me for all the rumours that went around after i went to the police about assault. But hey-its 2 more months, then i am soo out of there.

soooo, im back baby!yehaaaaaaa!

Because keeping secrets kills. And i need to keep talking.

Friday

I dont really know why-but ive been waiting for friday to come around all week. This is odd-because nothing is going to happen any dofferently tomorow.I have nothing planned. As usual, I dont need to go into the lessons that run at 'my place of learning' on Fridays, as they are not compulsory if you can do the work at home. I was thinking i'd go in and swhow that im not taking this shit from them.But really, im not that brave.

Back to the Friday thing.Its not like im even thinking-oh yehaa weekend ahoy or anything. so its weird that i have spent the ENTIRE week being focussed on getting to friday. maybe its because it means i'll have dragged my sorry ass through another week. I dont really like weekends anyway-i know-shock horror-but i like the structure if a weekday.they fit nicely into my routine. weekends just throw a spanner into the works. And at the moment-i'm slightly ashamed to admit that i cannot deal with any sort of change to my routine. And sundays entirely mess up my 'go shopping for days food' routine ( i buy small amounts each day to help prevent binging-by only having that days meals in house) by the shops being open at different times. And everyone wants to relax and do fun things on sundays.This isnt in my routine.so i cant do it.

I think i need therapy.

so i'm a bit confused right now.well thats nothing new really. I know exactky whats going to happen tomorow-because its friday, and this is what happens on fridays- i'll have obligatory argument with jobcentre plus as soon as phoneline opens (9am) as they will have not paid me again. Then il have a little cry for 10 minutes at how shit they are. because im 'allowed' to be upset' by this.I'l have meals at my usual times. il go to the library and get some books for the weekend. i'l consider going to my IT lesson at 'place of learning' for 5 minutes before i come to the conclussion its a total waste of £5 bus fare. I'll go to topshop, and admire pretty things for a while, play 'i wish' and maybe even try some things on to kill some time. you dont need to tell me how tragic this is.i know. i'l wish i was going out and having a good time in the evening, instead of crying about how hideous i look and feel. if im especially lucky il spend the evening in a and e getting stitched up.who wouldnt enjoy a day like that!

i really DO need therapy

so i dont know why im so excited itsd friday tomorow.Because it doesnt actually mean anything at all.I'm feeling so sad right now.i dont even know where to start.

but hey, its friday tomorow

xxx

I've just realised something super cool:)

In all of the rubbish that happened yesterday with my blog getting pulled up at college-I didnt binge/purge or self harm!

now thats not bad going:)

xxx

uneasy and unsure

I feel really uneasy writing here now. and unsure what to do. this blog is now private due to what happened with college, in an attempt to stop people reading it that i dont want to. I guess i was very naive not to see it coming really.

But im not keen to remove my name/change address and details-its my blog-my life-and i havnt actually doe anything wrong.and changing it would be reinforcing in my head that i have done wrong, and i should be ashamed of what i write about.

and i dont think thats the way it should be. I wanted to encourage others by writing this, in the hope that we can support eachother through blogging-and people can feel they are not alone in feeling this way.so making my blog private goes againstthese things for me, but its necessary for now. i decided i didnt want to stop blogging-as its my only real outlet, and i do so need it at the mo.

could someone do me a favour, and make a link to my emailaddress or something (vickilovesbows@googlemail.com) so people can ask for invites if they want them? if you have my hotmail email-im still using that. but dont want to post it here

thankyou everyone for your support when this kicked off

and DONT POST YOUR COLLEGE NAME!lesson learnt

il write a proper explanatory post when ive sussed out if they can still search it. And im going to have to delete some posts i think-so dont think ive done it because of what any of you have commented!

lots of love and thanks

sods!they aint kicking me even more while im down!i need my blog!i love my blog, and i love all of you!

xxx

end of my blog.its been real nice knowing you all

Erm, i think my life just fell apart

A WARNING-

DO NOT MENTION THE NAME OF YOUR COLLEGE/UNI ON YOUR BLOG
cos when the powers that be in the marketing office check which sites are mentioning them by searching, up will pop your blog. And im telling you-its really not fun when that happens. or when EVERYONE now knows the horrible details of your private life.and questions you on them.relentlessly.

anyway, im assuming you all have more brains than i do, and had realised not to do that anyway.

so i guess thats it. its been really nie knowing you all. but i cant keep this blog going now. i'm not sure if im just going to transfer it someone where, or shut it, so im posting this so you dont think ive disappeared of the face of the earth. prob best not to comment on this, cos i dearsay my blog is still being read,to check i havnt made an 'inappropriate reference'.

erm yeh.so now ive lost the only outlet i actually had.
if i move my blog, ill ask one of you to post my new address, or stick up my email addy or something.

so-i hope everyone takes care
love you all lots
vics xxx

i'm really scared

I'm really scared about going to college again tomorow. I'm not sure why its such a massive deal, it just really feels like it.And i dont know what to do.It feels majorly too much right now-but its ony going to get worse if i dont go. but im so scared and anxious and its making me cry already, and im not even there yet.

Got an email this morning form my tutor to say first lesson was cancelled, so was thinking-well thats ok, i can do that, its just an afternoon, its not to long and itl be ok, its just 3 hours, its fine etc etc and got it all in my head.that id stick with my little morning routine then rock along to get the bust at 12. But when I got back this eve from going for a little stroll for air, i had an email saying we DID have a lesson in the morn, someone was going to cover it. which made me feel panicky, cos im rubbish at dealing with plans changing-and for christ sake, how stupid AM I, its not even like its a big deal ffs. The only thing I feel really capable of at the moment is hiding under my duvet and crying.which i do very well. WHY am i being so silly here?i know im being daft, but even that isnt enough to make me snap out of it. If i cant even cope with XXX college, how am i going to cope with uni in London? I cant do with the questions, and people asking about my mum-i really wish my tutor hadnt asked me about her in front of everyone- and the sinking feeling that im just going to fail anyway, cos ive left it all far too late, theres an impossible amount to do, and i dont even know where to start. And my control freak perfectionist brain is NOT seeing defering as an option. i caaant do that, ive spent years defering my life away.so knowing all this, why cant i just bloody SORT IT OUT.

I look like absolute cak at the moment.I'm all puffy and bloated from the few days ive really cut down on purging. I took my cardi off on monday, genuinly forgetting the newish SI marks on my arm-and someone made a really nasty comment about being 'slash happy'. my skins got all skanky, my hair falls out if i touch it, and i generally look all kinds of gorgeous, NOT. None of my clothes are fitting right-either to big or to small, and i feel so uncomfortable with myself.

and now im really pissed off at myself, because i ended up cutting, and id managed 3 whole days without-which is the longest ive managed for weeks now. in fact-well thats just pathetic within itself really isnt it-3 days, whoop -de-doo, most people domt do it at all. jeeezus i need to stop crying and sort my life out.

 and why does any of this even matter anyway.


i just want my mum back. I know its stupid, but i just really want someone to lookafter me, give me a hug, and tell me its going to be ok. I've never felt so utterly alone in my whole life.

xxx

little girl lost

so this is what bo-peep felt like when she lost her sheep

DO i have 'please feel free to throw crap at me' written on my head or something??

I sometimes wonder, I really do

And i mean that literally too. Bloody seagull just shat all over my head for THE SECOND TIME IN A WEEK!! sometimes I really hate living in cornwall!

So, i went to college this morning, could only stay for the first lesson, because i had my discharge meeting/care review this afternoon, but i didnt want to use that as an excuse to chicken out of going. Also thankyou to my lovely friend who lent me the money to get to college:) college sucks.I'm pleased that I went, and pleased that I didnt bolt out of there after 10 mins in floods of tears like i wanted to. Let me explain soemthing about college in cornwall. There are 2-one on XXX, where all the cool people go, and one in XXX-which is the pikiest place on the planet!Guess which is the one that does my pre-physio course??!! I was having such a 'im so fat and hidious' freak out this morning, but eventually managed to get dressed and out of the door. So i rocked up to college, and went to class. within 5 minutes of being there, 3 people had sniggered at what i was wearing (i actually take this as i sign that i looked awsome!), and everyone in my class kept asking me why i hadnt been in forever. So i manged to mumble some kind of excuse about family stuf, and being ill, when lovely Jack came and plonked himself next to me, gave me a massive hug and a big smooch on the forhead:) cutie. which earned me a 'death stare' from the girl that fancies the pants off jack (actually, come to think of it, so do i!). And i'm like, jeeezus!im 25!and i feel like im back at secondary school!its soo demoralising. I really dont think people realise how much a snide comment can actually really hurt someone. Then my tutor came in, and in front of everyone asked how i was feeling about mum, and how did the funeral go etc etc...ARG. I'd had to email him to explain my even more prolonged absence, and figured (vague) honesty was the best policy. So that was all kinds of fun. Then spent the next half hout hiding in the toilets literally sobbing, when jack came to find me, and convinced me to go back to class with him and gave me a big hug.which actually, i really needed.

Ileft at lunchtime to go to my discharge meeting thingy, got there, and was then told that my CPN had double booked herself, so couldnt be there.NICE.handy consiedering HTT were going to transfer my careplan back to her! Anyway, I dont have HTT anymore, my CPN had disappeared of the face of the Earth, and I still dont have any sort of counselling or therpay sorted out. I went to the docs earlier and asked to be refered to grief counselling through the surgery-was told that my problems were a bit to complex for the surgery counseller...WTF, am i total freak or something!

ok, i know i'm being pittyfully (is that a word?) sorry formyself right now...but just indukge e for 5 mins yeh.
i'm just wondering what WOULD need to happen in order for me to get some help down here.I KNOW its uo to me to change.im outting the effort in, im trying, i just want to talk to someone to get thois stuff out, and have some guidance regarding food.


hmn.i think i'd quite like an umbrella to protect me from the next enevitable downpour of shit.

xxx

A letter im sorely tempted to send

Yesterday i went through my post for the week-had just ignored it all and chucked it all in pile, cos i couldnt quite face the enevitable rubbish for joncentre plus

I GOT EIGHT LETTERS FROM THEM IN A WEEK!!!!

one to tell me the date of my appeal
one to change date of appeal
one to ask me to confirm my address(errrr, ok?)
one to change date of appeal back to original date
one to tell me that they had no record of my claim enquiry(so why the appeal hearing dudes!go on, use your brain just a little!)
one to ask for a new med (mine still covers me for another 4 weeks)
one containing a form to appeal for a care grant(for who?!to care for myself??)
and one asking me to resubmit all my appeal evidence(copies of letters, note from consultant at hosp etc)nice to know they take care of these things!

i've just composed them a nice little letter, which im very tempted to send

dear knobcentre plus

yes, thats a deliberate typo, as I cannot believe anyone with a brain would have sent me the letters i have received in the past week. I understand that problems arise-so have no issue with the date of my appeal being changed.I do however find it slightly confusing to recieve 2 letters telling me differeing dates, both with the same postal date. I'm also mystrified as to why you would WRITE to someone to ask for address conformation. A phone call i could undersand. But-having spent the last year exchanging pleasentries with you (and very enjoyable its been too) i would have hoped that you could have least grasped where i live. But alas, I confirm i am indeed residing at the same address you sent all those other letters to.

Thankyou for your concern regarding my medical certificate expiary.As you could no doubt see (if you logged into your computer) mine does not run out for another month.But I do appreciate the hint that it will probably take you this long to process my new one, so i shall send it along promptly, which should allow you three weeks or so to click the 'release payment' button on the computer.

I would very much like to take up your offer of a care grant, thankyou very much. I can only assume its to make up for the fact that i have not been in receipt of an ESA payment for 4 MONTHS now, and that you obviously have a sudden overwhelming concern that you have indeed left me to starve and become homeless.I thankyou for your efficiency. I do though fear that i would have died of malnutrittion before you process the forms-so do us all a favour and dont bother, eh?

i again (for the third time) enclose the evidence for my appeal. please try not to lose it this time, as i have to pay my GP everytime he writes the explanatory letters for me.

As ever, thankyou for your sympathetic service

with best wishes
(that they sack you all very very soon)
vicki baker(yes-the same one that lives at the above address, and who, does, infact exist).

knobcentere plus feel my wrath!cos im so NOT in the mood right now.

hurray!survived morning at college, now off to HTT handover meeting thingy

xxx

having a paddy!

I dont want to go to college:(

i know i have to.and i promised that nice HTT dude that I would try

but im so scared

havnt been for so long

and cant be doing with all the 'where have you been' questions

the enevitable mum questions from my tutor

and its gonna chuck it wth rain so cant even wear what i planned and now im having a 'i look fat in everything' meltdown

xxx

Plugging the hole up is all i ever do

I think i'm in denial about my entire life.the fact that i exsit even, probably.

I was talking to the lovely Jessie earlier, and it really got me thinking about this. See, denial is this amazing thing that lets you push everything into a little hole, out of the way and pretend it never happened.

until you find that your hole has completely filled up.

I think a big part of the reason that i've not really lost it right now is that my old friend denial came to help me out. So, none of this stuff happened, this whole mess and heartache-if i dont buy into it it will go away. And when it pushes itself to the forefront of my mind-flashes forward, ny brain just goes 'IGNORE, IGNORE, and it cant hurt you'. so it gets shoved back into the hole, and happy days, you get ten minutes before it happens again.

Now im not advocating this as a good idea. Cos the obvious flaw in this excellent little plan is that all you are ever really doing is frantically trying to block it all out-essentially your plugging the leaks in the hole up, until you reach the point where your plugging cant keep up with the overflow.

And thats when you go a little bit barmy. And who knew?!Ed and SI are right there waiting for you.

Obviously-and i can see this-i can-is that you have to deal with things as they happen, or as best you can when they happen, instead of using your 'safety deposit box'. But how the hell...


I think thats what happened when i ended up being admitted to hospital a little while back-it was just all the stuff from my hole pouring out, and i was doing anything-everything to get away from it, which i guess explains the mess I got into with SI.


Denial is a bitch. especially when you can see how its helped you hold on to your last bit of sanity.

xxx

top ten

This is something my friend asked me to do-cos apparantly i have the most electic/ridiculous/cringeworthy/fabulous (take your pic) music collection going. And i thought it qould keep me distracted for 5 minutes:)

She was over last week, and sat there gawping at the amazing amount of crap i have on my media player!

So for anyone that needs a laugh right now-Hers's this weeks top ten, in no particular order

-'dont need the sun to shine'-Gabrielle
-'Fans'-Kings of Leon
-'marlon brando's laundromat'-Pony up!
-'the boy with the arab strap'-Belle and Sebastian
-'wannabe'-spice girls(the suns shining, it my summer song, what can i say!)
-'wish you were here'-Incubus
-'Better days' by citizen king (much better than original)
-'dont turn around'-Ace of Base (what a gem!!)
-'the way you make me feel'-Michael jackson
-'rabbitheart'-Florence and the machine

haha this isnt as actually as embaressing as it usually is!

most ridiculous thing worn this week- tutu, bright pink spotty tights, ballet shoes (and i cant dance!)
xxx

well, i didnt actually think i'd get to this morning!

last night was pretty horrific. I'm pretty ashamed actually, phoned home treatment at aout 2 am and literally BEGGED for some lorazipam to help me calm down. I had the most awful thoughts in my head and i couldnt see at all that it would be any different in the morning.

but

i'm feeling a little less tense. The sun is pretty shiny today:) and i feel like maybe i could get somewhere with this today. I've got a few things i'd like to try and do. The guy i like from HTT helped me to make up a kind of dayplan thing, and i rekon its going to help me today. I've had breakfast. I can generally spak about getting up ans dressed, blogging, emails, whatever until about 12, when its lunchtime. Then i'm going to go to the park, and try and make sense of all the college work i have to get done and when by. I have to read throughmy care plan befor emy discharge meeting with HTT tomorrow. And i made a deal with him that i would go back to college on monday morning, and he would make sure he was at my discharge meeting to help me explain what would help me.

im going to find something pretty and vicki style to wear to college tomorow.which means something fairly ridiculous.

cos ive got to get on with it sometime, right?

xxx

yet another post today

i appear to have some sort of obsession with blogging today. i feel wobbly-i call HTT, they tell me to play with playdough, and then i end up writing another post.

maybe the NHS should start paying google/blogger some sort of service fee?!

i feel well spacked out right now
hello, my old friend failure

im so tired, but so het up. i wasted so many years being pissed off with mum, and now shes gone. It makes all the bad things that happened when we were kids-well it just makes it all seem so petty. mum shouldnt have died for that.i want her back.i want her to hold me tight and tell me that it will be ok, that she loves me.i dont think that ever really happened.Ed was like this extra member of our family, always there, always on watch.

this is hideous-continuation of last post-TRIGGER WARNING

arhhhh

this is getting hideous

my head is buzzing.i feel blurry and the only reason i kee writing posts is to try and keep me distracted from all the horrible stuff going on in my head.
called home treatment team and begged them to help me pretty much.they said (and i quote) 'as you are aware that the feelings you are experiancing are partly due to stopping meds, then it should be a lot easier to fight these urges-becasue the rational part of you knows that it is due to med withdrawel'

what bullshit.anyway, they told me to persevere and it would all ease off.

i know si doesnt get me anywhere-i know it doesnt help.but i dont think i have EVER wabted to do anything as badly as i do now. I just cant see the point any more.its all so overwhelming.I feel like its all 'the end'. Mums gone and im so messed up. i dont know what im supposed to doing. I just want to hurt, cos thats what i feel i deserve, thats what will take some of this away.i think mum got it right. maybe, she had it all sussed out.

this majorly sucks.

having a freak out-TRIGGER WARNING

arg
withdrawel making me feel unhinged.well i was probably that anyway, but even more so
if i dont take some meds NOW i think im going to lose it
I couldnt even go to my mums funeral.
memorial just made me feel worse for being such a shit daughter
I feel so hideously fat. I feel like the fat freak of freakville or something, lost amongst all the beautiful people.and i shouldnt care, but i do.fat fat fat.arg.

i want to cut so bad right now.so so so bad.just let it out somehow a little.
or anything
fuck it.who am i to judge my mum when i feel exactly the same way.

med changes

last week, home treatment team finaly agreed with me that the meds i were taking didnt seem to be helping. It was agreed that i would stop taking fluoxetine (prozac) and let it get out of my system for a week before i started taking sertroline (zoloft) instead.

i was on 40 mg prozac (down from 60mg) and was told to just stop taking it, because the half life of the drug ment it would ease out of my system slowly over a week, then i could change to sertroline. Im due to start new meds on tuesday. I feel REALLY temse ad twitchy and anxious and really funny. To be honest, this probably isnt the greates time to be messing around with my meds, but i see that they wanted me on something that might help right now. I fee rubbish and anxious and all over the place anyway, because of whats happened. But could this by heightened by drug withdrawel?or is one of those weird psyc things, where something occurs to you, and suddenly all seems worse?hmn.

but im not feeling great right now.kinda like the side effects when i very first took it.is that withdrawel?anyone had any experience of this/med changes and stuff?

sorry yet another waffly 'please help me post'!
please feel free to ignore!

xxx

i think i lost myself somewhere

i dont feel like me anymore. Well, what i got used to me being, yknow. i kinda want to hide away forever, give in to this hopeless overwhelming feeling. it wold be so easy to cut myself off from everyone and everything.

but maybe-well, yknow, i spose thatwould get boring pretty quickly!

i got in a right old state last night.felt all lost and unidentifiable. and i felt so angry-prorer throw things about and shout and yell RAGE. i just wanted out from everything i guess. i read back over my blog, and there was so much i just couldnt bear to read...actualy right now im kinda greatful im such a computer spak, cos i prob would have just deleted whole blog, and then i would be even more upset right now!

i want-i dont know.everything seems so out of reach.

xxx

heres the plan

tomorow is going to be my mums funeral. Apparantly, in spain, Saturday is quite a Holy day (my mum is Catholic), though i'm not shy why so. But it was arranged for saturday because apparantly that was what she wanted. The funny thing is-i've just been told the funeral plans by my stepdad. a really terse conversation, with him constantly re iterating how unwelcome i was to be there. I never did get on with my stepdad.But i also never thought he would stop me from going to my own mums funeral. He told me about the flowers, and the music, all very traditional. So NOT my mum. see-the other thing we have in common is our love for truly crap music.Im talking boybands, 90's pop, anything cheesy-if its cringe worthy and horrific-well you can gaurentee one of us had it on a playlist!

heres what she would have wanted-
'rescue me' by Fontella Bass
'daydream believer' by the moinkees
'dont need the sun to shine' by gabrielle
and something amazing by take that/spice girls/backstreet boys or similar

sunflowers, whitle lillies and orchids. NOBODY wearing black.we have the same views regarding bright clothing! Blueberries, triglets and diet coke.my mums staple foods. the odd glass of pinot griogio.

she would want 'if' by rudyard kipling read out.and the odd richard gear poster on the wall.

so thats what im going to do.I dont need to be there to honour my mum. I just really hope that she died knowing that i did love her, despite everything that was in the way. KIt hurts me to my bones that she didnt know that, didnt know that i understood her illness, it just made me so angry that SHE couldnt see. its too late now.

so i couldnt get any sunflower seeds-couldnt find any!but im going to plant them another day for her.I got some orchid bulbs, and ive got some candles.ive got a copy of 'if'. Im going to get some blueberries and a bottle of  pinot G and have a glass in the sun. and watch the candles melt away. And really hope with all ive got that she knows im thinking about her

xxx

thankyou for all the help with my food post x

yikes!

please help me with my last post:) well, if you feel like it!hehe

erm, so i thought it was time to update my blog a bit. Actually i just really needed something else to think about for half an hour.Not sure i like it now-cos quite fond of the old one!this one is cute, but dont think its quite me...maybe its a grower!

well not like it really matters!

just really needed to be busy. this afternoon am going to spend time planning my memorial for mum tomorow, and get the bits and bobs i need. I'vw had lunch, and im finding it really really difficult to fight the urge to purge right now.but its ok, im going to keep busy. im going to really keep trying.

xxx

Food thoughts and meal talk

Breakfast

feeling uncomfortable, feeling full and fat.its not nice.its horrible.

but its not going to kill me

Bulimia might though

I am NOT going to make myself sick. I dont need to.

Right now i feel all kinds of horrible.But logically-well being sick isnt actually going to take any of the messiness of this situation away.Its going to make me feel physically more comfortable-yes.But eventually that will happen by itsef anyway. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

The biggest thing with food for me-is well what is a meal anyway? when i was a kid, we wee given whatever mum's latest fad/restriction thing was, orshe would go through oddball phases.we didnt really have meals.
So im thinking about mealplans and actually, a lot of the problem is thats its a bit of an alien concept to me. I've looked up mealplans online-but the ones i have found are for weight restoration. NOT ed talking-but that isnt what i need. It sounds so silly-but im really confused by the whole thing.what goes with what?yknow its kind of mindmoggling. im nearly 26-and really i havnt a clue about these things.stupid isnt it.but im going to fix it, because thats the only way i can get over ED.

so I was wondering if anyone could help.dont feel you have to. But does anyone know of any good websites/books/has a mealplan thats real basic that isnt about weight restoration? or can just give me any plain old advice on this one. cos my idea of cooking is pretty much limited to a toaster, yknow.and i dont want it to be like that.

or heck, if its not triggering to you-can you just tell me what kind of things you eat for lunch/dinner so i can fgure out some meal ideas.

I soent a lot of time with the home treatment team worker yesterday figuring out a day planner for me, to help me keep sme structure, and to lesson empty time when i fall into si behaviour.amd we planed in meals-which i am going to try my heart out to stick to.we decided a helpful thing to do would be for me to figure ot a list of things that i could have for each meal-so i dont have to spend time panivking about what i could have and getting in a tiz. so thats what im doing now. And i just wondered if anyone had any ideas i could use.

sorry, i know this is really random.But i think its something i really need to get sorted now.

xxxx

im not brave

i just really want my mum

i want her to know i loved her-i love her, and none of it matters.

amd now she will never know.

i just want my mum

oh, do us all a favour and DO ONE ED!!!!

I feel ridicilously proud of myself right now, which might very well be a first. And it might not last for long, so do me a favour and remind me next time i start going loopy again:p I've just eaten dinner again without purging, and stopped myself from letting si get out of hand. TAKE THAT HUH ED!!

ok, so i guess i should explain a little.If you've read this blog for a bit-well you know that i cant talk about anything wothout making some sort of joke of it. I'm not being callous, or making light-its just how i cope.

well, today i woke up feeling like i could take over the world-do anything in the world i wanted.like literally.sounds silly-but i felt like something had loosened in me a little.I KNOW i have to get out of this, move on with my life. ANd having both me and my mum succomb to ED-well how tragic would that be.

I had breakfast.had a little wobble, and dodnt finish it, and didnt purge what i had eaten-which i was a little proud of. Ive got this whole 'screw you ed' thought at the mo.Im so ANGRY that it took my mum-in every sense-away from me.it hurts.and i want to curl up and melt away.part of me wants to let ed in and soothe it away..BUT NOOOO

i know better now

i can do this.i can

This morning when home treatment team called i was super happy, cos it was just the person that would help me to make sense of things. he really helps me see how it is, and how it can be. I just feel able to talk to him, and theres nothing patronising like there is with some of the others. I guess its that he gets that i ant talk about anything really without having to depersonalise it a little-like make a joke of it-and he plays along and he gtes it.just what i needed today.so we arranged a visit for the afternoon, and this morning i went to see one of my girlies in town and just try and distract myself for a while. we were wandering around, and we went into topshop just for a mooch.odd thing to be doing i know-my mum has just died, and i find myself walking around town. But i just had to be out, away from home, doing something really bloody normal.cos a lot of tims-well nothing really feels normal.so me and my gal were messing around, trying things on, and i tried on this pretty ballerina-y type dress. I didnt think it would fit-because i find topshopsizes a bit hit or miss.

but i tried it on, looked int he mirror and saw me-really saw me.it fitted, and i liked the way it looked.it was a bit of an epithany really-yerh it was snug-but it was supposed to be. i didnt look fat. i looked like me.the way, i guess i should look. all the ed-ness melted away for just a second, all the shit, all the heartache form mum-and i just saw a girl happy, a little giggly, looking-well just like another twentsomething mucking around with her friend

im not fat

and im not thin

im not perfect

but that doesnt matter-it didnt matter-just for that minute

i felt just like anyone else would have.i felt alright.whole, like the me i always wanted to be.

ok, im not really that twee.i know how awful this sounds.like i'd forgotten about mum. i know it sounds materialistic, and awful and shitty.but its not like that. i just felt like me-and i hadnt felt that for a long time.no strings.just me, messing aroud, dancing about in a changing room with my best friend.

i saw the home treatment team worker in the afternoon, and hewas so overwhelmingly nice to me that he made me cry.and then some.

he let me talk it all out, and then help me talk and think through the way things could be right now.He told me he belived in me.and that he meant it-and that he thought i could do anything i wanted. and that I just needed to start beliveing that. Half the reason i always liked talking to him was that he admitted he didnt know about eating disorders really-that they confused him.he doesnt mean it badly-in fact, it helped me soo much to talk to someone who had no assumptions of how it was, and took the time to ask me how it was FOR ME.and not the textbook definition. ithink i really needed that.
ok, so il stop the sick making hero worship now!but i do think he is bloody fantastic.i guess its cos hes the only person-like professional-that has ever actually listened to me.

I didt have lunch today-i know it sounds lame and excusey-i just didnt think.no, like really didnt think. But when i met the HTT worker, we did go and get some yummy fruit, and he stayed and chatted to me while i ate it, which kinda made up for it.

and ive had dinner, and im sitting on it right now.45 minutes later and i havt purged.I can do this for me, and i can do this for my mum.

i know i can

i got a phone call form my stepdad earlier.he doesnt want me at the funeral. well, ok

part of me thinks-FUCK HIM-thats my MUM you are talking about

part of me also thinks-well, a funeral-its just a funeral.i can say goodbye myself.it doesnt matter what country im in.if she was going to 'know' if i was atthe funeral, then she'd know i was thinking of her anyway. And i matter as well.seeing y stepdad will bring back all sorts.he doesnt let the past lay in the past. I have to think of me to now. cos maybe, im starting to realise thati matter-a little-too.

so heres what im going to do

on saturday, im going to dress up ballerina style(it makes me happy, i know im a weirdo).
im going to go to my favourite place in cornwall-this hidden away footpath that leads on to a field by a lake(is a lot more special than it sounds-found it by accident with my friends-its our place) and im going to light lots of candles and watch them melt out. cos shed like that.ad im going to play her favourite songs, and im going to think of how it must have been for her-and let the anger go. and im going to buy sdome sunflower seeds and plant them somewhere random-cos she loved those.

thats what im going to do

FUCK YOU ED

im stronger than you will ever be

xxxx

pulling it together

Last night I had dinner-not much-but i had it-and for the first time in a REALLY long time i didnt purge afterwards.I just sat with it. Is feeling full really the worst thing in the world? It feels like it-theres no denying.I hate that feeling. But its because of what feeling that way MEANS that i hate it do much-what it represents. Which means that i have to seperate the physical feeling of being full from the emotions attatched to it.

But also-well it felt like i was sticking two fingers up at ED.one for mum, and one for me.

Cos thats the best thing i can do isnt it. Whats the point of being another Ed victim.I never wanted that-so why should i let it happen now?I want to see what else i could be. Im super cool haha.im the biggest loser in loserville.and thats ME.really me, and i like parts of that. and i'm not letting ed take any more of that from me, not now.Its taken my mum, and its dictated how i try and live my life to.but no more. It wont get me anywhere-look where it got mum. I love my mum. but i also think that i miss the idea of how it could have been.she didnt mean for it to be shitty.Im pretty sure she didnt mean for me to turnout this way.Sje wanted me to be what she couldnt-because thats what ED wanted. and ihave to get over that, and realise that it doesnt have to be that way.

fuck you Ed.you've taken my mum, but your not taking me

Its like Katie said on my last couple of posts, what you have all been saying for a while now, through all of this.Life seems to throw endless rubbish at you, kick you while your down. But you have to be around to know wether its going to get better-if your going to find the good stuff. And i will!

Giving in now-letting Ed win again-well, its not going to achieve anything.And i would never know if i'd made the right decision-by deciding to end it all-because-i wouldnt bloody well be here to know. thats logical right?and im a logical person-so that obviuosly means i have to stick around to find out!

I miss my mum.But i think i miss the idea of what it could have been like.she wqas miserable, ed won-and maybe it was the only way she could see.

but i already have one advantage on that-in that i can SEE that i want things to be different-they could be different. Because i can make the right choices now that help it to be that way-I can make them, not ed.

theres this book i love, and ive probably written this before-'Biting the hand that starves you-inspiring resistance to anorexia and bulimia', by Epston and Maisel

'Ed takes away the pain...replace sit with something to focus on that you can do.in a sense...it rescues you.Ed cares for you in the beginning.it saves your life.then it kills you'

'I paid Ed to carry my bad feelings...i couldnt afford to pay Ed to carry my abuse, for carrying the horrendous feelings associated with it.i had spent all i had, paying in small amounts,over many years, losing weight, becaoming a slave, losing my freedom, over the years.I paid by disconnecting.
Ed started demanding payback...'ok, i'll carry the abuse, but abuse is expansive.you'll have to pay me with your life'
Both from 'Emily's story'

makes you think

i cant believe she did that

i want my mum

i'm not angry-i dont think.just really sad and confused.

what is there left to say?

not an awful lot really

its all a bit too late




years too late

i want out of this mess already

im sick of hanging in there waiting for it to get better.what if it never does?

peaceful

'let me be weightless, and airy and light, and maybe i'l find peace tonight'

I hope you found your peace mum.

Please let there be no more victims to this illness

Please let me see the way out of this.

'If', by Rudyard Kipling

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!


you tried mum.but i guess Ed tried just as hard.
I love you
xxx

right this very second

choices

ok, so its about choices

well right now, I could-

call the hospital and ask the nurse to tell my mum I love her.

Or not.

I could get hideously drunk until I forget about it all

or not

I could eat everything in the house and then purge until its all gone, and im empty, relieved again

or not

I could drink some more

or not

I could ask someone to help me, anybody to help me figure out what to do with the way I feel. oh. I tried that.

Or not

I could cut myself until it all ebbs away, and I find peace, just for a minute

or not

I could kill myself

or not

I could tell someone how much I love them

or not

I could scream and cry

or not

I could keep it all inside, like it always has been

or not

I could let ed show me the way through

or not

I could admit how much ive fucked up

or not

I could just watch my life runaway form me

or not

I could end it all right now, this very second.

Or not

I never was very good at making decisions

I'll tell you what though-I know which are the most appealing options right now. Does that make them the right ones? Well, I'd like to say I care, but right now, right this second that would be a lie.

Then and Now

'let me be weightless and airy and light, and maybe i'll find peace tonight'

 well, i might have lost weight, but i sure havnt found peace. I'm not happy with the way i look-and thats no big secret really. But I've been thinking a lot about mum, and her anorexia, and how everything-literally everything-was linked to what she weighed-what she did, how she felt, how she treated us. And early on in my life i always had the idea that being thin equated to happiness. Well in anycase, it made mum happy, and that was pretty hard to do.

I think a lot of the reason that i mainly have problems with bingeing/purging, rather than restrictive behaviours, is that is that, basically-i spent a lot of my childhood being unbearably hungry. So id binge away from the house, then feel disgusting and terrified of the consequences of any weight gain that id purge, and that was like this big realease of pressure-literally and mentally, and yknow, maybe why its so damn hard to stop now.Its like taking the lid off a pressure cooker. Because now its so much more about the purging than the bingeing, if that makes sense. I throw up pretty much everything i eat-and this has got a lot worse over the last couple of days. what seems really messed up to think about now is this-when your a kid-your growing-your supposed to gain weight. Mum used to check our weight a lot as kids, i remember having this grwoth spurt when i was about 10 or so, and it really pissed her off. I'd grown a couple of inches, and unsurprisingly, gained a few kgs too. Anyways, i got home from school a couple of days later, and mum had thrown all my clothes away-like i mean everything.she rekoned i should be wearing a smaller size, and that i should be ashamed of how big my clothes were. It was february, freezing cold, and all i had left to wear was a pair of shorts and a tshirt from when i was about 8. so that was fun. When 'dad' got back from sea (in the navy) he went mental about it, but then he went off at me too-told me to stop winding mum up and he hit the shit out of me. so then i was walking around in fucking shorts and tshirt covered in bruises.cos that doesnt look dodgy! maybe thats why im such a clothes junkie now, and so into fashion, and pretty dresses and stuff. Cos these 'clearouts' happened fairly frequently, if mum was in a bad mood or something-shed just throw everything away. She threw away my favourite doll, id had forever in a fit of temper once and i was proper heartbroken about it. So i wasnt that bothered about posessions when i was younger, which might also explain why im such a horder now.

the thing is-well, from the outside i literally had the 'perfect childhood'. when i was 11 a gorl at school said i was the lckiest person in the world, because i had my own ponies. that really struck me-and after that-well who the heck was i to be upset if i didnt get fed, or if mum was throwing a hissy, or screaming at dad, or in hospital.I had all the trappings, yknow, and maybe thats all you see at that age. I went to 'good' schools, then boarding school (until i got kicked out for being 'the bulimic girl'), had horses, competed lots, had a coach, we had money...but all of that stuff...well its pretty pointless yknow.And this is what makesme feel bad now-plenty of people had it soo much worse than me, who the fuck am i to be all self righteous now? why am i sitting here writing this when my mum is dying, and why am i so angry with her i cant see past it.its fucked up.

i know what ist like to have an Ed.so why cant i see that in mum-just see that she is ill. but i get caught up in the things from my last post and it makes me confused.it is about choice, it is about knowing what you can fix, and what you cant. she's ill becasue her mum was ill.she was bought up with it, same as i was.i think maybe im pissed that she didnt see it like me-'well fuck, living like this is shit, i want to get better, i want this to change cos i dont want MY kids to grow up like this'

why cant mum see that?ok, im not blaming my mum for all my probs here.yeh i was bought up pretty much by ed, as it were, but im theone who's 25 and still has the same problems.

i think im going around in circles here. see i love my mum, and i understand what happened.I cant nderstand how she didnt want to accept help-but i do see how massive a part of her whole life her ED was.it held her up, and gave her reasons-wrong or not.

i just dont think i like her very much.

i dont think i like me very much either

xxx

3 surprising discoveries

1.  I'm starting to think that maybe things will be ok.

'let me be weightless and airy and light, and maybe i'll find peace tonight'.


see, I think I missed the essential difference between mum and me. And its summed up in that short little sentence. Its that simple really-whereas she believes that, lives her life by it, loses herself in Ed, I KNOW its not true.The real part of me that is-knows that it doesnt matter what i weigh, its not a measure of ME. I have times when i feel trapped by Ed, and am consumed, overtaken with thoughts of weight and worthlessness. But in chosing to seek recovery-well, it means that i've accepted-or that im learning to except how untrue that is. And its sad that mum never found it.But nothing I can do in the end can make her see it if she CHOOSES to be blind to it.

2. You always have a choice

Even when its the hardest thing in the world, you always have a choice. I can live or I can die. I can give in and let ED win forever..or not. its all about choices, see.we make our choices on the basis of who we are.And we all make different choices.And its these choices that shape our lives. And suddenly-well i can see how that goes for my mum too. She CHOSE to fight against the help she had. She CHOSE not to take medications to help try and improve her mood, just to start that shift in thoughts. She CHOSE to not go to therapy, to ignore the mealplans, to hurt herself. and its really really sad, because i know, essentially-that Ed was right there with her while she made those choices. But she had chances-countless-to accept real help.Shes been in hospital more times than i can count, and various private clinics as well.when shes not been under a section-shes agreed to go in to stop the hassle, then checked out as soon as possible.

well I chose to try and find help and get better. And if I cant find help, then im going to get better on my own.Because I chose to not live like this anymore.

'Grant me the serenity to accept things i cannot change,
The  courage to change the things i can
And the wisdom to know the difference'

3. You cant change the past.

 well obviously.But you can change how you let ot sape and control your future. Mums story isnt mine-its hers. Its not going to be that way for me, because, now, i realise what i have to change.

ok, so i just thought of another one
4.I bloody love how i look in this dress!

haha. oh.and theres this really sweet guy at college that likes me:)

i'm like fine.totally fine

Ok, so i cant actually do anything about my mum. What happens will happen whether i am there or not, whether i get upset and SI, ir whether i just try and get on with things-it will enevitably happen anyway.

so

this is all the stuff thats going on and stressing me out right now.

1.mum

2.my whole benefit situation is STILL all screwed up.

3.Home treatment team-i think, after there whole policy of 'talking about it=dwelling on it=unhealthy' was put in place they are actually making me feel worse, cos now i think i have to keep it all inside again, and that its not safe to talk about it. But if i say i dont want to see them anymore then im going to be discharged from the entire system, making it even harder to maybe get some counselling-cos down here EVERYTHING goes through referal from mental health services and a CPN.

4.I cant help thinking i would be better off in hospital. Im having a lot of problems with SI

5.I dont know how to get out of my hole of gloom anymore

6.I havnt slept properly for about a week now and i think its making me feel even more crazy.

7.uni.i have to talk to them about the medical clearance but im so scared.It was ind of my way out of this whole mess-new start and that and i cant deal with losing that. And i have so much college work to do also, but i have the concentration span of an amoeba.

8.i feel ginormously fat.i want to lose weight. see, technically, according to my bmi, im overweight anyway.like fact. and you can see i am. so i want to lose weight, but i dont want ed to make me lose weight. but i dont know which is me, and which is it now. How pro recovery is that. not.

9.there was more, but writing this is making me feel rubbish.

i think my goldfish are getting horny again. Jealous mucho! you know youve got issues when your bloody fish have more of a life than you hahaha

mum

Thanks for all the support, it means ever such a lot to me.

Basically, mum took a massive overdose, but because her systems are already really compromised becasue of her anorexia, it has hit her real hard. She also took the pills over a few days, so its all been 'taken in' if that makes sense.So shes in intensive care on various machines, and me-well i've just had it with knobs on now.

I go a bit like this-cry, SI, feel ashamed, binge, purge, cry, SI...

The thing is, my mum triggers me so much. she tried to compete with me as a child, and she encouraged my illness, through her own. i waitched her lose weight, and i saw the effect it had mentally on her-the kick she'd get from it.I saw the evidence of SI, and saw how at least her massively volatile mood had changed and evened.

so where am i now?im my own person, in my own right.I'm dealing with the consequences of my actions-but i cant help partly feeling that they are my mums too. I felt suicidal too. thats why i ended up in hospital a few weeks back. At times, i still feel it now, but i can also see through it a little better now.

im finding this very difficult to deal with. And i dont really understand why, but its reinforcing all those bad thoughts in me again. except, trying to explain this to my brother a little got me the response'that id just have to deal with it, cos mums the one with the problem'.well yeh, she is.and then some. but a little understanding would be nice right now. How selfish is that of me though. And this whole indifference i feel with the situation-my mum is very ill, and its not really provoking any kind of emotional reaction from me-except for triggering the hell out of me.so am i the worlds most self centered person or what, cos i dont understand.

my brother had a massive go at me for not going out to spain to see her.but i just CANT.i feel like its just me and 'my old friends Ed and SI'. well, i guess essentially-thats how its always been. I hate this shit. and why isnt there like ONE sane member if my family??

xxx

re my previous post

my mum apparantly did a pretty good job of it this time

slowely

Have you ever felt like every minute of the day lasts an hour? Time is going soo slowely its driving me mad. But its not just 'time', its me as well. It takes me an age to do the simplest of things. A life in slow-mo. im so incredibly tired, but im so tired of life too.

I havnt slept for more than a couple of hours for about a week now. Each night i wake up spinning out from flashbacks and bad dreams, and spend the rest of the night terrified of what might happen if i fall asleep again. In the grand scheme of things, this probably a fair part of the reason i feel so done it right now. Im also going to go have blood tests on monday, cos Home treatment keep jabbering on about anaemia and other deficiences that can make you feel pretty rubbish.

see when you find yourself literally wishing your days away, you've got to wonder what the point of beng alive anymore actually is.I just dont see it. Maybe thats how it is for my mum too. I got a phonecall from my brother about an hour ago to say that she tried to kill herself again.I've lost count of how many times shes done this. When i was a kid, a couple of times i got back from school i found her out of it on drugs, or having tried(and failed) to hang herself. Enough of this already. I used to hate hate hate her for it.But now i completely understand.

The really bad thing that makes me hate myself even more-i feel very indifferent with regards to what my mum has done.I should care, i should be upset, i should be concerned.maybe its because ive been there, done that, and worn the t shirt to death. maybe because im to exhausted to think about it. Or maybe, its because all my mum has ever done is make my life a misery. obviously, i dont want her to die, not as a slave to ed. But i find it so difficult to actually care for her becasue of all the things she has done to me over the years.its real messy.and then i feelguilty for that, cos well-shes ill.ok, yeh shes in denial and that pisses me off, but shes still ill. and im just a bitch.

slowely
time goes so slowely and your forced to think of every little thing.i just want out.

my head hurts

xxx

yeh, yuh, ok.

In a min i have to go and have my home treatment team review with my cpn. Basically, its to see if home treatment can get rid of me back to my cpn. I dont really think it matters which way it goes anymore. Like lots of you have said-well its just me and er, me at the end of the day. I think the fact that  have no trust in any of them whatsoever is really counterproductive anyway. The people that i did get on with from HTT i dont see anymore, cos the powers that be decided it was unhealthy for me to keep talking to the same people incase i became delusional and started thinking they were my friends.Yeh, i see the logic too.

yeh, yuh, ok, whatever.

crash and burn

i think im having my breakdown

you know what?isnt anybody gonna help you through but yourself.ive given upwoth services, they can kiss my arse.im sick of their 'pas the buck games' and im sick of getting no where.

i only wanted to talk

whats so wrong with that

i've stopped being able to again now, because im constantly getting told not to think about it, and if i try to talk, the subject gets changed.

iguess im back to leaving it all inside.the way its always been.its exactly a year, pretty much since i poured my heart out to my doc, and admitted everything that had happened-at uni, how my mum is, and everything in between.and ive got exactly nowhere.i just wanted someone to liste and tell me its ok. but hey, im going back to the-ive got no problems, everything is great approach to life, cos obviously, they all think im totally fine.

i think i crashed and burned.

Dont mind me...

excuse my while i go sit in the corner and have a nervous breakdown.

Home treatment team rekon the answer to all my problems is to go to starbucks and eat cake.yuh.

I couldnt stop crying the whole time she was here, and all she kept going on about was fucking coffee.why wont somebody, anybody help me work all this fucking shit out before i go insane.

oh shit.i think i already did.

:(

yeh, but how i am supposed to know??

Hey guys

Firstly massive thanks for joining my facebook group, and for all the lovely comments on my last few posts. I'm not about on the internet much at the mo-such an inconvienince when all the wirless networks arround you are secured against pikey theft haha, but should have my own working again by the weekend.

Yesterday was an amazingly crappy day. I havnt slept properly for a few days now, so thats making me feel super stressed anyway, and im having a real hard time with food right now. So, over the weekend, i had a really good talk with someone from the home treatment team i see a lot, and he really helped me figure a few things out. The thing is, people were supposed to follow it up while he was off work for a few days, and obviously, this didnt happen. See, i feel like i figure out things that will help me with a few members of the team, but when i see someone different, it gets a ll screwed up again, and they keep trying to take me out to eat cake for fuck sake. I worked out at the weekend that i would let them help me call the police liason officer to agree to give evidence at the trial. and they were going to be there after when i enevitably lost the plot a little. so i had it all worked out that i would do this yesterday. which would have been fine if Home treatment had actually bothered to get in touch with me! So i called th police liason as soon as they started work in the morn, to get it other and done with. And it was quite possibly one of the most horrible things i have ever had to do.yknow, it takes the piss really, that i tried to talk about it years ago when noone gave a shit, but now, when im trying to get over it, they all want me to talk now.grrrr.

so, i was sitting there freaking out, and when htt hadnt called by lunchtime, i tried to phone them, but didnt get through, and then i got into a bit of a mess with si-i know, i know, so had to go to the docs to get that fixed, and still htt didnt call, i spent hours trying to get hold of them

then they finally called at 7pm, after my friend had called them and read them the riot act for leaving me up shit creek on the day i really needed them, and they called me. And their excuse-they lost my phone number....errr, would that be the one ur phoning me on now???they were super rude to my friend, and didnt even give her a chance to give them my number, so i know they didnt get it from her...how did they lose it, when they all have it and its written on my file, and on the comp, and they CALLED ME ON IT IN THE EVE!!!!

by which time id fallen to pieces, was in the horrible hiccupy sobbing stage of crying and they told me to calm down and have a cup of tea and stopthinking about it.oh FUCK OFF!!!

so, how do you know when you've actually got to the end of your (very frayed) tether...cos she kept going on and on about 'if ic ould cope'-er no, im not really sure anymore, and now my heads spinning, im crying again in the flipping library and i just want something, someone , anything to make this feel a little bit better, cos im so sick of being stuk in thison my own.And now i cant even trust them to help me, so i really cant talk to them now-whats the point??? Im so sick of being let down by mental health services, it isnt fair, i just want some help to deal with the way i feel, and its just like they are taking the royal piss out of me.

i dont feel like i can cope anymore.but recognising that i could do with some help, menas that i CAN, apparantly.cutting gets me nowhere new.but it helps, even for a moment, and nothing else is.so i explain that, and they dont get it, and tell me to call them when im struggling-what like i did yesterday, and the day and night before when noone got back to me at all?!

yeh ok then.

fuck this.

xxxxx

TRIGGER WARNING SI holy crap

i've got the worst SI urges right now to do something pretty bad. arrrg i dont know how much longer i can fight it for.

ive been out for a walk. I've spent a while mucking about setting a facebook group up.I've cleaned every inch of my flat.I've triee dreading, and ive listened to some shouty angry girl music.i listened to some 90's rubbish for good measure too.I even thought about getting out the emergency pot of playdough, but decided that in itse3lf would probably iss me off enough to make it end badly.

i just feel dirty and scummy and horrible. I really wanted to try and talk about things a bit with home treatment team today, but saw someone i saw last summer when i had them also-and she knows i used to ride a lot, and about my ponies and stuff, so all she ever wants to do is talk horses, and it does my fricking head in. when im not feeling particulary fabulous, talking ponies just hirts my head and makes me think about being a stresses out kid. I felkt like i was giving her a bloody lesson in stable management!

the thing is, you can kid yourself that one teeny little cut will make it all go away, i swear i have SI amnesia or something, because once its popped into my head, its this irresistable thing-and i totally forget it doesnt work until ive cut, got nothing out of it, so have had to make it significantly worse to get any sort of release from it.

short of actuallt cutting my hands off(which prob rates pretty high on the SI scale anyway!) i dont actually know what to do right now

what do you think?

Ages ago i did a post about 100 things i wanted to do.One of them was to set up a funky, kooky version of a WI group, cos i think it sucks that peoples nans arnt teaching them to knit these days, and all the 'crafty' cool stuff is kinda dying out.

Theres a similar group that i used to go to in London, In camden, and we did awsome stuff, whilst having a glass of wine, like clothing projects, knitting, patchwork quilts, all very cath kidston-esque.and cool stuff like making sock monkeys, and cupcakes, and, well anything anyone fancied really.

sooo i was thinking i might start an internet version for now...either on facebook or as a blog-any pref?
and would anyone be interested? cos stuff like this really helps distract me, and i thought it might be kinda fun to build up a bank of ideas, which people can add their crafty type projects to. and Battleinmind-i can put make clothes type things on here for you, like we said ages ago!

any ideas?what do you think?

xxx

Another pointless post

dude from home treatment team told me today that im allowed to just be having a shitty day.People do, and there doesnt have to be mega reasons for it.

so there you are.

i'm having a shitty day. I feel  super sore(though thats entirely my fault), and grouchy and upset. I want everything to just go away now.I dont want to deal with court letters and have a box full of things like scan photos and letters from back then. Could never throw it away though.Its like this funny compulsion to look through it all.

told you this was a pointless post!

how to not make yourself feel better-TRIGGER WARNING SI

in three easy steps-

1.get really, really drunk, and get with some random guy, cos you feel so worthless anyway, it doesnt really matter.and you feel so icky that you just want someone else to kind of cover the way you are feeling about the guy that abused you.I know there is no logic, but i just wanted to feel different i think. Guess what?it just makes you feel even more skanky and worthless.Especially when they ask how you ended p with stitches in your tummy.

2.call your mum in desperation of just wanting soebody to alk to and make it feel better.duh.really should have thought that one through a bit more. Mum asked if i wanted her to renew my (very lapsed) weight watchers membership for my birthday.thanks mum.

3.Binge/purge, purge some more, SI...more stitches.well bloody done.which just makes you feel even more worthless.

i have been spectaculary stupid once again.a bit of an on going theme.

and i got a letter today from St Georges that i have to take to my doc for medical clearance for the course.whole page of mental health questions, and mydoc can tick 90% of the boxes.shite. goodbye uni.

jeez i really am the most depressing person. my blog makes such happy reading.you know, i think im gonna print it off and give it to home treatment team, cos i obviouslycant talk to them about anything useful.

thanks for all the lovely comments

i love everyone xxx