This one is for me cos i have to get this out before i go crazy
TRIGGER WARNING SI
AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGG
FUCK THIS!im so effing pissed off! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
i feel like nothing i could do to myself could put a dent in the way im feeling right now, and i dont know why but thats making me even more angry.
im sooo effing pissed off with this shit.id apologise for the swearing, but i cant think of substitute words.when i swear a lot its cos i mean it. AAAAARRRRRGGGGGG
stop patronising me with the effing playdough talk!i have an illness, im NOT BLOODY STUPID!
ive been having a really rough day, and barly been keeping it together. I saw someone from hometreatment team earlier that just couldnt understand why i diodn twant to go to a cafe with them. yeh, i know they want to get me out of the house, and i know they trying to help, but right no, i dont want to effing well sit and eat cake whilst having a cosy little chat about going to court in august and having to see that effing bastard boy who fucked my life up.HOW IS THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND!! all i want to do is to talk about it. im sick of being ashamed to talk. and im sick of people stopping me. why cant i just get some help, seriously?
i just called the out pf hours line.actualy ive called a couple of times tonight.firsdt i got told to bash playdough asbout, go for a walk, have a bath etc etc etc-why do they always want you to not talk about whats wrong?? you cant just distract yourself from life for ever!what is so wrong with needing to let some of this crap out of my head.I hurt inside so bad, and i dont know what to do about it. so i literally cut away at the surface to try and get it out, equalise the hurt, anything.I purge cos i feel horrible inside.
called the second time-and i got told to just 'be good, be brave'
BE FUCKING BRAVE????
NO!i cant do it anymore.i can i fucking well cant.im sick of being brave, im sick of it not mattering and im sick of myself, im sick of this feeling this way and im sick of feeling so fucked up in the head.
I dont want to be brave anymore.Ive dome that my whole effing life. thats all anyone ever says to me, ;be brave vic, mum will be out of hospital soon', 'be brave vic, for mum', 'be brave vic, termination is the right thing to do, be brave think of the baby', 'BE BRAVE VIC AND GO TO EFFING COURT AND GIVE EVIDENCE'-ooh yeh, well funny how its convienient now for me to do that, i seem to remember being told to shut up about it by the fricking university before.BUT NOW, its alright, years later when im all shitted up.WELL THANKYOU VERY MUCH
ARRRRGGGGG EFFING HELL im so angry
i want to cut bad, hurt anything right now.I want to feel proper pain, and now this horrible inside ache that breaks my heart and i cant do anything about. I want it to hurt. why the fuck did they give me a copy of the scan picture anyway?they must have known it woulod haunt me forever. I watched my little baby on the screen, and i didnt beleive it was real.they tried to turn it away so i couldnt see, but how can you not look.i could feel it.he wanted me to hold onto him, and i signed his life away.do you know what its like to give birth, when you know the baby isnt going to be alive?it fucking breaks you apart. SO FUCK OFF TELLING ME TO BE BRAVE, cos all i want to do, is finally have a cry about it.whats so wrong with that?
why wont they ever let me talk?
why do they always tell me not to get upset
its all stuck inside me, and all i want to do is cry, whats wrong with that?
i dont want to be brave anymore
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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8 comments:
Don't be brave Vicki, scream, shout, cry, talk. People try and push these things away because it makes them uncomfortable. But it's what you need, and you've recognised that.
With all the shit that's happened 'being brave' is not what you need. Obviously. I so badly want to be there for you as some one to talk to, I see how desperately you need some one just to listen and it honestly breaks my heart that no one will.
I'm not going to tell you to 'stay strong' or 'be positive' because sometimes that's just not the right thing. So I'm going to say that I'm here if you need some one to shout out, or just talk to about how you feel, I really am!
LOTS of hugs
Ellie xxxx
I wish I was there and could give you a huge hug right now! I think you're exactly right, you should be able to talk about these things and it's not right that people keep patronizing you and trying to distract you. It's not helpful and it's not fair and you have every right to be angry. But don't take it out on yourself. Be angry at them. I feel like you're so alone right now and you shouldn't have to be brave and face all this on your own. No one should and no one should expect that of you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help or make things easier.
xoxo
You don't have to be brave, and you need opportunities to let all these feelings out. Write more posts like this if necessary, and say this kind of stuff to the helpline people, or the home treatment people...it's there bloomin' job to listen and let you talk, reassure you.
Some of the people in these jobs can be patronising I know, but the more you can get these feelings out in the open, the better, because this will hopefully help with dealing with them and events to come.
In situations like this, I find a good old scream sometimes helps - although I usually do it into a cushion or something if people are around!
Don't take things out on yourself, please...you don't deserve more punishment.
Hugs
Sarah x
i agree, you need to talk, to scream, to yell to get it out. It is eating you up. I considered getting a punching bag when I had some anger issues over my mother ages ago but I ended up joining taekwondo instead. It kind of helped but not really. I totally understand the SI but after not doing that for 3 years and now that my scars are white, I know it's not something I ever want to do again. I hope you're safe!
*hugs*
Sarah
Crisis teams are notorious for telling people to take a bath to relax, I've been told that before too. Vics, have you ever called the rape crisis line? They will listen to anyone who has been raped or abused at any point in their lives, and they are there literally just to listen, not to give you advice. There is a centre in Bodmin, phone number 01208 77099( http://www.advocacydirectory.com/showdetails.asp?id=602 ), and another one in Truro, number 01872 262100 ( http://www.advocacydirectory.com/showdetails.asp?id=444 )
This post made me feel so sad for you. You don't have to be brave. I'm around online a lot if you want to talk or we could even meet up somewhen, I think Exeter is about half way between us?
girl bless your heart i am so sorry. i have more than presented the SAME kinda obnoxious rants, and i felt like a champ when i was done almost breaking a sweat over typing out my frustration!
it's not about being brave, my parents have told me the same damned thing as well as "it's all up to you it's your choice, only you decide if you get better" la-de-f-ing-da. i hate these comments and they drive me insane... if it were a freakin easy as being brave or having everythign left up to my rational self then i wouldnt be here to begin with would I!>!>!>
I'm sorry you are going through this. i wish I could say something to help. Thinking of you.
Lisa
Hey, there, I hope you're doing ok. xoxo
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