plans

I have plans to live and i have plans to die. They overlap, and are interchangeable. sometimes i dont know which is which. Living like this is just another way of dying.

I make plans for everything. I like to know what im doing, with who and when.I like details and i like knowing how things are going to end. I wirte lists and lists of my lists. i like to always have a plan B.

how can your plan B be to live?

I think i hit my new low last night.scrap that. i did for sure.

you know things are going to plan when you are sitting in a pool of your own sick, and you realise that your stomach has this interesting little safety mechanism-its so used to be fed and emptied it cant actually handle anything much staying in their now.So when you try and feed it a pile of pills, well your not going to get anywhere anyway. I'm not proud of this. I just trying to be honest with myself.

So if you cant Die, you have to live. I want to live. well, as sure as i feel about anything right now.But not like this.This isnt living. I can kid myself, but this isnt even really surviving.I didnt manage to get this far to give up.I dont think I did. I can turn this around. I just have to honest, and admit how tough things are right now.

I need to plan for the rest of MY life, and how i want things to be.Flexible, but structured. Challenging but achievable.

Lou Lou wrote this on my last post and i love it
today you are you
that is truer than true
there is no-one alive
who is youer than you

I am Vicki and i feel a bit rubbish right now.Im not very good at admitting it, but it is ok to not be able to cope with everything on your own. Thinking about it rationaly, a lot of the reasons i feel so bad right now is down to external circumstance and things out of my control. This doesnt mean im rubbish, it means that things are a bot messy and im muddling my way through.
I can turn it around and i can make sure my future is better. tomorow is mothers day and im likely to feel a bit worse. So i will think of things NOW that i can do to help me feel better, put the plans in place.people move on and cope.and i can too.

so.if i feel like that again-like i did last night, because. its still ebbing in the background im going to call a helpline.Or go to A and E and explain. dying is never your only option.

and im going to figure out how to get my groove back, one step at a time.