TRIGGER WARNING FOR SI
so, i'm not gonna lie, ive had better days.
48 stitches, a perforated abdominal cavity, a slashed blood vessel and an air aspiration later i've realised self injury really isnt going to get e any where new. Actually, brilliant Jessie said that to me, and it's so true. was like a lightbulb going off in my head.
I didnt write that description to freak people out, of for attention or anything. Ive gpt this thing, wher i just shrug off the consequeces of si as nothing, no matter how bad they actually are, and its like a reality check to me there. Face up to it. Its there in black and white. I want to write about this, but dont want to trigger anyone so please stop reading and dont think you have to read just to be supportive cos i dont want to hurt anyone.
It was a baaad day.I'd managed to put off doing anything to myself for most of the day, and kind of just felt detatched from everything. I think I kind of snapped and thought, well, one little cut might take this away, just a teeny bit of relief and il stop itl be ok, but next thing i know i've ended up doing something a whole lot worse, i mean somethings arnt supposed to make a 'popping' noise(ie the orotective lining between your abdomen and your organs). That caused air to get trapped wheich then had to be aspirated-OUCH asnd apparantly, i was beyond close to losing the ability to have children, have bladder control, and erm, like breathe.
was that the ending i wanted?it certainly would have been one. But really?
maybe instead of looking for an ending, i have to look for a beginning,.after all, you cant have the end without the start, and i'm alla bout looking for happy ever after in moominland!
so maybe that means instead of picturing and methodically working through ways to end things...
i have to give myself a new start instead.
cos like jess said, Si is only going to keep bringing you back to exactly the same place.
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
Oh vics you so don't deserve to have to go through all this - beyond my ED I'm a bit clueless about SI although I can empathise with some of the feelings that underpin it. I wish I could say something useful or magically give you the happiness you deserve right now, but all I can do is reassure you that it's there waiting for you. Working through things methodically sounds like a good plan, break everything down into manageable pieces and focus on one thing at a time.
Try to keep in contact with people - what is going on with your GP? Will you be getting some more support? Promise me you'll call/email someone next time you feel like this, my email is coggeroo@hotmail.com.
Hugs and thanks for your kind comments
Sarah x
Oh lovely, I'm so sorry you have been feeling so down, and feel like you needed to SI. I totally agree that looking for a fresh start, not different ends could help. I'm sorry I can't be of more help,
sending love and support your way
Battle xxx
**hugs** I'm so, so sorry that you had to go through all this and I want you know that I'm thinking about you and sending good, healing thoughts your way. You don't deserve to feel this way and none of it is your fault.
I know what you mean about minimizing things because I did it for so long and I think even now I tend not to really think about how serious some of the stuff I did was. I think it's easy to do, and good for you for not doing it.
Also, you are exactly right. This can be a new beginning and you can always make a beginning even if it seems like you haven't had an ending to whatever came before it.
oh hun, I want you to know I am thinking of you. I sorry you had to go through this though and then I know how awful you feel getting stitched up, knowing that they know that this is what you did. If you need anything that I can help with, please email me, it is okay. The timezone difference for us kind of sucks though!
*hugs*
Sarah
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