That old Love-Hate thing

Well, im not gonna lie, i feel a bit like that when i bought my train ticket, it came with a free nervous breakdown!

Im on the train back home-well one of may trains back home, and i am so strung out im still shaking! I'd forgotten how daunting London can be.

I'm a londoner, south to be specific, so i should be tough as boots!The trouble is, ive gotten so used to the humble bumblings of cornwall, ive forgotten how the real world works. Cos there is a world of difference between London and Cornwall. I mean apart from one being on the coast, and the other boasting the worlds grubbiset river.
I've got this Love-hate thing with cornwall.when im feeling bad, i long for annominity, and cornwall-well everyone knows everyone else, and all their business too.which can be seriously annoying. And whilst i often complain theres not a lot going on in the west counytry-its more that you have to make of it what you will.you get out the effort that you put in, yknow. theres more to cornwall than beaches and pasties, if you bother to look for it. And its really beautiful. And the whole way of life is so obviously much more laid back. you can feel it. The problem is, i feel like im hiding away from my real life here. I havnt got anything to stay here for -not really, especially as all my friends there are moving away soon. But I think I need more than this, and part of me wants to push myself to get what i know i really want. And that means i have to go to uni, and it makes sense to go to one that is offering me the most in bursaries and funding-and at the moment, thats Kings, or St Geooges if i get in.

London is stressful, and i felt the tension as soon as i got off the train at Paddington last night.I wanted to cry on the tube, i felt awful and panicky and there was sooo many people. But maybe, i just need to get used to it again and itl be ok. Logically, it will be overwelming seeing as i havnt been back for 4 years, and there are a lot of not so great childhood memories from here.

So what do i do?
Kings, and st georges particulary are small close knit schools, and i think that is something i would benefit from-because half the problem with liverpool was that it was sooo big. I love the course structue and st georges, i love the support system-this is really important to me-so that i know i can talk to someone if i need to. I know the area it is really well, as its near to wear we lived for a while when i was younger, and i have old friends around here as well. BUT its london.LONDON.i dont know if i can do that.

my other option is Brunel, in uxbridge, west london, which at least is out of town.But its not a nice area.And apparantly not the firendliest place on the earth.and its massive!but i do know my friend tommi, who would be nearish-by.

arrrrgggg.

St Georges is such an amazing place!liked the people there, and the way the course is run, and the facilities and evrything really.I loved it. I just dont know if i would be setting myself up for something too much.Im all for being optimistic-but i dont want to be stupid about this.hmn. I think I did the best I could of in my interview, but im not sure if its what they wanted. so im going to see what happens, and then have a think.or consult a psychic.or flip a coin.or eeniee meanie miny moo. hmn

im actually feeling proud of myself right now.I did something i was terrified of-travelling, London, Tube, interview etc, and i even managed to make friends with a really nice girl i met there,after we got talking. we went for a walk in to town in our break, and we were just having a right old giggle, half of it nerves i spose from interviews, but we got talking about ponies, and discovered that she is from the same middle of nowhere place as my friend!small world. Im also dead chuffed that i managed this, but at the same time, it really irks me that its a thing i need to be proud of yknow-but she suggested going to a cafe or somewhere, cos she was starving, and i thought, ok i can do that, i can just have coffee and its fine, but we got there and i managed to have something to eat-cos i just felt hungry, and suddemly sick of to death of ED.It felt like a challenge to Ed, like screw you Ed-im here, i just had an interview, i managed to get here in one piece and i AM GOING TO HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT.

shame the feeling has kind of ebbed away now, i feel taunted to the extreme by Ed right now, but i think thats also to do with how tense i get travelling, and theres a million connections i need to make, and if i miss one, then i miss last train back to cornwall!

so that old Love-Hate thing eh?
sucks

xxx