Actually its been there for a long time. Something the home treatment team careworker said to me struck a chord-which i wont write, because it will take me soo long to explain the context of it, and even then, you'l all think im being a weirdo(or more so than usual!), but anyway, I suddenly found i really wanted to try and say all this stuff in my head, cos its been stuck in here for a long time now.
See, everything seems really pointless right now. I know thats a depression thing, but it doesnt make it any of an issue, if you know what i mean. I cant concentrate on anything-even writing this really, i just drift off into my own little oddball world. Or let all the bad thoughts take over. But, the pointless thing-i cant seem to shift out of it, and get my brain in gear, or focus, cos really, i think the alterative is to die. Its always on my mind. Dont take this the wrong way-this isnt like a suicide note r anything, im just trying to figure out where im coming from. And neither am i trying to trivialise feeling that way, if that makes sense.I dont want to offend-im just thinking. So it goes, like-well, i feel like rubbish, i dont feel able to go out/socialise/do college work/eat/sleep properly etc etc because, theres always the alternative.whats the point if your going to kill yourself anyway?you know when a doc asks if you have any specific plans to do anything like that, or act n suicidal thoughts?well, no i dont have an immeadiate plan, because its ALWAYS been my alternative?does that make any sense? I think i cant move on from things, because thats alwasys the plan b-i cant do it, i dont want to, whats the point, im going to be dead soon anyway. sometimes these thoughts are less, and ebb away, but someties they are overwhelming, like when it all went a bit pearshaped before i went into hosp. I guess i got to the point where i didnt think it was the alternative-it was the necessary. Im not saying im about to do myself in-so please dont think that, im just trying to unmuddle my head. Has anyone else ever felt like that? sometimes that feeling takes over so completely, and sometimes, it just there, a suggestion, faint in the background. is that really cowardly?i guess so. I think ive felt like this for a real long time. Maybe i just need to find the point again-but what is it exactly?i cant really seem to look forward to anything.,maybe thats because i cant imagine anything but being stuck in all this mess of feelings. That feeling is there again now, andi dont know what to do with it.
the careworker dude-who was pretty cool-said he knew what i meant, and that he rekoned a lot of people had felt that way, depressed or not. And that the trick is to MAKE yourself see the point-but how do you do that? I got into St Georges, and I got into Kings college-both my top choices of uni.But that doesnt feel like enough of a point.He told me that when i feel this way, thats when i need to talk to someone-but (and i know theres way too many buts in this already)thats also exactly when i kind of lose the ability to talk about things-it all closes off in my mind. I had fun earlier, I saw my friend, we had a good time.I got home, and 2 hours later im thinking about this.how does that even work? I've been trying unsuccessfully for an hour to phone the out of hours helpline number. but everytime i get through, i hang up, cos the words just wont come out.ARRRG
dyou know what?i think i do my own head in.and please dont tell me to play with the sodding playdough, cos i might cry.
im sorry ive been really rubbish about keeping up with blogs, especially when you are all being so fantastically supportive of me.thankyou, and sorry, for my continued rubbishness at keeping up!
its all still in my head.i dont think writing it s really the same as telling someone.hmn.
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
Oy vicky what have I told you....no more apologising!! You are in a really difficult place right now and you DO NOT need to feel like you need to keep up with blogs.
I see so much in your future Vicks, and I know you don't feel hopeful, but I feel hopeful for you. Your future is bright your future ISN'T play dough hehe.
I so badly want you to see how much goodness and loveliness you have.
I'm sending love and support your way.
Ellie
xxx
I can tell you vics that I have felt this way before. I used to have that as an alternative too, so I so totally get that. An example of this is when I used to say that while my cat was alive, I wouldn't kill myself, but as soon as he went, so would I. This used to scare everyone because when my cat got sick they all got worried.
It's a bit like this, so you have a bad day, you could get up and go to work or kill yourself, then you start playing with all of that. If I did this and this happened, well I know what the alternative will be. I used to be so offhand about it, like it wasn't a huge thing and I totally get what the guy from home care said when you can't see that point anymore you make contact with someone.
Sometimes just actually doing friend stuff with a friend will help. I'm sorry, this probably isn't even helping, but I'm thinking of you!
*hugs*
Sarah
This post is actually so brilliant. This is exactly how I feel and how I've felt pretty much all my life. I never know how to respond to those questions about suicide either because like you said, I always have a plan. It's always there; it's always my alternative. And you've hit on it so perfectly--i know this is depression that makes me feel this way, but it doesn't take the feelings away. And when I'm feeling my worst, I can't try to sort through and find reasons to go on because the whole reason I feel so shitty in the first place is because I can't find any reasons to go on no matter how many positive things there might seem to be in my life. And its those times when I CAN'T reach out to people.
And I wish I had some magical way to make things better, but all I can say is you're not the only one who feels like this. And it scares me too how I can go from having fun to suddenly feeling absolutely despondent so suddenly.
Please don't feel bad for writing about these things. I think actually it's really important to write these kind of things out because if nothing else, you can get them somewhat out of your head. And please know that you're not the only one who feels like this.
xoxo
Don't apologise Vic. You need to get this stuff out of your head, rather than keep all the thoughts bottled up and swimming around in your mind.
Perhaps by writing out these feelings you and your treatment team can make some sense of them and plan a way forward.
Don't be afraid to talk what you think will be jibberish, either to your team or to the helpline. Sometimes it can help to know someone is there, and they can ask the right questions to help you make sense of things.
Keep writing and exploring things, because there is light at the end of this tunnel, and there are positive things in your life to look forward to. I guess it's finding a way to make them seem real, significant and achievable.
Hugs
Sarah x
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