Great.
Being in hospital has made me think playdough is the answer to my problems. 13 years of Ed, 7 years of Depression, broken bones and scars later , and a mental health file thicker than the yellow pages-and all i needed to do was buy some playdough.
Apparantly, if i stab the playdough instead of myself il feel the same sense of relief, without 'harm'. And it when i feel depressed i can 'make my feelings' (incidently-does anyone know how you make 'pissed off'?) and i can use it to distract myself by making amusing models after i have eaten.
GENIUS.genius. now why didnt i think of that???
However, on the plus side, hospital did make me realise how much i want to have nothing to do with the NHS Mental Health Service's, a real inspiration to get better when you consider how much fun that little inpatient stay was. Ok, it did stop my from doing god knows what, so yeh, it helped.but really, all it did was turf up all my thoughts, feelings amd problems, and then ditch me again as soon as it looked like something was going to be done to help. I got discharged to the home treatment(crisis) team today, and its basically made me realise how null and void (ie shit) i let my life become. I mean its a wakeup call when all thats in your diary is appointmenrs with gps, and times for meetings with home treatment.Im supposed to have a list of cab/pub/club/takeaway numbers in my diary.instead, i have the samaritans, rape crisis, post abortion help etc etc etc
im 25!i should be doing things. I could go to a party tomight at my friends, but instead, its a night in with me.and dont forget the playdough.
so basically-heres how its going to be. Im going to get better, and im going to IGNORE all the horrible suicidal thoughts, and the self harm urges as best as i possibly can, i going to try my hardest ever to eat and stick to a mealplan, and im going to kick ED in its face, because i am not going to spend the rest of my life having appointments with people that go and tell me to buy playdough to express myself with!how about you listen to my voice express myself instead???
and do you know the really piss annoying thing about this is.?i just made a moomin with the playdough.
AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG
why the heck am i so angry about this?think its time to calm down and play with the sodding playdough
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
Posts
4 comments:
Weird coincidence, but I went through a phase of using playdough to vent my frustrations during treatment too - plus it smells nice ;)
Seriously though, I love this spirited fighting talk, but don't be afraid to use those numbers/appointments that you have to get to the moomintastic place you want to be.
Hugs
Sarah x
I know hospitals are kind of like that here in australia now, if they think that you are looking better, you get shafted for someone else that looks worse, doesn't matter if you still feel worse but are just 'trying' if you know what I mean. Playdough is good. My dad used to make me little dogs and cats and stuff (and a few rude things that made me and my brother laught, lol). Thinking of you!
*hugs*
Sarah
hey i glad ur using the playdough, my mates mum uses playdough and likebuilding lego things to get in touch with her inner child as she had a rough childhood. dont compare yourself to what your ideal 25 year old vicki will be, cos that will ocme in time, for ages i thought oh god i cant believe i could be out having a mean time, and i see everyones facebook photos of new years when all i did for new years was binge by myself... and now my diary have only appointments too, but you have to go through the slow self love nuturing process to get to the time where its just normal to wander down the street window shopping while avoiding an assignment and going to the pub for a drink ya know? that will all come in time babe, this wont be forever but you just have to take baby steps with it, and think that this isnt forever and you are getting the help you need and you deserve to take some time out. hey a lot of people have breakdowns much later on in life... people are needing help in their 50's etc you know, i dont think theres an age limit on depression and breakdowns... its just a funny ol thing life is, and we get thrown a whole lot of stuff all the time. you call the samaratins whenever you need to babygirl, and you hang in there, i missed you while you were away but im glad you went in at the time where you needed to and now are able to keep on going with recovery!
lots of love
I know exactly how you feel about this--I hate this kind of advice. If it was really that simple I would have just bought the fucking playdough years ago and been done with it. It's kind of like my mom who was always telling me, well, all you have to do is eat food. Yeah, mom, if I could do that, I wouldn't have these problems.
But I think you are so right--you can get through this and you won't ever have to deal with these people again. Make this your motivation! And don't beat yourself up because you don't think your life is what it should be. You're where you're at right now and all you can do is deal with the things you have now. I know I never thought my life would look this way at 26 either, but I've realized that the only way to get where I want to be is to start focusing on getting better and making that my goal.
xoxo
Post a Comment