seeing the other side

I've had some dodgy moments over the last few days, you might have guessed. I've got this thing where my blog is where i write the truth about how im feeling and whats happening, because for years i kept it all inside. But i understand people mightn't want to read it, and i will never mind. I dont want people to feel they have to.

Last night i thought i'd reached my end point. I was sitting there and id run out of reasons to carry on living. I didnt know what to do with myself, and Ed was soo intense it was unbearable. I couldnt see the good in anything anymore, actually im still struggling, but it is easing now. See I learnt that if i dont admit howi feel, and talk about it, it stays in you and consumes from the inside out, its relentless and its all the more powerfull.

I felt confused and didnt know what was me and what was Ed wanting me to do things. there was this thump thump thump in my head. I wanted to hurt myself so it would be the end, but i was also scared and the little me bit of me that was left was trying to convince myself that it was Ed telling me to end it. So i went to A and E and begged for help. Got sent home, because apparantly if you are 'with it' enough to tell someone that you have suicidal ideation you arnt going to do anything about it. I kinda see there point, but i didnt trust me to fight Ed on my own. I tried to end it another way and failed.

I got an email from Lou Lou asking me if i was ok, because my last post sounded a bit edgy. she started talking to me, spent hours trying to talk me round, convince me i had help and i wasnt alone. She quite literally saved my life.

I'm ashamed of this, and im only writing this because it's silence thats the killer, its silence and not admitting how i feel that could kill me, and i need to be brave and fight.

This is the last email i sent to lou lou, which im posting because it sums up how im feeling now.
which is better. a lot better.

'baby g, i just wanted to say you literally saved my life today. After i stopped talking with you, i sent d an email, and she called me, and she told me she loved me to bits and that she was going to have a think about what we could do. she said that we should make this pact with eachother-becasue shes finding it hard too as well right now, that we are both going to keep trying, for better or worse, and we will get through it. She told me she didnt know what she'd do if i did anything to myself, and i thought about what you had said tome as well, and it means the world to me that i have these  amazing people that care that much to try and help me. what you were saying to me on facebook, and the prayer, i was overwelmed at how much you care, and i want to be the same for you, iwant to help you, cos your such an amazing person.but to do that, i have to still be here!

i think its a big part of depression, and i need to recognise that i am going to have times when i feel really bad like that and on the verge, i just have to talk and hang on through it and remember that Ed is just this thing-it cant make me do it, asd bad as it gets, its stillme, and ican win. so at the moment, im still shaky, and still feel that way, its just that other options seem much more possible now that i managed to reach out a little.I'm going to write a 'can anyone help me/recomend things for me to do practically post on my blog when ive pulled it together a little more. and d said you can call the samaritans free from a phonebox, so i can still talk to them, i just have to cross the street.
its going to be ok, maybe i think.i still feel baaaad but i can see the other way a little more now.

thankyou for showing it to me:)

with all my love
vics xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx '


I need some help. and i was wondering if any of you  had any advice.
I think you vaguely know the situation im in right now, in that im waiting for my benefit to be reinstated after it goes through the appeal.In the meantime things are a bit tricky. Does anyone know of any organisations that could help?or anything i could do to get food?like are there any charities or anything that could help me? Cos I cant keep it all inside anymore, and im not sure where to go from here. My doctor is looking at treatment options for me again, which hopefully will get me somewhere. right now im struggling with the day to day stuff.

But its going to be ok as long as i dont keep it all inside.

and thankyou, from every last bit of me for the comments on my last post. I cant tell you how much love and support i feel from you all, and i feel priveleged to know you all.

love vics xxxxxx