Logically, i should be really happy right now. i dont think im a logical person. I wish i could just let myself enjoy the fact that i just got in to a really good uni-if nothing else it should help reassure me of my abilities to help me calm the hell down about St Georges interview tomorow. I should also be pleased that I got a little money from the benefit people today, and that they are processing my appeal-which means normal payments should start up in a few weeks time again. But i cant relax about that, cos i just feel like im waiting for it to go balls up again. And have to make this payment last indefinately until it gets sorted, and thats kinda scary. I wish i could just chill the hell out, and just be happy about it. I was happy earlier, for about 10 minutes, until i started thinking about all the ifs, buts, and maybes.
Im so so scared and anxious right now. Its not even really about interview, its about how i feel about me. I dont feel very safe as 'me' right now. I feel tense and wired, and i cry constanly, well, when im not asleep, which is most of the time. My jaw is so tense, its like its telling me to not talk about things.
I didnt even notice that i started restricting today, until a few minutes ago, when i thought about it.I dont want to eat, i dont want anything else inside me, cos i feel full of badness and ick as it is.
Logic tells me that if i eat, then it might help take some of the stress away.it might help me relax a little, and i will feel physically better.
ilogical me rekons that i will feel horrendous if i do.
Logic tells me that SI wont do anything but make me feel worse-ashamed that i caved in, and couldnt fight it, and ashamed that i would have yet another scar.
ilogical me tells me that it would release some of the knots im tied up in, and even temporarily this might make me feel better.
Im trying to stick with the logic but its soo bloody hard right now. I know i shouldnt be moaning like this, i should be fliping happy, but nothings really changed in me. I feel lost in a massive depressive downer.
the trouble is, that logic also tells me that hiding away is the same as running away-i have to face it out for it to get better, and hiding from it will only build it up into more of an issue in my head.
ilogical me is hiding under her duvet now
xxxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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3 comments:
I can absolutely relate to where you are right now. I'm always looking over my shoulder for something to go wrong and always calculating all the things that could go wrong. You can't help the way you feel and it's a pretty normal way to be feeling after all the stress you've been through in the past couple of weeks.
Good for you for noticing that you are restricting and for recognizing that ways that restricting and SI won't help. That's a huge first step.
Good luck with the interview tomorrow!
It's difficult to enjoy happiness or good things when you are so used to having something to worry about, and you are so right that restricting and SI are not the answers.
You've come through a tough time recently, and it's natural that you are suspicious about the future, but good things really do happen, and as things fall into place more, you will feel more able to enjoy the accompanying happiness. Good luck for the interview, but whatever happens you are charming lovely person.
Sarah x
Good luck for your interview. You can do this vic! You really really can. I know that these (I'll use Cecily's words) maladaptive behaviours are tempting but they only give a quick fix and then you feel guilt that you did them to start with and the whole cycle starts again. What I am trying to do with these is to force myself to physically just STOP, just for a minute and say no, it's okay, take a few deep breaths. Try and do something else to take your mind off it. I hope you can, I believe in you!
*hugs*
Sarah
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