a story.(long post)

Once upon a time there was a girl called vicki.
she grew up in London and moved house lots when she was little, as her step dad was in the forces.  she had to change school s alot to, and this made her anxious because she didnt like being the new girl, and always felt really shy. When she was little her favourite person in the world was her grandad.He was an elephant keeper at London Zoo, and used to have a shetland pony in his back garden.he said it was better than a lawnmower:) he used to put her up on the pony and take her for walks on wimbledon common and they would go searching for the wombles.He was really special to her.
When she was 7 they moved to a big new house.It felt really empty and she was lost in it. she had a rocking horse in her room and she used to sit on it and whisper all her secrets in its ears. She remember being hungry lots when she was 7, and  remembers her mum telling her aunt how fat she thought she was.she didnt really know what thay ment, but it didnt sound good. one day her grandad picked her up from school and told her mummy had to go away for a while, and that she was going to live with him for a little while, and her brothers too. she was upset, but mummy was always cross, and always forgot to make her tea, so she didnt feel to bad. she always saw mummy weighing herself, but didnt really know what the numbers ment.but mummy would be happier or really angry and cross with vicki depending on what the magic number that day was. Vicki asked her grandad if mum was in hospital because she had a sore tummy, and did mummy make herself sick to feel better to get all the bugs out?her grandad cried and cuddled her for a long time after that.
When she was 10, mummy was in hospital again, but this time she underastood why.she also knew that mummy didnt want her to get fat, because fat was a really bad thing, and ment that you were a bad person. amd mummy always seemed pleased when she didnt finish all of her tea, and didnt have breakfast before school. Her nan and grandad thought it might be a good thing if vicki went to boarding school, because life was so unsettled, with moving houses, and mum often in hospital or really unwell. they semt her oldest brothers away to school, and they were much happier. so there was just marc, vicki and little graham at home.she heard grandad talking to nana worriedly about her, and saying she didnt think it was good for me to be with mum.nan told him he was silly, and that i was getting chubby, and to stop taking us out for tea.she went to boarding school, at a prep school in richmond, but she cried so much that eventually after a term they let het come home.
As she got older, Vicki realised that mum would pay her attention and like her when she did well.she did really well with the ponies and did county level competions, then national teams as she got older.she did her gcse's a year early to please her mum. she lost weight to please her mum, but sometimes she was so hungry and empty and unhappy that she would binge, but then felt disgusting, so she made herself sick like mum did. she took laxatives and diuretics cos mum gave them to her and said they were good for her.
Vicks grandad dies when she was 14 and she was so unhappy.she thought it was her fault for a long time, because he had angina and vic was sitting with him, and then she went into the other room and didnt go back for a bit.when she went back in grandad had died from a heart attack, without making a peep. she should have stayed with him.
When she was 15 mum was sectioned for a long time, because she lost a ot of weight, and her heart was poorly.vicki spent a long time sitting in hospital corridors wondering what was happening.when she saw her mum, she wasnt sure who she was anymore, amd broke down in sobs, and had to be taken away by a nurse. she asked the nurse to give her mum the ribbon she had tied into a bow round her wrist.
Vicki got sent to boarding school again, and she cried everynight, but she felt safer than being at home.she isnt sure why she was always so upset.she felt she had to be the best at everything.she tld the school nurse to sod off when she asked if vic had an eating disorder.when vicki left that school when she was 16, she had to live in a hostel for a while because mum was still in hospital and nan couldnt cope, because vicki was being so rebelious. Vicki got picked for the junior GB team when she was 16, and cried herself to sleep about how much pressure she was under.she just wanted her mum to notice her. Her big brother disappeared and didnt get in contact for years, because he needed to get away form he family.she understood what he was doing, but felt so alone.
she did her A levels and went to university to do the course everyone wanted her today-she was going to be a vet.
Vicki tried to reinvemt herself at university, as someone who was so much better than she was.everything she felt she wasnt.her eating disorder got a little better at first. She carried on being the best in the class, and she made herself a fantastic dress for a party she thought she ought to go to, so she didnt seem like the odd one put. She went to the party, and thought for the first time that she looked pretty.Then this boy started talking to her and she couldnt belive it. so she danced with him, and went out to sit on the stairs with him to talk-was a houseparty on the famous smithdown road(if youve read anything else on my blog) and he kissed her and she thought she was on the moon.he said she was gorgeous and clever and brilliant and asked if she wanted another drink, and hed go to the kitchen and get it.so she said yes, and he didnt come back for a while, but that was ok, because she was talking to her friend(who ended up stabbing her in the back more than you would think was possible) about the cute guy that she was talking too.she also met the girl that turned out to be her best friend at university and helped her get through everything to come.when he came back she drank what he gave her quickly because she felt nervous and immeadiately funny things started happening in her head.it was turning her inside out and she didnt know which way the world was up,everything looked amplified and flourescent and different, and she couldnt focus, couldnt breathe.he was laughing at her, but she felt unerved by it, and panicked, and kept seeing these funny pictures in her head.she sees them in her dreams still. she went unside because she wanted the cold air to help bring her back, so she went ouside ans stood in the alley way beside the house. He followed her out a few minutes later and laughed at her.he pushed her against the wall and she said no and thought he was joking, but everything looked bright and luminous in her head and she was scared.she told him no, no NO but he did it anyway, and laughed at her and walked away. her dress was torn and she swas bleeding because he hit her.she felt funny, like the ground was trying to swallow her, and the cracks in the pavements looked a mile wide.she fell over, and her friend found her in the gutter.he thought she was drunk and took her back to halls, but she panicked at him and told him about the pictures in her head and he took her to hospital. she lost conciousness and a long time later came back too, and found that she couldnt talk anymore.about anything.
so she stayed in her room and didnt eat and weighed herself til she got the right magic number, just like mum did.it made mum feel better.so she would too.she got a letter saying she was filing, but vicki didnt ever fail anything.and her friend came to see her and she cried and cried and cried and she managed to tell him what happened. and he went ith her to talk to the welfare tutor and he didnt belive har cos she left it so long, and told her being drunk wasnt the same as rape.so she stopped talking again, and her friend got really angry and hit the guy that did it, and then loads of ruomours went around, and the dean told her she had to shut up or leave.so she shut up.One day she realised shed put on weight, but it didnt make any sense.her jeans wouldnt do up.the she realised she hadnt had her period since it happened.she shut herself in her rom with a pregnancy test and cried for days.she felt repulsed at herself, but not at the innocent baby.she didnt know what to do, but she was to scared to talk.so she used all her studen loan, and her credit card to pay for a termination.it haunts her still,because she saw the baby, because it was late trem and she had to go through labour.
she went home after that and quit uni.her mum was so mad and didnt listen when she tried to explain why and threw her put.so vicki got a live in job at a yard, and sold her horses to buy out of her sponsorship deals.she worked training police horses, not caring or realising how dangerous it was, and went out and got drunk everynight.

and now shes so messed up she doesnt know who vicki is anymore.

this is for the person that wrote shit on my blog.how dare you judge me when you know NOTHING about me.I dont write this to feel sorry for myself, in fact i wrote it to try and see it from an outside view.