well, i'm not sure if its a complex..I've spent today drifting about aimlessly, unable to settle to anything, and feeling very unsure as to why. I've been sitting on this feeling all day, trying to work out what it is. I feel itchy inside, and sick of myself.which is a bit of a problem when you think about it.
i think i just hit on it.
I feel inferior to pretty much everything.
-my friends. who are all cooler, smarter, prettier, funnier, generally far superior people. Proved by the fact that a couple of people who i thought were really good friends have comletely diched me when i finaly managed to explain what was going on, and that i was in hospital.
-Im inferior to Ed. im not good enough.i mean, look, im nothing but mediocre in ed's eyes-i never lost enough weight, and now it can laugh in my face about how much i suck at getting better.
-the other patients in hospital. who were actually ill, and hadnt just slashed themselves up a bit. I felt like a waste of space in there.
-to my mum. I cant really explain why.she pisses me off more than i could ever describe, but i still feel this inqadequacy.
-to everyone really. i read everyones blogs, and i think how fantastically people cope with things, and how theyve held it together, and how they are moving forward and dealing. I wish i could be more like that. Instead, i just write the same old lines. i know its all relative.and im not looking for comments,.its just the way im feeling.Ifeel so in awe of people.like i was soo scared to comment when i first started blogging, thinking why would people want to know what i think. I dont even want to know what i think!! and i feel so happy when people send me messages ad support me.but i dont feel like i deserve it.
-to the brilliant people who work for the home treatment team.i think ive writtenabout them before.basically, they are like the mental health crack team-they decide who goes in/leaves hospital and support you before and after.they are like an alternative to hosp. and some of the people that work there continuously amaze me. i dont feel worthyof there time.
-to my best friend, cos im not really sure why she bothers with me.
this may, or may not have something to do wuth the fact that people keep telling me to play with playdough.
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
You are not inferior to anyone. No way. Your problems are real, and you deserve help.
You cannot compare yourself directly to others because we all have different live, different events, different opportunities.
Imagine you had a friend in your situation. Would you tell them that they were inferior? You must treat yourself as a friend - there's a very likeable and lovely person within you Vics, and she deserves some praise from you ;)
Sarah x
no way are you inferior! Just ask Julian Paul, he thinks you're awesome and so do (and Ziggy digs you too because you have Julian Paul). You may think we are all coping but seriously, I have not been coping lately. I have been crying, yelling in public, swearing in public at people, getting angry, getting scared and feeling ashamed and guilty. Hun, it's not just you, it's the bastard ED and the thoughts of self harm that are making you feel like this! Repeat after me "I vics, am a very special and amazingly awesome person who is funny and caring and gentle (who has so to buy Julian Paul a very expensive bottle whisky, but if you can't cleaning products will do) oops, Ziggy just hijacked my computer, sorry about that! Don't forget we care and we do think you're awesome. I wish you could see what I see!
*love and hugs*
Sarah
You are definitely not inferior to anyone. You are such a smart, funny, talented person and I think you are so wonderful. (Believe me--no one else reads my ramblings about the Hardly Boys!)
I do not cope well. At all. I've gained weight over the past year but I haven't really moved on or done anything to try and get on with my life. I just went into a meltdown over going to church for a prayer group with my mom and sister and had to take my own car because I was shaking and afraid that I would get "stuck" there and wouldn't be able to get home. I'm a nervous wreck about going to court this week, and honestly I don't feel that I have any coping skills at all.
You deserve help and support. You are such a kind, special person, and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you believe that. Your friends who ditched you are full of crap and are the ones who should feel inferior. That had nothing to do with you--they're the ones who obviously have problems.
I'm starting to hate playdough. Maybe it should go to the ducks.
You are sooooo not inferior. You are:
Amazing
Funny
Strong
Intelligent
Beautiful
Kind
Caring
Honest
Helpful
fashionable
cool
brave
and defiantly NOT inferior.
Those girls that have ditched you are idiots, and it shows who your true friends are; they are the ones that stick by you.
Also feeling 'inferior to ED' is something I get a lot. But I'm starting *very slowly* to realise that we are all superior to our eating disorders, as all they try and do is bring us down. We stand up and they are inferior.
You are a fabulous, incredibly special women, I so wish you could see it.
Love and hugs
Ellie xxx
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