How to untie knots

 

When I was little I was always pretending to be somebody else. I used to imagine all this little stories in my head and get lost in them, until I couldn't tell what was real anymore. My grandad used to laugh and call me 'dolly daydream' cos I was always off in my own little world.

I used to play all sorts of petend imaginary games, fairies, Witches, that sort of thing. Until I got my own ponies most of my games revolved around just imagining i was a 'girl with a pony'-id tie a skipping rope tpo a chair and pretend that i was holding reins. I played with Dolls for hours, and had hundreds of different stories I would play out with them. I had a collection of toy horses, and they used to go off treaking in the garden with me, puddles were lakes, the garden hoze was a massive hedge to be jumped. I never played games as me, but i guess when your little and left to it alot, then its natural to imagine lots of things.

when I was in bed, I used to carry on all these stories in my head, and I was always writing them down as well. I guess as I got older I grew out of the witches and fairies (although I do have to admit this isnt entirely true!) but I never did grow out of wanting to be someone else. It was a whole lot easier to stay in my head when I was a child. I didnt want to deal with the chaos around me, so I didnt-I just pretended to be someone else. If people asked why my mum never picked me up from school, or never came to school plays, id say that she was off doing something fabulous, or working, or anything really-anything but admit that mun was either in hospital or to scared to leave the house. Im not ashamed of my mum, shes sick, but i didnt understand then, and i didnt want to be different. I used to pretend to be anyone but me, make up all these scenarios in my head, anything to avoid what was actually happening. At the age of 12 I hated my life, and by the age of 15 i was so up to my neck in an eating disorder that i didnt know who i was anymore.

Maybe thats why I lost myself-because I never really let me be ME. So it was easy for ED to move in to the vacant space. See now im thinking if id just been me when i was younger-well i mightnt have ended up riding at such a high level it made me sick with unhappiness. I would have remembered moreof what was ahppening, and noticed it to start with. And if i wasnt to busy pretending to be someone a whole lot tougher than i actually am, then  maybe i could have asked for help, or maybe someone would have seen that I needed it.

Im not too sure where Im going with this. I feel lost, like I dont know who I am-and maybe thats because ive always been too bust trying to change it. I guess I was always trying to be the daughter my mother wanted, and you know what, I still dont know what that is.

Slowly Im figuring things out bit by bit. But now I cant pretend to anyone but me, because ME is what I am, and thats the way it SHOULD be.sure you can change, you can change behaviours, you can stop hurting yourself, but you cant change the fundamental things that make you YOU, and if you try-well you just get tied up im knots...which is maybe what im trying to unravel now.

xxx