I dont know what to call this post! Things from my past praps?

Ive just had the longest day! I've just got home, and am resisting the urge to get it to bed, because i think i only had 20 hours sleep yesterday!
So im sitting on my comfy pile of floor cushions (you couldnt get a sofa up the stairs into my flat if you tried!) with my laptop, and ive got my lazy day clothes on-pj bottoms and a barbies 50th anniversary tshirt on, and a bit of michael jackson playing-say about him what you will, but he has made some tunes! The waaay you make meee feeellll lal ala lalala

anway i digress (as per usual)

I First became aquanted with my ED when I was about 12. Other things that happened when I was 12...Started a new school, with a really dodgy uniform!i'm also ashamed to admit that i was still a little in love with Boyzone at the time, and I also think that I dressed up as a spice girl for our forms talent show for comic relief (and theres still photographic proof dammit!).My mum was sectioned to an ED unit in London, and was tube fed. Think she was there for about a year and a half in total that time.
I got My second pony Sam, and was heartbroken when Muffin was sold on:( This is also the year that I really started cvompeteing and training, and was in Pony club and county teams etc. The first time that i thought losing weight would make people happy-well, my mum was always saying i was overweight, and my coach liked us to keep a low weight also. I guess I was alwyas looking for approval, or just any sort of recognition from mum. My oldest Brother ran away from home-cant say that I blame him, and didnt hear from him for a long long time.

When I was thirteen we moved House, somewhere new for mum to come home to, fresh start and all that. I went to a new school, but cant say i remember much about it, was in my own world most of the time. Was a really posh house, big, and i felt lost in it, from too  much space maybe, like i could stay up on the floor my room was, and not see anyone else all day (had 4 brothers) and never really settled there. I was binging twice a day, purging until i thought id got rid of everything, and was really fussy about food at dinner and stuff. meals where a bit hit or miss in our house, cos we never had food in, and half the time mum was so ill with anorexia she didnt seem to realise that she was just giving us whatever fad she was currently on. I guess thats why i started binging actually, as opposed to just restricting, cos was so so hungry a lot of the time, but then would feel racked with guilt over what id eaten, and feel hateful and then purge. Ed was always there with me. Made me feel like it could take the pressure off me so i didnt have to think about anything else. Replaced my problems and anxietys with its rules-follow them and you will be fine.

When I was 14, i got my first junior sponsor and started Riding for Under 16 team, which ment travelling all over the place, and more training than ever. Started riding Riley, my younger brothers pony, as he lost interest, and also had Hotspur bought for me by sponsor. All i really remember about being 14, 15, was being incredibly stressed out and tired. To get this straight-well yeh i loved my ponies to bits, and they went from being an escape from home being hell, to being their own nightmare-i couldnt just play at it, have fun and be good at it, i had to be the BEST all the time, push push push from mum, and family, and coach, and same with schoolwork, failing anything just wasnt an option ever. And id much rather make damn sure i didnt than deal with mums rage then disappointment-she just wanted me to do the things she couldnt. Im not blaming her, She was Ill.Her mum was Ill.

So now I realise that I cant follow this pattern. Its ok to make mistakes, as long as you tried, and its ok to start again. And equally its ok to realise that just because mum is in denial about her Anorexia, doesnt mean that i cant find help for ME. I want to get better so i can live MY life, not pieces of mums, or anyone elses, and certainly not ED'S version of my life.