This girl

is in a bit of a pickle.scrap that.
im knee deep in pickle.
and i dont like pickle:p

Game over.

This time exactly last year, me and my best girl decided to go for a walk, it was freezing cold, about to pour with rain, so obvioulsy, was without a doubt ideal weather for it.
theres this footpath that runs from one end of truro to another, via a lot of fields, farms and whatnot, so there we were bumbling sown this path, talking nonsense, decided was real good idea to have a little rest in a farmers field. We sat down, passed abottle of wine between us and laughed. I was always giggling about something. we carried on walking through the woods, down by this stream. then the storm started, and being the pair of 'on the ball girls' we were we took shelter under a tree.i know.i know!!we were listening to dons ipod, the usual rubbish music we take pride in, and she laughed so hard she slipped headfirst down the bank into the stream:) so theres me, dying from laughing so much, fishing her out by her feet, and convincing her, that 'no, of course we dont look like tramps' so i could get her to walk home! so we went back to where i used to live, and it was soo cold. so we sat on sofa, made mugs of tea, and hid under my duvet, listening to knocked up, by kings of leon.which was still on repeat when we wook up 3 hours later.
what can i say?!erm not a lot really. I'd like to say this sort of thing was a one off, but that would be a lie.about 3 weeks later we went paddling in the stream after a good night out-those boots were never the same.we've slept in hedges about 5 minutes away from where we live-cos its too far to walk. i've run into the sea with all my clothes on (fully sober i might add). ive jumped a four foot stone wall with a pony with no breaks and a broken arm.ive dressed up as a fairy to go to tescos far too many times to admit.i went to a lecture in my pj's at uni once cos all my clothes got locked in the halls wash room.ive died my hair the brightest red you can imagine.formed a spice girls tribute band (im proud).

That girl used to do all those things, and love it.Sure, Ed went along for the ride, but it lurked in the background, lived with, ignored, denied, dealt with.That girl had friends and loved to get up to no good and never hid away from her friends, and could always find the funny side in anything.

This girl has an eating disorder.she thinks about food, purging, staying away from her friends so she can give Ed the full attention it wants, her weight, and her inability to be good enough.she thinks of all the things shes failed at.she thinks about si, and feels like shes just a puppet, with si and ed moving her strings.she doesnt feel she can do anything anymore at all.because the voice in her head is so INTENSE and LOUD she cant hear anything else.

This girl feels like shes at the end.

xxx