Lost along the way part 1

Firstly, thankyou everyone for being so supportive, i really appreciate it and it makes me feel kinda special, knowing that people understand and care as well, so thankyou, really.Your all great:)

Sooo apologies in advance, cos this is going to be a bit of a long un, and i think im going to write it over a few days. I saw my cpn the other day, and she asked me what I felt that i had lost, from finding support in eD all those years ago-like physical stuff, opportunities, friends, that kind of thing. Anyway I got really upset-because the first thing tht springs to mind, like above anything else, is all the people I have cut out of my life, while ive been too busy listening to Ed ways of doing things, and playing by that rulebook.

I used to find it easy to make friends...im shy, but im a good listener, and people like that.when i was younger we moved lots, so i had friends all over the place, bit my main best friends i knew from riding, pony club and things. Now i can count on the fingers of one hand the people i trust enough, and keep in contact regulary with...and i dont think its quantity that atters, not a all...i love the friends that i have to bits, and id do anything for my girls, i love them, but i feel so sad thinking about the people that were special to me that i lost contact with. And my Cpn suggested that i thing all the situations through, and think how it was that Ed wanted me to distance from them and why, and wether i should still feel guilty for it, or wether maybe i wanted to write and explain, so i felt that id done something about it for me, and not Ed. Does that make sense?it made a lot more sense when she explained it to me.

i thought about all this and i felt so nasty, and like such a horrid person...my freinds have always been like my family to me, and it hurts me that i let people just slip by, and pushed them away when they wanted to help. I hope that they can understand, but i dont expect them too, i dont even reaal yexpect them to give me the time of day, not like i did when i was too scared to answer their phonecalls and just wanted to hide from everything and everyone when i got back form liverpool.


Holly, Jo and Rachael


These were 2 lovely girls that i used to work with, the year before i went to Liverpool, when i worked in a supermarket whilst juggling my A levels and a million other things.
Holly was fab, wanted to teach me how to live! i was such a loser, my social life consisted of the horses, and she adopted me and took me out shopping, pierced the top of my ear and taught e the wonders og GHDs!we used to go out, and she was just this girl that i looked up to, and i remeber wanting to ve just like her!
Ed didnt like Holly, didnt like how we used to go out and have fun and drink and socialise, aand it felt like i was pulling away too much. I listened to Ed for a while, and holly asked lots if i was ok, if anything was wrong, that i didnt look well. Holly caught me purging after i ate at work, and asked me if i needed to talk, if anything was really wrong.Ed told me to tell holly to sod off and leave me alone and i did.
I apologised a few eeks later, but i was too stuck in Ed to see anything
clearly for a few months, and when i pulled my head back on, Holly wasnt about anymore.well, she called and texted, but i was soo rubbish at keeping in touch, that eventually she stopped. Holly im so sorry.


Rachael and Jo also worked here, and we used to all mess about and skive about together, especially when me and Jo used to work on the deli counter together!I didnt sdee them as much out of work as Holly, but i lost contacy in the same way. I came back form uni during half term and went to see them , but it was so scary and different i couldnt deal, didnt feel like we fitted together anymore, and holly had told them she was worried about me, and it was just awkward and uncomfortable, and im very ashamed that i just stopped staying in touch with them , out of shame and embarressment.


This is really bloody difficult, so i shall do it a bit at a time, and see if it helps. i guss to feel better you have to accept thing, figure out if they can be fixed or left to me, and then move on, and i dont think im really good at the moving on bit.so maybe this will help.


xxx