weighing it up-i dont know what to do anymore to feel better

I dont know what to do anymore...and i cant think of a word to describe how i feel now.

i dont know how to feel better anymore. I always used to think that thinking things through, dealing with the things that hurt and upset me and made me feel i couldnt cope would be like some magic cure.like id accept it, deal and leave it all behind.doesnt quite work like that does it!im so naive. Ed is getting harder to handle than it ever has been before, and i have no help at the moment.

heres the deal

1.i cannnot get ant space from ed and i hate it, i fight and i get nowhere and lose.which makes me feel even worse, so i get stuck in the whole cycle.i dont get why i cant just stop doing this.i dont want this,i just for once need this to STOP cos i cannot cope anymore.

2.I dont see how i can go back to uni in september this way, because i think its just asking for history repeat and more problems.and thats not just negativity, im just unsure how wise it woud be to do something as massive as that, while im still struggling so much, i wanted it to be a new start you know.

3.im gonna prob lose my place anyway cos i havnt been to college for ages cos i cant seem to stay awake for more than 3 hours at a time, its mega expesive to get there, and i keep having panic attacks at being around so many people.which indictaes that uni, again, wouldnt be the greatest plan.

4.my meds are doing nothing.but i keep getting told to just stick with it-and i have been on them for months now, at varying doses.whats the point.

5.im sick of being piss poor, ive met peasants that have more money than me, because my benefit keeps getting screwed up.i hate claiming it in the first place, makes me feel horrible, and it took a lot to persuade me that i needed a break from work in the first place, but i swear it is so stressful trying to keep to a mealplan when the government seems to think i can live on about a fiver a week.including bills.its like enforced restriction, and i cant handle this anymore, but i feel so cukoo that im terrified of working, i left my last job, cos i basically had a bit of a breakdown.please dont think im being lazy, i tried to go back, but i cant handle right now. I finally found a really good self help book, that doc and cpn keep telling me to buy and i cant even fucking afford it.well i could if i didnt eat for like 6 weeks, hows that for irony-pro recovery not!

6.exactly how sick do you need to be before the nhs will help you anyway? Ed services basically told me i had to lose a shit ton of weight to qualify for help, or i can go back to group-but group therapy triggered my breakdown in the summer in the first place, people talking numbers, and self harm, and stuff.and the whole weird competitiveness of it, like its weird, and a massive head mess. One minute they want to admit me, the next in fine and can handle it on my own, then they want to admit me again, and now apparantly im too depressed for ED treatment.i mean for fuck sake, isnt depression and Ed like the fricking point!cos i that where Ed goes depression will surely follow.so all can do is smack head against brick wall in frustartion.might shake it up a bit!

7.i need help.like now.i have all this stuff pounding in my head and im stuck in Ed and si.i want to break this, i want to get better, but i need to talk to someone about this stuff now. my cpn says its not her job, i need therapy. Ed service says im too depressed and have a too high si risk to help me, and its not appropriate. doc tried to refer me to counselling but they wont go near me unless im being seen by someone to deal with Ed/si, as too high risk for them. my doc has run out of people to refer me to.i tried rape crisis, but all they could offer was a group, and i CANT, i need to talk, and i cant do it as a group. so what the fuck do i do now?

8.i really domt know what the point is anymore. all these years ive wondered why mum just lives with ed, and, well, maybe ive just hit on exactly why.

9.being alone sucks.i cant talk to my family, cos basically they all disowned me, either for dropping out of uni and 'ruining my life', for dropping contact when i first realised how fucked up i was with Ed, and questioning my mum, aunt and nan for just accepting this crap. theres only so many times you can tell your friends to leave you alone before they actually fully do. and my closest friends dont need to here about my crap, they have enough of there own.

10. i am a massive big fat mess.and i cant keep up the im fine routine anyomore.cos im not alright and its not ok.

so yeh, well, i dont know what to do anymore.
answers on a postcard please, and if you want a reply, send a SAE, cos i cant afford the postage!

sorry guys.
xxx